sarah_85
29-01-11, 18:48
today i just feel wretched. some days i feel fine, and funnily enough for the majority of today i felt ok. but right now, i keep bursting into tears, just feel like im trapped, lump in my throat, palpitations, CONVINCED there is something reall sinister wrong with me.
there are several rational reasons why i think im feeling like this.
today i had to get up at 5am for work, and i didnt get to sleep til about midnight, then slept really badly as people kept ringing the bell during the night and wlaking past drunkenly singing and shouting (we live in the town centre). then at work i over heard 2 collegue talking about how another collegue's husband has just "dropped dead" last week, presumably a healthy man about 50 but no reason behind it. then people at work were also talking about how people who work shifts and have high stress levels are more prone to cancer due to body clock/stress hormones etc. i reckon all this is playing on my mind. also i couldnt get home after work when i finished at 3.30 as the way i normally get home was blocked off amongst students rioting and fighting. so i had to walk home and i was so scared i was gonna get caught up in the rioting. (i didn't, i got home fine and safe). then to top it all, my mum's coming to visit 2moro. i love my mum dearly but her coming to visit is a bit stressful in that i want the house to be spotless and the big issue, she's expecting to come to church with me. now i havent been going to church for a few months now as i find it really aggrevates my anxiety and just generally scares me. i feel like im a bad person and that i'm condemned. i've told my mum i wasnt really keen on the idea of church but she was really disappointed when i said that so i agreed we'd still go.
so, wow, there you go. i have a lot that playing on my mind.sorry for that rant. anyway now i just feel really rubbish, as i said. just want it to stop and i dont know how. i know i sound like im whinging and i know really compared to so many people out there i have so few problems. im also really lucky as my partner is so understaning. keeps coming and hugging me. i just feel like it's all too much, have an appointment with my therapist in monday but just dunno how to cope tonight.
i'm probably jst exhausted and in need so sleep. my palpitations are worrying me though. would someone please tell me that if i had a heart condition, or any serious condition there is no way i would be able to do all the exercise is do (i tend to do 5 days a week in the gym and aerobics classes). i cant seem to make myself understand this. my heart must be working fine. not to mention the ecg i had in august. seriously, i feel like a crazy person, an absolute nutter. how on earth did i become this? i used to be a normal, confident young woman. now im a wreck. even today, i work as a midwife and i did a shift today and was totally fine, looking after other people and being totally professional. how is it i've come home and turned into this?!
sorry for this massive rant, im hoping that venting anf getting it all down will help a bit. you are all so lovely for taking the time to read this. thanks. xx
there are several rational reasons why i think im feeling like this.
today i had to get up at 5am for work, and i didnt get to sleep til about midnight, then slept really badly as people kept ringing the bell during the night and wlaking past drunkenly singing and shouting (we live in the town centre). then at work i over heard 2 collegue talking about how another collegue's husband has just "dropped dead" last week, presumably a healthy man about 50 but no reason behind it. then people at work were also talking about how people who work shifts and have high stress levels are more prone to cancer due to body clock/stress hormones etc. i reckon all this is playing on my mind. also i couldnt get home after work when i finished at 3.30 as the way i normally get home was blocked off amongst students rioting and fighting. so i had to walk home and i was so scared i was gonna get caught up in the rioting. (i didn't, i got home fine and safe). then to top it all, my mum's coming to visit 2moro. i love my mum dearly but her coming to visit is a bit stressful in that i want the house to be spotless and the big issue, she's expecting to come to church with me. now i havent been going to church for a few months now as i find it really aggrevates my anxiety and just generally scares me. i feel like im a bad person and that i'm condemned. i've told my mum i wasnt really keen on the idea of church but she was really disappointed when i said that so i agreed we'd still go.
so, wow, there you go. i have a lot that playing on my mind.sorry for that rant. anyway now i just feel really rubbish, as i said. just want it to stop and i dont know how. i know i sound like im whinging and i know really compared to so many people out there i have so few problems. im also really lucky as my partner is so understaning. keeps coming and hugging me. i just feel like it's all too much, have an appointment with my therapist in monday but just dunno how to cope tonight.
i'm probably jst exhausted and in need so sleep. my palpitations are worrying me though. would someone please tell me that if i had a heart condition, or any serious condition there is no way i would be able to do all the exercise is do (i tend to do 5 days a week in the gym and aerobics classes). i cant seem to make myself understand this. my heart must be working fine. not to mention the ecg i had in august. seriously, i feel like a crazy person, an absolute nutter. how on earth did i become this? i used to be a normal, confident young woman. now im a wreck. even today, i work as a midwife and i did a shift today and was totally fine, looking after other people and being totally professional. how is it i've come home and turned into this?!
sorry for this massive rant, im hoping that venting anf getting it all down will help a bit. you are all so lovely for taking the time to read this. thanks. xx