View Full Version : Mild depression?
I'm posting this account here to assist with my own reflection, but if anyone who reads it feels kind enough to offer me the benefit of their own thoughts and experience, then I'll be very grateful for that.
Over the last two years, I've had episodes of generalised anxiety attacks, each of which subsided after 4-5 months via a combination of treatment with citalopram and CBT-based counselling. I thought that I had learnt to cope fairly well with the anxiety, but now I'm encountering something different and I'm not sure what to do.
Since December, I've been having extreme difficulties motivating myself at the start of each day. It's as if a dark cloud of negativity engulfs me during each night, so that in the morning I doubt the wisdom even of getting out of bed as I feel anxious about all of the potential adverse experiences that I may suffer during the day. The cloud seems to lift somewhat as the day progresses, once I've dragged myself up and forced myself to complete some tasks. I'll often go to bed in the evening feeling upbeat, only to discover to my dismay that the whole cycle starts again the following morning.
What I find particularly annoying about this situation is that I seem unable to learn from it and tackle it. I understand intellectually that there are positive possibilities to each day as well as negative ones, and that it would make better sense for me to get up earlier and do something that I enjoy with that time rather spend it in bed just brooding unhappily, but I seem to forget this each morning. I'm embarrassed and frustrated by this, but this just adds to my sense of despondency as I know that I'm behaving this way of my own free will -- nobody else is doing this to me.
I'd like to create an upward cycle of more positive thinking and acting with more confidence to lead to positive outcomes and reinforcement of my positive thinking. At the moment, though, I'm hampered by a downbeat outlook which leads me to believe that positive outcomes are infrequent and temporary, and that bad things will always outweigh these in the end -- so there's no point in seeking this upward cycle.
It's probably relevant that I'm now approaching my 46th birthday and I feel jaded -- my career has stagnated and my lifestyle seems stuck in a rut. Rationally, I ought to consider making some changes, but I start to feel anxious as soon as I think about these as I don't feel competent to make them at the moment. Pressing on as before is the easiest option, but it also seems dull and uninspiring.
I wonder whether I may be experiencing mild depression, but I'm not at all keen to consult my GP, as I feel sure that his response will be to offer me citalopram again. When I took it before, I felt little benefit from it (although it's possible that it helped without me realising) and I found that weaning myself off it was quite an unpleasant experience.
As I said earlier, I appreciate any positive comments from anyone who has been brave enough to read this far!
Cheers and all the best.
-- aquarian
Just wondering if there might be a seasonal aspect to this Aquarian? Might it be that you just need to ride things out for a couple of months more and come the spring you might feel more positive and ready to start making gradual changes in your life? In the meantimeI'd have a look around for some self-help books on boosting your self-confidence and how you can take control of your life and make it more like you ant it to be. Hope things improve x
harasgenster
31-01-11, 12:43
Hi Aquarian,
Sorry you're feeling bad. I just wondered if perhaps you're a little bored? I don't mean that as a trivialisation. Someone told me described to me a process known as "rusting" - which is the opposite of "burning out". This is certainly what I have suffered from for the last couple of years. If you are not getting enough stimulation and feel - like you say - that you are stuck in a rut, it can be really quite depressing.
The best way I've found to get out of this is to ask myself if there's something I really want to do - something I've always wanted to do, say. Then decide to do it.
In a CBT course I recently completed, it was advised that you make plans to do something you have dreamed of -whether this is travelling around the world or changing career. The point of the exercise is that these ideas seem stressful but if you break them into small steps they seem more manageable, and once achieved, well they basically just add some spice to your life!
I don't know if this will help or not. I think I just got the impression from your post that you may need to break out of the "rut" you're in and do something you will really look forward to.
JaneC -- Many thanks for your encouraging reply. I've noticed the apparent seasonal correlation, but I'm unsure whether there's a genuine seasonal cause, whether it's a side-effect of me being less active in the colder months, or just a coincidence.
I've just ordered a self-help book! Lack of self-confidence has been a recurring issue for me, and my current feeling of wanting to retreat into my shell is probably a clue that this problem is to the fore for me at the moment.
harasgenster -- I think you've made a really insightful observation! I do feel rather bored at the moment. I've been performing the same work roles for many years, and it now feels as if I'm just turning the handle. At the same time, though, I've been convincing myself that I'll just have to put up with it, as now is hardly a good time for change.
There's a contradiction for me here. A big trigger for my anxiety is a fear of change, to the extent that I'll cling obsessively to the status quo, even if it's unsatisfactory. That makes it difficult for me to contemplate big decisions that might address my boredom.
I like the idea of planning some kind of dream activity, but when I've tried it before, I don't get far beyond my initial enthusiasm before my mind starts to race with doubts about practicalities and thoughts of negative outcomes which quickly kill the whole idea.
I remember a counsellor saying to me that anxiety usually has a function, even if it's a really messed-up one. I wonder whether that's happening here, and that dysfunctional anxiety is "helping" me to block off possible escape routes from my jaded condition. It's not logical, but it seems to fit the facts.
Many thanks for your replies. At the very least, they've given me new perspectives to consider.
Unfortunately, things have become worse for me since my last post. I've recently been experiencing nasty headaches, bouts of tiredness and moods of dark and hopeless despair, especially in the mornings and evenings.
I've made an appointment with my GP to check me out physically in case there's some other cause, but I think it's probably the long-term effects of anxiety and stress. I'm not keen to mention that to my GP, because I'm sure that he'll want to put me back on citalopram, which didn't seem to do much for me last time apart from giving me side-effects -- especially when trying to get off it again.
I start each working day with a dread of what's to come. I'm self-employed, generally working on my own at home, and my regular routine is to switch on computers to check for e-mails, deal with them and carry out other computer-based work. It's this routine that now feels like an anxiety-ridden rut. I'll describe the basis of my anxiety now. It may seem incredibly trivial and out-of-proportion, but it's very big and scary to me.
The work itself is manageable, but the real cause of my stress is the nagging fear that technology will let me down and that I'll find myself helpless, with no prospect of getting work done or being paid for it. It might not happen today, or tomorrow, or the next day, but my logic is that it's going to happen at some point, so even a day that passes off without any adversity is merely one step further down the path to eventual disaster -- there no longer seems to be such a thing as a good day.
Ironically, I'm fairly tech-savvy, but in many ways this makes my anxiety worse because I can imagine more ways of things going wrong than most people, including scenarios against which there's very little chance of protection. I feel as if I ought to be able to manage things so as to minimise the chances of disruption, so I'll deserve to feel guilty if something happens which I haven't covered. I've literally spent hours in bed fretting about potential problems and the fact that I haven't taken actions to cover off all of them (even though that's probably an impossible task).
I've even taken to performing obsessive and superstitious rituals in the way that, say, I switch things on or off, or carry out certain tasks, so as not to rouse the wrath of the gremlins. In many ways, I've become a slave to the technology. If I discover that, say, an important software update is needed or a routine virus scan needs to be carried out, then I'll drop everything in order to get it done (otherwise I'll just worry about the need to get it done sometime). In the evenings, I look forward to switching everything off so that I can stop worrying about it until the following morning.
It now feels as if my technology-based anxieties have drained the enjoyment out of the rest of my life. There's always something there to worry about and, annoyingly, time when I'm supposed to be relaxing is most often the time when my brain starts to get worked up. My dream at the moment would be to escape to a technology-free existence, despite many of my key skills lying in the field of technology -- something that I used to enjoy. The reality, though, is that this is no longer an option in today's society, as illustrated by the irony of me now expounding my predicament onto a computer screen.
If anyone does have any practical suggestions that I can consider following, then I'd be most grateful to hear them. I've tried to describe what's going on inside my head to the best of my ability, but I think I must generally fail at this, as the most common response that I get is "Why on earth are you getting worked up about that?".
Thanks for reading this far! All the best.
-- aquarian
sarahblonde32
17-02-11, 12:24
hi,
i know how you feel. i havent been to my gp, but i believe i have mild depression or at least the seasonal version. I have to drag myself out of bed, force myself to do new things, yoga, gym class etc. some days are fine, can be in a good mood, other days, cry all day and feels like i just want to stay in bed, even though staying in bed is boring!
Have you tried finding a really good novel? i love reading and getting immersed in a book, joining clubs? book clubs? classes? there must be something you like to do or want to learn? cooking? mechanics? psychology? are you fit? do you like the gym? try yoga to relax? hard to get motivated but does feel when you come out after. Are you single? if so have you thought about a singles holidays? i did one in the summer, with Solos, had the best holiday ever, lovely people. A weekend away? a change of scene from the norm is sometimes good. It may seem scary to meet new people but it is the best way. Have you tried finding a counsellor? just to talk it through, thats my next step!
hope it helps,
sarah
Hi Sarah,
Many thanks for your reply. It's helpful just to know that somebody else understands how it can be possible for me to feel this way. It sounds to me as if you're taking many positive and brave steps despite the difficulties that you're feeling -- that's good to hear as well.
I've been trying to lose myself in a good book for a while each day but, although I enjoy that, I'm hampered by feelings of guilt that I should really be getting on with something else that's more productive.
I hate the idea of going to a gym, so I run regularly to stay fit. It's good to spend 30 minutes knowing that there's nothing for me to do except to keep moving. My running has become a firm part of my routine over the last few years which I've persisted with through most weather conditions, and I've hated the periods when I've not been able to do it due to icy pavements/extreme heat, injuries or other demands on my time.
I tried yoga a couple of years ago, but stopped after I injured my back quite badly (the yoga wasn't to blame!). I've since recovered, but although I've considered taking it up again, I haven't yet found the motivation to act on it. I think I find it difficult to believe that it can help to solve my problems.
I've attended various evening classes over the last few years, largely as a way of breaking the monotony of working at home on my own, but recently I haven't found any that appeal to me. Although the social element is probably more important to me than the activity itself, I draw the line at, say, going to basketweaving classes even though I have no interest in weaving baskets!
A singles holiday isn't an option as I'm happily married, but I take your point about a change of scene. If I could find a suitable activity then I'd jump at the opportunity. I'd also like to spend time away with my wife, but our various commitments make that very difficult at the moment.
I'm very lucky that my wife is extremely supportive of me, but it upsets me that she has to put up with my low moods and feels powerless to help beyond just being there (which, as I keep telling her, is a very large help in itself).
I've visited two counsellors over the last couple of years and I've had some success with them in understanding how to counter unhelpful negative feedback mechanisms in my head that can make things seem even worse than they are. I haven't arrived at any fundamental conclusions, though, about why I feel this way, or how I can change things for the better.
It's unfortunate that, when one is in a really low state, it seems as if a mountain of change is needed -- as if everything about oneself has failed and therefore needs to be thrown out -- and yet that's also exactly the time at which even small tweaks seem exhausting to contemplate. I'm sure that the rational view would be that neither of those things is true -- wholesale change isn't required or even desirable, and it's possible and helpful to take tiny positive steps towards a larger goal -- but it can be difficult to believe and stay focussed on this view.
So... many thanks for your thoughts and ideas. I really appreciate them. I wish you good luck with your next step! Hopefully you'll find a counsellor who can help you to make progress even more quickly.
All the best.
-- aquarian
sarahblonde32
18-02-11, 09:53
hi,
It seems you have tried most options, its a typical 'stuck in a rut' or 'vicious circle' is'nt it. Some days i think, right, im going to change this, and start making positive steps and decisions....but they dont last, i start negative thoughts and give up!
oh well, guess we are stuck with it!!
sarah
Hi Sarah,
I'm not ready to believe that I'm stuck with this. Hopefully the same is true of you. I think I detect a sneaking optimism and sense of humour in your posts which suggest that, although your expectations may be low at the moment, you certainly haven't given up. I've been through low patches before and I know that all it takes to turn the corner is one good day, or even one good moment. That moment might arrive tomorrow*.
(* I'm not being glib -- it really might! I had one bad patch years ago that ended in spectacular fashion when one thing went unexpectedly right for me and triggered a sort of positive domino effect on everything else. The only contribution that I made to it was not having given up on the possibility)
I saw my GP today. He found that my blood pressure is elevated, which may explain my headaches and tiredness, and has sent me off for some blood tests. The blood pressure may just be a symptom of my current state of mind, but at least it enables me to put a tag on something physical that's affecting me. That somehow seems better than having to accept that "it's all in the mind".
Cheers!
-- aquarian
StarryBlueGal
19-02-11, 01:33
I suffer from this - I have suffered from depression sometimes in my life. I recently have made redundant and I am staying at home a lot and everyday is like Groundhog Day! I want to do something interesting, I am job hunting but as you all know it's really difficult to find jobs in this crisis. Also hearing negative news all the time doesn't help me either.
I have suffered from depersonalisation as well, that's the worst one of all, and it's horrible. I try to stop the feelings and I feel a bit detached from things as well. This morning I had a weird dream about my late grandparents, but it was a nice dream but it spooked me as it felt so real being with them. Mum said it's just a dream but it made me anxious and I even think of the past as well as my dream was memories from the past mixed with dreamy reality. Dreams like this make me more anxious and more worse. Now it has made me depressed, and I don't know what to do next with my life - I want to do some things but I don't know what to do.
Good luck with your life, hope you realise what you want to do in the end.
Starry xx
Aquarian...Have you thought about asking ur gp for a different anti-depressant?? Just because you didn't feel any benefit from citalopram doesn't mean you won't from other anti depressants...just a thought...
Hope ur mood lifts soon :)
Hi there, I totally understand what you are going through. I started getting anxiety attacks 6 months ago, it has turned my life upside down, I then started to get terrible low moods, black clouds, very frightening. I am going to counselling which is really helping, taking extra vitamins, exercising, all these things are helping, but I realised that a big part of my depression was losing my mum 3 years ago and also that I feel unfulfilled in my life. I have been a PA for over 20 years, but the past 2 years, I am doing a part time, stress free, boring job. After talking to my counsellor and doing a lot of soul searching, I realised that I need to fulfill my potential and be true to 'me'. So I am looking at becoming a teaching assistant as I want to work with young children. I am going to do the Diploma online, and I am also going to volunteer, to get experience. One primary school wants me to help the youngsters with their reading and a Children and Family Centre in my hometown needs volunteers. Even though these things haven't started yet, I feel so much better and positive as I feel I am doing something to make my future more fulfilling. I have also been on Citalopram for 4 months, it was tough to start with, but its really helping me see the wood for the trees. I wish you every success, please keep us posted and feel free to PM me anytime. xx
Many thanks for those replies. To answer them in turn...
I suffer from this - I have suffered from depression sometimes in my life. I recently have made redundant and I am staying at home a lot and everyday is like Groundhog Day! I want to do something interesting, I am job hunting but as you all know it's really difficult to find jobs in this crisis. Also hearing negative news all the time doesn't help me either.
I tend not to watch the news on TV or in the newspapers any more, as both now seem geared towards trying to terrify us or drive us into despair. Instead, I select from on-line sources the headlines that I want to read about and I ignore the rest. This, at least, is one area where I can exert control, and it's a tactic that seems to have improved my low moods to a small but noticeable extent.
I have suffered from depersonalisation as well, that's the worst one of all, and it's horrible. I try to stop the feelings and I feel a bit detached from things as well. This morning I had a weird dream about my late grandparents, but it was a nice dream but it spooked me as it felt so real being with them. Mum said it's just a dream but it made me anxious and I even think of the past as well as my dream was memories from the past mixed with dreamy reality. Dreams like this make me more anxious and more worse. Now it has made me depressed, and I don't know what to do next with my life - I want to do some things but I don't know what to do.
I've been having a lot of unpleasant dreams which leave me feeling anxious as I wake up. I've found it very difficult to release myself from their grip and get going into the morning. Although I comprehend that the content of the dream is unreal, I find it much harder to cast aside the negative feelings associated with them. To me, bad feelings always mean that something is wrong, and even if I can't identify the problem straight away, I carry with me the sense of foreboding that I'm going to find out soon.
Good luck with your life, hope you realise what you want to do in the end.
Thanks! I hope that things work out for you as well. I know what it's like to be made redundant -- it takes quite a while to understand that it's just about circumstances at work and isn't inherently personal.
Aquarian...Have you thought about asking ur gp for a different anti-depressant?? Just because you didn't feel any benefit from citalopram doesn't mean you won't from other anti depressants...just a thought...
Hope ur mood lifts soon :smile:
Thanks! I have two difficulties with anti-depressants. The first is that (in the case of citalopram, at least) I haven't perceived any benefit from them -- only unpleasant side-effects. The second is that, if they do work, then I'm likely to feel that I depend on them (in a psychological sense, even if not in a chemical sense). Still, if they're a temporary means towards the end of enabling me to take control of things again, then I guess they may be justified.
Hi there, I totally understand what you are going through. I started getting anxiety attacks 6 months ago, it has turned my life upside down, I then started to get terrible low moods, black clouds, very frightening. I am going to counselling which is really helping, taking extra vitamins, exercising, all these things are helping, but I realised that a big part of my depression was losing my mum 3 years ago and also that I feel unfulfilled in my life. I have been a PA for over 20 years, but the past 2 years, I am doing a part time, stress free, boring job. After talking to my counsellor and doing a lot of soul searching, I realised that I need to fulfill my potential and be true to 'me'. So I am looking at becoming a teaching assistant as I want to work with young children. I am going to do the Diploma online, and I am also going to volunteer, to get experience. One primary school wants me to help the youngsters with their reading and a Children and Family Centre in my hometown needs volunteers. Even though these things haven't started yet, I feel so much better and positive as I feel I am doing something to make my future more fulfilling. I have also been on Citalopram for 4 months, it was tough to start with, but its really helping me see the wood for the trees. I wish you every success, please keep us posted and feel free to PM me anytime. xx
Thanks! That's great food for thought for me. I'm very glad to hear that you've identified the change that you desire, and that you've been brave enough to face the prospect of putting aside a comfortable option in favour of pursuing a more difficult (albeit much more fulfilling) one.
StarryBlueGal
20-02-11, 02:09
Thanks for your positive remarks about my life - I hope something will come up soon - I find it hard to accept that I am redundant but I'm getting used to the idea. I am fed up at home and I am hoping to make something nice happen. I used to have really bad depression back in 2002, and I always had bad feelings like you described and it's like me predicting that something bad will happen to me or my family. I felt detached from everything and I always had anxiety attacks and panicking a lot. I was younger at that time and had unpleasant dreams as well.
The following year - my grandparents died within 3 weeks of each other. It was a really difficult year for me and my family and other bad things happened to me too. I look back and feel that I am more older and I have more knowledge and that has helped me alot. It was like my younger times were not part of me, they happened to another person but it's all in my memories. It's really strange. I can't get the past back but I hope the future will be better but I know there will be bad times too. I want to be prepared for that.
Fingers crossed that I will get a job soon - but I doubt it as there'll be job cuts coming up soon! Not good news.
Starry xx
Just jumping in as a newbie so apologies if this is a bit rude to do so.
I am currently working my way through an 8 week programme of meditation outlined in a book called "The Mindful Way through Depression" and have found it beneficial in so many ways. Have a look at the reviews on Amazon.
Also I have Jon Kabat-Zinn's "Full Catastrophe Living" which I can recommend. He is the founder of the Stress Reduction programme at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center - his work is based on mindful meditation.
Hope this helps.
Hey there,
sorry to hear of all your suffering at the minute, i seem to be the same way with not wanting to get out of bed lately, glad to see you are seeking some help from your gp, explain to them that you didnt get on very well with the medication i'm sure there are others.
have you tried making a journal about the good things you've done that day so when you feel you cant get out of bed you can look at your journal and read all the things that you could do that day.
lots of people have compulsive things they do it comes with the anxiety i'm afraid its best to just try and do other things to take your mind of what you think you need to do, but if it doesn't its no problem at least you tried.
xx
StarryBlueGal
04-03-11, 01:28
Sighs - I've had mild depression and racing thoughts tonight!!! I was watching a programme about Jamie Oliver and schools, and I began to think about the past and then thinking of my school days, and I got freaked out that time has gone by fast, and I just want time to stay still - and be naive and younger, and happy... then I felt depressed for a while, until my mum came up. I never talk about my feelings with her as she's quite old fashioned in a way, but she knows that I always think about the past and she doesn't want to know. I am freaked out that I am now 32, and I have done nothing with my life.....Also I noticed that days has gone past quicker this year and it's now March which is a bit scary. And time is a straight line, wish it can be bent to the past so we could be younger again. I hate being like this and wish I could be happier again and being my old self.
But I will start my voluntary work soon, having a meeting next week to discuss about it. I hope this will help to distract my anxiety and mild depression - also my family doesn't even talk to each other so I am finding it hard to talk to my mum or my sisters. Family - who wants them after all!!
Does fizzy drinks start off depression? I drank some tonight and after that, I become depressed! Is it linked? I never drink them anymore as I realised that they make me feel down, but I am wondering if they are linked to depression.
Thanks for listening and hope you can help me out - sorry I am rambling on and telling my problems to strangers. I am thinking about going to a counsellor but am too scared to do it.
Starry xx
sarahblonde32
04-03-11, 10:17
im the same starry, 33, cant believe where my life has gone, its too late to turn it back, i too think about the past. i cry at nearly everything on tv. i really want to get my old self back but i cant find it. i keep meaning to get a counsellor but i hate talking and i wouldnt even know where to start. i have booked some acupuncture so i hope that helps.
i want to shake myself and tell me to 'snap out of it'!!
sarah
StarryBlueGal
04-03-11, 11:55
Sarah, I can understand you - I haven't started anything yet, I am just scared that my family would find out that I want to go to a counsellor. And I don't want to cry while talking with the counsellor. I didn't cry last night, just feel depressed inside me. I had 2 jobs, I felt that I achieved something with my life when I got the job. But now I am bored at home and seeing my parents everyday drives me mad.
Do you live on your own or living with parents? You should go to a counsellor and try to write down what you want to say - maybe that would help? I wish I could be happy, I think I know why - all of this happened after I got redundant.
Thanks for commenting Sarah. Good luck with the acupuncture.
Starry x
Starrybluegal and Sarahblonde, hugs to you both.:hugs: I understand about families, I don't have any parents, and one sister is great to talk to but my other sister who I work with and see every day can't cope with what I am going through and never talks about it or asks how I am, it does hurt but I am working so hard at getting better, I refuse to let it get me down. I hope you will both think about going to a counsellor, it was the best thing I ever did, it does really help talking to a neutral person. Also, I am unfulfilled with my job and I do look back at what I have or haven't done, which is why I will be volunteering soon and also looking at a career change involving working with children. I feel so much better just thinking about making a change. If I am feeling down, I always go out for a long walk, it really helps. I wish you both all the best. :hugs:
StarryBlueGal
06-03-11, 00:53
Thanks Heavenly - I am starting voluntary work soon but I feel down for the last few days because I got back from a weekend out with my friends and now I'm home with my family. I do see my family a lot yes but they are so hard work to talk with, they are there for each other but don't talk to each other a lot, and Mum doesn't like conversations very much - it's really frustrating trying to start a conversation with her. She's not the type of person who likes to talk.
Hugs to you Heavenly too - good on you to have a career change and hopefully you will feel better soon when you start voluntary work with children - fingers crossed it will work out for you.
Starry xx
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