How did this happen?

[punkprincess19]

I'm lay here struggling to breathe again, crying and wondering how the hell I ended up like this?! How did I go from being me, the girl who was so laid back I was horizontal, to this, a girl who worries about every like thing that goes on with her body, can't leave the house, gets anxious around people even if she knows them, can't work and spends her days counting down the minutes until her fellow is home just so she can feel a little bit of relief that if anything happens, at least he'll be here to help me! How?!
I'm determined to get better and get back to being me, but how do I do it? How do I find me again?
I've tried:
anti anxiety meds
anti depressants
3x self help books
self hypnosis
group CBT for panic attacks
But none of it seems to work for me and I feel like I've gotten so bad that i'll never find me again now!
Has anyone got any suggestions? I really really really want to be me again! x

[PokerFace]

Ohh hun, you sound a lot like me when I get a rough patch! I really feel for you. :hugs:

I'm sorry all of those things havn't worked for you but I've come pretty far with just a self help book, a few months on propranolol and support on here so don't feel at a loss, it can be done!

You could try pushing yourself to do things, like I don't know how often you go out but if it's not very often try to get out more. I'm definatley guility of not going out, I hardly do anymore but when I actually get motivated to do it I end up feeling a lot better.

Exercise is a MASSIVE help. You don't have to do anything strenuous, I just dance for my exercise and it works! It releases happy chemicals too which are always welcome for an anxiety sufferer, makes you feel loads better.

Maybe set aside an hour every night for just total relaxation. Have a nice warm bubble bath with de stressy bubbles, rub lavander oil on your chest and a couple of drops on your pillow or something you can hug at night time so you're all relaxed in bed.

It's a lot of hard work to stop feeling like this and it won't happen over night but the sooner you start the sooner you'll start to feel the benefits. Everytime you think you can't do something just tell yourself "yes I can" and just do it, solider on through it and do whatever it is you're doing and ignore all the anxiety.

Hope this helped a little bit and I hope you start to feel better soon, really do. xx

[punkprincess19]

Thanks pokerface :hugs:

I am terrible for not going out if i feel that i can't. I went out to the shop yesterday and that was the first time i'd gone out for over a week! Afterwards, i did think to myself "see, nothing happened" but the thought of going out today is already scaring me! Silly isn't it!

I did try a tiny bit of exercising a few months ago but it didn't go too well, i started getting a lot of chest pain at the time and started focusing on my heart a lot. I also started having trouble with my stomach and felt bloated a lot. All of this together made it hard for me to try any exercising. I think it's about time I give it another go!

I do try to relax as much as possible but i'm so agitated and tense all the time i find it almost impossible! i end focusing on my breathing way too much too and as i'm already having trouble with it, it ends up worst and then the panics start!

I'm feeling rather frustrated today with it all :mad:

So do you feel that you are much better now? Do you work? x

[allergyphobia]

Hi punkprincess...

I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling so bad at the moment. You say you have tried all these different things.. how long have you suffered from anxiety? What is your root cause do you know, and are you currently taking any meds etc?

Pokerface has given you some great suggestions and I don't need to repeat them, and deep down you must know what works for you - whether it's chilling out with your favourite film or getting out in the fresh air for a breezy walk. I think the massive thing with anxiety is making time for the things that help you and make you feel good - pushing yourself through the barriers... i take it it's health anxiety and agrophobia you suffer from?

Can you make yourself a little plan with some targets. It sounds to me like you'd benefit from specific CBT with guided help - not a general session about panic attacks. You might know how to cope with panic now but you need to learn how to recognise and break your safety behaviours. Writing little targets for each week can be scary but gives you a sense of direction... say in week one you aim to go for a little walk with your partner.. week two you go for a walk with a friend, week three you go for a walk with someone else and so on. So you don't feel as though you are getting nowhere..

I know how it feels to think you have lost yourself. I had some health issues which started my anxiety that has become fixated on a fear of allergic reaction. I got to the point where I was only eating bread, was signed off work and hardly going out. This was about May/June last year. I'm now in a new job working full time, about to move in with my boyfriend, about to start some volunteering on the side...I've had loads of CBT and acupuncture and I'm slowly feeling the fear and doing it anyway with the food thing. You can see my recent post for how I'm getting on.

This site is full of inspiration... but it is important to start by feeling relaxed in yourself. Don't look at the methods through which you have "failed" or tried to get better. You're no failure, you just need to accept you're finding things a little tough right now and there is no shame in that. Be kind to yourself.

Try not to focus on finding the old you. I've started to find a new me and she's a lot better than the old one!! A lot stronger and a lot more understanding too.

Take care of yourself
Amber xx

[PokerFace]

I'm loads better than I was in the past, I still have my moments, a lot of things to fix and a way to go until I feel completely ok but I'm slowly but surely getting there!

I don't work at the moment, I'm hoping to get myself back into it this year, hopefully sooner rather than later! Just feeling a bit scared with it all. =/

All my anxiety is focused around my heart so I avoided exercise for months and months. When I first started out my chest hurt, I'd get palps, feel dizzy but it's all cuz of the anxiety and the fact my body wasn't used to exercise anymore. Just start off gentle, 3 times a week for half an hour. You could get a fitness DVD and just have a play around with that all in the comfort of your own living room and you don't have to push yourself :)

I'm sure you've heard of overbreathing? That causes a lot of shortness of breath symptoms, I used to do it constantly and I still do it now quite a lot if I'm honest! When I feel like that I just breathe out as long as I possibly can then breathe in slowly and try and forceablly slow myself down and it goes eventually, remember to recognise it as anxiety (hard i know) and remember nobody has ever died from it, you're safe and you CAN breathe. You're gonna be fine, you won't be like this forever xx

[punkprincess19]

Hi punkprincess...

I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling so bad at the moment. You say you have tried all these different things.. how long have you suffered from anxiety? What is your root cause do you know, and are you currently taking any meds etc?

Pokerface has given you some great suggestions and I don't need to repeat them, and deep down you must know what works for you - whether it's chilling out with your favourite film or getting out in the fresh air for a breezy walk. I think the massive thing with anxiety is making time for the things that help you and make you feel good - pushing yourself through the barriers... i take it it's health anxiety and agrophobia you suffer from?

Can you make yourself a little plan with some targets. It sounds to me like you'd benefit from specific CBT with guided help - not a general session about panic attacks. You might know how to cope with panic now but you need to learn how to recognise and break your safety behaviours. Writing little targets for each week can be scary but gives you a sense of direction... say in week one you aim to go for a little walk with your partner.. week two you go for a walk with a friend, week three you go for a walk with someone else and so on. So you don't feel as though you are getting nowhere..

I know how it feels to think you have lost yourself. I had some health issues which started my anxiety that has become fixated on a fear of allergic reaction. I got to the point where I was only eating bread, was signed off work and hardly going out. This was about May/June last year. I'm now in a new job working full time, about to move in with my boyfriend, about to start some volunteering on the side...I've had loads of CBT and acupuncture and I'm slowly feeling the fear and doing it anyway with the food thing. You can see my recent post for how I'm getting on.

This site is full of inspiration... but it is important to start by feeling relaxed in yourself. Don't look at the methods through which you have "failed" or tried to get better. You're no failure, you just need to accept you're finding things a little tough right now and there is no shame in that. Be kind to yourself.

Try not to focus on finding the old you. I've started to find a new me and she's a lot better than the old one!! A lot stronger and a lot more understanding too.

Take care of yourself
Amber xx

Hi Amber

What a lovely reply! You have just made me cry! Bless you!

It all started for me back in November 2009, I've had IBS since i was 17 (2004) and didnt like going the toilet in public, I believe this might have been what started off my first panic attack as it happened when i went the toilet in work one day... It sort of snowballed from there and I started having panic attacks all the time, eventually they died down and i was left with health anxiety and then agrophobia too. After having a bad experience with the anti depressants and tramadol i now have a phobia of taking meds :blush:

I did try setting myself some goals a few months ago but at the time i was extremely depressed too so it didnt really work but i should give this another go shouldn't i! It's funny, i sort of know what things i need to be doing but i think i just needed reminding! I'm going to start on a weekly plan in a bit! i think i need to start with much smaller steps too as last time i think i tried to push myself a little bit too hard and would become angry when i couldnt do it.

I'm glad you are doing much better now :hugs:

Take care

Jade xx

[punkprincess19]

I'm loads better than I was in the past, I still have my moments, a lot of things to fix and a way to go until I feel completely ok but I'm slowly but surely getting there!

I don't work at the moment, I'm hoping to get myself back into it this year, hopefully sooner rather than later! Just feeling a bit scared with it all. =/

All my anxiety is focused around my heart so I avoided exercise for months and months. When I first started out my chest hurt, I'd get palps, feel dizzy but it's all cuz of the anxiety and the fact my body wasn't used to exercise anymore. Just start off gentle, 3 times a week for half an hour. You could get a fitness DVD and just have a play around with that all in the comfort of your own living room and you don't have to push yourself :)

I'm sure you've heard of overbreathing? That causes a lot of shortness of breath symptoms, I used to do it constantly and I still do it now quite a lot if I'm honest! When I feel like that I just breathe out as long as I possibly can then breathe in slowly and try and forceablly slow myself down and it goes eventually, remember to recognise it as anxiety (hard i know) and remember nobody has ever died from it, you're safe and you CAN breathe. You're gonna be fine, you won't be like this forever xx

I'm also really scared about returning to work. My doctor keeps telling me to not even think about it until i start to feel better! I've got a wii fit board, i might give that ago and see how it goes! :)

Yea, i think i overbreathe all the time! Sometimes though, i find that i have stopped breathing, like i'm holding my breath without meaning too! I get a winded feeling that really scares me as i can't physically take a breath in when it happens and it makes me panic! The breathing is definitely the worst problem i have as i cant help but panic! :weep: If i could breathe normal again i'd probably feel a hell of a lot better!

I'm going to work a plan in a bit to start doing more and exercising! fingers crossed :)

xx

[PokerFace]

Ohh if you've got a Wii you can get Just Dance 1/2! It's really fun so you don't even really feel like you're exercising! Worth a try if it helps you get back into exercising! :) Good luck with it all! Hope it helps you turn a corner. xx

[allergyphobia]

Hi Amber

What a lovely reply! You have just made me cry! Bless you!

It all started for me back in November 2009, I've had IBS since i was 17 (2004) and didnt like going the toilet in public, I believe this might have been what started off my first panic attack as it happened when i went the toilet in work one day... It sort of snowballed from there and I started having panic attacks all the time, eventually they died down and i was left with health anxiety and then agrophobia too. After having a bad experience with the anti depressants and tramadol i now have a phobia of taking meds :blush:

I did try setting myself some goals a few months ago but at the time i was extremely depressed too so it didnt really work but i should give this another go shouldn't i! It's funny, i sort of know what things i need to be doing but i think i just needed reminding! I'm going to start on a weekly plan in a bit! i think i need to start with much smaller steps too as last time i think i tried to push myself a little bit too hard and would become angry when i couldnt do it.

I'm glad you are doing much better now :hugs:

Take care

Jade xx


Awhh bless you, i'm supposed to be helping not fueling the tears :winks:

It sounds like you've been through a right tough time of it then!! Why don't you start by stopping being so hard on yourself. Anybody would be feeling a little low and unmotivated after what you have been through. So stop beating yourself up... I've been there and that takes up a lot of energy...

I have been completely the same with the goal setting. You almost set too many and cruise along for a while then lose the motivation. I find recording what you have done each is really helpful, but again hard to keep up. But don't feel bad you've stopped - i keep starting and stopping then came to see if i do a little and often it works out a lot better for me. a sort of constant momentum that doesn't tire me out too much!!

definitely don't push yourself too hard. start small and you'll soon start getting somewhere... but don't let yourself get away with it either. could a friend or partner help? my boyfriend often supports me - he'll say right, by friday we want to have eaten such and such or done such and such, and he kicks me into touch if i haven't done it :winks:

I find posting on here helps a lot too - cause people always say let me know how you've got on, and you get so much support when you've done it!!

SO i want to hear about this plan when you've made it. What you're going to do and when. I don't care about how small it is - any step is a step! For example, I was terrified of someone making me a cup of tea at work, even scared to make myself one. SO i broke it down into tiny steps.

First, I took a teabag home from work (as it was a different brand) and drank a bit of a cup with a friend. I did this a couple of times... then i drank one on my own at home.

Next step i made myself a tea at work... did this a couple of times. Then one day my colleague offered me a tea, and I accepted and drank a tiny bit. The next time drank a bit more...and hey presto, now I can slurp away on a tea without even thinking about it... I even drank one in a dodgy builders cafe the other day with spoons all in a pot together!!

So you see. Every challenge how big or small is worth it. These will all mount up and get bigger and bigger and you'll start to see how far you've come.

Keep me updated please Jade! Or i'll be booting you up the :whistles:

Take care
Amber xx

[punkprincess19]

Awhh bless you, i'm supposed to be helping not fueling the tears :winks:

It sounds like you've been through a right tough time of it then!! Why don't you start by stopping being so hard on yourself. Anybody would be feeling a little low and unmotivated after what you have been through. So stop beating yourself up... I've been there and that takes up a lot of energy...

I have been completely the same with the goal setting. You almost set too many and cruise along for a while then lose the motivation. I find recording what you have done each is really helpful, but again hard to keep up. But don't feel bad you've stopped - i keep starting and stopping then came to see if i do a little and often it works out a lot better for me. a sort of constant momentum that doesn't tire me out too much!!

definitely don't push yourself too hard. start small and you'll soon start getting somewhere... but don't let yourself get away with it either. could a friend or partner help? my boyfriend often supports me - he'll say right, by friday we want to have eaten such and such or done such and such, and he kicks me into touch if i haven't done it :winks:

I find posting on here helps a lot too - cause people always say let me know how you've got on, and you get so much support when you've done it!!

SO i want to hear about this plan when you've made it. What you're going to do and when. I don't care about how small it is - any step is a step! For example, I was terrified of someone making me a cup of tea at work, even scared to make myself one. SO i broke it down into tiny steps.

First, I took a teabag home from work (as it was a different brand) and drank a bit of a cup with a friend. I did this a couple of times... then i drank one on my own at home.

Next step i made myself a tea at work... did this a couple of times. Then one day my colleague offered me a tea, and I accepted and drank a tiny bit. The next time drank a bit more...and hey presto, now I can slurp away on a tea without even thinking about it... I even drank one in a dodgy builders cafe the other day with spoons all in a pot together!!

So you see. Every challenge how big or small is worth it. These will all mount up and get bigger and bigger and you'll start to see how far you've come.

Keep me updated please Jade! Or i'll be booting you up the :whistles:

Take care
Amber xx

Right, how about this as a start...

week 1 - Exercise (30 mins) Tues, Fri and Sun
Go for a walk with partner for 10 mins on Mon and Thurs

week 2 - Exercise (30 mins) Tues, Fri and Sun
Go for a walk with partner for 15 mins on Mon and Thurs

week 3 - Exercise (30 mins) Tues, Fri and Sun
Go for a walk with partner for 20 mins on Mon and Thurs

and so on...

It'll be a start to get me exercising and also getting myself out the house a little.

Do you think i should try more than that?

Any suggestions welcome :)

Jade xxx

[allergyphobia]

Which scares you more, the walk or the exercise?
From doing nothing to doing 30 mins might tire you out a lot and might stop you before you've started...but that's just me, as i know how unfit i am..what sort of exercise you going to be doing??

Sounds GREAT though... looks like you're starting tomorrow, am i right??

xx

[punkprincess19]

ok, maybe 20 mins exercise the first week! haha! I'm going to go on the wii fit and see what exercises i can do on there. i don't really want to do anything that's going to help me lose weight because that's the last thing I need as i'm already really skinny and my appetite is rubbush at the moment so i'll try exercises that are more for toning up. I've never exercised in my entire life though so it's going to be hard! :scared15:

I'm starting the plan tonight with a walk later when my partner gets home. I'm actually already anxious about it! I don't really know why I've got this fear of being outside! :shrug: I'm hoping that if i can go on walks with my partner and start being ok with them then i can move on to going to the shop with him and build it up until i feel ok to go on a walk on my own and to the shop on my own (which are very big no no's at the moment).

I'm also going to try to set myself other little goals throughout the week. For example, if i'm feeling ok one day I might pick my 5 year old sister up from school and bring her to mine until Mom gets home (2.5 hours later) and then i'll take her home. This would actually be a big thing for me as i always worry when i'm on my own and have to look after my sister as i worry something might happen to me and she'd be scared! Hopefully she's keep me SO busy i wouldn't have time to think about how i'm feeling!

Is this right how i'm planning? Last time i tried this it was sort of week 1 - 30 mins walk on own. week 2 - do the weekly shop on own. etc. It felt a bit intense and i couldn't manage it and then would get angry. So are the small steps right?

xx

[allergyphobia]

Yes you're completely doing it right in my opinion! I also think it's important to let yourself do the things you enjoy, as this will spur you on. You say you've never exercised and you're skinny... so why not focus on the walks for now, getting you out and about. Also you could play the wii with somebody, like mario at the olympics is a crazy workout and fun!!

Remember though, that exercising etc will make you ache and be tired - so prepare that you will have more aches and pains - remember they'll be caused by the exercise, nothing else!!

You think you're not doing much, but you are! Just because to somebody else it may look small doesn't mean it is not a massive achievement for you.

I think sporadic challenges are good too like you say about your sister...

Look at you, earlier you felt so hopeless and already now you have a plan together, how positive is that!

Good luck on the walk tonight - i found with my challenges I need to do one thing about 3 times before it 'convinced me'... you might need 3 10 minute walks before you feel you can go for longer, if you see what i mean.

Make sure you wrap up warm! Keep us all posted

Amber xx

[punkprincess19]

Thanks Amber :hugs:

Take care xxx

[allergyphobia]

How did you get on Jade? :)

[punkprincess19]

not good... I came down with a massive headache around 5.30 and them when my partner got home he said he had a massive headache and just wanted to go to bed. So I didn't do my walk! :( Plus panic set in again regarding my breathing (still in high panic mode now)

I am going to try to do my exercises later though :)

Xx