View Full Version : Anxiety over my children
I'm an anxious person, been anxious all my life, been on medication for anxiety on a few occasions but not since the 90s. My anxiety used to mostly manifest as health anxiety.
Since I was last treated for anxiety I've been through the best of times and the worst of times: my husband died following an accident just over five years ago and our youngest son was diagnosed with autism just over two years ago. My anxiety through all this has been up and down but not at a debilitating level until, in the last nine months or so it's started creeping up.
I think there's a certain level of depression underlying it and I think that is in part why the focus of my anxiety has changed - I don't care a great deal if I die anymore (can we be clear, I'm not suicidal at all but my death is no longer the worst thing I can conceive of) and so I've sort of passed on my health concerns to my two youngest boys. They are five and eight, the little autistic one is a happy soul, the older boy is quite prone to anxiety himself and I'm also very concerned that my fears could be communicated to him and make him worse.
I've been trying some CBT based self-help in the last month or so and I was trying to convince myself that it was helping but I think that what was helping was just that nothing much provoked me. This morning I found that the older boys legs were covered in (fairly small, fairly unremarkable) bruises. This has put me straight back on my favourite hobby-horse (leukaemia, I think it's 'cos I read a true-life story about it in a teen magazine about 30 years ago!). The strategies for dealing with health anxiety (as advocated by cbt) don't really transfer well when it's someone elses health you're paranoid about. I had him at the doctors last summer trying to get a blood test as I was convinced he was anaemic (I was actually convinced he has leukaemia of course!) but the GP said "Well, maybe, give him some iron. We don't like to do blood tests on kids." ! Since then I've "given" him heart problems, the little one leukaemia also, spent nights running round monitoring them for any possible form of creeping death when they had the usual winter viruses. I'm unhappy (that's an understatement) and I'm worried I'll turn them into basket cases too. Just wanted to hear from anyone who understands
Hi b4eve,
I can relate to worried that my daughter (12 years old) will grow up to have anxiety issues also because of what she has seem me going through. I try and hide as much as I can from her but at her age and at times its impossible.
You have been/are going through a lot in your life so no wonder your anxiety is creeping up, I hope the CBT works for you. I personally have had councelling but although it helped me understand my anxiety causes etc it doesn't really help me in dealing with it. Am starting management classes next week x
Maybe also see your doctor, I am not saying medication is what you should have but it might be at least worth a discussion with him/her.
x
My mother is suffering from health anxiety, which she also projected on to me as soon as I was born. The result was that I was being dragged from one doctor to the next, one hospital to the next, one injection, blood test and examination to the next from a very early age. When I was 10 years old my mother got it into her head that I had diabetes, which was when everything went into overdrive. I remember this phase as having been extremely traumatic for me. It was like torture, without me ever having a say. I'm still feeling exceedingly helpless merely thinking about this time.
At the same time I appreciate that my mother *meant* well. But that didn't mean she was *doing* well. Because she wasn't doing well at all!
Probably not surprisingly, I ended up with anxiety and panic attacks myself as an adult. Thanks to CBT I managed to come to terms and deal with this after a long odyssey of trying everything in order to come to terms with the problem. CBT enabled me to help myself and live my life, and these days I'm 99% anxiety free.
The only thing I haven't conquered yet is my fear of doctors, hospitals and any kind of medical procedure. I'm managing the dentist these days, which is great progress, but as for everything else, I can't even watch Casualty or anything medical on TV without getting immediately very, very uncomfortable. I am also categorically not talking to my mother about anything health-related, as this has the effect of totally dragging me down and scaring the living daylights out of me. I've had to cope with this from a very early age, and it completely traumatised me.
I know I will have to face up to it and confront myself sooner or later, not least because I'm getting older and there will come a time when some kind of medical procedure will have to be undertaken. I will face up to it, like I did to everything else - but it is by far the greatest fear I've ever had in my life!
With all this in mind, think about what you're doing to your children by projecting your health anxiety on to them, b4eve. By the sounds of it you've been through a lot, and I'm sorry to hear you've had some tragedy and a rotten time, and my heart really goes out to you!
At the same time I can't help feeling that you are an adult, and as such responsible for yourself, which means only you can do something about your health anxiety, and that it isn't fair to live it out via your children. I'm sure they will be perfectly alright if they see a doctor for a general check-up every now and again, or whenever there is a genuine kind of necessity. Everything else is merely in your head, and it would be helpful to confront this within yourself, before your children end up like me in agony. Don't do this to your children!
I think some kind of therapy on your part would be helpful in order to get to the root of things, and find out the underlying causes of your condition. This will require some change on your part, in particular change of thinking and attitude, which might feel unsettling at first. But if you could muster to open yourself up a bit, there is a good chance that you will be able to live your life less defensively, i.e. primarily focussed around all the catastrophes that *could* happen, which are, regardless of the tragedies that have happened to you so far, largely in your own head. Only because bad things happened to you in the past doesn't mean that only bad things will happen to you in the future. Your reaction is understandable, but it is distorted thinking!
Nevertheless, there is a slight possibility that something bad can happen, granted - but you will never be in a position to control these things. Such is life.
Wouldn't it be so much more constructive, especially in view of the well-being of your children, to work on your self-esteem and confidence, which would enable you to deal with life in a more pro-active way on the basis of trusting yourself that would enable you to deal with any eventuality to the best of your possibilities, as opposed to merely shrink from it, live in fearful anticipation, and project your insecurities on to health related issues, or indeed your children?
It is ultimately your choice how you are dealing with those problems, of course, but forgive me if I hope you're taking the constructive option for the sake of your children.
European, I don't disagree with anything you say although my mother managed to pass on (whether through her behaviour or maybe just genetically) her health anxiety to me without ever seening to give a flying *thing* about her children's health (she nearly let my sister die of osteomylitis as a baby and had to have a teacher, a nurse and a pharmacist all nag her into taking me to A&E when I broke my nose and it'd been bleeding for four hours). I really try to keep all my anxieties and behaviours covert but I fear it may have its influence anyway. The thing with the CBT is that it isn't giving me much in the way of new insights, it's all things that I know to be irrational etc - my distorted thinking is not broad but it's very ingrained. I have limited experience of counselling in the past and tbh she just put my back up mostly so I'm doubtful whether seeing a therapist would help. Having said that I shall try it if nothing else is helping.
Fear is learned behaviour, which means at the bottom of it there are certain ways of thinking and certain attitudes that we learn from an early age onwards. Of course this feels totally 'normal' to us, as we don't know any different, which makes it often so difficult to actually realise how maladaptive, or indeed dysfunctional, these learned thinking patterns and attitudes actually are.
CBT is not about giving you earth shattering insights, it is not about going into the past and excessively turn over all kinds of stones to see what lies underneath - but it is very pragmatical and hands on in terms of changing your own behaviour.
Once you've managed to change one self-defeating thinking pattern, what usually happens is that lots of other negative thinking patterns tumble like dominoes, and things will get better. Unfortunately, the first step is the most crucial and difficult, as we tend to cling on to what we know. Sadly, a lot of people give up at this point already.
Have you ever asked yourself of the purpose of your behaviour? The purpose of your health anxiety, i.e. what it is supposed to achieve for you emotionally?
Also, do you really believe it's ok to project your health anxiety on to your children because you're mother has done the same thing with you? Isn't that a bit of a contradiction in itself?
Did you read what I wrote? My mother's anxiety transferred without her ever showing any concern over our health - it's possible that an element behind my hyper-vigilance is having suffered from her lack of concern. However, as you say CBT doesn't focus on root causes and I agree with that in general, I am currently pursuing CBT through use of workbooks etc but I'm becoming concerned that it may not work for me though I'm pleased that it seems to have helped you. I think smb25 may have been nearer the point in suggesting that perhaps I need a brain chemical re-jig - I don't want medication but I will try that also if necessary. Please be re-assured that my children are my number one concern in my logical thinking as well as my "pathological" thinking
b4eve, I am sorry that you have had lots of sadness in your life.
I worry about my children although they are adults now. When they were little I worried so much I was advised not to have any more children. I dont 'blame my mother,its just life. Some people's lives are wonderful,and other's are not,there is nothing anyone can do about it.Please try not to dwell on it.
One of my children became disabled out of the blue,no ones fault.
One day at a time.Take care x
"Did you read what I wrote? My mother's anxiety transferred without her ever showing any concern over our health" >b4eve
In that case, your health anxiety must have started in some other way. Given the fact that you had something 'unthinkable' happen to you with the accident and demise of your husband, I wouldn't find it particularly surprising if your health anxiety might have started - or really taken off - as a reaction to this traumatic event in an attempt to stave off further 'unthinkable' situations, this time concerning yourself and your children. But only you can know where the connections are.
As for the "brain chemical re-jig", it might be a good idea in terms of bridging a particularly bad patch, and if it helps you to cope better and enabled you to get to the root causes of your problems and learn to deal with them, then it might be worth thinking about.
If, however, it is only meant to be a quick fix in order to avoid the inevitable insecurity of dealing with the underlying causes, this will not be likely to help you in coping better, but if anything there is a huge potential to make the problems worse. Avoidance is the most lethal strategy anyone could apply in connection with anxiety of any kind, and I think it would be worth it to have a good look at your motives before deciding what you want to do and whether or not to go on medication. Having said that, the choice, of course, is yours.
Hi Nellie, I really don't dwell, in many ways I have things pretty easy that's why it's frustrating that these problems are creeping in.
European, hi again :) As I said in my original post, I've felt anxious forever (to some extent) and health anxious (specifically) for more than thirty years which probably (now I think about it) pre-dates me starting to realise my mother's problems. I've spent many years (on and off) trying, and in many ways succeeding, to untwist patterns of thinking which I suppose is why I'm a bit underwhelmed by CBT but I totally realise something has to change. Medication is not my "weapon of choice" but ultimately it's by any means necessary really. I do think my husband's death has removed that last vestige of comfort in the idea that imaginings are just imaginings and bad things only happen to other people as you say it's brought the "unthinkable" to my doorstep. But honestly, I'm not about to give up on getting to grips with the whole situation whatever route I go down.
"I'm not about to give up on getting to grips with the whole situation whatever route I go down." >b4eveThat's good to hear and I wish you all the best! :)
Hi Eve, first of all, I'm sorry I lost your husband and secondly I hope you don't mind me chipping in. Personally I can see why your mother's lack of care might have caused you to have developed health anxiety and as for the way you are with your children at the moment, I think we can subconsciously sometimes go to the opposite extreme in trying to avoid being like our parents.
I'm wondering if some sort of "talking" therapy with a psychologist or psychiatrist might be more beneficial for you than CBT to help you understand why you are the way you are and help you deal with it? Just a thought but you obviously have a lot on your plate and I just feel you might benefit from some sort of support :hugs:
I think maybe, if I see a therapist, I'll go see a multi-disciplinary one(s) where they assess you and then draw up a programme that they think suits your needs. I'm looking to CBT because it's meant to be the gold-standard for therapy in anxiety disorders but of course not everyone's the same and it may be that some other approach (or combined approaches) could work better.
Hi Eve,
I do hope the therapy you are considering works for you.I am now in my late sixtys
I have been anxious all my life. I have worried myself sick, and had a couple of breakdowns.I have medication,have had it for years.I am ok with that.It takes the edge off,if you know what I mean.The sort of therapy you are talking about will go on for along time.I wish you all the luck in the world
Thank-you Nellie, I'm glad that you have medication that helps, I have found medication useful in the past (flupenthixol was great, lorazepam wasn't) but my problems now seem less acute (than when I took medication in the past) but they're hanging on and on... I think my circumstances and possibly some hormonal element have a lot to do with it - can't do much about my circumstances, GPs are notoriously not interested in peri-menopausal states so I have to go straight in and attack the mind :winks:
Hi Eve,keep in touch. I would like to know how you get on in the future with your treatment you are thinking of having,oh yes --:flowers:that another thing "hormones" say no more!!!
Had a horrible day yesterday where I got all steamed up over nothing so this morning I have looked through a list of local therapists and I've just sent off an enquiry to one of them
Gota butt in here :) suffer with EXTREME health anxiety & i find i dwell on things badly right now am going through a really bad time in my life which started in aug 2010 am only just 28 and feel i have no life i have lost 2stone due to loss of appetite and just cant bare to eat am also emetophobic and now suffering with bad stomach raw burning feelings also in my back i have been the doctors / hospitals so many times my dad even says i will get na invite to there christmas party (lol) as i have been so many times but in a w\y am glad i have been this many times as i finally got an answer to my stomach problems i demanded blood tests for chrons/food allergys etc.... after my doc kept saying i was just suffering with heartburn well turned out my bloods came back as high food alllergys and i have to wait till march 7th for a scope to find out what foods etc.. so i paid private for a vega allergy test as i didnt wanna wait any longer turned out am allergic to wheat / potatoe's & bananas :weep: as with my loss of appetite when i did eat it was just a slice of toast or some days just a quarter piece of toast thats all so now i have to find all foods without wheat / potatoe etc in which is hard am still not eating 100% but am trying but then i have days like today were ive just got no appetite and am very anxious i hate this way of living ive lost so much weight and am always crying no matter what i feel for my children and worry that they may have anxiety when there older and i dont want this to happen but i cant help worry and feeling anxious 24/7 i am hating the way am living, my mum has always suffered anxiety & 2 of my sisters but we were not bought up by are mum so its nothing we copied or followed, our dad brought us uup as well as he could and ever give us reason to wrry but i remembe my first panic attack i was about the age 11-12yrs and they have been with me ever since i just cant seem to shake them off........... am not on any meds which i no i should be i do have ciitalopram but i basically freak out taking meds due to worrying about side effects etc.. even though i have been on this tablets many times before and nothing ever happens to me so why is my negative thinking taking over me ?? am just feeling anxious all day & night and cant seem to relax my doctor has given me also valium 5mg to take if needed i just want to feel normal again & to be able to eat normal and just spend normal time with my chicldren going the park etc but i dont feel i can..............
would love just one NORMAL ANXIETY FREE day..............
how can i get past this ?? do i really need to take the citalopram !!
is there any way to get past this loss of appetite & just eat ?? as am hungry but just cant face eating ??
Hi Honeypie, I'm in full agreement that health anxiety really sucks. I have to say that if I were experiencing problems on the scale you describe I would try meds - I've done it before and I know that the right medication can be helpful but I've never taken citalopram (or any other SSRI) so I can't really say anything about that specifically. Having said that it might be worth waiting until the investigation of your food allergies is concluded as that may underlie both your eating problems and the majority of your feelings of anxiety - who wouldn't feel anxious if they were ill but their doctor kept denying it? Hope you find that things improve soon :)
Hi b4eve. sorry you had a bad day yesterday.These flair ups are a ruddy nuisance, I have them now and again for no apparent reason. I am a horrible person when this happens .One step forward for you .Hope you can get a good therapist:flowers:
Message for Honeypie. Sorry to say this but I think you need more help,whether it is medication or not. Years ago we just had a bottle of tablets. Now we have all the after effects in the box. It puts folk off but I suppose its the rules NHS now.
I was like you years ago loss of appitite etc. My sister had to put up with me and my two children,and my husband did not know what was going on . I took the tablets and eventually got better. Although I went (and still going)through all sorts of things in my personal life.I Am on long term citalopram,Only 10mg also--wait for it_____
chlordiazepoxide to help me calm down, now and again because they are addictive
Keep in touch :flowers:PS being allergic won't help either.What a pain that is.
Hi Honeypie, I'm in full agreement that health anxiety really sucks. I have to say that if I were experiencing problems on the scale you describe I would try meds - I've done it before and I know that the right medication can be helpful but I've never taken citalopram (or any other SSRI) so I can't really say anything about that specifically. Having said that it might be worth waiting until the investigation of your food allergies is concluded as that may underlie both your eating problems and the majority of your feelings of anxiety - who wouldn't feel anxious if they were ill but their doctor kept denying it? Hope you find that things improve soon :)
thanks for your reply i no what you mean and am now glad that i put my foot down and demanded more blood tests etc off my doctor i no i wil now be on a live long gluten free diet its just called i have to deal with it who doesnt ?? just gotta get my cam out the way now (really scared) as this will show everything once biospy is done and i no i can start looking ahead and my stomach can start recovering while am now gluten free :weep: which i hate already and its only been a few days but am sure i will get used to it soon enough x
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