Issues getting on top of me.

[juiceyloop]

Hey everyone,

I'm looking for some advice its a rather long story i'll cut it down as much as possible...here goes.

When i was 7 my parents divorced, ripped my world apart. Within months both parents had new partners. My dad's partner and me NEVER got on. She hated me i hated her simple as that, and we did some horrible things to each other. I was always a mummys girl as i never felt and love from my dads home. He never hugged me or told me that he loved me. Where as mum was always very lovey. I always said i wanted to live with my mother but she lost the custody battle due to my father having the martial home and a good job. Over the years lots happened and the relationship just broke down. There was verbal & mental abuse (i was no angel, i was a rebeling kid who wanted to be with her mummy) then one day my father snapped and punched me in the face and threw me across a bed etc etc you get the picture. But it was swept under the rug like nothing happen. I spent most of my childhood feeling lonely and crying.

One day when my father was away on work i came home from school and had a pen my best friend gave me and she started screming at me saying i'd stolen it, i snapped and bolted for the front door...never looked back and went to live with mum. I started seeing my dad once every few weeks and we started building an ok relationship. Then BANG out of no where i became Agoraphobic when i left school. I then met a guy through my step dad, had a baby and 5 years on we're still together today :)

But two years ago my step mum striked again and caused a mass arguement after my son was born and me and my father haven't spoken since but he see's my sister frequetly. I am so sick of thinking about him, i've spoken to family about perhaps writting him a message on facebook but i am pretty sure he'll reject me. I hate that after everything he has a hold on me, the man is ashamed of me because he dosen't understand my mental health problems, I love the man obviously and miss hi dearly but i'm not deluding myself into thinking we're ever going to have a father/daughter relationship.

So here's where i need the advice. My son is three this month, i hate that maybe he's suffering for my stubborness. I didn't have a grandfather growing up (on his side) because my father asked that he never get in touch i don't want my little boy to miss out the same way. But then i also dont EVER want my boy to feel the same rejection from him that i endured on a daily basis...so do you think i should get in contact with him, ask if he'd like to see my kid? Or do i just need to get over it and bury all this?

Many thanks for reading my essay :doh:

Xxxx

[smb25]

Hi Juicy,

Not sure what to say really and can't advise you on the best way forward. I can see why you want your son to see his grandfather but that also probably means seeing your stepmother to?? at some point anyway, Not sure if you have contemplated that. Is there a neutral relative/friend that can perhaps act as a mediator to see how the ground lies??

Sorry not been that helpful, one other thing, have you had any councelling for yourself?? it might really help you.

Take care
x

[juiceyloop]

Hi there, i know it would mean perhaps seing her but i need to put my diffrence's aside i figure?!

I had councilling 4 months ago...i spent the entire sesh talking about my childhood and how lonely i felt and then spent the remander of that week down on myself and i never went back (anxiety was a big issue going to).

I'm fed up of thinking about this now, its causing me to not sleep well which is giving me cronic migrains and i get worried there's other things wrong with me. :unsure:

[mtatum4496]

Juiceyloop, what I am taking away from this is that you want to do right by your child. At present, you feel that includes making sure your son has a relationship with his grandfather.

One thing that stood out to me is that the reason you did not have a relationship with your grandfather is that your father forbade him from contacting you. To me, it appears that your father has unresolved issues that have nothing to do with you per se, although you have been the recipient of the results of those issues.

Children do need love and stability from their families. Frankly, based on what you shared I'm not sure your father would be a loving stable presence in your son's life unless something within him changes. If you do choose to move forward with contacting your father and offer him the chance to be involved in your son's life, please be careful. If your father continues what is apparently a lifelong pattern, it could do more harm to your son's self esteem than good.

[juiceyloop]

:yahoo:Thank you for the constructive advice ;)

I do hope he has changed, ive seen him be loving to my yongest half sister who is my step mothers child an fathers...shes had a completely diffrent up bringing to me and my full sister. Spoilt, loved, cared for. If he can do it for her i dont see why he shouldn't do it for his grandson.

[mtatum4496]

It would be wonderful if he has changed. Just be careful, so your son is not put into some of the same circumstances you found yourself in as a child.

While I am not one who thinks there is anything wrong with a pop on the bum when a child misbehaves (especially if withholding privileges and other disciplinary strategies fail), I have no patience with anyone who hits a child in the face - I don't care what the circumstances are, it is unnecessary and reprehensible to the nth degree.

For this reason, if you do choose to offer your father the chance to be a grandfather to your son, I would recommend supervision until they do establish a rapport and it is apparent that his presence in your son's life is positive and not negative. Perhaps arranging visits at a park with a neutral relative in attendance or visiting at the home of a neutral relative for awhile before they are allowed to spend time alone together?

[juiceyloop]

I totally get where your coming from...i would never consider it if i didn't know he'd be safe. My father only ever hit me and ive never seen him be violent to anyone else.

He wanted my mother to have an abortion and i think he resents me for the fact he had to settle down so young, i don't blame him its just crappy curcumstance's to be born to lol.

As i'm sure most parents would if my father or anyone for that matter so much as ever laid a finger on my little boy i would do time i prison for the act's i'd comit against them! I'm overly protective when it comes to situations like that because of my upbringing. I don't even like other people telling him off.

Ty for the messages ;) x

[mtatum4496]

Juiceyloop, I guess we have a philosophical difference when it comes to engaging in sex and producing a child. When one chooses to engage in intercourse - even with the use of some sort of birth control - there is always a chance that a child will result. Resenting the child or the partner involved in the creation of that child is self-centered. To willingly engage in intercourse is to de facto say "if a child results, he or she is my responsibility and I will love and take care of my child."

So please, don't give your father a free pass because he was young at the time. Many boys who find themselves fathers rise to the occasion and turn into men, loving their offspring with all their hearts and caring for them with the utmost tenderness and respect.

Sorry, this is a somewhat touchy subject for me as a non-custodial dad. I would love nothing more than to have my boy living under my roof and see him each and every day, but he is five hundred miles away with his mom (who by the way is a very good woman and an excellent mother). So when I hear of a male (I will not dignify such as a man) resenting his child, being physically or emotionally abusive to that child, or failing to be as involved in that child's life as he possibly can be, it makes my blood boil.

[juiceyloop]

Wow...thats the dad i wanted! But i gave up deluding myself that we'd ever have a relationship.

I think his arguement is that because he clothed me and fed me thats all i needed...he treated me diffrent to my sister, made fun when i started putting weight on etc etc.

Its not a free pass, believe me i dont think i'd of turned into the person i am and have the mental illness's i do without the childhood i had...i'll never forgive them for that.

But i'm also greatful due to the fact it has made me the best possible parent i can be, my son couldn't be more loved, protected and cherished if he tried. :hugs:

I guess i just crave a bit of pride from my father the way he does over my other two sisters, but then being the way i am i guess its to much to ask! :shrug:

[mtatum4496]

It's good that you want to make sure that your son does not go through what you did. To a degree, I think any truly loving parent feels that way. My father was also of the opinion that being the breadwinner and putting food on the table amounted to fulfilling his parental responsibilities. His indifference has impacted my approach to my son - possibly to my son's embarrassment and chagrin since I never miss a chance to tell him I love him and I'm proud of him LOL

While I eventually moved past the need for my father to provide some sort of validation (and you will too someday, I'm sure of it), I have tried to use that experience to not make the same mistake. When my son reaches adulthood in a few years, perhaps it will be apparent that if nothing else, he knows he has the security of both his mom and his dad being in his corner no matter what. And with your situation, no matter what, you do have the power to give that to your son too.

[sarah_85]

hi, sorry to hear about all that's gone on in your life. i can sympathise to some extent, being a child of divorced parents and a generally messy and disfunctional family.
i dont know what advice to give you about your situation, but i will sing the praises of therapy til the cows come home.
i had no idea what sparked my anxiety and panic disorder, but therapy has helped me so much, and we do spend most of the time talking about my family issues, issues i didnt realise i had until someone actually took the time to listen to what i thought, felt and had to say (so i do pay for that but stil! it's been so so helpful). therapy has helped me work through lots of family issues and altho i do still suffer sometimes, the difference in me is enormous since i began it. hope this helps xx