really disturbed by Black Swan film

[lior]

just come out from black swan - sorry to spoil a scene from it if you haven't seen it, but i feel a bit sick. there's a bit where winona ryder takes a metal nail file and stabs her face, through her cheeks, all around her face, and is about to do it through her head... she stabs herself in the same sort of way as i used to think about all the time when i was suicidal.

i'm not any more, but it took me a long time to get those thoughts out of my head and now the visions are so fresh in my mind... i don't want go back to hwo i was, it's just awful, so afwul, it's the worst, i'm more afraid of wanting to stab myself than actually stabbing myself.

i'm worried i'll get back into that pattern and spiral. it's so easy to get behind. i always feel behind anyway, i'm never on top of things. but i set myself up to do too much - i can't achieve everything i want to. i'm never good enough for myself.

ok. i can't know if those images are going to affect me now or not. i have to give myself time. i feel almost as if i've been waiting to become depressed again. someone told me that once you've been depressed, you'll always go back, and i don't want it to be true but since it was one of the first things i found out about depression it seems to be true in my mind deep down.

ok. i will distract myself and see what happens. what will i do if i start being depressive? what will i do what will i do?

[ChrisK]

Try wearing it out with another movie.

[lior]

I watched something else, but today while I was half asleep I imagined being cut through my throat, my head being cut off. I used to think about that a lot. That was the only moment today though. So hopefully that's it.