Having a very hard time

[alihud]

Hi there i'm having a very difficult time following the death of my mum in December.Her death was very harrowing and i now keep having flashbacks and am feeling very panicky about dying.I just keep going over and over what has happened.
I've just started seeing a bereavement counsellor but its the time in between i need to get through.My kids are going to their dads this weekend and i'm dreading it as i will be on my own as usual and i'm finding it so hard at the moment.
I cant seem to reach out to anybody for fear of being rejected.I just want it to be me and my kids and when they go away i just cant seem to cope:(
I know this is all probably normal after a terrible trauma but what the hell do i do?
Ali x

[wiskersonkittens]

Ali -- I wish I had the answers for you. I am writing because I have been through a rough time myself and I understand where you are coming from. My grandmother, who raised me, died suddenly almost 3 years ago and I haven't been the same since. After her death I started experiencing SEVERE anxiety -- I guess you'd say I had a nervous breakdown. I had to call 911 once because my symptoms got so bad I really thought I was dying. I had to go to the ER twice, too. I just couldn't get myself under control. It wasn't until i started experiencing dizziness that my doctor told me it was grief. I started reading books on it and was hoping I had understood what was going on with me. The year after, I had to have surgery to remove a benign tumor. After that, I had a complication. A few months later I learned my grandfather was dying -- he raised me with my grandmother -- and I started experiencing anticipatory grief. During this time I remember I just couldn't breathe. I felt tingly and numb all the time. Then one day when I was out I had the worst heart palpitation (whatever it was) I ever had. Since then I was consumed with worry -- something had to be wrong with my heart now. Even in stores i started feeling like I was going to faint, so I had to get out of there quickly. My palpitations kept up, even to the point at certain times it makes me feel strange in the head. My doctor wasn't concerned -- anxiety. Yet it continued (by this time I brought my grandfather home to take care of in his final months) and I went back to my doctor and he listened and said everything was fine. Blood work was normal, too. My last EKG was prior to my surgery and it was fine. Still, the symptoms are strong and real, and I am scared to death I have those dangerous palpitations that makes one pass out. This fear was so consuming I could hardly spend time with my grandfather when he went to the hospital. I tried to visit him but within minutes I was light headed and had to go. The hospital would have been the best place to pass out, but I didn't want to chance it. He died last June and my grief was different. I was with him when he died and that helped with a lot of it, so I was able to be sad for a bit then carry on. Then, in October, my precious cat passed away suddenly and my heart was broken. I think of her and just burst into tears. She was very special to me. My anxiety has gotten so bad I am now agoraphobic. I don't want to pass out or die in front of people. It's crazy. I realized today, though, that I am still grieving for my grandparents and my cat. And, I think there was some trauma in regard to my surgery. I had to lose an adrenal gland in the whole process. I worry the surgery messed me up somehow. Too much in such little time.
My heart goes out to you. I am sorry about your mom. It is too soon yet. It will take a lot of time to move through this, but you will come out on the other side. I hope others have something they can share, something I can benefit from, too. You aren't alone, and if you even need to talk, feel free to PM me. Hugs, Wiskers

[clickaway]

Ali,

Yes, it's Ray!

I'm so very sorry to hear that you lost your mum in December. Every death is different for different people, but I would say that you tell yourself that these particular feelings about you will pass in time.

When I was at my lowest, I could not even watch a football match as I kept on visualising that one of the players was going to suddenly collapse with a heart attack - these being some of the fittest people in the country!

Just keep reminding yourself that your mother's death does not mean you are about to die too. Keep telling yourself that it is pretty common for anxious people to have quite illogical thoughts, and that the truth is you are probably as fit as a fiddle!

I know it's difficult hun, but these things do pass, and unfortunately we have to tolerate the pain in the meantime.

Big Hugs
xx

[alihud]

Ray its really good to hear from you!!
Unfortunately i'm not fit as a fiddle,i went on to develop a rather nasty condition called fibromyalgia which means i am in pain all over every day and have severe fatigue.To be honest i think it was an illness waiting to happen as it does seem to be an illness resulting from severe stress.I sure wish i could back pedal very very fast!!
I do agree that it is something that should get better with time.
How are you doing Ray?
Ali xxx

[alihud]

Wiskers on kittens thankyou for taking the time to reply to me in such an indepth way.I am sorry for your loss too.
I dont know what else to say at the moment.I hope things get better for you in time too.
Ali xxx

[PoppyC]

Hi all
Sorry to read about what you are both going through.
You have gone through a lot!
I just wanted to mention, that after my Dad died, I fell apart, and ended up taking medication. My death phobia was really bad, and I became very morbid. My mum died quite soon after, and that affected me, but perhaps not as much as my Dads death, because my mums death was kind of expected, whereas my Dads death wasnt Maybe the citalopram helped with how I felt.
My baby cat died suddenly (he had not been ill) a few months ago, and that really affected me badly. The grief was as intense as other grief that I have been through. My anxiety got worse, and all the rest, including agoraphobia.
The only thing that has helped has been time. As time has gone on I am feeling a lot better than how I was. My fear of death has subsided too.
Bereavement counselling will help a lot. I hope that given time, you will feel better too. :hugs::flowers:

[alihud]

Thanks Poppy.sorry to hear about your losses too.HUGS.
I had my second bereavement counselling session today.Before i went there i was feeling absoloutely dreadful,very very low but when i came out i did feel much better.Just getting some more out of my system really helped.I have alot in common with my counsellor and i feel she really really empathises.
I'm also going back to see my psychic healer on wednesday.I last saw him before my mum dad and we were making headway with my issues with my ex husband.Its costly but so worth it and i'm hoping he can now help me again now my mum has gone.
But i guess as you said time does help and things start settling down again.So i shall keep that in mind,you have to remember things dont stay the same and they can get better.When you're feeling so low you just can't see it can you?
Ali xx

[Horse]

Alison.

Considering what you have been through, it is perfectly normal to be the way you are at the moment......but you know that anyway!

My Mother passed away ten years ago and I still find it hard to get through sometimes. I am 56 and have had my fair share of losing friends and relations over the years. My father died suddenly when I was 13 and although that was a terrible shock, nothing quite is the same as losing a Mother.

Perhaps you are also suffering the effects of Separation Anxiety after the passing of your Mum, again quite natural. You say that you are dreading your children going to their Fathers because you will be alone, so therefore I believe this to be the case!

I don't know what your religious beliefs are Alison but I like to think that I will meet up again with my Mum when it's time (no doubt she will give me a few rollickins). Also, you may get some comfort from talking to her now and again, being as she's probably watching over you, why not if it makes you feel better?

Sadly, there is nothing that can take away the pain of bereavement. Only time can slowly ease the suffering and this will depend on each persons spirit.

You must be strong for the sake of your children and also show them that you are there to support them also (no matter how much you are hurting inside).

You fear of reaching out is probably just your Anxiety talking.

Can I say that I know of not one person on this site that will reject or judge you.

Should you wish to PM me for some support or comfort then please do so.

May God bless you.

Horse.

[tess]

hi guys,i ust wana say i completley empathise with what both of you are goin through,i lost my mum a couple of months ago to whom i was very very close and since then have extreme anxiety.i found this site one day when trying to figure out what was wrong with me and im glad i did,i got so much comfort knowing i wasnt alone in this and wasnt going crazy ,in the past few weeks i have been to see doc and i am starting some counceling i just wanted to share my story and say were all holding hands and getting through this together HUGS xxx tess

[clickaway]

I'm so sorry to hear that Ali. It sounds like it is something than can only be overcome by de-stressing over time. I hope you are going some good support on this?

I've been involved in a mental health art project over the last two years and at last our work is on display on the local art gallery. I'm also taking part in a reading of prose and poetry that the group have written. This is all new stuff for me, and I'd like to get involved with both activities more if that is possible.

Sending you positive vibes:)