Ben Jamin
10-02-11, 22:01
Hi, my name's Ben and I'm 29. I just want to start by saying it's great to have found a forum like this, where I can actually relate to some of the things people are saying. Just thought I'd say hello and ramble a bit about myself, if for no other reason than to actually express it in some constructive way.
I've been suffering from panic attacks for about 3 or 4 years now, although I had had them several times before that without realising what they actually were. These have gradually become more frequent and severe, to the point where even when I'm not having a panic attack, I suffer from anxiety almost constantly. I'm not being melodramatic when I say that this has ruined my life.
My anxiety has made me feel uncomfortable around virtually everyone. I can't generally form any sort of bond with anyone or even have normal conversations with a lot of people as I'm extremely self conscious about what I am saying and how I am acting, and am constantly aware of the fact that panic is growing stronger the longer I am talking to them. So I try and avoid conversations with people I don't know well and if people do talk to me, I generally try and get out of the conversation as soon as possible before I say something really stupid or start acting strangely.
I am terrified going to work every day. I work in an office and as part of my job I often have to have meetings with various people. Generally I manage to keep them as short as possible but sometimes I can't do this, and spend the whole meeting trying not to panic too much for fear that I will pass out if I do.
This seems to be growing worse every day. Don't get me wrong, I have my good days when I feel I have my panic under control, but even my good days can take a sudden turn for the worse at any point. I'm fairly sure that quite a few people around the office have probably started to think I'm a bit weird, due to the fact when they try and talk to me I can't get my words out properly or blurt out something stupid because I panic and can't think of anything to say.
I feel like panic has stripped me of my masculinity and made me feel generally pathetic. I have still somehow managed to maintain a social life through all this, but don't feel like I can talk about it to anyone. On the odd occasion I have tried, I have just skirted around the topic to test the water, and have ended up feeling even worse for it when I realise that they can't relate to what I'm saying. I sort of feel like it's a bit of a dirty secret, and although my friends have probably seen me act a bit weird on certain occasions, I have somehow managed to keep the true extent of it well hidden from them, although I'm not sure how much longer I can keep up the act.
I have been to see a doctor who has referred me to a centre which deals with anxiety problems. I went to an appointment yesterday for an assessment, with a friendly nurse who seemed fairly sure they would be able to help me, and had put me on the waiting list for CBT treatment from a psychologist. To be honest though, deep down I don't feel like it's going to help. I prefer to keep an open mind about these things, but I've read several books on panic and anxiety as well as a lot on the internet, and as enlightening as it's been, none of it has really helped me in the long run. I feel like a bit of a lost cause - like I'm on a downwards spiral that's never going to get better, only worse. This has literally taken over my whole life, I can't go out shopping, couldn't even imagine going on a date anymore, and can only go out at weekends if I have enough alcohol to stop me feeling so self conscious. My working life is like a living nightmare.
Sorry about the massive rant, but I do actually feel better immediately for having put my thoughts into words. I spend so much time with all of this buzzing around my head, trying to hide it from people that it's a nice release to actually make some verbal sense of it. Sorry if I'm sounding really negative as well, it just happens to be the way I'm feeling at the moment.
Feel free to comment, would more than welcome any advice; thanks for reading :)
Ben
I've been suffering from panic attacks for about 3 or 4 years now, although I had had them several times before that without realising what they actually were. These have gradually become more frequent and severe, to the point where even when I'm not having a panic attack, I suffer from anxiety almost constantly. I'm not being melodramatic when I say that this has ruined my life.
My anxiety has made me feel uncomfortable around virtually everyone. I can't generally form any sort of bond with anyone or even have normal conversations with a lot of people as I'm extremely self conscious about what I am saying and how I am acting, and am constantly aware of the fact that panic is growing stronger the longer I am talking to them. So I try and avoid conversations with people I don't know well and if people do talk to me, I generally try and get out of the conversation as soon as possible before I say something really stupid or start acting strangely.
I am terrified going to work every day. I work in an office and as part of my job I often have to have meetings with various people. Generally I manage to keep them as short as possible but sometimes I can't do this, and spend the whole meeting trying not to panic too much for fear that I will pass out if I do.
This seems to be growing worse every day. Don't get me wrong, I have my good days when I feel I have my panic under control, but even my good days can take a sudden turn for the worse at any point. I'm fairly sure that quite a few people around the office have probably started to think I'm a bit weird, due to the fact when they try and talk to me I can't get my words out properly or blurt out something stupid because I panic and can't think of anything to say.
I feel like panic has stripped me of my masculinity and made me feel generally pathetic. I have still somehow managed to maintain a social life through all this, but don't feel like I can talk about it to anyone. On the odd occasion I have tried, I have just skirted around the topic to test the water, and have ended up feeling even worse for it when I realise that they can't relate to what I'm saying. I sort of feel like it's a bit of a dirty secret, and although my friends have probably seen me act a bit weird on certain occasions, I have somehow managed to keep the true extent of it well hidden from them, although I'm not sure how much longer I can keep up the act.
I have been to see a doctor who has referred me to a centre which deals with anxiety problems. I went to an appointment yesterday for an assessment, with a friendly nurse who seemed fairly sure they would be able to help me, and had put me on the waiting list for CBT treatment from a psychologist. To be honest though, deep down I don't feel like it's going to help. I prefer to keep an open mind about these things, but I've read several books on panic and anxiety as well as a lot on the internet, and as enlightening as it's been, none of it has really helped me in the long run. I feel like a bit of a lost cause - like I'm on a downwards spiral that's never going to get better, only worse. This has literally taken over my whole life, I can't go out shopping, couldn't even imagine going on a date anymore, and can only go out at weekends if I have enough alcohol to stop me feeling so self conscious. My working life is like a living nightmare.
Sorry about the massive rant, but I do actually feel better immediately for having put my thoughts into words. I spend so much time with all of this buzzing around my head, trying to hide it from people that it's a nice release to actually make some verbal sense of it. Sorry if I'm sounding really negative as well, it just happens to be the way I'm feeling at the moment.
Feel free to comment, would more than welcome any advice; thanks for reading :)
Ben