Does every woman... [Archive]

harasgenster

11-02-11, 14:26

Hi, this is a bit embarrassing, but am I the only woman who doesn't remove their pubic hair? It somehow came up in conversation about six months ago and my boyfriend said he'd never been with a woman that wasn't shaved apart from me. This kind of freaked me out so I asked him if he preferred it the way his ex-girlfriend's had it and he said yes.

Now, my boyfriend isn't the most tactful person in the world and he has apologised SO MANY times since he said this, once he'd seen how upset I got. He thought at the time it was a relatively innocuous statement to make but I've been having nightmares now and again since then.

I just feel like I'm some kind of idiot that doesn't know how to be a woman. Or like a naive little girl. To be honest, it's not my kind of thing to maintain my image anyway, I don't wear make up and I usually forget to shave my legs and armpits, I don't buy new clothes - all just because it doesn't really bother me. But for some reason this really, really has bothered me.

It may seem simple enough to just shave it off but I have this thing where I just CAN'T do anything to my body if I feel like I'm doing it to please someone else. My boyfriend said that attitude sounded a bit childish (although I think I worded it differently, like I would do it of my own accord but not if someone asked me - I think that's what I said) but it's just a pride thing. I really can't do it now, because it wouldn't only be for me, and that would make me feel like I was doing things to please him - I just think I would risk my self esteem if I changed my body in anyway for another person.

I know this all sounds trivial and stupid but this has literally been making me feel awful for six months now every time pubic hair or related subjects come up on tv, with friends, when I'm having sex, anything that reminds me!

So! Does every woman do this apart from me? Is the fact I don't do it weird or does it make me a scruff or anything? Does it make me seem childish or unsexy or anything?

I'm 24 by the way and until this came up was a bit arrogant about my sexiness (just presumed I was whether I was dolled up or in bed with a hangover!) but this has totally crushed all of that!

Thanks and sorry for long post

daisycake

11-02-11, 14:42

I tend to get rid of mine but thats simply because I find it cleaner and nicer - I know lots of girls who don't bother with it, it's the same as shaving your armpits isn't it, personal preference etc. If you're happy with it then why worry? It's very definitely not arrogant to feel that way at all, I rather admire you for sticking to your guns - me, I run around trying to make the rest of the world happy at the detriment of myself!! I wouldn't say its scruffy either, its totally up to you and if you don't want to do it, don't let your boyfriend make you feel you should x

allergyphobia

11-02-11, 14:50

Hi harasgenster

I wonder if my last thread prompted this post - basically a nasty experience with a razor has left myself (and my embarrassment) a little dented!!

It sounds like you were a confident woman, and hopefully still are - you sound like you're comfortable in your own skin, not worrying about make up, clothes, even your armpits (not that i'm exactly giving you the thumbs up about that one :winks:)...

but seriously.. you sound confident and secure, even arrogant you say... don't let one little comment ruin that! it sounds like the whole thing has spiralled. does your boyfriend even know how much this has affected you? you say he's apologised since, but do you speak about it often - or is it just you in your head flinching when things remind you of it??

Personally IMO if you have never done it, doing it now would definitely be because of this situation...but not necessarily for him.. maybe it's the way to lose your uncomfortable-ness (i know that is probably not a word) about the situation... but there again, why should you have to do that? you were confident before, and you haven't changed it all this time - so it is obviously not as big a problem for your boyfriend as perhaps you are thinking??

sorry this is a bit of a jumbled post. it's hard for me to relate as i am quite a girly person but i know nether regions come in all shapes and sizes and you should never be embarrassed or ashamed or change how you do something or feel just to suit somebody else. let it all hang out girrrl, hehe!

:hugs:

countrygirl

11-02-11, 15:05

harasgenster

11-02-11, 15:06

Hi
Thanks for your advice. I speak about this often with my boyfriend and he always apologises and says he doesn't know what to do, because it's not actually a big deal to him at all.

I'm not sure it's really about that, though. I think it's really just about my self esteem. Although I am confident about how I look, I think all of that confidence has come from external sources - no one has ever said I'm not sexy/pretty etc. Whenever it's been brought up I have always been told I am sexy/pretty etc. This was the first time that was questioned - something I had wasn't as sexy as something someone else had.

Like many things I was previously confident about (intelligence, humour, talent) I assume I am "good" because people have always said that but then just one questioning of that - one sign that it might not be true - and all of that confidence disappears immediately.

This hasn't just affected me when I think about hair, it makes me feel like I'm not sexy during sex, or getting undressed, or wearing sexy clothes - I just don't feel sexy at all anymore.

I think this is the problem really. One stab at my confidence (and I know my boyfriend didn't mean it that way!) and everything just collapses around me. I just don't know what to do about it!

I'm afraid just getting rid of the stuff might not help. I think it comes with the feeling of "I have to do this to be sexy" and that thought makes me feel upset. I don't want to do anything to be sexy, I just want to be sexy without having to try! (I guess this was the way I FELT before, even if it wasn't necessarily always true!! :D)

ElizabethJane

11-02-11, 15:15

Hi I don't think that you should do it just because your boyfriend wants you to. I've never shaved off my pubes completely preferring to give it a trim. I have thought that I would look like a girl again and I would feel more exposed. Shaving would encourage stubble (not attractive) If it was me and I wanted to do it I would wax it. I'm like Countrygirl in age and worries about lip, chin and facial hair worry me more. EJ.

Hazel B

11-02-11, 17:59

How would your boyfriend feel if you said you only went with men who were circumcised? Or shaved their chests? He's been a git and should apologise!

Incidentally, I keep my bits "trimmed" but never shave, I use a bikini trimmer. I do it for myself and hygiene as I don't use tampons, just liners (sorry TMI!).

Be yourself and what you're comfortable with.

smb25

11-02-11, 19:06

I did shave... once... that was enough! it was soooo itchy when it grew back. Not doing that again. Now I use a hair trimmer to keep it in check. If I didn't .. well ape comes to mind!

Personal choice, only do what YOU want to do.

Tish

11-02-11, 20:30

I agree, shaving is SO itchy. My advice would be to use a comb to get a close trim without cutting yourself! x

haz

11-02-11, 20:32

lol :D I think a lot of younger women do remove all their pubic hair but I'm 42 yrs old and a "nice neat triangle" has always been good enough for me! I get my bikini line waxed and I trim my pubic hair (which is turning white incidentally so I may well soon be forced to "remove all") but I couldn't tell you the difference between a Hollywood and A Brazilain, don't have the pain threshold for it either. And what's this latest craze called, "Vejazzle" or something???? God, I'm getting old :weep:

Vixxy

12-02-11, 13:23

I tend to shave around the edges so it doesnt stick out the side of pants, but I dont do it often as I always end up with ingrowing hairs, which just isnt worth it!
I do trim the hair to make sure its not growing wild lol, but thats about it.
Ive often thought about waxing, but it seems too much pain for only a little hair free time.

dread

12-02-11, 18:26

Personally....I think if you not shaving in any awhatever areas bothered him, he wouldnt still be with you :) so I wouldnt worry about it!!

Rachel W

12-02-11, 22:58

I don't shave either. I shave at the leg line in the summer so that if I wear a swimsuit it isn't visible, and I have started to trim it a little, especially before my period as it is cleaner that way. I have heard you have to be very careful about waxing there as it can allow nasty bacteria in. I would say if you want to be a bit neater down there then trim (but be careful if using scissors :scared15:). You may want to shave a little of the borders but I wouldn't worry about shaving all. Never done this and never will.

If your boyfriend likes a shaved area then maybe HE should do it instead!!!

Angelai

13-02-11, 00:21

I don't know of any women who does shave there but maybe thats because I am getting old!! 49 yrs old and this is just a thing with young ones. I have enough trouble keeping the legs underarm and horror of horrors lip and chin hair free:D:D:D

Thank you countrygirl, that did make me giggle!

I have gone from not shaving or trimming or anything, through trimming and 'edging' to now shaving completely. Because I wanted to, not because someone else wanted me to!

It is a personal choice and we should never feel pressured to do something we're not happy with.

harasgenster

13-02-11, 12:28

Thanks for all your replies.

I do trim now and again and have used removal cream and shave before (shaved as a teenager and use cream if going on holiday). I just can't be bothered with the upkeep and I certainly don't want to spend money on it.

I'm not going to do it because I can't be arsed but I just have to get over the knowledge that my boyfriend is secretly hoping I will (which he rather tactlessly admitted to when I asked him). Then again, I secretly hope he'll lose weight but if he didn't it wouldn't really matter.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who can't be bothered! I just need to forget that he wants me to now. Once that's forgotten I'll be ok! It'll be difficult when we go on holiday because I always do it then so I can wear a bikini. I don't really want to witness him preferring me that way because it'll really add to the pressure to give in and start keeping up with it. If I did start removing it just because of pressure I'd feel bad about myself, though, so yeah...Think I'm just seeing all possible future distress and worrying now!

harasgenster

13-02-11, 15:02

Argh! And there it is again! I click onto the Guardian website and there's a headline in the Life & Style part saying: Why do we ALL remove our pubic hair? This is utter torture!

It seems like the issue is absolutely everywhere now and everytime something reminds me I suddenly get depressed and my bf doesn't know why (I don't want to KEEP going on about it) and he gets upset because he doesn't know what to do. This is honestly just getting ridiculous now. I've started fantasising about mutilating my own genitals, it's insane.

Please let this be a passing obsession that goes away!

Rachel W

13-02-11, 18:15

I think you should talk to him about how the conversation made you feel, and how much it bothered you. Tell him that you know that there are loads of people who don't shave (I wouldn't tell him about this discussion though), and you don't want to either.

I think while this is in your mind, and not discussed completely, then it will get in the way of the relationship. Just don't get upset while talking about it. try to keep it serious, but not too much so.

That article that you saw is in a magazine where things like this are encouraged, just like size 0 models, but REAL people are different.

ElizabethJane

13-02-11, 20:27

smb25

14-02-11, 13:51

As far as i know, a brazilian leaves just very small line of pubic hair (bit like a strip! :wacko:

A hollywood is waxed off completely.

I had my "lady garden" waxed once... for holiday purposes and it really really really hurts.. hence only the once. My tattoo was less painful!

Hazel B

14-02-11, 20:11

HarasG, don't let this worry become a fixation for you. Make the decision and then stick with it, your boyfriend should love you and support you regardless. It's your body and your decision, most women I know only tidy up for swimming and holidays. As I said before, I trim only for hygiene as my periods are quite heavy. I've been with my fella for 8 years and if he told me he wanted me to lose all my pubes, I'd tell him to p xxx off and go and date someone else who is more easy to manipulate.

Please don't let this dent your self-confidence. It's your choice.

JulieJay92

17-02-11, 19:43

i sheved a few times but hated the itchiness and redness afterwards and as someone else said the ingrowing hairs

My OH does like it neat and tidy but sometimes i seriously just let it go!!!! Im only 36 and the dreaded white hairs have started to appear already and i plucked some but now have 3 times as many

Personally i dont mind eiher way, i go through phases. A few months of being waxed then a few months of nothibg being done at all

Pinkella

25-02-11, 17:05

Theres always a bikini wax....;)

No itching with that ....but it is all about personal preference...if u don't want to shave or wax then don't...its ur choice not his!

Kells81

25-02-11, 17:12

You know what-I have never thought about the hairs down there going grey! I'm not sure why it has never occured to me that it is something that would happen.

I am 30 in 4 weeks so might have to start looking out for them! xxx

harasgenster

25-02-11, 17:49

Hadn't realised people were still posting to this thread :)

This is what happened after I had posted here:

I trimmed mine because I was starting to feel angry everytime I saw it. I usually literally just leave mine and let it grow wherever it wants! Though, I think I said earlier, that unless I'm going to have them out in public I don't do my legs or armpits either and I only do my eyebrows once they start looking REALLY untidy. That's what I'm like and I'll probably never change :)

However, once I'd trimmed, I told my boyfriend it still didn't mean I was going to go further. He looked at me blankly and said "what do you mean? What you've done is all I meant!"

So after all of that he JUST wanted me to trim. He then said only one of his exes had had a line down the middle and the rest were fully grown (shall we say) but trimmed relatively short.

So that's all it was! However, I still resented that I had done something I wouldn't usually do because of the pressure and had a go at him. But it turns out, as he calmly recalled what conversations we've had about this over the last 8 months, that he does not mind anyway. He just wanted it "out of the way" for ahem...practical purposes during....ahem....

In the end he said he wished I hadn't done it because he doesn't want me to feel that I have to do anything. He's used to me being unshaven and untidy, I've never been anything else, and says it bothers me much more than it bothers him (and it only bothers me because I THINK it bothers him!)

So there you go. That was a lot of upset over nothing. I still feel a bit inadequate, but I think that's just because I generally feel like I should make more effort. Then again, not everybody is the same are they? I resent wearing make up and dressing up or making myself look nice in any other way unless I am in a mood where I particularly want to do those things (which is not very often!) I guess it's something most women enjoy but I find it dull and time-consuming, and there's really nothing wrong with that. (trying to beleve this!)

The important thing, in his point of view (and he has repeatedly pointed this out!) is that I continue to be exactly the way I am unless I want to change for some reason. He reckons it is sexier that I am "just me" than trying to be something else to please men.

So there. I'm trying to believe that and calm down! :)

Hazel B

25-02-11, 20:49

Be yourself and be comfortable with who you are.:D

shoegal

15-03-11, 08:44

harasgenster

15-03-11, 09:59

May I just add something? Why exactly do you have such a problem with doing something so small for your partner? I'm not suggesting that you should change who you are or anything but what's wrong with making a little extra effort sometimes to make another person feel special? I'm not suggesting that there is anything wrong with not trimming BUT why not do it occasionally just to add a bit of variety to the 'occasion' if you know your other half likes it?

I guess I'd feel resentful. I don't know why, I probably shouldn't feel that way, but I think I would resent feeling the need to change my body in any way. To me, it would be just the same as if he asked me to lose weight when I was happy with the weight I was at because he happened to like skinny girls. I know to most people it wouldn't be the same, but I suppose I feel a little affronted by any suggestion that my body isn't good enough just how it is, because it's good enough for me. There's a part of me that thinks I don't really want to start doing something to my body it would never have occurred to me to do in order to please another person. I'm happy to modify my actions to compromise - like I'm a very messy person but I try very hard to keep on top of it because I know my bf hates it. I don't resent things like that. I suppose I just resent things that are about my body. As well, since I have never used any substantial amount of time taking care of the way my body looks, it feels like it would be quite a lot of pressure to make sure I remember to keep on top of something like that. I'm terrible for remembering to shave my armpits. I guess I don't notice when they're hairy, but nowadays I feel bad for having hairy armpits, because I don't want to be unappetising for my boyfriend (that was completely the wrong word!)

He never actually says he wants me to change things by the way. In fact, he has specifically said he doesn't want me to change anything if I'm doing it for him rather than myself. I feel the same way about him - I'd love it if he lost a bit of weight but if he was going to do that I would feel awful if he was doing it for me (but this just means I don't mention it, so that he doesn't know, because that would put pressure on him). I don't even tell him that I fancy him much less when he shaves his beard off because if he wants to go without a beard for a while, I don't want him to feel uncomfortable about doing it. It just crosses a line to me. I wouldn't want him to have a beard just because I like it (although luckily he usually keeps one!)

My boyfriend says I have got it into my head that it bothers him a lot more than it actually does! He says he never really thinks about it. My problem really has something to do with the way I am approaching this mentally. I just haven't quite got to the bottom of why I feel the way I do.

Maybe my body isn't good enough for me after all, maybe that's the problem, but I really don't know. I can't connect the feeling of despair I have when this subject comes up to any particular thought. I find it very difficult to understand why I'm upset sometimes. My only ideas are that I suffered with eating disorders for six years and in that period I hated my body. Now that I hate is less (although I suppose I still want to be thinner) I don't want to have another part of me brought into the spotlight - it's just one more thing I'd need to worry about. I'm not sure that's definitely the reason I feel bad but it maybe comes into it a little. To be honest, if he really wanted someone with shorter hair down there I would prefer he just went out with someone who already had shorter hair down there and I'd go out with someone who didn't have a preference! But obviously it can't be that important to him because he's still here! And I guess that's the point. If he actually DEMANDED it, I would dump him on the spot. But he's not demanding it, so if it bothers him, I guess he's just going to have to make a compromise, but I don't think it actually bothers him that much.

shoegal

15-03-11, 10:18

harasgenster

15-03-11, 10:37

You don't have to say 'I fancy you much less without a beard' because that would upset him. But you could say 'You look nice today darling' when he has a bushy beard which will make him feel good about himself when he looks that way. Do you see what I mean? I think you take comments far too literally and to heart more than others would perhaps? It's good that you are happy with your body but I don't think there is anything wrong with doing things differently to please someone else occasionally. You already know your other half loves you as you are so I don't see why it matters?

Oh, I do always complement him. Although I guess I probably compliment him just as much when he doesn't have a beard. I just want him to know that I like him all the time. I guess I don't think it's my right to want him to be one way or another.

I'm not sure why it matters, either. It's been a sore issue for a long time, but I don't think it has ever made sense to me. It feels very painful to think about, but really I have no idea where the hurt is coming from. Thank you for your advice :)

shoegal

15-03-11, 10:39

By the way I hope you don't think I was criticising as I really wasn't. I'm just curious as to why you have got into a state over such a simple little thing (I know it's not a little thing to you but I hope you know what I mean). It's clear your other half loves you very much anyway so you have nothing to worry about. :)

harasgenster

15-03-11, 10:47

I hope you don't think I was criticising as I really wasn't.

Not at all :) I realise it's one of those issues that seems really minor to everybody but the one that's anxious about it! Happens a lot in people who suffer from anxiety, I think. We all get worked up over nothing some times :)