Anxiety just won't go away [Archive]

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phil06

12-02-11, 23:56

I feel I have a problem I can't free myself of anxiety. I've almost had my six sessions of counselling and it helped maybe the first one or two but i don't believe in affirmations or "just go out". I just keep getting continual anxiety and I just can't cope with it.

I know it's not normal to feel this way so in my head I go through the processes of which help I need next..worst case I go to the doctors and demand to know what is wrong..I can't accept I just have anxiety no matter what people say I feel it's so unbearable feeling fatigued and hit by symptoms physical to mental. I can't push myself or motivate myself to accept it and I have at times but more so now I just refuse..I now have no stress..I removed myself from it all it's all in the past but I feel as worse as ever no sign of it easing.

Just to talk through tonight as that's whats on my mind right now..I was asked to a friends and today I felt crap anyway..I ended up going thought I did well going but came back early again..this has happened more regular the last six months..basically I felt hot, my heart felt sunk into my chest that I could not feel it...and I still had the spiciness from earlier so I couldn't engage in conversation..I was quiet focusing on trying to hide how I felt..so In the end I made an excuse I was tired..but I felt so disconnected I felt my body and mind were not on the planet..just never felt alive it's like a sensation feels pressured like the world is small..I got a taxi home but right now I suffer mild agoraphobia and just getting on a bus seems a major task..finding my way home..some days lately this week just getting up getting breakfast seems hard and I stay on lying in bed..and it feels so real in my head that I can't do it and just have to put up with it..no willpower atall.

I've accepted it can't continue...I've no life living like this I don't feel alive suffering what I suspect is derealization all day. My world is tiny just my bedroom right now..I use to have ambitions of travelling further even to see my sister down south or just to the next town but not now..I put it off and off..and I realise it's been months and I'm missing out..it just seems such an ordeal to "do the task" what helped before was I said well I can last it..go home and lie in bed and yes I'd battle on, come home and just feel the safety of my bed. However tonight I just kept saying "doctors, doctors, maybe I'll faint" so I got the taxi..couldn't even last it out. A few months ago when I had DP bad it was that much of an ordeal to get through a day I went a walk and lasted 1 minute and ran inside..however I manage 15 mins a day pushing myself now.

I posted so much about how I feel and don't feel it will even help..not wanting sympathy just if somebody could understand and make me realise there's hope..as right now I feel defeated..I'm starting to realise agoraphobia could be a slight issue as going out is such a thing for me has been for months even when I worked until recently. Why am I scared to go out? Well the world seems small, compressed, in my head anyway so I feel I can't bear the symptoms..just need to be at home..I feel too that if I pass out I rather do so privately than people see me in public..

It's hard to see what's going on here..I have weeks where the so called ''derelization' is more bearable and when it just suddenly comes..progressively gets worse as the week goes on, just topples my mental stability and all my normal activities even browsing my fav site goes to google...worry, fear..my mind goes blank..I become distant from life, quiet, hide away...I automatically stop socialising..and feel I have little to say..just because of how I feel.

So I just need to feel life again..I can't stay off these sites and worrying. As for self help well I picked up a book this week when I have been suffering DP/DR and I can honestly say I glazed at it half taking it in knowing my mind was somewhere else..instantly I put it down and said rubbish and kept worrying. Yet when my head was clear it made sense..or at times of panic I don't use tools to help I just sit feeling "omg heart attack".

I don't want to go on meds I take propranolol that's it. But the way it's going I may have to look at options as nothing helps me. My only real stress is my life is not where I want it to be but I'm more angry at myself because anxiety is stopping me..I lost my job last weekend but right now the thought of working seems hard because I don't think I can be 100%. Every day I feel it's a miracle I lasted it..got through it..I never enjoy a day fully..any relaxing moment is brief..I'm always tense.

Can anybody understand? Must be some help for me? :shrug:

macc noodle

13-02-11, 00:22

Phil

I completely hear where you are coming from and sympathise.

About 15 years ago, I was in the complete grip of Health Anxiety and paralysed myself virtually with fear over multiple health anxieties. I was so fearful of major trauma or illness that it was all I thought about and checked myself for signs and symptoms all the time. I was in a right mess.

However, with some great counselling and a 6 month course of antidepressants (Seroxat), I was able to deal with these fears and anxieties and face the world again!

Trust me that although you may feel now that strategies being suggested by the counselling is not working, I would keep at it and try the affirmation technique. If you really do want to start feeling better, surely it is worthwhile trying things that you say you don't believe in because the thing is Phil - you just never know!

Years ago I would have laughed in your face if you had told me that Reiki would have made me less anxious and help me to relaxe - rubbish I would have said - but whilst lying on a hospital bed after being admitted on a daily basis with high blood pressure whilst 38 weeks pregnant (dreadful fear of hospitals too Phil!) I accepted a nurse's offer to try Reiki. I surrenderd myself to it completely because I was so desperate to get out of the hospital and the only way I would do that was if my BP fell - guess what it bloody well worked - I was truly amazed and this was a huge turning point for me because it made me re-evaluate all the other strategies I had been taught via CBT sessions that I had poo-pooed and I started trying them and, guess what, within a short space of time the improvement to my life was amazing - the fear was subsiding, the real me was beginning to resurface and anxiety was beginning to lose its grip on me.

So all these years down the line and having had a major relapse (come on 15 years free is not bad eh?) I will confess that I felt a lost soul (majorly disappointed that it had hit me again) and struggled to use anything at all that I had been taught all those years ago. Having had a lousy year with it all, something (don't know what) just pinged back into place after having sat sobbing in the doc's surgery that I knew I was dying and that I just could not go on like this and she told me that I was ruining my life with my HA obsession (yep, that's how she described it) and that I needed antidepressants to give me a rest from it all and some counselling. Prescribed Citalopram - read the leaflet - decided No Thanks and left the tablets in the drawer at the side of the bed and tried so hard to sort myself out.

In time Phil, if you are determined, it does happen honestly it does and yes, we can relapse but once you have beaten it once, you can do it again.

Sorry my post is so rambling but I was trying to give you a flavour of where I have been and where I am now to show that you can get there in the end but you do need to try heart and soul the suggestions being made by the "experts" in order to get to a happier place.

Good luck :D

Jan

nomorepanic

13-02-11, 00:27

phil06

13-02-11, 00:29

I think giving up work - or making it so they let you go - was the worst thing you could have done.

It gave you stability and a purpose.

You have to decide what to do now and then JFDI it lol.

Posting on here all the time is not helping you to be honest

Why not join the No panic telephone recovery course?

Hi I never gave up I was late too often due to distance and off ill over Christmas so they said I'd have been sacked if I never left. They had cut my hours back to 8 so I had to see the job centre anyway. I'm not worried so much now about the job as I have had about 15 jobs and I'm 22..another will come along I'm not one for settling not on minimum wage jobs. I've yet to find a career.

What's the No panic telephone recovery course?

jothenurse

13-02-11, 00:45

I had the panic disorder 30 years ago, and was on Serax back then (a benzodiazepine). It took quite awhile, but I did work through the panic and discontinued the medicine. Since then I received two degrees from college and became a director of nursing. Last year, I started to have the panic again. Started with tachycardia, which ended me up in the ER a few times. They said it was panic and my heart was fine. Prior to this, I had my boyfriend move out (he had lived with me for 4 years with no financial support from him) and my Mom's health deteriorated. My mom passed away last August. My father passed awayin 2001. I have a very stressful job and my counselor said it was an accumulation of stress. I had to take a couple of months off work, but went back in June of last year. I struggle with work every day. The morning is the worse, making myself get there, but work does help with your self esteem, and it's better than sitting at home focusing in on my anxiety and health anxiety. I know it is hard, I sometimes get very scared that I will never feel free from this intense anxiety. And I do get the feelings of unreality which is very uncomfortable/scary. You will get better, but it takes hard work and working through your panic and time. This time I had taken Ativan, at a low dose. I have tapered off of that and haven't had any the last couple of weeks, but I can take it if necessary. Keep trying to work on your fear.

nomorepanic

13-02-11, 00:49

Look at www.nopanic.org.uk (http://www.nopanic.org.uk)

nomorepanic

13-02-11, 00:50

So what money are you living off now then if you don't have a job?

phil06

13-02-11, 00:55

So what money are you living off now then if you don't have a job?

I will have to get job seekers until I find a new job.

nomorepanic

13-02-11, 00:57

yeah I am on that £65 a week lol

nomorepanic

13-02-11, 00:57

Can you get it if you left your job though?

phil06

13-02-11, 01:01

Can you get it if you left your job though?

Not sure but I hope not to be out of work too long anyway.

nomorepanic

13-02-11, 01:03

well make sure you keep the next job ok?

KK77

13-02-11, 01:34

I could very easily claim incapacity/disability allowance - or whatever it's called these days. With a combination of fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, recurrent depression and GAD my doctors don't understand how I've managed to work all these years and every time I have a flare up or blip my GP offers me a sick note which I always refuse.

I manage cos as Nic says I JFDI. Wallowing in pity will get you nowhere.

Abby1

13-02-11, 07:49

JaneC

13-02-11, 12:15

I accept that some people feel they are not able to work but like Mel I have always done it (except when my CFS has been too severe). As I see it, there are several potential problems with not working when you suffer from anxiety and/or depression.

1. Working means you have to go out. If you able to avoid going out on a regular basis, it's going to be a huge issue when you have to.

2. Not working gives you lots more time to sit about focusing on how you feel physically and mentally.

3. If you ever get to the stage when you want to/have to work after being off a while, chances are it's going to be very hard.

If you think you can be picky about what work you do, Phil, that's up to you, but being at home is probably no going to do you any good at all. I agree with Dahlia that ADs might actually be helpful in your circumstances. However, if you are resistant to taking them or start taking them while thinking they are not going to work, their effects could be diminished.As has been pointed out to you many times, so much of this is about getting your own attitudes and thoughts into a more beneficial place.

KK77

13-02-11, 12:16

Hi,i think thats a bit harsh as good on you for going to your job but for some others who have various mental health issues it is too much for them. I have been signed off work since the end of november and i am trying to go back into work but it is extermely difficult.

Yes, Abby, I've had periods where I literally haven't been able to work and have taken time off but my point is that we need to make the best of what we have. I wasn't saying push yourself till you crack up. There are many people here that have "mental health issues" and work and for me personally I've never hidden behind it to avoid doing x, y or z. I haven't always been successful but I've tried.

With respect, you're new here and I presume haven't read my many posts to Phil - in most of which I've been very empathetic and supportive. I still am but reassurance has its limits.

There must come a point where we take responsibility for our predicament or the same pattern will be continued producing the same results.

Abby1

13-02-11, 12:50

Yes you have made some good points regarding work guys,if you are able to get into work it probably is the best thing in some ways as you are busy etc.
Unfortunalty some people cant get into work as they are too ill and shouldnt be sigmatised for it.
I myself am desparatly trying to get back into work (going in for visits)and am frustrated my constant bad anxiety=insomnia is effecting me in such a way to stop me.
I have also found that i struggle to understand things now when before i could get stuff relatively ok,not sure if this is due to the tablets or anxiety?