Desperate & can't cope with much more

[tinycritter]

Hi all.

I haven't been on for a while, seems I only come here when I'm struggling to cope and I know that's bad, so I apologise ... but I am in such a state and I really just need to get things off my chest and also maybe a bit of advice? So I apologise if this post goes on a bit.

My HA is now so severe that I can't sleep (I've always been an insomniac but now when I do sleep I have terrible nightmares that leave me scared all day). I am having panic attacks every day and I am now constantly sore from repeated daily checking and prodding all over my body (due to obsessional fear of cancer). In the last three weeks I have convinced myself that I have breast cancer, thyroid cancer, lymphoma, and leukaemia. Oh and this morning it's uterine cancer. I have so many physical symptoms (too many to list) that I know can all be symptoms of stress and anxiety, but knowing that doesn't help me and now I am starting to think that maybe the anxiety and depression I have had over the last 6 years are actually symptoms of some terrible physical disease. It is making me so depressed and I am just so exhausted from being in a constant state of fear and panic.

The problem is that my (very experienced, very pleasant) GP is useless. He does not take me seriously, either because I am only 29 or because he has been doing his job for 30-odd years and doesn't really care anymore, I don't know. He just totally dismisses me if I take my concerns to him, and I don't like to ask to see another doctor because he is the practice owner/senior doc there. A good friend recently moved near me and she is at another local practice, she says she has a female GP (which is what I want) who is really good, so I am thinking of enquiring about joining there, but I am so terrified ... what if I do it, find a good, sympathetic GP who will listen and take me seriously/send me for tests etc and it's all just to find out that it's too late and I have untreatable cancer all through me? I know how dramatic that sounds but seriously, literally every waking minute of my life this is all I think about. I have no life anymore, I can't focus on anything, everything is completely falling apart all because of this hated anxiety that has ruined my best years.

The thing is that if I discount all the physical symptoms (like I said all the symptoms I have can be symptoms of anxiety and stress as well as horrible things), there doesn't seem to be anything wrong. But I still spend hours every day prodding, checking, panicking, worrying, checking again, prodding again, crying, shaking, thinking I am going to die or that I'm just going mad. I just can't cope anymore. I wish I was someone else, I wish I could just have one day when I feel normal. Is it possible to feel physically 'well' with a serious/terminal illness? You hear so many stories of people who go to the doctor with some minor thing, like a cold or a headache, and are told they have six months to live. And even if I try to look on the bright side - what if there's really nothing wrong etc - I know that I will just find something else to panic about. If I'm not panicking about myself, I panic about the people I care about. I can't see any end to it, and I can't stand the thought of being like this for the rest of my life. :( I really don't know what to do.

Sorry for the long ramble, eveyone. I'm just in such a terrible state. Thanks for taking the time to read.

Tiny x

[leeroy]

Hi all.

I haven't been on for a while, seems I only come here when I'm struggling to cope and I know that's bad, so I apologise ... but I am in such a state and I really just need to get things off my chest and also maybe a bit of advice? So I apologise if this post goes on a bit.

My HA is now so severe that I can't sleep (I've always been an insomniac but now when I do sleep I have terrible nightmares that leave me scared all day). I am having panic attacks every day and I am now constantly sore from repeated daily checking and prodding all over my body (due to obsessional fear of cancer). In the last three weeks I have convinced myself that I have breast cancer, thyroid cancer, lymphoma, and leukaemia. Oh and this morning it's uterine cancer. I have so many physical symptoms (too many to list) that I know can all be symptoms of stress and anxiety, but knowing that doesn't help me and now I am starting to think that maybe the anxiety and depression I have had over the last 6 years are actually symptoms of some terrible physical disease. It is making me so depressed and I am just so exhausted from being in a constant state of fear and panic.

The problem is that my (very experienced, very pleasant) GP is useless. He does not take me seriously, either because I am only 29 or because he has been doing his job for 30-odd years and doesn't really care anymore, I don't know. He just totally dismisses me if I take my concerns to him, and I don't like to ask to see another doctor because he is the practice owner/senior doc there. A good friend recently moved near me and she is at another local practice, she says she has a female GP (which is what I want) who is really good, so I am thinking of enquiring about joining there, but I am so terrified ... what if I do it, find a good, sympathetic GP who will listen and take me seriously/send me for tests etc and it's all just to find out that it's too late and I have untreatable cancer all through me? I know how dramatic that sounds but seriously, literally every waking minute of my life this is all I think about. I have no life anymore, I can't focus on anything, everything is completely falling apart all because of this hated anxiety that has ruined my best years.

The thing is that if I discount all the physical symptoms (like I said all the symptoms I have can be symptoms of anxiety and stress as well as horrible things), there doesn't seem to be anything wrong. But I still spend hours every day prodding, checking, panicking, worrying, checking again, prodding again, crying, shaking, thinking I am going to die or that I'm just going mad. I just can't cope anymore. I wish I was someone else, I wish I could just have one day when I feel normal. Is it possible to feel physically 'well' with a serious/terminal illness? You hear so many stories of people who go to the doctor with some minor thing, like a cold or a headache, and are told they have six months to live. And even if I try to look on the bright side - what if there's really nothing wrong etc - I know that I will just find something else to panic about. If I'm not panicking about myself, I panic about the people I care about. I can't see any end to it, and I can't stand the thought of being like this for the rest of my life. :( I really don't know what to do.

Sorry for the long ramble, eveyone. I'm just in such a terrible state. Thanks for taking the time to read.

Tiny x


Hey Tiny

sorry to hear you're in this state, I can fully sympthise with this. Irrational thought or mulling over the concept of an unlikely but possible illness is something very hard to snap out of.

the bit I have highlighted in quoting you is the bit I will try and help you rationalise .... you hear of these stories beause they are somewhat rare and grab peoples attention. This does happen to some people but how many thousands of people go to the GP woth basic illnesses and that is exactly what they are, minor everyday illnesses. The people who suffer these will be in the hundreds of thousands (maybe more) each year, where as the person who went to the the doctor thinking they were under the weather and had a sinister illness will be in a handful of people.

This sensationalism that we see in modern media makes a lot of us scared, but we need to see catastrophe as although being wide spread in terms of documentation, it goes against the norms of the everyday outcome. Just take plane crashes as an example; the media are all over them because in the grand scheme they are rare. Thousands of planes and millions of people fly all the time. Only a handful become victim of this everyday activity.... it's all about perspective :)

We can't / shouldn't worry about what might be as it stops us enjoying the here and now.

What I suggest s you join the other doctors practice which your friend attends, maybe just seek some reassurances from a different doc, I reckon you'll find al to be in order.

all the best hun

[tinycritter]

Hi leeroy,

You're totally right, I know that logically/statistically the majority of people are fine in that situation. And I guess bad news and scare stories sell a lot of papers. I wish my brain would stop believing everything it reads! The plane-crash analogy is a really excellent one, never thought of it that way before. I'll remember that.

Thanks so much for the advice x

[leeroy]

Hi leeroy,

You're totally right, I know that logically/statistically the majority of people are fine in that situation. And I guess bad news and scare stories sell a lot of papers. I wish my brain would stop believing everything it reads! The plane-crash analogy is a really excellent one, never thought of it that way before. I'll remember that.

Thanks so much for the advice x


you're very welcome, just remember all of us here will overcome our probs, and don't be apologetic for not being here when you're having your good moments we all have lives to lead and should make the most of the good times

[scaredstiff695]

i wish i could offer you some advice i really do. but all i can offer is a hug. cos I'm the same only mine is my breathing and throat its wearing me out where I'm sick of feeling like this i cry all the time cos I'm so fed up. x

massive hugs x

[zilzie]

Hi Tiny,

I'm not sure this will help and apologise if mine seems a weird solution, but it worked for me.
I've suffered from GA for years, but have managed to cope with a successful job and life. However, I originally suffered like you, with huge fears of disease particularly cancer. That was from the age of about 11 to 21 years. Each time my parents or gp convinced me I was ok, I'd discover yet another medical fear and panic again. I still don't know why I was like that, nor do I think knowing would have helped really.

Anyway, I was working in an office and had a friend who'd started psychiatric nursing. I started reading thier theory books and found them really interesting, but I didn't develop any fear of those illnessess. Eventually, I decided to train as a psychiatric nurse and part of the training was three months in general nursing. I was loving my career but really worried about the medical experience! HOWEVER, seeing and caring for the illnesses I'd worried about all those years, somehow just stopped it all! I can't explain this, but I never have worried excessivelyabout disease since then. In fact, I later chose to do my general training.
I also had a friend who had the same problem and I suggested she try training. She did and now she's a community registered nurse and doesnt have HA anymore.

I suppose I confronted my fears, but I'm a bit of a coward, so prefer to believe it was a combination of being really busy, but more importantly seeing that those patients with the diseases I'd worried about, rarely suffered or died, most got better!:bighug1:

Good luck Tiny

[macc noodle]

Hey Tiny,

Sorry to hear you feeling low :weep:

HA is a real pain in the butt - I still get a bit obsessed with illnesses from time to time but thankfully cbt helped hugely and gave me some strategies to lessen the problem.

Had a bad week last week but live in the hope that now I have survived I will get a better perspective on it all. Onward and upward.

Hope your week is better.

I would say change your gp if you really want a female doctor. I would also say that if you decide to stay with your current gp you need to focus on making him see that you are genuinely ill and would like to be referred to a counsellor.

Finally, through years of experience of this I would like to say that I know only too well that no matter how many tests and reassurances you will seek, you will only get temporary respite from the HA as it will always come back with a "what if" scenario to drive you witless with worry. It will only get better once you acknowledge that it is the HA itself that is the illness and you address this, the rest will follow - and yes I know, easier said than done but in the end your will get there.

Good luck:D

Jan

[tinycritter]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my lengthy rant, everyone, and for your kind help. Scaredstiff, I'm sorry you're having a horrible time too ... there seem to be so many of us feeling this way, it's just so unfair. I hope things get better for you soon, hon. Zilzie and macc noodle, thanks so much for your advice and experiences - it all helps and I am feeling a bit better today. I even called my potential new surgery to ask about registering, which I think I will go and do tomorrow.

Thanks again all of you :hugs:

Tiny x