tinycritter
13-02-11, 15:05
Hi all.
I haven't been on for a while, seems I only come here when I'm struggling to cope and I know that's bad, so I apologise ... but I am in such a state and I really just need to get things off my chest and also maybe a bit of advice? So I apologise if this post goes on a bit.
My HA is now so severe that I can't sleep (I've always been an insomniac but now when I do sleep I have terrible nightmares that leave me scared all day). I am having panic attacks every day and I am now constantly sore from repeated daily checking and prodding all over my body (due to obsessional fear of cancer). In the last three weeks I have convinced myself that I have breast cancer, thyroid cancer, lymphoma, and leukaemia. Oh and this morning it's uterine cancer. I have so many physical symptoms (too many to list) that I know can all be symptoms of stress and anxiety, but knowing that doesn't help me and now I am starting to think that maybe the anxiety and depression I have had over the last 6 years are actually symptoms of some terrible physical disease. It is making me so depressed and I am just so exhausted from being in a constant state of fear and panic.
The problem is that my (very experienced, very pleasant) GP is useless. He does not take me seriously, either because I am only 29 or because he has been doing his job for 30-odd years and doesn't really care anymore, I don't know. He just totally dismisses me if I take my concerns to him, and I don't like to ask to see another doctor because he is the practice owner/senior doc there. A good friend recently moved near me and she is at another local practice, she says she has a female GP (which is what I want) who is really good, so I am thinking of enquiring about joining there, but I am so terrified ... what if I do it, find a good, sympathetic GP who will listen and take me seriously/send me for tests etc and it's all just to find out that it's too late and I have untreatable cancer all through me? I know how dramatic that sounds but seriously, literally every waking minute of my life this is all I think about. I have no life anymore, I can't focus on anything, everything is completely falling apart all because of this hated anxiety that has ruined my best years.
The thing is that if I discount all the physical symptoms (like I said all the symptoms I have can be symptoms of anxiety and stress as well as horrible things), there doesn't seem to be anything wrong. But I still spend hours every day prodding, checking, panicking, worrying, checking again, prodding again, crying, shaking, thinking I am going to die or that I'm just going mad. I just can't cope anymore. I wish I was someone else, I wish I could just have one day when I feel normal. Is it possible to feel physically 'well' with a serious/terminal illness? You hear so many stories of people who go to the doctor with some minor thing, like a cold or a headache, and are told they have six months to live. And even if I try to look on the bright side - what if there's really nothing wrong etc - I know that I will just find something else to panic about. If I'm not panicking about myself, I panic about the people I care about. I can't see any end to it, and I can't stand the thought of being like this for the rest of my life. :( I really don't know what to do.
Sorry for the long ramble, eveyone. I'm just in such a terrible state. Thanks for taking the time to read.
Tiny x
I haven't been on for a while, seems I only come here when I'm struggling to cope and I know that's bad, so I apologise ... but I am in such a state and I really just need to get things off my chest and also maybe a bit of advice? So I apologise if this post goes on a bit.
My HA is now so severe that I can't sleep (I've always been an insomniac but now when I do sleep I have terrible nightmares that leave me scared all day). I am having panic attacks every day and I am now constantly sore from repeated daily checking and prodding all over my body (due to obsessional fear of cancer). In the last three weeks I have convinced myself that I have breast cancer, thyroid cancer, lymphoma, and leukaemia. Oh and this morning it's uterine cancer. I have so many physical symptoms (too many to list) that I know can all be symptoms of stress and anxiety, but knowing that doesn't help me and now I am starting to think that maybe the anxiety and depression I have had over the last 6 years are actually symptoms of some terrible physical disease. It is making me so depressed and I am just so exhausted from being in a constant state of fear and panic.
The problem is that my (very experienced, very pleasant) GP is useless. He does not take me seriously, either because I am only 29 or because he has been doing his job for 30-odd years and doesn't really care anymore, I don't know. He just totally dismisses me if I take my concerns to him, and I don't like to ask to see another doctor because he is the practice owner/senior doc there. A good friend recently moved near me and she is at another local practice, she says she has a female GP (which is what I want) who is really good, so I am thinking of enquiring about joining there, but I am so terrified ... what if I do it, find a good, sympathetic GP who will listen and take me seriously/send me for tests etc and it's all just to find out that it's too late and I have untreatable cancer all through me? I know how dramatic that sounds but seriously, literally every waking minute of my life this is all I think about. I have no life anymore, I can't focus on anything, everything is completely falling apart all because of this hated anxiety that has ruined my best years.
The thing is that if I discount all the physical symptoms (like I said all the symptoms I have can be symptoms of anxiety and stress as well as horrible things), there doesn't seem to be anything wrong. But I still spend hours every day prodding, checking, panicking, worrying, checking again, prodding again, crying, shaking, thinking I am going to die or that I'm just going mad. I just can't cope anymore. I wish I was someone else, I wish I could just have one day when I feel normal. Is it possible to feel physically 'well' with a serious/terminal illness? You hear so many stories of people who go to the doctor with some minor thing, like a cold or a headache, and are told they have six months to live. And even if I try to look on the bright side - what if there's really nothing wrong etc - I know that I will just find something else to panic about. If I'm not panicking about myself, I panic about the people I care about. I can't see any end to it, and I can't stand the thought of being like this for the rest of my life. :( I really don't know what to do.
Sorry for the long ramble, eveyone. I'm just in such a terrible state. Thanks for taking the time to read.
Tiny x