what should i do!

[Silve]

I was wondering if someone could help me! Everyday i have trouble with depression and have suicidal thoughts . I have had a rough last four years first of all i lost everything i came home one day and my house had burned down! with my dog! I was in shock but i was also only 13 and i am the type of guy who acts like nothing is a big deal and puts it off until it hits me like a ton of bricks. After my house burned down i recovered putting thoughts of what if aside! I put everything i had into baseball pushed so hard and took my game to a level above everyone else! i loved it and it was my escape but was short lived. I threw 90 mph at 15 and lost it all in one day! i started getting sick so sick that i would sleep 20 hours at a time and nothing i did made me feel better i would lose tons of blood every time i went to the bathroom! It is amazing how fast life can be taken! At first they told me they thought i had cancer then lymes disease and a number of things. I was so angry and depressed! after about 11 colonoscopies in 1 year they sent me up to john hopkins because they had found a benign tumor. They went through my small intestines but couldn't help my blood loss and recurring symptoms. By this point i just wanted to give up! i tried homeschooling while i was fighting this pain and lost all of my friends i remember feeling like i had nothing wanting to die and end my misery! My world had collapsed!I forgot to mention i tried to push my body through my symptoms and tore my rotator cuff! Anyways last year i was finally diagnosed with a prolapsed rectum and on top of that my intestines were collapsing. So they went in and cut me up pretty bad stitched everything up and cut out 8inches of my intestines. They thought i was fixed but no my intestinal problems keep recurring and i have had two more intestinal surgeries that they thought would last for years. i now wake up in the morning and see the shadow of the man i used to be and cry scarred from head to toe! i just want to die! i literally have nothing worth fighting for anymore i don't hav my health i don't have many friends and i dont have baseball! All the doctor told me was that this is gonna recur for the rest of my life and exercise will only expedite the process, and also most likely later down the road i will have colorectal cancer great. It is hard to believe i am 18 years old hiding my problems from the world pretending i am okay wen i am dying inside i guess i wrote this to show u why i am the way i am! i feel like i have no purpose and can't wait to die!

[yvonne_uk_98]

Hi Silve,

so sorry to hear your going through all this on your own. thinking of you, I will keep you in my prayers. please dont do anything. you will get the support here, keep posting. let us know how your doing. sending you lots of hugs.
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

love

Yvonne

[Patsta]

Silve, you need to go and see a counselor and sit and talk about all your feelings! There are meds that can help you overcome your depression, and then maybe you will be able to try and sort yourself out! You have obviously had it very tough, more so than someone your age should have had to endure, but that is no reason to think about ending your life at such a young age! There are medical breakthroughs every single day, and maybe, just maybe, something will come up for your condition. In the meantime, try to get some normality in your life...yes..its hard, I can't even begin to imagine, but please, please, please don't think its the end of the world!
Just remember, you have all of us here on this site to talk to, anytime you want!
:):hugs:
Patty

[Silve]

I hav tried that road prozac etc.. etc.. but it only made me feel worse and made me shake constantly! My life feels like i am stuck in free fall everything getting worse! Counselors and i don't mesh it is not who i am! In addition, they make me angry pretending like they know me! I am the guy who puts on a fake smile and fake attitude just to get through the day! It is literally just impossible for me to face the fact of what i have become! Everyday it gets harder and i get pushed just a little bit to far! I know what it is like to be in so much physical pain that you black out from the screaming! I am through with that until my next surgery! it just make me wonder if i died if i went to heaven or hell how much worse could it be! It just seems Ending my life would just make it better!

[Patsta]

Silve, how is dying going to make it better.....do you give up that easily? I don't mean to be harsh on you, but there are hundreds of thousands of people out there who are a lot worse off than you right now! Ok, so you and counselors don't mesh, maybe you just haven't found the right one! What if you found one, that you sort of like, and set them straight from the beginning! Tell them to cut the crap, not pretend like they know you, a good counselor will understand that!
As for prozac, well...that one didn't work for me either...had terrible side effects, of feeling more anxious and agitated...but that is just one med out of a whole array of them. Most anti-depressant/anxiety medication do have some side effects, some worse than others, but they are only for a short period of time. I really think you need to speak to your doctor again, and maybe try a different med. You can also get meds (diazepam, xanax, etc..) to help with the side effects until the meds kick in.
Silve, please consider it.....you are way to young to be feeling like this...you have your whole life ahead of you, and ending it is not a solution...its giving in...i think you are stronger than that!:flowers:

[ljd]

Hi Slive

Please dont give up you can find something else your interested in and just as good at. I can kind of relate to some of how you feeling as a few years ago i was really ill and nearly died. I wanted to give up many times in my life but when i was ill i didnt want to die was strange i was so scared.

You can get through this but you need some help and support and to let someone in tell them how you feel. I know now its hard cos im one to hide how im feeling most of the time, yet i know it does me no favours.

You have been through and still are so much you have so much loss in your life to which you havent dealt with, if only you could talk about it you will then be able to move on with your life. You have so many options open to you and you can do it.

take care of you