Achievement but i don't feel positive.

[jduh]

So i made myself drive the 40minute drive to Cambridge today to hand my library book in. I used one of my behaviour charts from previous CBT to challenge my thinking around this.
I felt anxious and mild panicy periodically throughout the drive. I kept worrying i would have a full blown panic and not be able to drive back home and would then be stuck in Cambridge.
Each time i felt like this i checked my breathing and told myself it was just adrenaline and i was fine which seemed to quiet my thoughts for a little while but then it would start up again and i'd have to go through the same process all over again.
I managed to get to the library and handed in my book then left.
Upon returning home i finished my behaviour chart to document what happened and thought i would be pleased with myself.
However now i just feel really tired and drained and the idea of having to do it again just makes me want to cry. I just want to stay in and not have to go out and face this anymore.
I know thats silly because it takes small steps to get better, i just wish even the small steps weren't so tiring and hard!

[JaneC]

:hugs:. I understand how you feel. I made myself do my first "long" drive (ie outside the town where I live) before Christmas, telling myself I'd feel better once I'd done it. In the end I was hugely anxious and felt very discouraged afterwards. Maybe in a couple of days you will be able to see the positives of what you achieved ( you did do it after all) when you have a little distance from it. Unfortunately trying to keep plugging away at things is really all we can do xx

[jothenurse]

It is hard, isn't it? Sometimes I think having to constantly push yourself every day (like go to work, get groceries) is very draining and is so hard to make yourself do. But, I know in time it should get easier, so just keep thinking that and maybe it will help.

[ann88]

Just wanted to say that I understand how you feel, and I think it's something that everyone dealing with panic attacks/anxiety feels at some point. I went to the petrol station earlier tonight and had to wait in the queue to pay with my debit card. I have this weird thing where I prefer to pay with cash for petrol so that if I need to, I can just run to the front of the queue, throw my cash on the till and run out (although that would be crazy and I would get some funny looks!). But if I pay by card, I obviously can't just leave because then I'd be stealing petrol and they might send the police after me!! So anyway when I got in the petrol station there were 4 people waiting, and you know how it is, you always get stuck behind some dithering idiot who takes half an hour to count out the exact amount in 5p's and 2p's, then wants to do the lottery, and get 10 scratchcards, and pay all their household bills, and get some credit on their phone, and all the time I'm stood there with my heart going a million miles an hour thinking oh my god I'm trapped in here!!

After a minute or so, I started to think a bit more logically, ok, this is the worst that can happen, so what if I have a panic attack? It's not going to do me any harm. It's just uncomfortable, that's all. It's not that bad after all. And I did start to calm down. When that happens, it's quite exhilerating, and when I do manage to go through a panic attack and not just run away straight away (usually because I can't), I feel much better afterwards. But then within an hour or so, all the good feelings have gone and I'm back to thinking oh no I hope that doesn't happen again, what if next time i can't control it and it gets worse and worse until i collapse/have a heart attack/die?!

Sorry for the long winded post, just wanted you to know you're not on your own. but the main thing is, don't let yourself be discouraged. just keep trying to do a little bit each day, and we will get through this and live a happy 'normal' life one day. :)