My story.

[devin42]

Hi, I'm sixteen, reasonably healthy and attractive, lead singer in a decent band, head boy of my school, popular (mostly) and I'm getting As to A*s at GCSE.

Then there's the flipside of me. I'm very creative and I'm also prone to concentrating on one thing quite a lot at the peril of everything else. So, when I started getting panic attacks about a year and a half ago (about not being able to use the toilet while in a long journey in a stranger's car) I was distraught.

This fear soon passed onto other things. I had panic while eating, meaning I had little appetite and threw up. My worry was near constant, and as such I worried about what was happening to myself. At school and with my friends I was my old self - as they knew nothing about it, I felt like that was possible.
The only people that know about it are my parents and my GP, and they know only vaguely about what it is, and I don't think they understand the sheer inconsolable terror I can experience.

I soon realised that my old fear was just a manifestation of fear itself, and that that was my only true tormentor. As a result I beat it down to size, not by defeating it or facing it (I found I could never win this way) but by ignoring it, telling myself that these feelings were silly or unjustified.

I was fine, with minor lapses, for 8 months, but now it's back with a vengeance. I have the notion in my head that this will last forever and wreck a lot of my life. My biggest fear is that it will become uncontrollable and I'll contemplate suicide. Every time that thought comes up my mind screams 'NO NO NO! I WANT TO LIVE!' which makes me panic which makes me anxious which makes me miserable which makes the thought return. Talk about vicious circle.

Cheery stuff eh?

Any tips, advice or help? I may well have read it before but I think something tailored to my situation might be good.

Thanks for listening.

[diane07]

Hi devin42

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[feelingbad]

Hi Devin42

Believe me it won't last forever. You managed to keep your anxiety under control for 8 months before and you will again. At the moment you are having a bit of a relapse but you will be able to get it under control again.

I started having panic attacks when I was at school and didn't think I would ever get better or be 'normal' again. Over the years the anxiety and bad times come and go, but there are long periods where life is good and shorter periods where things become difficult. I too try to keep my problems to myself as much as possible - and sometimes when at work and with my colleagues around me I do feel better as I have to concentrate on being a normal person and keep my mind as occupied as possible with work.

Everything you are experiencing is just anxiety and a fear of fear - nothing bad can or will happen to you. You're not alone. I have been an anxious person for 30 years now and there have been times when I have honestly felt like I would never get better and spent long periods of time panicking that I would be stuck in the grip of fear forever.

I started a diary when in my early 20's and I often read back through the periods when I felt I was going mad and couldn't go on any longer and every page reads exactly the same - same symptoms, same fears, same worries about being stuck feeling anxious forever - but I know that for every time I've had a set back I have turned the corner again, and you will too.

[devin42]

Thanks for your reply. Although I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's good to know people feel the same way. Just have to concentrate on getting to that better place again - I've forgotten quite how I managed it last time...