Need2Live
20-02-11, 02:48
So tonight my biggest fear is a blood clot in my foot. I have a soft mass or puffiness (not sure how to explain it) near my ankle. I had surgery on this foot when I was an infant due to an infection and it's right near my car and it's rather large. It doesn't hurt. I read about ganglion cyst so maybe that's it but still scary. I'm thinking about going to the doc next week to get it looked at but I don't have health insurance and may be getting a job soon that has GREAT health insurance so I'm wondering if I should wait? But I'm scared to wait in case it is something serious and all I can think about is what if something happens while I'm sleeping or something? It doesn't hurt or anything. I just know it doesn't belong there because my other foot doesn't have it.
I started walking this past week and eating better to take a step in losing weight and getting healthy. I figured that it is the best I can do to help my anxiety and reduce my chances of serious health risks.
This anxiety has only started within the last few months. Perhaps it was set off by not having a job, having too much time on my hands and becoming more sedentary then ever and also because possibly of recent health issues I was dealing with. But 3 or 4 months ago and before, these fears never, ever entered my mind... I had zero worries except about head aches that I suffer from now and then... But now, my worry is constant.
Usually if I am occupied by someone or something, it's not that bad but even that is slowly beginning to change. I don't want to live this life with these fears especially because I never felt this way in the past so why now? I feel like I'm losing all control. My boyfriend doesn't know that I am going through this as I try to keep this to myself and it's so hard to stop myself from breaking down and freaking out. I've told a couple of people jokingly about my fears that I go through but I laughed it off. They don't know how serious it is for me. I don't want to waste my life in constant fear. I was always someone who could never understand why some people turned to drugs or alcohol. I would NEVER do that because I've seen the affects of it both physically and emotionally on lives but I can see how this anxiety and fear could paralize someone so much that they literally wanted to make their body and mind numb.
It's very scary. I think sometimes, WOW you really are crazy and I know my thinking lately about my health and body have been over the top and maybe irrational but then I question, what if something REALLY is wrong and I miss it?
Prayers please!
Edit:
Also, what does this mean for my relationship(s) in my life? How will this affect them if I don't stop. I know how it is to be with someone with constant fears and it was a reason why I couldn't stay with him because it was so overwhelming and depressing. I didn't know what he was going through but now I do. It makes me sick to think my life may be like that of constant fear. :-/
I started walking this past week and eating better to take a step in losing weight and getting healthy. I figured that it is the best I can do to help my anxiety and reduce my chances of serious health risks.
This anxiety has only started within the last few months. Perhaps it was set off by not having a job, having too much time on my hands and becoming more sedentary then ever and also because possibly of recent health issues I was dealing with. But 3 or 4 months ago and before, these fears never, ever entered my mind... I had zero worries except about head aches that I suffer from now and then... But now, my worry is constant.
Usually if I am occupied by someone or something, it's not that bad but even that is slowly beginning to change. I don't want to live this life with these fears especially because I never felt this way in the past so why now? I feel like I'm losing all control. My boyfriend doesn't know that I am going through this as I try to keep this to myself and it's so hard to stop myself from breaking down and freaking out. I've told a couple of people jokingly about my fears that I go through but I laughed it off. They don't know how serious it is for me. I don't want to waste my life in constant fear. I was always someone who could never understand why some people turned to drugs or alcohol. I would NEVER do that because I've seen the affects of it both physically and emotionally on lives but I can see how this anxiety and fear could paralize someone so much that they literally wanted to make their body and mind numb.
It's very scary. I think sometimes, WOW you really are crazy and I know my thinking lately about my health and body have been over the top and maybe irrational but then I question, what if something REALLY is wrong and I miss it?
Prayers please!
Edit:
Also, what does this mean for my relationship(s) in my life? How will this affect them if I don't stop. I know how it is to be with someone with constant fears and it was a reason why I couldn't stay with him because it was so overwhelming and depressing. I didn't know what he was going through but now I do. It makes me sick to think my life may be like that of constant fear. :-/