Just trying to keep afloat

[hallam11]

Hello,

Well I am feeling very bad at the minute because I got myself into a mess with someone at work. I met someone, he had a girlfriend but he told me (and others did too) that they were on the rocks and they would probably split up for good in 6 months when they're lease was up on their house. Now usually I would have still run a mile but I dunno I was very taken with him and just wanted someone so we slept together twice. Anyway I started to realise that something was up because he didn't text me back and made excuses.

Anyway on Thursday his girlfriend found out, she found condoms upstairs and apparently they don't use them because they are trying for a baby??????!!(I know on the rocks huh?) So she looked through his phone and found messages. A friend of mine at work guessed a few days before, she knows both him and his girlfriend but knows what he is like and promised she wouldn't say anything.
Anyway on Thursday she told me his girlfriend had text her asking her to go round because she knows something was going on, anyway to cut a long story short she knows and now he is blaming me for her finding out because our mutual friend found out and i didn't deny it to her. He sent me messages on Friday saying its best we don't talk anymore, that its my fault she found out, because of me and my feelings I have ruined his life, that i am too unstable for a fling or relationship, that I will drive any man away, i am too honest and so on. Anyway needless to say that having given my virginity to this guy and everything I am pretty messed up about it! I am feeling very sad and upset and just feel sick all day long. I have been stupidly upset and just can't seem to get over it all. I know its only been a few days but I just feel awful.

The worst thing is I feel like I should feel bad and that I deserve all of this and that i really am unstable and messed up in the head like he says.

What do I do?

Laura x

[HarrogateChris]

The worst thing is I feel like I should feel bad and that I deserve all of this and that i really am unstable and messed up in the head like he says.

I've not been in the same situation but I have certainly experienced similar feelings. First don't listen to him, you are a wonderful person and you shared something special with him. It's not your fault that he misrepresented the situation to you. He doesn't want to face up to the consequences of his actions and so is blaming them on you. It's not your fault. Please don't beat yourself with the stick that says you're worthless. I'm pretty expert with that stick myself and it flippin' hurts.

Part of the reason you will be feeling so bad about this is the same reason I feel so bad about the problems I have had with a friend. The situation triggers deeper emotions within you and they get hung on the contemporary situation. Do your best to try and figure out where these deeper feelings come from and then try reassuring yourself about those things. For example if you find his actions are causing you to say 'no-one will ever love me' and that's the deeper feeling, try saying to yourself internally what a fabulous person you are and how deserving of love.

Take care of yourself Laura, you sound like a lovely normal wonderful person to me :hugs:

Chris

[JaneC]

Laura :hugs:. I know this is going to be tough to get over but please try to remember this: the man is a liar and therefore you should not believe a word he says about anything, including his opinions of you, which seem to have emerged only since he got caught out! He has let down both his girlfriend and you, he sounds like a scumbag and his views don't count for sh!t.

Be kind to yourself, don't blame yourself and learn from what has happened. It's nasty, of course, for someone to betray the trust you have put in him but don't less him mess with your head further. It will take more than a few days but you will get over this xxx

[JT69]

Hi Laura,

This man is no good hun, he lured you into a situation and is now trying to put the blame on you....no no no...dont feel bad hun, its not your fault. He took advantage of a very kind caring person and has left you feeling awful!!

I know it will hurt and you cared for him but he really is not worth it. You have come such a long way Laura please dont let him drag you down.

We all do things we later regret, its part of life and we learn by what we do.

Stay strong Laura dont let the nasty things said get to you as they are not at all a true reflection on who you are!!

Take care of you.
Jo.xx

[hallam11]

Hello,

Thank you each for your kind words....I am finding it very difficult to function, I realise this is supposed to be how you feel when this type of thing happens but I feel so betrayed and upset im finding it hard to function....
I can't stop thinking about him, he works for UK bungee and he has videos on youtube and I just spent the last hour watching him....I just have fallen so hard for him and now he hates me I feel more for him!
My insecurities of not finding a man have just become even more so now that he has said so..... but I also feel very responsible for his girlfriend.... I knew he had a girlfriend and the fact that he told me to be careful with text messages and not to tell anyone at work so she didn't find out should have told me he was lying to me but I ignored it because I wanted him. I hope one day she can forgive me and that he doesn't hate me for long.

Laura x

[allergyphobia]

You really don't deserve the blame for this. Yes you knew he had a girlfriend but he also told you it was basically over and they were only staying together as a matter of convenience... so he fooled you right from the start.

As well as falling hard for him, you lost your virginity to him which makes it even more of an attachment for you at this time...

Please, please do not let his words affect you. Laura you are a wonderful person, he is taking out his own guilt on you and making you feel as though it is all your fault as he knows he is to blame. This is a natural reaction for him - like Jane says, he wasn't saying all these horrible things to you before was he!!

Be kind to yourself now. Cut him off completely. If it makes you feel better, send a note to the girlfriend. Tell your side of the story. Why not? You are not to blame. She deserves to know he is a scumbag too. Please try to stop watching him on youtube etc. Do not let him become an obsession...because without sounding horrible, he isn't taking into account YOUR feelings right now.

Now turn to every tool a girl has... bubble baths...chocolate, icecream, bridget jones! the gym to make yourself look fabulous, girlie dvds, a new hairdo...all the feel good stuff.

You don't deserve this Laura but please try to use it as fuel to make you stronger. In the mean time we are all here for you :hugs:

Lots of love
Amber xx