21 year old dad, needs advise please!

[tomo777]

hi to you all im a newby i have only just found this website. first of all i am 21 and have a girlfriend and a newborn son, and have sufferd from anxiety quite badly since i was 14 and had to leave school because of it to be honest i think they may have started because of my parents splitting up and i was quite a heavy cannibis smoker. I tried counciling and really didnt feel comfortable with it and dont think it was for me. My doctor advised me to try exercising ect and it did help but for a very short period of time. I used to be a really sociable person and was a class clown at school if u like lol. basically i want my son to be able to have a normal life without me stopping him doing things going places ect because of my anxiety and now is the time for me to do what i can for both of our sakes i cant live like this forever. i feel like im different to all my friends there allways asking me to come out and i refuse because of my anxiety. i love to go fishing tho so that is the only time i really socialise i feel far more comfortable outdoors. ans alcohol is becoming a problem as i use it as a cover up as it helps me feel normal. ther's loads more i could say but i would be here for ever. thanks for looking in advance. tom

[smb25]

Hello tomo and welcome to nmp. Congratulations on the birth of your son!

Firstly don't worry (easier said I know) too much. You have had a fair bit going on and your still very young yourself. I advise you to go and have a chat with your doctor. CBT is a very good therapy for most and he will be able to refer you. You can also discuss whether you may need any medication but that is for you and the doc to decide. You have already started on the road to recovery but looking on the internet for help and finding this website.

Try not to stress yourself out about it as that will make you want to drink more or go back to smoking the dreaded cannibis which is not good for you, your girlfriend or your baby. Also cannibis will make more paranoid and everything will spiral out of control. You dont want to subsitute the cannibis with alcohol either.

You will be doing the right thing and im sure your doctor will be supportive x

[tomo777]

thank you smb25 for replying i havent been to my doctor for over a year now but i agree i shoud make a appointment with him. i feel awkward even speekin to my doctor about my problems. i havent heard of cbt until i joined the site so will look in to it. thanks for your time x

[mhicks83]

hey mate im 27 with a young baby and a partner, i suffer anxiety as well and like you when i was younger i dabbled in drugs which has helped contribute to my problrems. i agree that you need to see the doctor. i spent 5 years struggling and looking for any other options before i chose medication because i was embarrassed and didnt want to admit i needed help. the best way to look at anxiety is that its a physical condition and definately nothing to do with stereotypical words such as "nuts" and "mad", its just to do with the way certain chemicals flow through your brain. if you can reassure yourself that its just physical youre half way there and getting support from medication is certainly one of the many ways to improve your situation. but at the end of the day you should also look at other options just to find other things that may ease you. just remember your not alone and i know exactly what your going through

[cooley2274]

hi mihck,
i would be intersted to know how you think taking drugs when you were younger has affected you now?ihave had issues recently with stress and anxietyand used to take drugs when i was 14-23

thanx paul

[Meewah]

hi mihck,
i would be intersted to know how you think taking drugs when you were younger has affected you now?ihave had issues recently with stress and anxietyand used to take drugs when i was 14-23

thanx paul

I think the correlation with drug taking and anxiety will be hard to prove. I took drugs as a teen also. I feel I took them as part of the trying to discover ways of removing how anxious I felt. Only now do I know they gave me short lived respite from symptoms. Now I don't not even drink Alcohol and I feel I don't want to use alcohol or drugs as a crutch to help me through. I wont even take prescription drugs until I have this under control.

In my eyes it came from the mind and its going back that way!

The thing to remember is that anxiety as you have found is part of your make up now. It is your friend and will protect you but if you fight it and try to make it go away it will also be your worse enemy.

I accept my anxiety, I understand that sometimes when I don't want to be anxious I will sub consciously fight it and that is when I get the anxiety symptoms, the things that make you feel something is wrong, you are ill.

With time you will learn not to fight the anxiety and you will realise that when you do it will throw physical symptoms at you in return. Work with it not against it and you will enjoy life again.

Anxiety will be your friend and will protect you from real illness just don't let it stop you reaching your full potential, whatever that might be.

Tommo - You will find as life throws various things at you such as the stress of being a father in a world where you have to be perfect:D. Illness and the caring you have will cause your stress thermometer to increase. I feel it would be wise to learn coping strategies now so you are prepared for any future stress, which is inevitable in most cases.

I am a father of three and writing this at 4am in the morning is testament to the stress us parents are going through. I find my best coping skill is to learn what seems like a very basic skill, how to properly relax, Fishing,hobbies,meditation or just time out, whatever rows your boat.

Learn what works best for you and learn to feel when it is all getting too much,learn to read your stress thermometer so you know when to get some YOU time. Best of all share all this with your partner as she will be having similar concerns. Don't bottle it up, life is for sharing and just because your a male does not mean you should battle through. All that said keep it balanced, if you keep talking about your problems with your partner it is only time before she finds the extra burden of her man collapsing under pressure too much to endure so ensure you concern yourself with her needs and wants.

Me and the wife have special times when we just talk about life, it is very balanced and we both get space to air our worries, learn to share her problems with yours and see if both of you can come to a compromise.

Your in this together learn to share each others problems.
Lifes a great journey but as my parents said life hasn't begun until you have had kids yourself!!!

Its great and rewarding and the self development is invaluable.

Take Care

Mee

[Thyme]

Hi

The best advice I can give to any parent is:

Love your child, they didn't ask to be born.

Never lie to your child, they will find out and then wonder what else you lied about. (Father Christmas isn't a lie it's part of the magic!)

Love your child

Never make promises you don't truly intend to keep.

Love your child

Be honest if you do have to break a promise, tell the truth.

Love your child.

And finally cannabis and alcohol will not help you or your family.

That said enjoy being a dad

Take care Thyme

[JaneC]

Hi Tomo, being a new parent has its tough sides in my experience, for dads as well as mums in terms of things like anxiety and depression. Some good advice from Meewah and if you feel you need help from your doc, please try to ask for it. You sound like you'll be a great dad and I hope you feel better x

[tomo777]

mee- thank you for the advice will try talking to my partner more about our problems and life in general....

thyme- thanks also i love my son dearly and nothing will change that but im more concerned with how im feeling, rather than how to be a good parent but thanks was nice....

[tomo777]

janeC - thank you very much, well i say hes a newborn but hes acctually 10 months old now so hes not at all is he, sorry for that... i think a trip to see the doc is in order to be honest, and i do try to do everything i can for him, hes my world he is the reason why i want to get better and will do anything to feel better. take care!!! x

[JaneC]

That's really sweet Tomo, i'm sure things will work out well for you and your family. Keep posting and let us know how you are xx

[tomo777]

mhicks83-nice 1 buddy thanks, nice to no its not just me that feels like this.. your reply was spot on thanks again :)

[Scrubmuncher]

Drink will most certainly be effecting your ability to think straight, and although after the 2 day hangover has worn off your mind is still working overtime to repair itself, you think you are fine and over it so time to have another drink, but really you need more time to recover and so your brain is just being beaten up and getting weaker and weaker and less able to cope. If you could do away with the drink then you might find your problems will reduce massively, smoking dope obviously effects your paranoid state.
over 23years I have never had any joy with the doctor, if anything he made me worse by prescribing drugs to something he didn't understand. Even being refered doesn't help, it is impossible to speak to anyone who hasn't been there sincerly, yes have a chat, but to me that is just dwelling on things you need to clear from your mind.
Panic, Anxiety in my experience all forms have one thing in common, we think to much, in the moment or dwelling long term, in effect we create our own reality which is false as 99% of the time we are worried about something, it doesn't even exist.
Over active imaginations some may say, releasing adrenaline for no reason, most people do this when they are cornered or feel a sudden change in the moment, for some reason the need to release this adrenaline into our system overpowers real thoughts and feeling, our body is addicted to self medicating adrenaline of its own timing.
Is the fact that drugs were used for so many years and now it is catching up with people a problem? no, it is not worth thinking about the past and why, living in the moment and dealing with each day is the only way we can deal with this without going mad. Get through the day, think about tomorrow, and forget about issues with the past, whys and why nots, thinking to much put us here in the first place.
My best dealing trick is literally putting myself in someone elses shoes. I think of someone I know who is confident, can deal with anything, and for that moment of panic or anxiety I try to be them, how would they go about the situation, borrow the personality, I've even used my dad for this, how would he do this and become him for that second.
In your instance with regards to your son (baring in mind this is just my opinion), I would say you need to look at yourself as the third person in your relationship with your son. Look at yourself from another you point of perspective. How does this second you feel he would think if he was seeing how you are with your son, how would you impress the second you by being a great dad, doing the dad things that are normal. No one matters more than your boy, all dads know this, when you have your son out nothing else matters, no one else matters, just be sure the second you feels you are being a great dad, doing normal dad things, confident in the thought that is exactly what you are, a dad, just like all those other dads you are worried you can not be like, you are entirely equal to all of the good ones.
Good luck bud!!