Lost within this Fear

[wendy]

Hi All

I have posted here several times following the worse week of my life with anxiety and PA's and thank everyone for advice and support

I have tried Relaxation tapes, Herbal remedies, Books the lot but cant seem to get on the path to recovery, I was ready to give up but am going to try and fight this and would appreciate any tips to start changing my thought process - am sure the constant fear of attack / Death / Illness / insanity is making me worse, I cant get to see a counseller for several weeks and need to address this now

I found my dad dead from Suicide when I was 15 on a Friday and was made to go back to school and carry on from the monday and didnt mention his name for 10 years, Looking at my Diary (that was a good tip suggested on here) I think that this is triggering my Death Anxiety as I am constantly thinking that I dont want my son to be left like I was - I am now 32 years old, Do you think that events this far in the past can have an effect Seventeen years on? And how do I address it?

I am becoming so bad that leaving the house or going to the shops is getting near impossible and I want so much to get over this, my partner of 12 years has decided the can no longer live wih this - Dont blame him as I cant live with it myself, I cant even cry at his decision as I am so sure that I will die anyway, nothing in fun anymore, these awful death thoughts are taking over me, I can not face work, am now alone, have lost friends, have money problems, I still have a little bit of fight left inside and want to use it so if anyone can help me the right direction I would be so grateful,

Thank u

Wendy xx

[clarissa]

Hello Wendy,
You have really had a tough time, and now you are trying so hard to come out but you are finding it a hard journey, and it will be, but trust and you will survive. No one can go from nursery school to University in one jump.
Set your self tasks to do for short periods of time, like looking at your diary, and then write about how it made you feel, your thoughts, and what action you would like to take to help yourself. Then leave it for a while, may be going for a walk on your own even round the garden, or do something with your son, pull a few weeds up, iron, punch a pillow - anything that is physical again only for a short time, then write down again how you now feel.
Try to do this task at least twice a day for a few days and then increase it so you feel you are able to rationalise to your self that you are helping yourself, you are not going to die, life will again become fun, and remember you do not want your son to be affected, so talk to him, share with him and laugh with him and at him and yourself. I so remember feeling very low and very near the end when I went out in the rain and jumped in puddles with no shoes on and got mud all up my trouser legs, and my daughter said "If you were not so big - I would pull your pants down and smack your bottom, as I have already done the washing today"

there's a place that I dream of when I sleep, so peaceful, so quite, I call it mother earth.

[arethaire]

Hi Wendy, I am having the same thoughts etc as you at the moment. My father dropped dead at my sister's wedding reception & that was nearly 23 yrs ago. I did not have any councelling & like you just got on with life, I was 24 at the time with a 4 yr old son.

So in answer to your question .... Yes, it can have an effect Seventeen years on.

I can't offer you any solutions, but if you want to chat anytime don't hesitate to contact me.

Cath x

[May Day]

Hi Wendy

You've had one of the worst experiences of your life as a child and just been expected to carry on as if nothing happened ... suicide is one form of death that people find really hard to cope with as it used to be seen as a disgrace ... maybe thats why you were made to carry on as if nothing happened ... it obviously wasn't a good thing to be made to do and yes you can suffer years later from things that happen in your childhood ... it sounds like some councelling would do you good as it would release the feelings you have not only about your dads death but also about why it was kept 'hidden'

You also mention about 'fighting' this thing ... i was recommended to read a book by a member on here ... its called Self Help For Your Nerves by Claire Weekes ... i've just finished the book ... it's very easy reading and it only took me a a couple of evenings to read it all ... in fact i wish the book was bigger as i came to the end all too soon ... i found it very helpful and have already started my road to recovery from reading it ... The author suggests you don't fight but she teaches you how to accept and work through your feelings and fears ... give it a try until you can get to see your councellor

Take care

May

Reading for sufferers of Panic Attacks, Anxiety, Phobias and OCD. (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/NMPcms.php?nmppage=reading)

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

[clickaway]

Wendy:

I think May is right - its important that you have to accept that these things happen and have an effect on us. I know how much pain we suffer in the here and now because of what happened in our childhoods.

I was advised that psychotherapy was the route forward for me and have stuck with that for the past 17 months - it can be a prolonged process but apparently thorough. Also expensive and difficult to get through the NHS. But even so, its worth pursuing regardless.

Don't know much about NLP, but I find Nigel usually talks a lot of sense...

Take Care,


Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers