Screwed up

[agoraphobic lady]

hey everyone.. how are ye? I will keep this brief ... I am a 25 year old woman and I have suffered severe low self esteem, depression and crippling agoraphobia for as long as I can remember.. its been almost 3 years since the agoraaphobia really and truly destroyed me. I have been out only a few times in 3 years ... and seen little daylight and only had social interaction with my boyfriend who suffers as my unwilling carer ... i've seen my family briefly in these 3 years about 3 times and my boyfriend is the only other human I have interaction with to keep whats left of my damaged sanity.


How am I feeling ..... distraught, alone, desperate, disturbed, devastated for what I could have been... instead I am a prisoner in my own mind and life. Dependant like a baby and have wasted my entire life...:weep:

[diane07]

Hi agoraphobic lady

A huge warm welcome to nmp.

You'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way.

Best wishes

[paula lynne]

Hi welcome to the forum x
Im an agrophobic, which stemed from panic attacks over 10 years ago. All I can say is this forum has given me a right kick up the bum and the support has been a lifesaver. After losing my nursing career, and nearly my marriage, these past months here have helped me...go to the shop, supermarket, spa weekend, camping..etc...still get my days, but we are all here for you, every dizzy terrifying step of the way. Youre not alone x:welcome:

[agoraphobic lady]

Thanks for your kind msgs ... I wish that this site can help me but, the pessimist in me is saying this will prob be another thing I start and then become depressed and end up abandoning it but, I hope it isn't .. xx

[paula lynne]

There are loads of tips on here. A good place to start is the column on the left. Also, you can use the "search" facility, just type in agrophobia...you may be reading for a while! Well, Im an optimist (most of the time!), so I will try to help you as best I can if you want me to. x

[agoraphobic lady]

Thanks Paula Lynne I read loads earlier ... especially all the Agoraphobia .. in theory it sounds good but, if I try to do those things to help myself like facing my fear it almst kills me ... sometimes I dont know how my little heart keeps beating with the amount of stress I put on it! I don't know Lynne... I don't know why I was born like this .. I can always remember being like this ... my earliest memories I remember being afraid and anxious .. heart racing and sweating etc... I have dropped out of civilisation and I am so ashamed of how my life is that ... I really am at a loss to understand what is so wrong with me! I have isolated myself from everything and everyone... I feel like a baby ... I wouldnt wish this on anyone! It's like a never ending nightmare that I can't wake up from...

[paula lynne]

I understand your pain. x
There are lots of agrophobics here, who have recovered, or are on the way to recovery. This shows thats its possible to get better, at least to a manageable level anyway.
I wonder if councelling on the telephone is a good place to start for you? Or maybe someone could visit you in your home? I had a fella from the Mental health team visit me a few years back, and it really helped.

I remember when I first joined here. Id post something like...oh no, hubby at work, and I need to go out...panic......." and there were people there offering advice, and I said I cant Im dizzy and hot and feel sick and my palpatations are bad etc etc etc....and they were still there, and they were there every agonising step of the way. And I posted as soon as I came back saying how horrible I felt, I was going to die etc...you get the picture. That was the beginning of recovery for me.

Its been an uphill struggle after years of torture. My home was my sanctuary and my prison. I suddenly realised I was 39 and spent all my life sitting in a chair, letting this demon control me. It is possible to control "it" though, the mind is such a powerful thing. You need to address how you think and feel before you can change your behaviour. Here if you need me ok. x

Ps...dont worry about the lynne, Paula is just fine :winks:

[Bravedart]

Welcome, Please don't feel ashamed you have no reason to. I can totally understand your thoughts and fears which keep you at home. This site has provided me with much needed support recently and I'm sure it will for you also. I agree with Paula's idea of the telephone councilling as a starting point. Take Care. :winks:

[agoraphobic lady]

Paula and Bravedart ... thank you so much ... u gave my hurt tired soul a hug and i appreciate it... I have told a doctor and a nurse and I could tell through my teary eyes that they were judging me like I was a crazy nutcase.. I cant believe that I left it get so out of control.. I dont even want to tell anyone else about this in person as I can feel their judgemental eyes burning through me ... or even on the phone!! I keep telling myself I desperately need to swallow my dignity and tell them.. I have become an award winning actress .. to the outside world ... I have to lie to my family and to my boyfriend's family and trust me they wouldn't give a crap if I told them this .. they would send me to a psychiatric ward! I have to lie with years that I work and invent stories to keep my problems as deeply buried from everyone as I possibly could... trust me no-one I know would understand this.. they would be disgusted by me and that makes me sink even lower... the stress and sheer panic about lying to conceal this secret for years has been like a fulltime career.. I can't stand anyone ever finding out.. but, I know I have to do something... xx

[paula lynne]

Oh love, I feel your pain. I dont know you, and I will NEVER judge you. Weve all got our own stories. I was sexually abused aged 10 by my best mates farther, I came from a home where mam and dad were always screaming and fighting, found out I had 4 half bros and sis I didnt know about, been throw on the street...and the list goes on...I was a single mum, but went to college and eventually Uni, and got my nursing degree, then met my wonderful hubby, and 4 weeks after my wedding, for some reason I still dont understand, panic and anxiety walked into my life and nearly destroyed me.

What Im saying is, you have become a master of disguise, and thats no way to live your life. If you dont want to tell your story here, PM me. Its so important you go back in time and face these demons. I will not judge you, I will treat everything you say to me in confidence. Let me, or someone else, help you. Youve already taken a massive step admitting what you have...now is the time to take the bull by the horns, and face this thing. I will be here for you. x