New and frightened....

[dizzyphoenix]

Hi everyone,

Ok, to try and give a little history, my panic attacks started about 12 years ago when I was in a very violent relationship. It was horrendous and the relationship lasted on and off for 5 years. During this time my confidence and self worth obviously fell through the floor. I eventually came to my senses and got out but was consequently left with the most awful mental scars (and physical!) I eventually met my current (fantastic) partner who helped me get through the bad times and my panic attacks became less frequent and 'more manageable'. Since that period of my life, I've become quite an anxious person and my biggest problem is constantly worrying about how others perceive me.

During the last few months, I've had a particularly stressful time, I found out I was pregnant with my 4th child which was completely unplanned as I really did not want anymore children (I get gestational diabetes and my panic attacks return for some reason, plus I have 3 already and no family live nearby!!) we moved house, I was left to close a local playgroup alone (the original committee members disbanded) which involved threats of personal liability and the like. It was 24/7 trying to sort things out. We run our own small business for which I feared would be forced to close if money was sought...etc etc and all I used to do was make cakes for the cake stall now and again!! I also worked two days a week for two clients cleaning their homes..along with looking after a home and my 3 other children...
I had swine flu coupled with a chest infection all over Christmas and my youngest son (2 yrs) was also very ill. My brother, who is 38 and has a mild form of cerebal palsy also needed constant care as he is unable to look after himself properly and is currently experiencing a bad bout of depression for which I was back and forth to the doctors/hospital with him despite still being ill myself. I certainly dont want to depress anyone as these are just my experiences that have literally burnt me out and I just wanted to give people an insight into what has preceded the scariest part that is happening now.

About 4 weeks ago, after recovering from swine flu, I began to get these horrible feelings of detachment (depersonalisation) I thought at first it was something to do with my inner ear. I've had it before very occasionally when I've had no sleep or lain in bed too long! They would come and last a few hours then clear, then they would come and last for a couple of days at a time. Now, for the past 3 weeks I feel like this constantly and it is so frightening. I did however get to a point where I almost accepted it as a symptom and just thought the best thing to do was just get on with it. Now it has got worse. I have had to send my 3 children away to my mother in laws whilst I am in France with my mum trying to have proper rest. I have been having trouble sleeping anyway (nearly 8 months pregnant) but I feel that there is no escape and sometimes I have real trouble with my memory and even trying to think (it's like trying to think through cotton wool!) I feel like I might go mad. Things that once made me happy, no longer do so and I dread waking each morning only to have to face another day of feeling like 'I'm not here'. I miss my children terribly and fear that I will be unable to look after them again never mind a newborn baby!! Does anyone think I should see a doctor?? I'm afraid they will put me on some hideous anti-depressants that will make me feel worse! Please help, any advice, comments, support would be greatly appreciated. So sorry to ramble on but I'm really scared this will never go and I will never feel normal again.:weep:

[nomorepanic]

Hi dizzyphoenix

A huge warm welcome to nmp.

You'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way.

Best wishes

[Bravedart]

Hi, and :welcome:. I know exactly how you feel. I've had bad depersonalisation and all sorts of other symptoms now since the start of January and have been to the docs who has prescribed me meds. I was also very reluctant but after four weeks had to do something (It all stemmed from my first ever panic attack aged 33!!! in December. I've been off work since and have no history of this. Your correct it's very frightening but I believe you should go and see your GP. All meds are different for different people but I believe mine are starting to work for me albeit its a very scary place. For me I agree with you its better to try and think..... This is me for now and try not to worry as worrying only exacerbates the symptoms I think. Take Care.

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi and welcome to NMP :welcome:
Paige x

[Pinkella]

Hiya good to have you on board!:yesyes:

[Bagrat]

I have never experienced what you are going through so can't imagine what it must be like. I do think though that you need professional help of some sort as this seems worse to you than before. Your GP is your first point of contact for any help. It may or not be medication but the GP should be able to access the services you need. Have you talked to your midwife? She may talk to the GP too. Hope this helps. Take care

[Maudlin]

Hi, I realise how difficult it may be for you to even go and see a doctor let alone accept the fact that you may have to go on medication. If you overcome this fear, though, you will certainly feel better...think of the responsibility for yourself and the baby. I've read your story and would love to tell you more, I also had a violent relationship behind me which turned catastrophically destructive for my health: I have suffered from agoraphobia for over 30 years now and am practically housebound (despite some medication). Try to think positive in spite of all, you have passed through an enormous lot of suffering, but you will recover and the sun will shine for you again! My best wishes and hugs, Magda (Maudlin)

[dizzyphoenix]

Thanks so much for your replies, it's nice (in a fashion!) to know I'm not alone...:blush:
I've got hold of a couple of self help books and am reading like a demon (through the fogginess!) just to give myself a broader idea of how I could manage this. The main line in these books is to change your thought pattern...of which I agree, but it's all well and good when you're struggling to think in the first place! It's just so so frightening, I sometimes think I'd rather cut off my own arm! The hardest thing I'm finding is trying to explain this to people, they look at me like I'm insane! Going to go to the doctors on my return, broke down to my midwife just before I came out to France and she was very worried. I guess ruling out any 'physical illness' is also worth doing....??

Bravedart, just out of interest, can you pinpoint any events that may have triggered your first panic attack?? e.g stress at work, exhaustion, loss etc?? Has your depersonalisation been constant or on and off? Take care everyone!:hugs: