using anxiety to feel important

[cathy s]

I feel this is a complicated subject that I will find hard to articulate, but here goes;

I have been dealing with anxiety for many years and in the last few, have had all kinds of help from self help to private therapists. I am currently taking 20mg citalopram. I'm not sure if I have an issue with depression, I score low on the test they give you at the doctors, but depression and self harm are things that I have irrational worry about. I've been thinking a lot about my behaviour and can see that I wake up worrying about how I feel, and instead of getting on with activities I enjoy, end up sitting in bed writing about how I feel or talking about it with someone. I find it very difficult to navigate away from these behaviours and I'm starting to wonder if I keep the anxiety going because it makes me feel important. I get a lot of attention from myself and lots of other people. I feel better when I am writing about it all I think, and when I get attention from people it makes me feel good. When I think that, right now, I could get up and have a nice bubble bath and listen to the radio, I can't seem to physically do it as if I don't want to drag myself away from this little bubble of whatever it is; thinking about how I feel, worrying if I'm depressed, why I would be, have I been like this all my life etc etc. It does sound like ruminating now I come to write about it. But I spend lots of time doing things that are designed to help too, like writing out positive lists and what to do to be better. The trouble is I don't do the things I write about.
If I left all the worry and anxiety behind, what would be left? I worry that I'll be left with just unhappiness that I won't be able to deal with because I don't know why I might be unhappy or what to do about it. I'm terrified that I may come to the conclsion that life isn't enough (I can't bear to write it.) I told my councillor this and she unhelpfully told me maybe I do feel like this which completely freaked me out as I then worried I was in more danger of self harm although I have never had the urge to do so and after a brilliant post from RLR I feel more secure about this side of it. What's really bothering me is the getting on and being happy. Leaving old behaviours behind and bravely seeking out new positive ones.

Has anyone else had this experience?

I really want to come out of this rut now and enjoy a rich and full life, especially as I can deal with panic, agoraphobia and anxiety much better now.

Any comments would be appreciated.

Cathy

[ladybird64]

Hi Cathy

I am also finding things extremely difficult to articulate at the moment too so bear with me, I hope this makes sense.

I think what you have described IS very common although I doubt whether many people will admit to it. When faced with nasty and scary feelings it is much easier to lean on others than to have to stand and face it alone. human nature I guess.

I don't think by nature I am an attention seeker but when I used to get really bad panics, I wanted the fact that I was having them to be acknowledged, not ignored. For someone to acknowledge that I was going through hell even though it couldn't be outwardly seen was important, especially when I was fighting the attacks.

There has been a whole load of kerfuffle on NMP recently with accusations that the site "mollycoddles". I do find that word offensive in the extreme but I have to admit that for us all, the only way to deal with our anxieties/panics whatever is to change our behaviour.

Obviously that doesn't mean cutting off all ties with anything anxiety related (well, maybe for some it does) but to realise that the constant introspective examining that we do needs to stop.

Analysis of every thought, feeling, mood and writing about it all the time is not helpful and I think we all know it deep down, sure it gives reassurance or comfort for a while which is fine but to feel better we have to make changes.

I often see "I just want the old me back" and while someone is searching for the old me and writing about how awful life is now, then things cannot change for them.

Maybe we can never be the same people that we once were but is that always such a bad thing? A crap analogy I know but if someone is injured in an accident then they may never be the same again but they can adapt..I think we can too.

I know exactly what you mean about happiness Cathy and what, if anything, woud be left of us after the anxiety is gone.

I can't give you an exact answer because I don't know for sure, none of us can know for sure. I had a period of time last year, when I was on meds for the first time, when my soul felt alive. :)

It might sound corny but I felt pure unadulterated joy at just being me and I felt that life was good.

I stopped meds but I truly believe I can get that feeling back again, even though at this precise moment, I am going through hell, personal reasons which I won't go into here.

The anxious part of my brain is giving me a nice dose of depression and the usual anxiety symptoms, Im not sleeping but..it can't win because I know it's a con. I'm not going to ask for help or reassurance about it (again, nothing wrong with that) because I know it will pass.

You're right, we do need to do the things we know are right for us..nobody else will! It can be a harsh world out there and it feels safer to be with others who understand and can comfort us.

At some point I firmly believe that each individual comes to the point where they start to make changes and I think the first one should always be to less analysis of the anxiety. It's there, it's a pain in the rump but it won't go away unless we deal with it, we have to rely less on others, bit by bit.

I hope you get some more feedback on this, it's a very interesting topic. :flowers:

[PoppyC]

Ladybird
Your post is one of the best I have read. It is absolutely spot on.


“Now and then it’s good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy.” ~ Guillaume Apollinaire

[snowgoose]

hello:)
my word what a thought provoking post and one that made me sit up .
Ladybirds reply was exceptional and so true
I am not very eloquent but here goes :

ten years of anxiety and panic .........then its companion depression . Some good times in between episodes .

But yes ......I have become that person who friends and family make allowances for [she has nerves ] ......and it does give me some sort of importance :ohmy:
I know I use this persona to get out of things and almost make it my personality now ........nervy ,unpredictable and it does make all those involved have to think before inviting me out or comfort me when despairing .
It is almost like it has become my self esteem measure .........now that while typing has given me a wake up call !!

Please all reading do not take this the wrong way because it is so not a comparison of despair .....I must stress this .
but yesterday in the paper I read that Sarah Brown [wife of last PM ] ....speaking after the death of her daughter.... said she found relief in realising that she was not the same person as before ....life had done its biggest blow and no way would she be the person she was again.

horrible analogy I know .

But this illness does change us so much. The carefree path we walked swayed and gave way under our feet and took away a lot of security and self esteem with it .

So yes we are different people now and need to find new happiness and hope.
It can be done of course ......now I examine every flower that blooms and rejoice in a good sleep .
the old me has gone .......but being happy with new things is the future .
We have changed .............but you know what ?
out of this hell we become nicer people I hope .

Lordy I have just realised how many times I have written I .

XX

[harasgenster]

Hi
Brilliant posts here.

When I was a teenager, when I first started suffering from depression and it was much more severe back then, I needed the attention from everybody and still, to a lesser extent, need attention, but just from those who are very close to me (boyfriend and best mate, sometimes my family). I think there is a sense of importance that people can feel but I wonder whether this could be closer to a sense of identity? People have said they worry about what would be left after the anxiety has gone, perhaps sometimes we think the anxiety IS us, which simply isn't true.

I recognise the sense of feeling special, although this was more apparent when I was younger and suffering more badly, but another part of it is the cry for help. I do need people to know I'm feeling bad because I just don't feel like I can suffer alone. I used to self harm and run away etc although back then I think it had a lot to do with pleading for someone to help me and take the feelings away. Unfortunately, there isn't a hell of a lot anyone can do for you, it's all down to you trying to help yourself.

Very nice to see this perspective on the forum. And another great post from Ladybird. From reading posts, it seems that sometimes people take offense but I think it's very good to have no-nonsense logical thoughts on here. I am totally in support of rationality. I know Ladybird said mollycoddling isn't a great word to use but, to be honest, there's something of that here, just as there can be from our friends and family. What we need is a balance of sympathy (no use just having harsh words!) but also a certain amount of solidier-on philosophy. I think it's a wonderful thing to be able to tell people about how you feel. It really can take a weight from your shoulders. But I also think it's equally wonderful to be told every once in a while: "Chin-up and get on with it". I think sometimes, at the point someone tells you that or you tell yourself, you realise you've made anxiety a bigger problem in your mind. From an objective view it often feels quite a lot smaller.

Just thought of something to add to this: I talk about myself A LOT! Not on purpose, I just end up talking about myself for hours on end! It's really embarrassing when I realise I'm doing it, but I've got to say I've never met another person with a mental health problem who DOESN'T do this quite often! we get so wrapped up in analysing ourselves that that's all we think and talk about!

Anybody else recognise that? ;)

[Greenman50]

Great posts guys , this site is so helpfull , full of decent careing people really glad i found it . Some posts bring a lump to my throat , and not the normal one i moan about ..lol..

[cathy s]

Thank you to all who have replied, you have given me a lot to think about and I believe this site is very important and has a place in giving people the encouragement, understanding, reassurance and support they need at a most difficult time. But from what I have read and felt myself, there is a realisation at some point of the need to move away from behaviours that become unhelpful in later stages of our condition, keep it going even. We all know that a big part of recovery is regaining confidence and letting go of the security and reasurance we have come to rely on. I have found this so diffcult, partly because I didn't realise what I was doing, that 18 years on I am still trying! If anyone is interested I'll just say how I'm going to try and do this from now on;
Try to sit with any feelings I have and instead of automatically worrying about what they mean and why, let them be and know they will change. And try very hard to remember that everyone feels that way, and people who don't have a problem with anxiety or depression are usually the ones that don't make them more by blaming, fearing, avoiding or prolonging them by any other means.
Not talk to anyone about worried or anxious feelings that I know are the condition or at least wait a few hours first to let them change on their own.
In addition I will find different ways of getting positive attention from the people that matter to me, think about their needs more (I'm not good at this!) and plan new activities to enjoy with them.
Accept irrational and unwanted thoughts.
Not write about how I feel - good or bad at the moment.
Replacing unhelpful behaviours with new activities that I've been wanting to do for some time thereby building confidence and strengthening the belief that I am important.
I'm learning to use positive introspection to observe what is going on with me and realise what I need to give mself that I was trying to get from others or my behaviours. For example I can see that I am using this site at the moment partly to feel part of something.

This is all really ambitious but if I have these goals in mind and I achieve a fraction of them it's a good start!

Good luck everyone.