View Full Version : Parent Nightmares
Hi I dont have a close relationship with my parents and dont see them very often, i have had deeprooted anger issues with them and have tried hard over the years to shake this off and have a better relationship with them.
I had 6 months of CBT and wrote them a long letter teling them exactly how i feel and as you can imagine it didnt go down to well and lead to arguements and them saying everything i said was not true.
We r now roughly 2 years on and nothing has changed apart from, me deciding to just get on with my life with hubby and kids and just see them occationally, but not to stress about things.
I am ok until i see them and then my anger comes back along with anxiety and panic, they came over few days ago first time in about 9 months, it went ok, but they wont talk about anything i had told them and my mum, sufers anxiety and just crys over everything, therefore i never been able togo to her if i needed help. my dad is old fashioned and quite controlling verbally, so i not close to him.
So really i know that its me that has to change cos they r not going too, i just dont know which way to change, i just cant seem to b close to them, they r never interested in any of us, they have lied to me on lots of occations over the years and just only interested as long as i smiling.
Do i just keep trying to get them to change and mayb open up to me in hope that mayb they may admit they made mistakes, or do i just completely get on with my life and only talk when necassary, my wish is to b closer to my mum, but i really cant see that happening, so mayb i should just accept this now and move on. i never relied on them emotionally, we never hug and it feels weird to b honest.
I have my hubby, but he dont see his family either, i keept thinking if something happend to him i would have no one, for me.
I have such bad anxiety, esp health anxiety, i panic over stupide stuff and possibly still get a little depression which i thought i had conquered.
I do help out in my daughters school voluntarily, plus walk loads to help with clearing my head etc, its just anytime i want to make a big decison i freak out and feel a failure before i even tryed these things.
Anxiety is an awful illness along with depression and its a daily battle to get through your day and fight things, but i never give up and through exercise i have conquered bad depression that i had, i got off meds and i now try to always b positive.
i have more good days than bad now, but i not sure you can ever shake it off completely, hugs to u all :hugs:
See if this sounds on the right lines:hugs:.....
When you told your parents how you felt, your parents said that what you believed wasn't true so then you would get angry because they wouldn't admit to being in the wrong which then upset your mother so your father would then argue back to protect your mother..does that sound about right?
So when you see them now you don't discuss the past to avoid further arguments but the bad feelings and upset still exists on both sides but has been left unresolved.
If so, I think now you have 2 choices...The first would need their agreement and that is to see a counsellor Together because the counsellor would then act as the mediator to avoid tempers rising and further arguments. When we lose our temper, people feel under attack so they become defensive so no progress is achieved. Diplomacy achieves much better results but it requires patience and a calm approach by both sides and that's where a counsellor can help to air grievances but keep the peace at the same time.
However, if your parents are unwilling to resolve things, you then only have one choice left and that is to accept that there's no point in trying to get them to admit they are in the wrong. All that will happen is that you will get frustrated, feel angry and be left feeling very anxious because you're hitting a brick wall that you can't get through.
Sometimes people can't see what they've done is wrong, sometimes they're too afraid to admit it, sometimes pride prevents them, sometimes people are faced with no win situations etc etc...sometimes we just have to accept that not everyone will see eye to eye even in family members. Since the beginning of time there have always been feuds between parents and siblings or between siblings. It can just be human nature that even family members are like chalk and cheese.
Moving on...you worry about about not having anyone for "you". Well, you still have your hubby and there's no reason to think anything would happen to him. You've never been able to rely on your parents and the likelihood is that both you and your hubby will long outlive them anyway. By the time anything happened to our hubby, your children will be grown up and you'll have them to support you as I know you're a very good mother to them so no, you wouldn't be left with no one for "you". Besides that, you're such a lovely woman I can't imagine you being left on your own for any length of time anyway! So really, I don't think you should worry about it.
I think all you should concentrate on is enjoying your hubby, your children and find enjoyment in every day activities, and you'll worry less about what if's and what can't be changed.
I'm afraid to say life is full of upsets and sometimes we just have to come to terms and move on because it's not worth letting the past spoil what happiness we could have in the future. I admit I have had my share of emotional upsets and heartaches and I too worry what the future holds but when I think like that I try to think of something I enjoy in the present to stop my mind wandering.
I know you princess and I know the inner strength you have so like you say I know you'll keep positive and keep moving forward. A special woman like you will always be ok and you'll always have people who will want to know you because of the person you are.:hugs:
Bill Thankyou and what a lovely piece of writing, Wow, what you have wrote, you have written in a way that makes such perfect sense and you really should become some sort of counsellor, not too late to take up a course, u know ;)
Well The idea or a counsellor for us all would be great, but both my parents, prob more so my mum, are so private, that they don't like anyone knowing there business, plus my mum did admit in the past that she prefers to push her problems to the back of her mind and eventually they not a problem to her, so i know the counselling with them just would never happen.
I love the way you wrote about us living on and by then our children being there etc, you have a great way of putting things, and you are right, i do have great inner strength and i will put it too good use in trying hard to just making a good life for my own little family and enjoying the simple things in family life.
You too are alot sronger than you think you are and you will be fine too :)
Thankyou again this writing all this for me and you are so valuable on this forum, i am sure the answers you give and threads you write provide great comfort to alot of people and i hope that when you need help and advice that you make sure you ask for it too, i know people would always take time to help you on here. hugs my friend xx
Thank you princess but I really couldn't cope with being a counsellor. I don't think I have enough confidence in my own thoughts and I certainly couldn't remain detached from others suffering. Also I know I'm not always right but I do enjoy to at least try to help people, especially when they are as lovely and as kind as you.:hugs:
my mum, sufers anxiety and just crys over everything, therefore i never been able togo to her if i needed help.
This may well be part of your mothers problem....
my mum did admit in the past that she prefers to push her problems to the back of her mind and eventually they not a problem to her,
When we have issues that hurt too much, we often do push them to the back of our minds to try and ignore them but by doing so we cause ourselves anxiety because the issues are left undealt with. This means that we remain sensitive to them so that whenever something happens or is said that touches on this issues, we feel stressed so that either we become defensive or we become emotional and want to retreat because the feelings are just too uncomfortable to bear. They're not a problem until they're touched on so I guess you could say we live in denial that a problem exists. Often though we do bury things and carry on with life as if they don't exist because we do all we can to avoid them.
Anyway, I suspect that maybe the case with your mother but like you say I didn't really think she would be prepared to open up as I think she hurts too much. I can understand your anger but in a way I also feel a bit sad for her because I think that maybe these issues are preventing "her" from feeling closer to "you" as well as the other way round and that deep down she really does care about you...but I'm only guessing because I don't know her and all the issues involved.
If I've got the following saying right!..."when a door closes, another one opens"...sometimes we just have to try to come to terms by accepting what can't be changed so we can close the door on the past to help us keep moving forward through other doors in the hope of a better future..... and I think that's what you're doing princess....i do have great inner strength and i will put it too good use in trying hard to just making a good life for my own little family and enjoying the simple things in family life.
Thank you for your kind words. It's an honour to be your friend.:hugs:
Thanks again very much Bill, the difference i think between me and my mother is i do try and deal with majority of my problems, so that they are not problems anymore, i would rather, have it all out in the open, but my mum prefers to keep it swept under the carpet and hope that it doesnt resurface again.
I have tried to tel her that i see things from her point of view too, i think alot of why she is like she is too, is because i aparently was a very difficult baby and never slept, always cried and mum said, she had to put me in cot at bottom of stairs cos she couldnt sleep, plus i made her hair fall out from stress and lack of sleep, etc so i am thinking that mayb we just didnt bond too well and now she find real closeness a struggle with me, yet my brother was easy and no probs so things were easier.
I think i will always feel the way i do, i just have to learn to not not care quite as much and just focus on what i do have and hope i can make my 3 children happy always.
Thanks again Bill u r a star as always xxx
Is it possble for a mother to bear resentment towards her own daughter even though both parties realise the daughter is not to blame for the stress she caused? I'm not sure but if it is, it could be a reason why there is a barrier between you and your mother because both of you are storing anger and frustration. It could also be that because your mother realises it wasn't your fault that she may feel guilt because of how she had to treat you to allow herself sleep and also for now feeling resentment when she knows she shouldn't. There's probably alot more to it but it's just a thought. In any case though, I don't think delving will resolve things but it does often help to understand behaviour. Sometimes I feel when we can understand something, it sometimes helps to ease anger.
I'm not a parent but I know in my situation I do feel anger and alot of frustration myself even though I keep telling myself I shouldn't when in my case their illness makes them unable to realise how it affects me every day.
i just have to learn to not care quite as much
Hmm, only about things that can't be changed. Caring makes you the mother you are so I certainly wouldn't want you to care less in any other way......not that I believe you could because that's what makes you special.:hugs:
Thanks Bill you gave me few things to think about and always love your posts, i hope things are going ok for you at the moment and you are finding some breathing space and doing some fun things too, sometimes when we have so much going on, we completely forget about ourselves, but we are very important too and to carry on being the good caring people we are, we have to have some happy times too. hugs always xx
I never forget myself but I feel happy times and fun things have. My breathing space is my bed and when I'm allowed sleep. I do agree that you're very important princess.:hugs:
I have the same issue with my parents, they always made me angry, they treated me like crap, they kidnapped my son, they spread lies about me and turned my whole family against me!
I tried to get past it, i tried to forgive and forget but my paretns refuse to admit what they did was wrong, they refuse to admit all the lies they told even though i have proof of the lies, they refuse to admit it was their fault and they try to make me feel bad for standing up for myself, my family are like the mafia!
I cant forgive them, so i cut them off and no longer see them, i even gave them my son to get them to leave me alone (that makes me sound bad but youd understand if you knew the true extent) now all i have is my hubby and my two girls and my in laws although we dont see them often.
I get very panicky and stressed about my family, sometimes i feel free and great and other times i feel alone and scared, i guess its something i have to deal with over time.
cutting off my family was the best thing for me, the stress they caused was too much, theyre the ones that triggered my anxiety in the frst place as it was the day before my duaghter was born that they kidnapped my son and started all the trouble, the stress was too much, sometiomes we have to stop and think about ourselves for a change, which is what i did. i still get upset about it now but theres nothing i can do about it so i have to move on and try to forget.
hi hun, sorry to hear u have had same issues, its a vicious circle, with not wanting them in your life cos of stress etc, but at same time wanting there support etc, u can never win, u prob did right thing, although leaving your son must have been a tough decision, its not something i could ever do, but everyone has there reasons and i sure u have yours.
Can u get your son back? i hope that you can sometimes, i'm sure it would b best for both of u, hugs xx
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.