Trauma

[Tweets]

Hiya,

I guess I'm just wondering...

In the past 3 years I've experienced a lot of trauma.

After a traumatic birth of my twin boys one of my sons died suddenly and unexpectedly at 1 month old. I fell asleep feeding him and awoke to find he'd stopped breathing. My husband did CPR and he was taken to hospital but it took ages to restart his heart. We watched his tiny body give up in PICU over the course of 48 hours. Our other son was admitted for obs as we were told there was a raised risk of it happening to him as they were twins. The police had to come to our house... it was heartbreaking, horrific and totally unreal. Even now it feels like a dream and I can't engage with it. We had to take our surviving son home 3 days later and I just spent a whole year expecting him to stop breathing too.
At one point we all had to have investigations/ECGs as to rule out an inherited heart condition which can also cause adults to die suddenly. THere were other investigations too.
We had to keep going despite little sleep/reflux baby and shock/grief etc. There was little time to process the situation although I've had lots of counselling. We tried to have a 3rd child via fertility treatment but it didn't work and had miscarriage so tough times.
Then when I thought we'd had our fair share... 3 months ago my husband was struck down with bac meningitis. Again, I find myself phoning an ambulance/blue light/intensive care. Spent 3 days not knowing if he was going to live or if he'd have brain damage. Then a further week whether he'd be blind and only recently have we found out that his eyesight is going to be ok. All the time I've had to care for a 3 year-old, obviously with help from friends and family.

I keep wondering what impact this has all had and I don't know. I got through the first trauma without meds. I think anxiety has been there for me from when I was a child but I guess it's on a different level now. I feel very unreal a lot (on a few occasions drugged/dreamlike) and tend to feel like I'm on red alert, just waiting for the next emergency. I often can't concentrate and worry as I'm the breadwinner. Does anyone else feel like that? I worry the house will burn down, I'll get breast cancer... you name it. I have no trust in the world any more but tend to try to keep this to myself as I really want my son to have a normal childhood (tbh I really think we've done ok in that department against all odds!) I'm just so scared and want my family to survive.

Is the world a horrible place or is my view of it totally warped?

Tweets

[ladybird64]

Hello and :welcome:

I'm going to try and answer even though I'm not exactly sure what to say.

Nobody can make comparisons, what you have been through is hell on earth but I honestly belive the way you are reacting is normal for someone that has been through and is still going through ongoing trauma.

The trust has gone because it doesn't feel safe to let your guard down, every time you have you have been hit by another tragedy. I haven't been through the same things as you but I totally understand why you feel distanced..it what we do to survive, it's our way of preserving ourselves.

Like by somehow worrying we are preparing for the worst that is sure to come our way..and when it dutifully comes we are proved right.

I promise you that no amount of worrying or being prepared for a crisis makes any difference to what may happen and I think you probably know that yourself but it is so hard to "let go" and change the way we think when we have been proved right over and over.

The trouble is hun, you're right and this world can be an incredibly cruel place, you have been through so much. But it can also be good, even at the lowest times when you want to give up because you can't take the fear of the unknown anymore..someone or something will help you see that life can be good.

It might just be a glimpse penetrating what is essentially a completely grey outlook, something that shows that it is ok to let the guard down just for a little while, it is ok to just BE..and for once, you don't need to do anything.

I'm doing this a bit myself at the moment, what if, what if..this or that or the other could happen and if that doesn't happen then this might..exhausting.

I think to have survived everything you have had to live through without screaming for help from your doc is amazing..but..I think you need a little extra help to get you through don't you?

Meds can be a short term help (as they were for me, took me over 20 yrs to admit I needed help!) but I think maybe some therapy would help you a lot. Counselling was obviously the way to go after such trauma but you need to look after YOU and from what you say, maybe therapy will be of benefit, more specifically CBT.

I haven't had it myself but have learnt a fair bit about it here and it helps by looking at your unhelpful thoughts and challenging them..maybe in your case the constant worrying and being sure that something awful will happen.

As you say, you are the breadwinner and need to take care of yourself, now is the time to start. Go to your doc and discuss everything with him/her and see what is recommended.

This is not the place to go into my background but briefly, I also soldiered on and kept everything together on the outside, keeping strong. It nearly cost me my sanity and my life.

Please get support for yourself and in doing that you will be there for hubby and your little boy (who I'm sure, will grow up just fine).
I cannot comprehend the pain of losing a child and also the miscarriages you have suffered..dreadful.

You're a brave lady and I'm very glad you have decided to join NMP..you will find some great people here to give you support. :hugs:

[gaaron]

Hi Tweets, You've been through an awful lot recently, it's no wonder you're feeling the way you do. Ladybird64 has given a very thoughtful reply and good advice to which I can't add anything else to. Lots of hugs to you and your family :hugs:x

[SW]

sorry to hear of this sad news..i cannot imagine what you are going through right now,hope things get better for you xx

[happycamper]

Hi Tweets and welcome to NMP,

It is absolutely not surprising you feel the way you do.... Ladybird's post is spot on.

There are similarities in how I've felt after a number of crises and life stressors. Fully understand the feeling of 'red alert'. However getting it out into the open and accepting help was the best thing I did and it's helped tremendously, as I'm sure it can for yourself.

You'll get loads of support from here too! x

[Tweets]

Thank you for your support and replies, especially Ladybird! Big hugs to you all on your journeys.
Have a docs appointment for tomorrow and have written everything down. Tbh, I know if I tried to explain all this I'll be crying and jibbering and will leave stuff out. Anyhow, I think I've been priding myself on being "brave" and resiliant for too long and am beginning to realise I need to be careful and a lot more in tune with the signs of anxiety I'm experiencing.
I'm also going to consider meds for short-term even though have always felt they "weren't for me". I guess I need to try everything available. Have also chased up more counselling.
Loads of luck everyone and big thanks. Tx

[jenbo50]

I think you're incredibly brave and most probably a fantastic mum despite the horrendous times you and your family have been through. Have you heard the phrase "Depression is not a sign of weakness.....but a sign that you have been strong for too long"? I love this saying and it would seem very relevant to your heartbreaking situation. Good luck at the docs and let us all know how you get on xxx