Tweets
28-02-11, 19:49
Hiya,
I guess I'm just wondering...
In the past 3 years I've experienced a lot of trauma.
After a traumatic birth of my twin boys one of my sons died suddenly and unexpectedly at 1 month old. I fell asleep feeding him and awoke to find he'd stopped breathing. My husband did CPR and he was taken to hospital but it took ages to restart his heart. We watched his tiny body give up in PICU over the course of 48 hours. Our other son was admitted for obs as we were told there was a raised risk of it happening to him as they were twins. The police had to come to our house... it was heartbreaking, horrific and totally unreal. Even now it feels like a dream and I can't engage with it. We had to take our surviving son home 3 days later and I just spent a whole year expecting him to stop breathing too.
At one point we all had to have investigations/ECGs as to rule out an inherited heart condition which can also cause adults to die suddenly. THere were other investigations too.
We had to keep going despite little sleep/reflux baby and shock/grief etc. There was little time to process the situation although I've had lots of counselling. We tried to have a 3rd child via fertility treatment but it didn't work and had miscarriage so tough times.
Then when I thought we'd had our fair share... 3 months ago my husband was struck down with bac meningitis. Again, I find myself phoning an ambulance/blue light/intensive care. Spent 3 days not knowing if he was going to live or if he'd have brain damage. Then a further week whether he'd be blind and only recently have we found out that his eyesight is going to be ok. All the time I've had to care for a 3 year-old, obviously with help from friends and family.
I keep wondering what impact this has all had and I don't know. I got through the first trauma without meds. I think anxiety has been there for me from when I was a child but I guess it's on a different level now. I feel very unreal a lot (on a few occasions drugged/dreamlike) and tend to feel like I'm on red alert, just waiting for the next emergency. I often can't concentrate and worry as I'm the breadwinner. Does anyone else feel like that? I worry the house will burn down, I'll get breast cancer... you name it. I have no trust in the world any more but tend to try to keep this to myself as I really want my son to have a normal childhood (tbh I really think we've done ok in that department against all odds!) I'm just so scared and want my family to survive.
Is the world a horrible place or is my view of it totally warped?
Tweets
I guess I'm just wondering...
In the past 3 years I've experienced a lot of trauma.
After a traumatic birth of my twin boys one of my sons died suddenly and unexpectedly at 1 month old. I fell asleep feeding him and awoke to find he'd stopped breathing. My husband did CPR and he was taken to hospital but it took ages to restart his heart. We watched his tiny body give up in PICU over the course of 48 hours. Our other son was admitted for obs as we were told there was a raised risk of it happening to him as they were twins. The police had to come to our house... it was heartbreaking, horrific and totally unreal. Even now it feels like a dream and I can't engage with it. We had to take our surviving son home 3 days later and I just spent a whole year expecting him to stop breathing too.
At one point we all had to have investigations/ECGs as to rule out an inherited heart condition which can also cause adults to die suddenly. THere were other investigations too.
We had to keep going despite little sleep/reflux baby and shock/grief etc. There was little time to process the situation although I've had lots of counselling. We tried to have a 3rd child via fertility treatment but it didn't work and had miscarriage so tough times.
Then when I thought we'd had our fair share... 3 months ago my husband was struck down with bac meningitis. Again, I find myself phoning an ambulance/blue light/intensive care. Spent 3 days not knowing if he was going to live or if he'd have brain damage. Then a further week whether he'd be blind and only recently have we found out that his eyesight is going to be ok. All the time I've had to care for a 3 year-old, obviously with help from friends and family.
I keep wondering what impact this has all had and I don't know. I got through the first trauma without meds. I think anxiety has been there for me from when I was a child but I guess it's on a different level now. I feel very unreal a lot (on a few occasions drugged/dreamlike) and tend to feel like I'm on red alert, just waiting for the next emergency. I often can't concentrate and worry as I'm the breadwinner. Does anyone else feel like that? I worry the house will burn down, I'll get breast cancer... you name it. I have no trust in the world any more but tend to try to keep this to myself as I really want my son to have a normal childhood (tbh I really think we've done ok in that department against all odds!) I'm just so scared and want my family to survive.
Is the world a horrible place or is my view of it totally warped?
Tweets