To go back, or not to go back... that is the question!

[DottysBird]

I was prescribed Citalopram in October last year after being diagnosed with moderate depression. I had no idea at the time what the problem was, but it manifested itself in the form of "melt downs"! I would wake up feeling ok, start to feel a little anxious on the way to work and by the time I arrived in the staffroom I'd be a sobbing wreck! After a few weeks I decided I couldn't carry on like that - mainly because I was concerned at how unprofessional I looked crying in the staffroom every day!

I went to the Dr's who initially recommended a self help book and CBT but I was withdrawn and unable to engage with the online programme. The following week I was prescribed Citalopram 20mg. Once the medication began to take effect I was able to realise that the depression was a reaction to a series of events. My parents had been burgled in August 2009 and when I received the phonecall from my Mum I initially thought the worst had happened to my Dad. He wasn't ill or anything but receiving a call at 4am makes you think the worst. The initial feeling in the pit of my stomach didn't really leave me and I replayed the feeling over and over in my head. In February 2010 my Dad had to have a colonoscopy (sp?) following concerns over the results of his routine bowl cancer screenings. This just added to my fears and within a few months I'd developed an irrational fear of losing him. We moved back in with my parents in May 2010 and I would get up in the night to check we hadn't been burgled and to check my Dad was still breathing. Completely irrational, I know, but I couldn't see that at the time. Once I was on the Citalopram I was able to identify this and work through the issues by talking to friends and colleagues.

My husband and I would like to try for a baby this year, so that was my reason for coming off Citalopram. I spoke with the Nurse Practitioner at my GP surgery and said I wanted to reduce my medication despite only being on it for 4 months. I initially reduced the dose from 20mg to 10mg for two weeks, then from 10mg to 5mg for another two weeks before stopping altogether last Thursday. Already I'm struggling with the effects of stopping my medication. I'm a little teary, which I can cope with, but I can only describe it as feeling permanently hungover! I feel shakey, and often a bit sickly and I also get what feel like "brain shivers"! I can only assume this is the same or a similar feeling to the brain wooshes other people have mentioned. I have also been quite "snappy" towards my husband. I'm getting very emotional and frustrated and I can just feel it building instantly as soon as we disagree over something (no matter how minor) and it feels like I can't calm down until I've peaked, which basically involves me becoming hysterical! Once I've reached that peak I feel calm, not to mention feeling completely stupid and guilty! Since stopping my medication last week we have had 2 or 3 arguements that have started off as bickering or a minor disagreement and has escalated to a full on row! Whilst on Citalopram it's taken the edge off my outbursts and my husband and I have been getting on brilliantly. He's really supportive but sometimes finds it difficult to understand when I get really upset or wound up.

Until this evening I was planning on riding out the storm and just aiming to get past the withdrawl effects but I'm starting to think I stopped taking the tablets too soon as already my emotions are a little all over the place and I don't want to undo all the positive work the medication did for me and for my relationship with my husband.

Any comments or advice will be greatly appreciated and any comments about taking a low dose of Citalopram when trying to conceive or whilst pregnant would be so helpful. It might also help for me to add that I work in a very stressful (prison) environment, so my working day can often be draining!

Thanks in advance,
DB.
xx

[gaaron]

Hi DB,
On hindsight I had similar withdrawal effects, but at the time I didn't know whether it was that, or that I'd come off the meds too early. A few weeks down the line.... I feel fine.
I think it may be best to speak to your GP and explain your position and your intention to have a baby.
Good Luck x

[DottysBird]

Thankyou for your comments.

I have had a cold this week which has distracted me somewhat from the side effects of coming off Citalopram. The physical effects seem to have gone and now I'm just getting used to dealing with day to day stresses without the slightly fuzzy edged feeling I found Cit gave me.

The problem is when I DO get stressed. My instant thought is "OMG, I'm not going to cope and I'm going to have to go back to the Dr and then I'm not going to be able to try for a baby", but thankfully my friends are far more rational than me and are there to remind me that everyone gets stressed, everyone gets anxious somethings and that I just need to find a way to deal with this. So, although I'm having a bit of an emotional day, I'm feeling more positive that I was when I posted my original message.

DB
xx

[NoPoet]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear what you have been through. The not-entirely-irrational fear of losing my dad was also one of the trigger factors for my anxiety/depression a couple of years ago.

I also came off citalopram about 7 weeks ago after being on it for 2 years. It felt right to come off at the time. Unfortunately I seem to have either relapsed or gone into a blip. The blip isn't caused by my coming off the citalopram, it's because either I was not as "cured" as I thought or because I am simply just having a hard time.

It sounds like you're lucky enough to have the support of good friends and a decent doctor. I'd say 4 months is probably not long enough to recover from the trauma you went through - the usual recovery time for a major life incident is about 2 years or more. You're discovering that once anxiety (which you are definitely appearing to suffer from) and depression (which often goes hand in hand with anxiety) take hold they are hard to shift.

I wonder how much of that resilience comes from the bad memories we accrue during our anxiety/depression - I know that for me at least I am more afraid of feeling this way than I am about anything else - you get stuck in a loop.

The physical effects you had, the increased stress response, feeling of being hungover and a certain "fuzziness" in the head are all side effects of changing your dose of cit and as you are experiencing now, they do tend to go away with time.