View Full Version : I just don't belong anywhere
I think this will be a long post. I didn't know where to put it. Several days ago I picked up on a thread that suggested things were getting heavy round here. I took it that it was me that was being too serious and since then I haven't been able to post anything. I found this site about a month ago and I was so happy because I thought I had found a group of people that I would have something in common with and I have found encouragement by reading what troubles other people have and how they cope with it.
I didn't tell anyone my story because I find it so hard to talk about. I know I don't have to and you probably aren't interested but here it is anyway:
About 15 months ago something really awful happened to me. I should have seen it coming but I didn't. I have always struggled with depressions and anxieties but this was such a traumatic event that it pushed me into a serious mental breakdown. I spent about a week without washing, dressing, eating or talking. I had panic attacks, agoraphobia, when I did speak I couldn't hear myself properly. I didn't sleep. It was a horrible horrible experience. And what makes it worse is that even now it comes back to haunt me again and again. No not in my head....it really does keep coming back. I have had a lot of help...I have had therapists, my friend has stood by me all the way, my family have finally accepted my illness and my doctor has been so good. I resisted medication for a long time but finally gave in and it was a good thing to do. I have had CBT, I have studied Mindfulness and I paint and draw and do creative things when I can motivate myself. I have had such low self esteem that I didn't think what I was doing was worth anything even though in my heart I can see that it's not that bad but in my head I am rubbish.
I will struggle to continue to fight what has happened and I am so grateful for the help I have had. I feel that it is logical to try to understand the situation because that way you can cut it down to size and make sense of it. If you know why something happens you can fight it. I have to believe that otherwise I really would just give up.
I wanted to tell you guys because I have spent too much time here playing games and just lurking. You have helped me, thank you. But I'm not sure that I can offer anything in return, perhaps because I am too serious. So I want to say that I don't think I belong. I have spent the last few nights wide awake worrying about how I come across and I think I should stop playing games and spend more time drawing.
You are good people, you are worthwhile with something special to offer, you all take care now. I have a job interview on Tuesday, the first in all this time Wish me luck.
Thyme
(Sorry this is so long)
Hi Thyme
First of all, I don't think for a minute that you are the cause of things getting heavy round here. In a way, it's a normal pattern in online communities, as the dynamics of the groups change and from time to time there will be firction and arguments. I used to be a forum administrator somewhere else (nothing to do with anxiety) and at times there could be huge problems with people not getting on.
Also, every group of people, whether it's online or in real-time, will have periods when things don't go according to plan - that's just human nature as most of us like to have our say about things and get miffed when other people don't agree with us. Also, when people are online they often don't say things in the same way as they do in real life - it's very easy to type something in anger and hit the "post" button.
Playing games can sometimes be a useful part of therapy - it can give our brains some downtime and help us to reorder our minds. However, I think it's a great thing that you're doing something artistic with your spare time, and I hope you get on well with that.
Never worry about being "too serious" - we're all different!!
Hi Thyme,
I have been a member here for a few months now, and it has helped me so much- not just the kindness and advice of people towards me and questions i have posted, but also reading about other peoples problems and experience. Low self esteem seems to be such a common topic, for obvious reasons, and i can really relate to what you said in your post about feeling that comments are directed at you, and that you dont belong anywhere. I feel the same way sometimes. I worry how i come across, that people may think im selfish and dont fit in. I do realise though, that this is prob just my low self esteem talking, and i try to hold that in my head- Its really hard sometimes though!
Good luck with the interview on tuesday :) Let us know how you get on.
Much love.
Pia x
ladybird64
03-03-11, 11:20
I think this will be a long post. I didn't know where to put it. Several days ago I picked up on a thread that suggested things were getting heavy round here. I took it that it was me that was being too serious and since then I haven't been able to post anything. I found this site about a month ago and I was so happy because I thought I had found a group of people that I would have something in common with and I have found encouragement by reading what troubles other people have and how they cope with it.
Sometimes there are disagreements in opinion here but given the size of the forum, it happens rarely. What happened recently (if my mind is on the right track) is unusual and was mainly down to one person in particular (NOT you!) who was acting in an antagonistic way towards others. It is all finished now, everyone has given their opinions..done and dusted.
I didn't tell anyone my story because I find it so hard to talk about. I know I don't have to and you probably aren't interested but here it is anyway:
I'm interested in your story and appreciate how hard it is for you to share it with others at the moment. Thank you. :)
About 15 months ago something really awful happened to me. I should have seen it coming but I didn't. I have always struggled with depressions and anxieties but this was such a traumatic event that it pushed me into a serious mental breakdown. I spent about a week without washing, dressing, eating or talking. I had panic attacks, agoraphobia, when I did speak I couldn't hear myself properly. I didn't sleep. It was a horrible horrible experience. And what makes it worse is that even now it comes back to haunt me again and again. No not in my head....it really does keep coming back. I have had a lot of help...I have had therapists, my friend has stood by me all the way, my family have finally accepted my illness and my doctor has been so good. I resisted medication for a long time but finally gave in and it was a good thing to do. I have had CBT, I have studied Mindfulness and I paint and draw and do creative things when I can motivate myself. I have had such low self esteem that I didn't think what I was doing was worth anything even though in my heart I can see that it's not that bad but in my head I am rubbish.
I will struggle to continue to fight what has happened and I am so grateful for the help I have had. I feel that it is logical to try to understand the situation because that way you can cut it down to size and make sense of it. If you know why something happens you can fight it. I have to believe that otherwise I really would just give up.
Will you remember to keep some of the gratitude for yourself? It sounds to me that you have taken so many steps to try and help yourself, yes you have had therapy etc but it wouldn't have happened unless you agreed to give it a go!
I wanted to tell you guys because I have spent too much time here playing games and just lurking. You have helped me, thank you. But I'm not sure that I can offer anything in return, perhaps because I am too serious. So I want to say that I don't think I belong. I have spent the last few nights wide awake worrying about how I come across and I think I should stop playing games and spend more time drawing.
Thyme, you do yourself a wee disservice there. You have contributed posts on the forum but bear in mind that there are no rules that say you have to. The whole point of the forum is to get what YOU need out of it, if you want to (and feel able) to try and help that's great but if you are using it because you want to read posts or play games, that's great too! Honestly. :hugs:
I go through periods of time where I am unable to offer advice and I don't actually want to talk to anyone, just maybe read what's been written. Sometimes life puts us in a place where we just need to "be"..not actively doing anything. This is the place where the pressure should be lifted, where you can be yourself.
You are good people, you are worthwhile with something special to offer, you all take care now. I have a job interview on Tuesday, the first in all this time Wish me luck.
Thyme
(Sorry this is so long)
I sincerely hope you don't leave because you feel you don't belong. Some play the games and don't post, some post and don't play the games, some just read..we have all got a place here somewhere!
Good luck for your interview, take care :flowers:
Thyme:hugs:
Remember, this site is full of Special people just like YOU and that's why I find it hard to stop keeping back so Never feel people aren't interested or you're not worthy because there are Lots of people here who Do understand who want to be here for you.:hugs:
Ladybird and Pia are Also perfect examples of the Special people here.:hugs:
I just checked in and was a lot bowled over by your replies. I have read what you all said about 3 times each and then had a good cry and now I feel a lot better. Thank you all for what you say. You are right Bill about people being special. Pia and Blueangel thank you for your encouragement and Ladybird thank you too. I need to think about that being grateful business...I haven't looked at it from that angle before.
Now I have decided to allow myself one hour playing games and after that I should do the washing up (yuk yuk yukkety yuk).
I will keep coming back, I slept well last night for the first time in ages and I think this is too good a place to not visit.
Thyme
Glad you are going to stick around Thyme. The way I look at it is that lots of us are in different places with our issues - so some people are able to offer other people, others aren't. It's good to know that you have found NMP helpful, though - that's what matters. Keep trying to work on your self-esteem (it's really hard but I do feel over time I've managed to improve mine) and lots of luck with the interview xxx
For you Thyme:hugs:.....we All care, we All want to listen and we All want to be here for you so Never feel alone with how you feel at times:hugs:...
Solitude
She wore a green dress and her eyes were blue,
Someone would speak but she knew not who,
For her mind was confused in a hazy hue,
Like looking through droplets of a morning dew,
Images would appear, strange thoughts would flow,
From where they came she did not know,
She wished she could think clear as a winters snow,
But all she could feel was a constant low,
No one would listen, no one knew how,
But she needed help and she needed it now!
She was in such turmoil and surrounded by fear,
She was afraid to talk, for what people might think,
And her eyes would shed a lonely tear,
But help Was there,
Though she knew not from where,
She talked, they listened, they cared,
They were the only ones who understood and dared!:bighug1:
Gosh Bill
That's good, I like that...did you write it?
hi there, i have been a member here for around 3 years and have read and responded to alosrts of problems people face, this is a great forum and everyone is here to listen and we understand too, thats whats great about this place, plus some people r regulars and others not so.
You r brave to write what u have, it take s alot of courage to write things down that r painful to us, stick around kiddo and we r here if u need us, hugs xx
Hello Thyme:hugs:
Yes, it's a hobby of mine. I just wanted to try and give you a smile so I'm glad you enjoyed it.:hugs:
Bill, that is a good hobby and I envy you because I can't write poetry for toffee. I do, however, draw pictures and I think I can see that lady in my head so I am going to have a go at getting her down on paper. It may take some time but I'll get back to you.
I have to say thank you to all you guys because I am feeling much better.
I have always envied people who can draw and wished I had their ability. I love watching an artist at work and seeng the picture take shape.
Just a suggestion, but before you draw this beautiful lady, remind yourself of what she would like by looking in your mirror first, remembering that even if you can't see her, others always will in the image you find.
I'm Glad you're feeling better.:):hugs:
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