View Full Version : HI, Im Suzi and I am a mess!!!!
Well, sounds a bit of an exaggeration, but it its true. Its a long story and I am not going into it now, in fact the only reason I am doing this now is because I have an appointment with my Psych and I need to do something to keep me occupied so I am not panicking as much
I have always been a strong person and worked in various branches of the medical profession, well kind of, I was a Dr's receptionist for many years, I also worked in A and E of the local hospital and then went on to train as a Dispensing Assistant in a chemist. I also have a psychology degree from the Open University.
My life was going well I had been in a marriage that was abusive, had two wonderful children and I eventually got out of the marriage by moving to the Isle of Man, my birth place to live with my Father. I was doing well I met a marvellous guy who worshipped me and I him and myself and the kids moved in with him eventually. But things started going wrong from here on. He wanted to settle down, liked nothing better than staying in, whereas I loved going out. So he stayed in and babysat when I went out. Trouble was eventually I started getting fed up of such a one sided social life and I stupidly ended up being unfaithful to him. This became a regular occurance and eventually he left me, although he did want to come back stupidly I said no. Oh I forgot to say in the course of the relationship I had to have a hysterectomy due to major problems. I subsequently met a guy who was involved with drugs and I got involved myself and got hooked on heroin. Loads happened over the last 10 years, but have now been in recovery for nearly 5 years, but still on methadone. I have always suffered from depression stress and anxiety, and have been on Diazapam and many different antidepressants which I didnt get on with at all. I married again about 6 years ago and again he was an addict and I relapsed for a few months, but as I said been totally clean apart from the methedone and the diazepam. He has been in prison for 3 years and is due out in May this year. I started getting panic attacks and mild agoraphobia around October last year but having chatted with a friend who was suffering with similar problems she said that Pregabalin was working wonders for her, so I went to my Dr who had really come to a bit of a head scratcher as none of the anti depressants suited me, I didnt want to put my diazapam up, so she was not to keen about it as she hadnt used it before but I got her to prescribe me 150mg a day initially then the next week up to 300mg a day. I felt wonderful, my anxiety levels were negligable, I wasnt getting stressed and I was able to go out without major panics it was gr8. I even managed to go out to Xmas dinner with my daughters boyfriends family something I could never have done before. It was great. Come New Year, I started feeling worse, and I had a lot of things happen to me which made my anxiety so much worse, the main one of which was the knowing that my ex was due out of prison that year. I am now pretty much housebound. I take my pregabalin as b4 but it only kept my anxiety down for and hour or so and I was in a state again. I am on a daily pick up for my meds, so have to get out to pick them up which as I am so used to I dont struggle too much and I have the hospital once a fortnight, but I have to get a taxi there as I just cant do the bus journey their as I just get in a real panic. I never told my key worker how bad as I was getting as I thought I could cope, but I am just getting worse and worse, so at my last appointment I told her what was going on and she has put me down for CBT which I know will help eventually, but its not an overnight cure. So in order to be able to live my life in any reasonable way I need to get my meds correct. Again I have turned to my friend, various forums etc to find out what is the best thing to do, and having reseached things in my opinion, as I am fine on Pregabalin and have no side effects, the obvious solution would be to put my dosage up until the CBT starts working. They even suggested putting up my Benzodiazapines, but I just dont want that, they are too addictive. Pregabalin I know is something that you have to come of gradually but you dont get addicted to them, so as and addict its a perfect solution and once the CBT starts to help I will be able to drop them gradually. I am just panicking mainly because I have to face the appointement today, but also because I know I am going to have a battle to have them put up. She seems to think that the pregabalin is causing the anxiety to get worse, but this makes no sense to me, as I have so many other things to deal with at the moment, I just need to top the dose up to keep me on a level so I can have at least a wee bit of quality of life until the therapy.
I thinks its due to the fact its a new drug and she is not confident that it is helping me, but surely I know my own body, I know that none of the anti depressants work, I have worked my way through the BNF on those, and I know that the pregabalin will calm me down, but as things have gotten so much worse at the moment, I just need a higher dose to help for a few months.
I am in a state this morning as I know its going to be difficult to get this sorted, she is an excellent psych but I sometimes feel that she doesnt listen to how I feel and realise that I am very aware of my own health, and the mistake I have made is not getting treated quicker. So basically aaarrrgggghhhhh. Its way to late to be expecting any advice from here now, but as I said I have to do something to keep my mind occupied while I am waiting to go.
Any advice just to see if anyone has had similar problems??
Did I say I have no side effects from the pregabalin, and the fact they arent working as well is because I think I have more things that are causing the anxiety so I just need help for this interim period. :weep:
Oh one thing it has done is helped my depression, although I get very anxious, I dont get anywhere near as depressed and they have totally stopped my migraines which because of the stress were a couple of times a week.
nomorepanic
03-03-11, 11:22
Hi SuziDusk
We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.
Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.
Hi, This is a really good post. I have enjoyed reading through it.
oOclaireOo
03-03-11, 12:47
hello suzi,
welcome to nmp :welcome:
i think you'll find great support/advice here.
good luck with your appointment & come back to let us know how you got on. best wishes,
claire :flowers:
Vanilla Sky
03-03-11, 14:28
Hi and welcome to NMP :welcome:
Paige x
Hi everyone, thanks for your welcome, and sorry I havent gotten back to you but have had yet more catastrophes rear their ugly heads, but will start with my appointment. I am used to attending the hospital but for some reason I got into a real pickle about it, as soon as I set foot out of the door the panic started and by the time I got there I was pretty much ready to take the flight option!! Still I had to go, and sense actually kicked in as I get my medication prescriptions from there so I really had no option. When I got there, I was lucky as there was a friend of mine there who I hadnt seen for a long time and my mind was taken off the impending appointment, and I found it bad for her but something of a relief for me to know that she too was suffering with symptoms similar to mine so it wasnt just me turning into a gibbering heap, it was actually happening to someone else. I fear for her as I see myself in her a few months back before I got to the stage I am at at the moment, she, like me says she can sort it out, but well I am the living proof that no matter how strong a person you are deep down, this is not always the case. But she is on the right track in seeing the Dr at an earlier stage than I did and hopefully will be OK. Anyway, I digress, I spoke to the Dr who I have know for many years, and got me through my recovery from my heroin addiction (did I mention this before sorry if I hadn't, but I am 4 years clean now, so its something that I never really think about anymore I have completely shut the thought of heroin out of my life as well as the people I was mixing with at the time too) and has been seeing me ever since, but as I think I mentioned I never told her or my key worker how my anxiety and panic was starting to make my life practically impossible to live and the only place I felt safe was at home, but as I had previously told my key worker about what was actually going on, she was aware of my problems and was very helpful and sympathetic. I have been referred to occupational therapy for the time being as the waiting list for CBT is pretty long and she feels that I will benefit from this. She also put up my Pregabalin to 450mg daily, which to be honest I was grateful for, but having had a number of panic attacks since I feel its not really enough, but I will be back up there a week on Thursday so hopefully we may be able to put it up as she seems now to realise that they are helping, its just the case of getting the dosage right and was happy to go with me on that one.
So, anyway here we are today. I have had a major league stressful weekend as I had a letter from the bank I was trying to open an account with as I am due to inherit a substantial sum from my Late Fathers will, and they refused to open the account and gave me no reasons for this. So you can imagine I was pretty much in a mess all weekend, as I was pretty much thinking that I was getting a cheque for a life changing sum and unable to do anything with it. I had no one to talk to about it, and it was just a nightmare, but with the help of my trusty computer and pestering my poor daughter, I got through it and had now sorted something out with another bank, arranged by the solicitor dealing with the will, so I can get an account. Oh just fyi, the reason I was unable to get an account despite the large sum I was opening the account, was because unbeknown to me my ex husband had got some items out of a catalogue he got in my name and hadnt paid for them. This was before he had gone to prison and was able to divert all letters and phone calls placing the blame on me, saying that I had left him and was in prison, which was ridiculous I was there at home gradually being destroyed by this dreadful person who has been pretty much the reason for me becoming a total mess from a confident, fun loving person with a good job and a lot of friends and specifically in this case one with a bad credit rating through no fault of mine!!. Obviously there is nothing that can be done with the credit issue as my ex is in prison anyway and it would always be a case of his word against mine, so I really dont want to put myself through all the things that would happen if i were to persue this, I just dont have the energy or the courage to do it, so as long as I can get my money in an account so I am able to improve my life money wise which is what my Father intended.
My problem now is that I have an appointment with my GP today to renew my sick note and for the first time in ages I slept really well and woke up at 8am with a start and immediately the panic started like someone had switched on a switch. I was in bed, basically unable to move, my breathing was difficult as I was unable to catch a proper breath, my hands were shaking like a leaf and I had to grip onto the covers like they were going to fly away. It was awful. I managed to take my medication and when I felt able to I tried to sort it out with the Dr so I could just have my sick note written as I was long term sick anyway, and my Daughter could have picked it up. But despite everything and I think the receptionist bless her felt terrible for me, but I do have to go, so I have to face a place I rarely go to, to see a Dr I have never met, and will have to go through the whole situation again, as my Dr I used to see who was brilliant has now left the practice so that makes things worse. I guess the fact I have no choice in the matter about going maybe doing me a favor, in some ways its just that I have not had any Therapy so I dont have any coping methods yet. I was told by the girl I was talking to last week that she tends just to put on her mp3 and just gets her head looking down and goes where she has to just listening to the music, so I intend to do that, my phone has a built in mp3 so at least I can try that, but right at this moment it doesnt seem to be helping. I know its just ridiculous, I have travelled practically round the world and held down jobs with a lot of responsibility but because of making a stupid mistake in marrying a man who gradually destroyed all my self confidence and has made me feel usless and unwanted, I am scared to even go to the Drs which is 5 mins walk away from my flat. I feel lonely, and that I am the only person in the world who feels this way which deep down I know is daft, but I cant help it. As I said I am a total mess and although I have now done the correct thing and sought help, until I get that help therapy wise, I just dont have the ability to face everyday situations, so does anyone have any suggestions that may have helped them?? Obviously too late for today although to keep my mind occupied before I have to go, I will look through the posts, to see if I can find anything that will help me as to be honest I havent had the time to look through the site but from what I have seen it is something that will hopefully become a great help to me. I just want my life to be normal again and not be scared to leave my flat and really not knowing the reason why I cant. I know what has caused me to feel like this, all the years of being beaten down, and crushed and being made to feel pretty much usless and basically made to stay in and not have any friends, as he isolated me from all the addicts he mixed with as he didnt want me to know the extent of his problems and my old friends as he was worried that they would make me realise what a waste of space he was and maybe make me wake up and smell the roses so to speak. OK I have made the first move in getting help, but to be honest I feel like a hopeless case right now - and I just want the old Suzi back, she had her faults, but she was much better than this gibbering mess that is sitting here talking to you now. I must warn you I do tend to write a lot, I am a writer, its something I do or did, I dont really have the inclination at the moment, but maybe my problems I have at the moment will be something I will be able to make use of if I get the inclination back. I intend to use part of the money to do another degree course in Creative Writing, with the Open University as I have a tale to tell, and maybe it will be of help to others once I am hopefully on the mend. So apologies for the length of my posts!!!
Hi Suzi,
I have been and probably will be again in the same place as you and have been for the last 20yrs due to lack of diagnosis. I am about to start CBT and found a really good website called selfhelp (just google CBT self help and it should turn up at the top of the list if not let me know and i will send the link). Just remember you are worth every minute of the time you breath air on this Earth... Take care...:D
Well, things just seem to get worse. I have spoken to a couple of ppl on the chat site about what happened to me yesterday, but I thought I would post about it, to show ppl how difficult it can be to be taken seriously. Firstly it would be best to say that I am an addict, I have been in recovery for 4 years and not touched any illegal drug or unprescribed drug in that time, but I am however still on methadone. I did start to detox last year, but I had a number of problems and I was advised to just stop for a while (I had already dropped 25ml) and then when things had improved carry on. Well, you will see from my posts that things have gotten worse, as I now have agoraphobia, GAD, panic attacks, pretty much all sorts of bad things, mainly resulting from my ex husband and his behaviour, but thats another story altogether. I just wanted to explain about my addiction as its part and parcel of what happened yesterday. I am unable to work, and I had to go to the Dr to get a sick note renewed. That in itself was a real problem as I rarely see the GP all my mental health issues are dealt with at the hospital and my physical health luckily is fine now I have finished with the menopause. So after a good chat in the chat room I put on my mp3 which I find helps if I do have to go out alone and got to the DR's I was in a bit of a panic already, but the receptionist knew of my problem and gave me a glass of water and sat me down and was very good with me. So in I go to the Dr who was someone I hadnt seen before as the Dr I always used to see had left. He was elderly and didnt look particularly happy to see me, but then I am not one to judge ppl on sight so I sat down and started to explain what I was there for. I really didnt get very far in talking to him before he realised I was on methadone and the last time I was at the surgery I had just started the detox and as there is no communication between the hospital and the surgery they had no notes about my condition. Well basically from then on it just went from bad to worse, he got it in his head as soon as he saw that I was an addict and labelled me as a lazy no hoper who didnt want to work and was using the symptoms I was trying to tell him about as an excuse not to work. I got a lecture about how I should take responsibility for my addiction and not use every excuse in the book and buck up my ideas and go back to work. I tried telling him that I was awaiting therapy from the hospital and I found it very hard to even leave my flat without becoming the gibbering heap that was sat before this ogre of a man. To cut a long story short he gave me a months sick note and said that I should start looking for a job, but I should come back to see one of the regular Doctors in a months time. That was it, he had in the space of around 10 mins written me off as a hopeless addict with no wish to live a proper life and I was just making up every excuse in the book to avoid doing so and trying to find work.
I said thank you, and left the room and went straight to the receptionist and told her what had happened, I was in a state she only had to look at me to see the mess I was in, and she asked for my sick note so she could speak to the practice manager about what had happened. It wasnt until then I actually saw what he had written on there as my diagnosis. He had put down that I was a methadone addict, and that was it. I was mortified. Yes, to all intents and purposes I am a methadone addict, but not through choice, I had tried my hardest to detox, but things had happened and I had had to stop, as I have explained but this wasnt the reason I wasnt working, as if it was and I was mentally healthy I would still work while on methadone, but as I am unable to leave the flat without getting into one heck of a lather and suffer random panic attacks, and have a tendency just to zone out at random moments because of the medication and the fact I just cant concentrate as I am constantly stressing over this that and the other, who on earth would employ me. I have tried to get work from home but other than Avon or Kleen eze which involves going out there is nothing available over here, and probably very much the same on the mainland.
So, that was my visit to the Dr, and I now have to go through it all again next month to get another sick note with another Dr, who I have no idea what their attitude will be. I have a hospital appointment next Thursday so I am going to ask them to write to the GP to explain my problems and hope that they will do this for me, as this has without wanting to sound overly dramatic, destroyed the work I have tried to do on myself over the last 4 years. No I havent relapsed, I would never do that, but despite my agoraphobia etc I still managed to keep cheerful when I was with my key worker or Psychiatrist and had a certain amount of hope for the future, but after this experience, I am just a wreck and I am ashamed to say that for the first time in about 6 years I have self harmed. I have cut all up the outside of my left arm and a bit on the inside too. I feel really stupid now having done it, but at the time it helped as I had something to focus the pain and helplessness on.
I went straight to bed having spoken to the CRT as my key worker and psych were not available and they talked me through my panic with breathing exercises and said that I should report the GP to the practice manager and the GMC. To be honest, I was in no fit state yesterday to do it, today I am very shaken still and I have been out with my daughter, just to do my shopping, as I live alone its just something I have to do and as long as she is with me I am Ok with it, mind you it wasnt easy, I think I probably have totally freaked the co op guy out as he was being particularly stupid and put all the heavy stuff in one bag and as I had to walk to get a taxi home it was obviously going to break, so I was very snappy with him I am ashamed to say, but I just couldnt help myself. I have been home about 2 hours and I am only really just calmed down now, though I ache from being so tense and I have a headache as I havent eaten since breakfast yesterday as my stomach just feels like anything other than liquid would just be rejected rapidly.
So sorry guys another of my novels, you are going to be banning me from posting, I did try and post something to try and advise someone earlier, but made a pigs ear out of that, and deleted it as I thought they had posted it in 2006 but that was the date they had joined as a realised after deleting it, so its time to unpack my shopping and try and eat something, not that there is any chance of me wasting away, I am not the smallest thing on the earth, but to be honest I dont think that not eating is going to do me any good at all
Sorry again for the novel, and will see you in the chat room probably tomorrow.
Suzi
:blush:
macc noodle
09-03-11, 15:15
Suzi
You could write a book ! Seriously though, you write so clearly and well about your experiences and I could feel your pain and frustration over the visit to the GP.
All too often GPs have written off sufferers with mental health issues before you even sit down, so I can only imagine how much faster they do it with "addicts" as you say.
Hope the shopping is away now - your right not eating is just not good for you - that's why I love my biccies :D
Jan
x
Hi Suzi :hugs:. I had an upsetting experience at the doc's yest and I wasn't even there for myself, just accompanying my husband, but I was made to feel dismissed and stupid. Still feel angry and having been feeling down all day. Have these people no empathy for what people have to live through? :mad: Make sure you see somebody else next time if you can and try not to let this judgemental @rse get to you xxx
Thanks for ur support and advice, I do love to write and once I am feeling up to it am going to so a OU degree in Creative Writing with the intention of writing a book, mind you, I am half way there already looking at the length of my posts.
I am feeling good today, I have a day when I only have to go to the chemist to pick up my script and I do that daily so I am used to it, so I feel really relaxed and stress free, its brilliant. Mind you I know I will have a bit of a panic before I go, but will just put on the mp3 and off I go and will be back in 15 mins, all done and dusted.
I am sorry you had such a dreadful experience when you went with your husband, Jane, I think it could be probably worse in some respects having someone talking like that so someone you love, and I seriously think its the old school Drs that seem to be the most judgemental in regards to mental illness as back in the day it was not really understood as well as it is now, and I dont think that they go to any refresher courses - I could be wrong on this, please correct me if I am wrong - the old way was just buck up and get on with it. But now things are different I think, or in my experience the new breed of Drs seem to have more knowledge of mental health issues and seem to have more empathy with sufferers. I have another appointment with a different GP on the 1st April (gr8 April fools day, hmmm didnt think of that one at the time) and I was advised to come in more often so I could get a rapport with them, so there was no more of the misunderstandings etc, but to be honest as I dont really have much reason to go to the GP and I am being treated by the hossie, I dont really like to take up appointments that could be used for those who really are ill, (a remnant of my having worked as a Dr's receptionist for a number of years I guess), but well will see what they have to say. Anyway, again thanks for ur support and thanks Jan for your comment. At least thats one person who has read my post and not nodded off half way through LOL.
Have a good day all
Suzi
:hugs:
Gosh suzi, your life has been a mess and very tough. But you have been strong to keep off drugs and disciplined with the methadone. You write fluently and you are talented, its great to hear that you are planning to write a book. Good luck to you.
I'm still awake Suzi lol. Glad you are feeling better today. Disappointingly, the doc we saw is usually quite helpful. I don't tend to class him as old school but he's prob about our age so I guess that is pretty old these days. Maybe something to do with the fact he was running 25 mins late when he called us in :rolleyes: Hope you have a good day :hugs:
Hi Suzi I have just read the part about seeing the old crow of a DR and to be honest i am fuming on your behalf. How dare he jump to those kinds of assumations!!!
I had a similar situation with my GP as i smoked alot of weed and i had to educate him on what weed was as he did not know!!
Thanks mohc I guess if I am honest, my life had not been tough up until the last 12 years, in fact far from it, it was really good and although I have suffered from depression on and off for as long as I can really remember, its not stopped me doing what I did and succeeded in most things. I have taken responsibility for my drug abuse, although if I hadnt met the man who introduced me to it at the age of 40 he didnt force it on me and I went in with my eyes open knowing about as much as most ppl know about heroin and its effects, but despite that, I still went ahead with it despite having worked in a Drs surgery, A and E and trained to be a Pharmacy Technician. I guess its just true what ppl say, and some dismiss as rubbish that no matter how much you think you know and your position in life, you can still get dragged in. Its not just for ppl who have no hope or are loser or wasters, it can happen to anyone. In fact I know of a GP, a solicitor and an architect who are addicted to heroin, so I rest my case. I would love to know why ppl do go down that road no matter what, having done a psychology degree its still not really answered my questions, although its given me an insight into it but there are different schools of thought on that one.
Anyway, compared to many I have had a pretty easy time up until my black years started and I am now still suffering from my stupidity, but hey, if there is one good thing that has come from it is that my kids would never even consider touching drugs as they have seen the mess its made my life. OH and just by the by, my kids were living with their Dad when I got involved with drugs I wanted them safe, so I moved off the Island and they went to their Dad they were 16 and 14. I still have immense guilt about this and I often think of my mess now as pay back, but fortunately we are back together now, and have a brilliant relationship with my daughter and a pretty good one with my son. And they would never touch drugs, so at least if nothing else my mistakes have made my kids into the wonderful ppl they are now. Yeah I am still paying the price, but at least I have that to make me feel better, and with the help of wonderful counsellors I have stayed off it for 4 years and wouldnt ever touch it again. In fact I rarely use anything unprescribed except paracetamol occasionally, I dont drink I dont smoke and I didnt use caffiene for ages up until recently, when I had a coffee in Costa's and enjoyed it so much I started using caffiene again, guess thats not too bad is it??? LOL :wacko:
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