Weekend Anxieties

[EmMaxwell]

I don't know if this is the right place to post this...
I've posted elsewhere about my boyfriend staying at his daughter's house on Saturday nights (she has seperation anxiety disorder so can't stay at our house, and it's only fair that he gets to see her for that bedtime/morning routine one night a week as he misses that since moving out) and I don't want him to stop. It's good for both of them and it'd be selfish to try and stop it happening. I never want to be the girlfriend who tried to take her boyfriend from his child. I don't want her to have any reason to resent me when she grows up.
My problem is I find it really hard to cope with. He goes to see her after school every day until her bedtime and that's fine. I can handle it. It's just the going to bed alone/waking up alone that I find so difficult. (My own seperation anxiety, I guess). It's out of my routine and makes me feel really lonely. I trust him completely and have NO problem with the fact that he is still friends with his ex - it's what's best for their child - so no paranoia comes into it. I just find myself feeling lonely and down all night. Sometimes there's not even a reason. I just start breaking down, having panic attacks, generally freaking out until he's home after her bedtime on Sunday night. Last Sunday I didn't get out of bed all day. I just lay in bed crying and trying to stop myself freaking out.
I don't want to be like this. It causes problems for him as he feels like to make one of us happy, he has to let the other one down - and I DON'T want him to ever feel that he's caught in the middle of us. I want us all to be on the same side, not two sides that he stands in the middle of. I can handle it on Saturday night until it's time to go to bed and then I break down. From Wednesday onwards I'm obsessing about how close the weekend is. Now it's Friday and I know I've only got one more night left and it gets me so down.
It's ridiculous. I know it's just ONE night. Slightly over 24 hours without him. That's nothing. We used to be in a long distance relationship and go weeks without seeing eachother. I know I CAN do it because I do it every single week. It shouldn't be out of my routine because it is a weekly thing. I hate that I'm not used to it by now - it's been this way for the 7 months we've lived together! I don't know what to do.

[EmMaxwell]

And I've discussed it with him on numerous occasions. Told him how I feel etc. The only solution we can come up with is that he just doesn't stay round there anymore but that isn't an option - it makes him and his daughter feel awful and I don't think it's fair. I don't want either of them to resent me or think I'm trying to interfere/control things. He feels terrible for how it makes me feel, but at the same time misses his daughter so much since moving out and just wants one morning a week where he can lay with her in the mornings etc like he used to (she's just 4). He moved out just before she started school and it's thought that all of that stress being put on her at once could be what started her seperation anxiety disorder - I just feel AWFUL for that. We can't bring her round here until she's okay with going to school because we don't want to pile pressure on her and give coming here a negative connotation. My family don't understand it as they haven't experienced that kind of anxiety but I know I have, and feel that people here would be able to understand the situation properly too. Not just the fact that he doesn't bring her here, which my family sees, but the emotions that are tied in to it. It's not that he doesn't want to - he says he can't wait until everything's settled and he can bring her round here to stay on Saturday nights - it's that it could be really damaging to her if he does.

[EmMaxwell]

He's gone now. I can't handle this.

[shinderuko]

Hey Em,
I don't know what to suggest to solve the problem as a whole but I think you need to distract yourself to get through the weekend.
Is there anyone you can invite round or go out with to take your mind off your boyfriend not being there?

[EmMaxwell]

Nope. Don't know anyone here. Am about to go and clean the kitchen. Hopefully take my mind off things.

[shinderuko]

I find having the radio on often helps when I'm home alone, it's a bit of a comfort.
Good luck with coping this weekend and you know where we all are if you need to talk :)

[EmMaxwell]

Thanks. I've tidied the house and am now listening to music and drawing for a while.
Wish the chat room would work for me - could do with logging on and having some constant chat to make the night fly by!
Dreading going to bed. That's the worst bit.

[shinderuko]

That would be handy if you could get onto it. I agree completely, when I'm home alone going to bed is horrible but try not too dwell on it too much. Like you said you've done it before, alot of times from what I gather, so why should tonight be any different?

[EmMaxwell]

Exactly - every time I do it, I just lay in bed crying and having panic attacks all night. I don't know why I hate it so much. I don't know why it gets me like this.

[shinderuko]

I don't know why being home alone gets me like that either as I've done it so many times now without anything happening to me.

[EmMaxwell]

Yeah, nothing happens to me, I just feel so alone. Feel like time slows right down and I have this feeling inside me like I've been abandoned. It's like my insides are screaming. That sounds so dramatic but it's true.

[shinderuko]

Try not to feel abandoned, easier said than done I know, because you know he's coming back and it's not too long now. You sound like you have a very understanding and lovely boyfriend by the way :)

[sarahblonde32]

What is that you are scared of? you should really relish the time your boyf is away...if you live together its pretty important that you get some time apart...do something for yourself...cook a nice meal that you really like?make a cake? have a bath with candles, put a dvd on, relax and just be you....its a shame you dont friends where you are?cant you get a friend from home to come and visit that night? or a relative?
I had similar problems with my ex, he had a little girl and as much as i liked her and understood that he had a child, i could never get my head around the idea of him being with her so often. i kept telling myself that i wasnt jealous of the time he was with her and like you, i definately accepted and understood his situation and that he needed to spend time with her, but it didnt make any difference to how i felt about him going to her, he would often have to cancel our plans cos he had to go babysit and i got so disappointed. in the end it broke us because i couldnt handle it. As selfish as i felt and i really regret it now, i just couldnt take it. Now, were still friends, he has to have her alot still and i still get a pang of something...but i really wish i could turn back the clock.

chin up, stick a girly film on or something...but dont let it get you down...
: )

sarah xx

[sarahblonde32]

make the most of having the bed to yourself....!! i used to cuddle a teddy at night..sounds daft at 30 something but i still do it...a comfort thing i guess!!

[EmMaxwell]

Thanks Sarah :) no option of getting a mate down to visit - I moved about 670 miles to live with my other half!!
He was so sweet when he left today. He said he hated to stay over because he missed me - I was actually shocked! Hadn't thought about him missing ME! Sat and had a sob while he cuddled me and stroked my hair, was really lovely. He said "I've really got to go now" and I cried harder but when he cuddled me I told him to just go, because the longer we drag it out the worse I'll be. He had such sadness in his eyes as he kissed me goodbye and once he got there (he always texts to let me know he's arrived safely) he said "I love you and I miss you so much already" which really made me feel a lot better.
I worry that we're going to argue, mostly. We barely even do, but I worry that if we argue, he can just stop texting me and I'll be alone and freaking out - when we're together, we can talk things over a lot better. I hate when he can't sleep, too. It's a lack of control. When he's at home and he can't sleep, I can tickle his back or stroke his hair until he starts to doze off. When he's there, he lays awake all night and I worry about him so much.
On top of that, I really just miss him. A lot. He's my best friend! We always snuggle up and watching something on 4od or bbc iplayer until we're tired, then chat and cuddle as we drift off. And he always wakes me up with a cuddle in the morning. Those are my favourite parts of the day and I don't get them anymore. Usually I spray his aftershave on his pillow and cuddle that!!! Even just watching TV or sitting on the laptop, I miss him!! If he was here he'd be sat next to me, we'd probably be on our laptops and not speaking much but every so often I'd get a little squeeze or kiss and it's nice just to know he's there.
I sound so bloody ridiculous!!
I try to turn it into a positive thing. Most women celebrate a night to themselves. I feel like a freak.

[EmMaxwell]

You sound like you have a very understanding and lovely boyfriend by the way :)

Thank you :) I really do. I'm very proud to be able to call him mine.

[shinderuko]

Aww I can understand why you would miss him. You should relish the quiet time to yourself though, like Sarah said, instead of looking upon it as a negative thing. My boyfriend's away visiting friends at their Uni for the next week and I'm starting to miss him, even though we only see each other once a week! So I understand it isn't easy.

[EmMaxwell]

That's the thing - we used to be in a long distance relationship and only saw eachother every three weeks or so, so I KNOW I can do it!! I think because back then I was in *my* bed with *my* things and now I'm in *our* bed where we are meant to be together, I find it harder to cope with.
Doing better than I usually do so far. Let's hope it continues. Still dreading bed time.

[shinderuko]

Good luck with tonight!

[EmMaxwell]

Thank you :)

[gaaron]

Hi EmMaxwell, somebody wrote earlier about making a cake...maybe doing something like that would be good. Wouldn't it be nice for your partner to come back to his woman and a lovely baked cake?! Yum yum

[EmMaxwell]

I actually bake cakes all the time LOL baked one just yesterday, using the last of our ingredients :P but yeah. I'll find something to do. :)