View Full Version : Posting success as part of recovery
Hi
I wanted to start posting any small success I have to aid recovery and remind myself of my progress.
I've been on 20mg of citalopram for 5 weeks and came from a quivering wreck to being quite relaxed and getting out and about, even joining the gym. This part of recovery was made by;
Continuing with a college course (very hard at first).
Taking short walks several times a day in the first few weeks.
Keeping social and talking to friends and family a lot.
Writing down all positives at first.
Formally relaxing once a day.
Forcing myself to spend time doing things I like.
Practicing strategies to stop general worry. (Tough as I don't realise I'm worrying most of the time!) Which includes saying -I'll worry later, that's just a worry I won't bother with it, or if it's persistant - I'll not worry for the next 10 seconds! ( I usually forget by then!)
Looking on this site at the symptoms to reassure myself that I was experiencing normal symptoms of an overactive nervous system.
Trying to remember that negative thoughts and feelings aren't permanent, and to leave them be. (I struggle with this)
So I guess todays success has been attending my first class at the gym - Tai Chi, I was nervous which would be normal for anyone, but I soon got into it.
Good luck all
Cathy
Update; 19/7/11
I am well and happy and feel like me again! I add this to give people hope that things can get really loads better for good! I have posted more to this effect in a post dated 19/7/11, but generally just know that I am proof that there is hope that we can be well and happy again.
Well done Cathy - sounds like you are working really hard at getting better and doing really well! :hugs:
Thank you Janec, your encouragement is most appreciated.
ZoWeeMcfly
05-03-11, 16:27
Well done ! It sounds like you have made amazing progress, keep it up, I hope you continue with thiis !
Thank you so much ZoWeeMcfly!
This starts off negative but only to illustrate how I transformed a situation by doing 'nothing'!
I've had a setback this weekend after a busy week (with period) which left me very tired and generally worrying and feeling grotty.
This morning I was doing much of the same and desperately trying to get myself out of it by not thinking, focusing on something else, being mindfull and other things recomended. But all of this was making me worse. In the end I was on the sofa watching John Kabat-Zinn on You Tube and getting frustrated because I was getting even more anxious especially as he was saying to stay with feelings and not trying to change them - but I wanted them gone! So a circle of thoughts started that went; 'I'm worrying again - feel bad - want it to stop - need to call mum - or the doc to increase medication (I'm on 20mg of cit) - I might have a breakdown - need to look at self help books - tell my husband how I feel etc'! But I didn't do any of these things because Iv'e done it all before for reassurance and it only works for a short time. Instead I stayed put, I carried on watching the video. The thoughts went round again and I felt even more anxious. I examined the feelings in a mindful way; yep, I was anxious, and the thoughts were more intense. Still I did nothing but felt the feelings of fear and sadness. Again I just let them be, did nothing, they got worse still, peaked and BOOM! they were gone. How weird is that! Turns out I was afraid of the feelings and all these years I have been trying to avoid them by doing all of the above, getting exhausted in the process. Only when I confronted them and said 'cummon then let's have a look at you' did they loose their power. I have used this method for agoraphobia and it worked a treat. But becoming exhausted with all the worry and subsequent anxiety caused a lot of relapses. I knew I was doing something wrong to keep the anxiety going but only today have I discoved that I was running away from feelings, even by misusing mindfulness as a distraction rather than a way of sitting with feelings in a non-judgmental way, to be able to look at them in a compasionate way instead of a threat. And it's the threat of something much worse happening as a consequence of the thoughts and feelings that I was really afraid of.
I still feel tired and grotty, but I've used lots of energy worrying and I can take the rest of the day to relax and watch a dvd, or read or sit in the sun - without worrying and without being afraid! Result! Tomorrow I will be recharged and feel better, but I don't need to think of tomorrow right now, just lunch and 'Bride Wars!!'
Have a happy day!
Cathy
I have had sucess in moving forward with this condition;
In the last few days I have made sure I spent time at college. I decided that my art degree enhances my life so much that it was well worth the on and off anxiety of getting and staying there for a few hours a day. Yes, this may keep my nervous system stimulated, which keeps general anxiety going, but that's why when I got home every day I ate lunch and did nothing taxing for the rest of the day. (Luckily my husband isn't working right now.) During the first hour of resting with a film I had many thoughts and feelings of anxiety and worry as my body wound down. But the adrenaline went away if I sought no reassurance (self help books, calling people etc.) and was mindfull. I was inspired by Tim Catophers book Stress Related Illness which I read last week that echoes Claire Weeks and what the wise people around me say, including the kind people on this site.
So I am working on the basis that I need to rest as much as possbile to rest the nervous system which I have found to be a fundamental method toward cure (been running too hot for too long - could only see that in hindsight), and do nothing when I'm anxious until it passes to prove to myself what I fear won't happen - this is working well. I have also been practicing being mindfull all day by staying in the here and now, as facing up to my fears and worries without doing anything is obviously producing more anxiety for now. Being mindfull has shown me that, unexpectedly, I am actually feeling fine most of the time and any distress is being caused by worrying about the past or future. And that when I am in actual distress and stay with it, I find I can cope with it and it goes soon if I leave it. = BIG SUCCESS!!!!
I see myself as being in a transitional period. Moving away from old habits and building confidence in myself. I feel a little flat without the stimulation of anxiety followed by the feel good factor of being reassured, therefore I am aware that I need to fill my time now with things I enjoy or simple activities - I am listening to the radio a lot! But, it is working. I know I will be okay, and after 18 years on and off I will finally walk away from irrational worry and anxiety and panic. I know old habbits will try to return in times of stress but if I remember the lessons I have learned this time around, one reason I am recording it here, I will be able to nip it in the bud - another very important skill to learn.
I see this as a bungee jump - I have to take the leap of faith and trust in myelf that I will be okay, so far my rope is in tact!
Hope your day will be a happy one.
Cathy X
Its great to hear positive news about anxiety. Well done to you:yesyes:.
Im on my fourth week on 10mg of citalopram and this week came back to work full-time, after being off for 3 weeks and have found it much easier to cope.
Previously I would have paniced when I had a "funny feeling", but now I think I have felt like this before and nothing bad happened to me and it passes.
I have days when i feel tired, but work have been really good and told me to take a break or go for a walk if I need to, so that all helps.
I think its important to recognise the success we have towards recovery, it may seem something small but they are all steps in the right direction.:yahoo:
Well done avasnana for you success! It's very rewarding when you do something you were nervous of and it wasn't as bad as you thought isn't it! Is this your first time on cit?
cathy
Thanks Cathy x
I've been on citilopram before and it worked well for me. Im about to increase from 10mg to 20mg, but think I'm gunn a do 15mg first then go to 20mg.
Well done, keep fighting and thanks for the positive post!
This morning I went for a very slow 25 min jog for the first time in months. It's something I enjoy periodically and always feel I should do more regularly as it makes such a difference to my mood for the rest of the day, as it did today. It was a success that I acted on the thought that I'd like to go instead of ruminating in bed.
Another success was remembering another thing I used to do that helped enormously and did today; when I notice (the difficult bit!) I'm worrying about something specific, I will label it worry and tell myself it doesn't matter what the content is, it's worry and I don't need it. Don't know why but this does seem to help me to stop the worry cycle.
One more success was that I started to feel anxious about feeling a little spacey lately and generally copeing, or not, with anxiety this evening as I became more tired. Instead of telling hubby to get some reassurance or symptom checking on the internet I got up and started clearing the kitchen instead. This allowed me to realise that I can still live a normal life even with unpleasant symptoms. This gave me a huge confidence boost and the symptoms receded.
I have always found it difficult to find a balance between the rest I need to calm the overstimulated nervous system, and engaging in more stimulating activities to keep my mood up. So I am optomistically treating this period of anxiety as a learning process that will give me skills to live an even better life than before anxiety, with more confidence in myself, and of course deal with relapses efficiently.
I want to add for my own future reference that a lot of what I am doing now is achieveable because I am further on in the recovery process.
I just remembered a couple of other things that helped me today to stay outside my head and keep me happy. One was thinking about what I like to do to fill leisure/relaxing time that prevents worry/rumination but more importantly give me pleasure and a sence of achievement, so for me this is hand sewing, and I got on with making a lavender cushion for mothers day. The second was getting into a board game with my sons after lunch.
As the weekend is a tricky time with lots of spare time I'm giving myself a pat on the back - literally, for trying to spend my time enjoyably and in ways that are not condusive to rumination and worry. This did happen but was kept to a minimum.
Hazel B I've just realised your picture looks a bit like me!
allergyphobia
14-03-11, 11:15
great to read cathy xx
Todays main success happened at about 11am at college. Basically I had a thought I didn't like and I felt anxious, weird and my legs were a bit weak. And I had the usual thoughts like 'can I stay here', 'why did I think that', 'I'm still not well', 'that's depressing' etc. I calmly went back to class as I was on the way back from the loo and thought 'I won't believe that negative thought', I carried on with what I was doing, ignoring it. I felt better soon and spent the rest of the day engrossed with my printing! I can believe a little more that I felt like that just because I was hungry or still had a little morning tiredness, anything rational other than the usual rubbish the chatterbox tells me. Although I am being kind to the chatterbox as it's interest is to protect me at the end of the day.
Getting to college was a success too as I am living with a tiny bit of spaceyness and in the morning it's worse, so getting out there driving to college is a challenge. I just carry on knowing that to sit at home would make me feel so very much worse as it would be stoping me from living my life and more importantly enjoying it! I dealt with it by reminding myself that I have felt like that a lot in the morning and it's just leftover brain fag while I'm still recovering. And most importantly I can tell myself that it is not impending madness or breakdown!
At the end of the day I was rushing to pick my son up from school after doing lots of great prints feeling like my old self; busy, productive and content.
I love that I just wrote that last sentence!
Todays success has been; in a lecture today I started feeing anxious about how I was feeling and if I'd be sick or freak out and I told myself - 'it's okay adrenaline I don't need you actually'. I didn't have a panic at all and I was able to concentrate on the lecture and forgot all about how I was feeling.
When I woke up from an afternoon nap I started worrying about how I was feeling and what I was thinking, I told myself that I needed to give myself time to wake up properly and had a drink of water while talking to hubby about the kids instead. Then I got up and went food shopping with him and I felt good which I didn't expect, a couple of treats helped like some new moisturiser, and a tiny portable radio that I can keep next to bed and take to college. It was only £5 and will be great in the morning when the worry cycle can start. I discovered lately that this worry can be eliminated by a radio show or some lively music and I got into listening to Chris Moyle's breaking the record for comic relief, it felt great to be part of something.This makes me wonder again about doing some voluntary work, but I don't feel 100% yet and it would be foolish to push myself and get worse again. I did this only the other week; It was half term and I was feeling so much better I decided as I always wanted to belong to the smart health club near by I would join. We got carried away and signed up the whole family for £180 a month! We cannot afford this really but as my husband agreed with me that it would be good for us as a family we did it anyway. A week later I was suffering a set back and getting back to college and school routine with the kids, plus the worry of coming up with this huge monthly payment caused us to reconsider. Luckily the family activities we were hoping to do were unavailable to us so we had a good case to cancel our contracts. All this made me worry about being bi-polar, but I spoke to others who though it was a good idea at the time so I've put it put of my mind! My expectations were too high which is another issue I am dealing with!
So a good range of successes I think!; small treats - always important for keeping spirits up, distraction from worry, enjoyable activities, dealing with errors of judgement quickly and seeing mistakes as a learning curve.
I just remembered another thing I'm trying to remember to do; after years of trying to get to the bottom of why I get anxious and some recent counselling, I am finding that I view the past in quite a negative way, blaming my parents for the way I am sometimes. I feel this has led me to focus far too much on negative memories and there are just as many if not more good memories that I need to remember. So I'm trying to do this. I am also trying not to wonder what my children will come up with in years to come about my parenting skills!!!!!
Short trip to Tescos this morning on my own for the first time in ages. I felt like going and instead of thinking about it at all I just went. This method has served me very well with going to college, as sometimes I have been all set to go - coat on and all - and ended up not after thinking about how I felt and what would happen. Staying home after this really dented my confidence and set off a whole chain of negative reactions. The first being proof to my 'I must keep me safe voice' that I shouldn't take risks, secondly the frustration that I'd let myself down and given in to anxiety, and thirdly that there must be something wrong with me which usually ended up with calling a helpline for reassurance. Then came the fear that tomorrow would be even more difficult as a result and that I'd missed a day of doing something I wanted to do that would have enhanced my life. So in hindsight sitting in a lecture theatre feeling nervous for a while followed by a sence of achievement and going home after having spoken to friends and feeling normal seems a far better option!
There is another crucial factor to all this which is tiredness. Tiredness robs me of the energy and will to take it all on, I know what to do and why, but some days I just haven't got the energy to face it. Here compassion comes into it and instead of beating myself up I am starting to take a breath and say; this was a day in which I needed to recharge - what can I do to care for myself, then the thought of eating a comfort food lunch (mash with boiled egg, cheese and sweetcorn or covent garden soup!) in my comfy clothes watching a film makes me feel much better. In the past I have had to force myself to do these things as my brain is usually still ruminating and being drawn like a magnet to websites, self help books and more reassurance asking 'how can I get out of this';
BY STOPPING! NOW SHUT THE LAPTOP AND DO WHAT YOU KNOW WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER!!! After the initial adrenaline goes away I find some peace.Then I can have faith that tomorrow will be different.
Rest and sleep - two of the most important components of recovery for me. (That and distraction from worry.) Much of my problem comes from flogging myself on and on and on not realising that I need to rest and calm down. I'm still working on recognising early signs.
So after all this rambling (I never mean to write so much!) I suppose the next success today is recognising I was tired this afternoon and having a nap. Afterwards I finally booked two nights away for the family during Easter in Cornwall. We'll stay at a travelodge and visit Tate St Ives! Something to look forward to at last! It's a small step to taking a trip to France (parents live there) by plane in June which I haven't booked yet as last year anxiety made it miserable. But I know I will.
Typical Monday feeling today the same as everyone else, but normally I would interpret these feelings in the wrong way and start ruminating. I was succesfull at not doing this too much today by carrying on with the normal routine.
Big success came from allowing hubby to drop me off and leave me at college as he needed the car. I started to worry last night about how I'd be when left without the safety of my car and I had to keep reminding myself that I can't worry about tomorrow, just stay in the now where I feel fine. This worked well, even though I had to do it a few times, and when morning came I was busy getting everyone ready and once at college forgot all about it.
So another confidence boost from taking a risk. And more practice at getting rid of worry.
Last night I fell asleep too early and woke up soon after with the thought 'what is life for anyway', I have had thoughts like this in an obsesional way in the past and usually get anxious and worry about them thinking that I should just be living life and enjoying it, or I must be depressed, which makes them have importance and come back more. On this occasion I spoke to hubby about it (which I try not to do as my confidence lessens if I rely on him to make me feel better.) But what he did was remind me that everyone thinks like this sometimes and are not skipping about having a lovely time all day oblivious to the fact that we'll die sometime and nobody knows what it's all about! Funny because I dealt with a similar thought earlier in the evening by thinking 'all these thoughts are fantasy, just thoughts, what is real is what is here in front of me right now'. That sorted me out and I felt happy simply reading my book enjoying the evening light of the bedroom waiting to put the kids to bed.
So, success in putting things in perspective, accepting things as they are, and knowing we're all dealing with the same issues. Being right here and now enjoying what ever is on offer, or doing something to make myself more comfortable (usually taking care of basic needs - hunger, comfort etc - as this is something I have neglected in the past, but makes a huge difference to how I feel.)
In the night the cat brought the third mouse into the house of the day, I think it was the same one cos hubby didn't take it far enough away! It was 5am and I was in danger of thinking and not sleeping. Thanks to the relaxation exercises I do I can now relax my whole body really quickly and I was soon asleep again.
Two successes before morning -result!
Well done Cathy, you're doing brilliantly :hugs:
allergyphobia
22-03-11, 16:56
well done cathy x
You sound like you are doing really well, Cathy!Well done! I am really enjoying reading your thread.:)
You will love the Tate in St Ives. I have been a few times. It is so interesting.
Hope you have a good, relaxing holiday in Cornwall!
Thanks PoppyC, I am really looking forward to Tate St Ives, even more so now you've said that!
Cathy
I've had a viral thing for the last few days, so my success has been to calm myself down to prevent anxiety/panic when driving on the school run and things seemed a bit unreal. I told myself that it was just the virus, I was still in complete control and if I ignored it I would feel better, and I did!
Other successes have been;
Being assertive with my son so that he now gets ready on time for school.
Asking hubby to help out when I felt I have reached my limit.
And in the last few days doing chores around the house so that it's quite tidy and clean around here apart from the bathroom which I hate doing! (It's been left for hubby to do lately as he's not working at the moment and I'm at college most of the day, but funnily enough he find's it more interesting to play pc games than notice the stairs need a hoover! Sometimes I wish I was like him!)
I've just had a book (Kiss and Tell - Fiona Walker) delivered (5 mins ago) that I've been waiting ages for! The last time she wrote about these charactors was years ago and I'm really excited to find out what happens to them and will be engrosed until it's finished! Great way to spend the weekend!
Just need to add another success today as I feel it is important because it's probably my main problem. I want to add that this is something I'm dealing with quite often and is made worse today because of the virus I've got and pmt!
I had a depressing thought I didn't like. Felt down and worried and a little scared. Had choices and poss outcomes;
1.Write down a thought record to get to the bottom of the thought, what I was afraid of, why, and to try and change it, or finding of core belief from it etc.
- Although extreemly tempting and very helpful for others, I know from past experence that for me this is the wrong thing for me to do. I don't really have any defining negative core beliefs about myself, and so all it does is keep the thought going, makes it more important, prevents me from doing something that might make me feel okay and happy again and make me withdraw from the family.
2.Talk to hubby about it as he makes me feel better.
- This takes the power away from myself to feel confident that I can deal with these thoughts.
3.Ignore it and read my book.
- Best so far but need to remind myself that I may feel a little sad for a while but the feeling and thought will recede into the past if I let it.
4.Look at a self help book.
- Again, done many times before, all it does for me is reassure me taking away my ability to reassure myself, filling my head with loads of things I 'could' do to help which is overwhelming, and again takes me off into my own world of 'there's something wrong with me that needs fixing'.
5.Post a question on here like 'is this a depressive or anxious thought and how should I deal with it'.
-Again this prolongs the experience, and I should reassure myself.
6.Let myself feel sad about the thought and do nothing, and see what happens.
- This is a good option that I can combine with getting on with something else.
7.Do something practical like housework to distract myself.
- I have found this to be a negative response as I have spent years trying to be busy to avoid negative emotions, and quite often the thoughts or feelings just stay with me as the activity is not engaging enough. I've ended up unhappy as I'm doing jobs all the time and very tired, causing stress and more worry and anxiety.
What I actually did was start to analyse the thought in my head and run through all the options as above. Whilst not ideal, at least I stopped focussing on the actual thought and realised that it was not the troubling thought that was the problem as it was probably a left over thought brought out by memory as I was obsessing over these thoughts before Christmas. No, the main issue of course is my reaction to the thought. Which makes it easier to deal with as I can see that the thought is connected to an irrational fear of - I'm not sure what, I can only guess - which then makes it easier to disregard it. It also helps to remember that everyone has these thoughts and don't find them an issue and so they go and are not a problem at all.
At the time my son was on Wii fit plus, and asked if I wanted to join in. Half of me had a strong urge to go to my bedroom to figure all this out, to get rid of the thought and make it alright so I can feel better, but I knew this would be futile and prolong the experience. So I said yes to my son and enjoyed my turn. The thought is no longer and issue and I feel okay. But more importantly I can remember the thought for what it was - irrelevant.
If I keep vigilant I will soon be dealing with these thoughts automatically, and they will come and go with only a moments effect on my mood. Then they will lessen and almost dissapear.
I feel I had a few really major successes yesterday; I'm still really ill with a virus - raw throat, sore chest & really tickly cough that's affecting sleep - and this would normally be a great time for worrying to get a foot in the door! It is rare that I will notice the tiny thoughs creaping in that would start me off. I am trying to be vigilant, although I don't remember the initial thought, it ended up with 'do I get anxiety because I am weak, or I'm strong but take on too much'. Now, at the time I am thinking about why I get like I do with a view to prevent it happening again. Looking back, I know that when I am very well I don't think about why or what if's, and I don't mind about what life is and why we're here, I am just living it and getting on quite nicely thank you. So as I stared asking my husband, Mum and Dad why I get anxiety I suddenly realised what I was doing. For me, any introspection of this kind is just fuel for worry and anxiety disguised as concern for keeping myself well. But all this does is make me think that there is something fundamentally wrong with me that needs fixing, and that I need to hurry up and work it out so that I never have to feel bad again. The first time I had anxiety I had had a lot going on in life and I can see how stress turned into anxiety. The mistake I made was that I then made it my life's mission to avoid it ever happening again, which caused it to happen again! This thinking and the lack of life skills that would keep me happy like doing what I enjoy (still practicing) and being assertive among other things keeps the cycle going. I need to live with uncertainty for a start, and this attitude, when I've remembered, has helped a great deal. As I can then believe that I'm not responsible for everthing or in control all the time. Yesterday as the thoughts were in the early stages I was able to stop and move onto something else.
Another worry I had to leave behind were about a possible extended family trip to France in June which if honest I don't want go on for reasons I've mentioned in another post. With this one I told myself 'I have a virus, I don't want to go right now but I may change my mind when I'm well so I can stop thinking about it now.' Again as I caught it early this worked.
And one more was money! I'm a full time student and my huband is out of work right now so having just worked out all out money for the next few months we know the budget. This is all good, and I quite enjoy sorting it all out, the trouble is I'll become obsessed with it and start thining of all the figures in my head which I did at bed time last night. In the end I got up and watched tv to quiet my mind which worked, but I was reminded that letting myself start to think about stimulating things isn't good at bedtime even though I like thinking about them!
I guess the main thing today is nipping things in the bud, which I feel I did very successfully yesrerday especially in my viral state and considering these have been deep seated habits for years and years!
Today I went to college and successfully came home having left my books there so I won't do any work over the weekend. This is good practice to keep my life balanced. I came home not long after I noticed I felt tired too, which is another challenge for me. When home I stopped myself after doing some chores at home and forced myself to lay in the sun listening to the radio. It took a while to wind down but I'm refreshed now!
I remember at college that I had some thoughts I didn't like left over from weeks ago, and I dealt with them by letting them pass, carrying on with what I was doing. This is working well so I must be quite well practised now and don't believe them any more YAY! Also I noticed I got them when I was hungry or getting tense or fed-up, so I could re-categorise them in my head as 'I'm uncomfortable and need to look after my basic needs' rather than 'there's something wrong with me'! Then I either relaxed, ate or changed what I was doing, and felt a lot better, and could decide what I wanted to do next.
In the last few days I have taken the decision to stop seeing the counsellor at college. I haven't seen her for a few weeks for one reason or another and I have been getting on so well using the different things I have learned to help myself. This is such a positive step as a few months ago I felt in such need of support (which she reminded me is very important to realise when to seek support.) I saw her for the last time yesterday and it was a positive end.
Working with her has been both difficult and revealing. She said some things and we went over some things that were hard to take. But I got through it all and have learned these things that I particularly remember;
+ To notice what I need to keep myself well, especially basic things that just mean I'm more comfortable. (I have learned how essential this is.)
+ Recognise and not underestimate the things I'm going through, or have been through in life that I have been strong enough to take but require me to take into account the effect it has on me. That I need to take even more care of myself on these occasions, seek practical support from family or friends like anyone else would, and know that it will pass. The counsellor made me realise how isolated I have been at the times I've needed people around me the most, but I have struggled along alone, indicating how strong I am when I need to be. She also said my vulnerabilities are part of my strengths and it's all what makes me me - I'm still thinking about that one!!
+ Realise I am not the scared 17 year old any more, I have evolved and have life experience and skills that I mustn't disregard. To add to that I can now give myself what that girl needed and take care of myself as the caring mother I am now; If I do it for my children I can do it for myself.
+ Remember that I need to practice looking outwardly, and that I like to 'do', I like to be active and sociable which was a revelation as I thought I needed to do the opposite to 'keep myself well'.
+ Which is another thing I can let go of - the constant activity of trying to prevent myself from getting anxious or unhappy or worried, which just brings it all on. ACCEPTANCE is the one thing that probably all self help an therapists will tell someone like me. And I have found it the hardest thing to practice as it feel like I'm gong against my need to protect myself. More importantly is the skill of noticing when acceptance is the way forward. This is the answer the counsellor helped me give myself yesterday when I was talking about dealing with feelings about being unhappy a few months ago - I don't need to find out why and how to stop it happening again, I can reflect and perhaps notice what was gong on in my life then, but more importantly I can accept the feelings were there and leave it behind. Which brings me to my next lesson;
+ Living with uncertainty. I can only deal with what is happening right now. I can't predict what will happen or how I will deal with it. It's liberating to tell myself that.
+ I have the same thoughts and feelings as everyone else on the planet. Everyone deals with these differently but we are all the same. This is reassuring.
+ Being assertive is more important that I though it was. So I try to remember that I am as important as anyone else on the planet.
+ Self-comfort or self-soothing. I didn't get this concept when she first mentioned it, I thought it was something babies did to get to sleep! But what has become apparent is that if I feel uncomfortable with anxiety or agoraphobia, I can make myself feel better and not just wait for it to pass; I can 'hold hands' with myself by resting my hands together. Or stroke my thumb against my hand or arm, in the same way that I'd comfort my children. I can say to myself, 'you're okay' or 'it's alright I'm here', which I have done a few times and feel such a calmness that I have faith in myself that I am strong and can look after myself. This seems to come from my 'core'. Or even mentally put my arm around myself like I would have done to the 17 year old me had the me I am now been there (this is getting complicated!!) Or a good one is to go though what nice things I'll do when I get home or finish the difficult task.
What I have learned myself is that I easily give my power to someone else and expect them to 'fix' me. I know now that not only do I not need fixing, I am able to deal with things if I give myself time to do so and not expect someone else to rescue me.
When life feels as though it is small and I ponder the point of it all, I like to remember that when things change as they always do as nothing in the universe stays the same, life feels like an ever expanding series or experiences and adventures. All I need to do is branch out just a little to feel a little better, maybe not at first, but if nothing else there is a small sense of achievement afterwards. Something has begun to change. Then life starts to open out and get bigger, more varied and interesting the more I do and take an interest outside of myself. I get braver and the more positive things I do the more colour there is in life. Then the dark and sludge colours are balanced out and seem less significant, and get smaller as I practice the habits of doing more things that make me happy, so that when I look at my life as a whole, I will see lots of different colours and the black doesn't stand out any more. If nothing else when I notice I'm in my head with negative imaginations, just looking around and noticing that I'm here where everything is actually okay helps loads.
Part of me is very aware that I am taking 20mg Citalopram and this has obviously helped me, but I feel that we are working together, that I have helped it work by believing in it and it has helped me in it's way, acting as a crutch to help me be able to think more calmly, and allow me to practice the skills I have learned. It has given me the space to relax and feel happier after worry seemed an ever present habit and anxiety was a battle I was having every day causing exhaustion and unhappiness.
In the future I will continue to do what I need to feel comfortable, happy or content and practice accepting when I'm not, and give myself a break when life is tough, use it as a excuse to be even nicer to myself, put my arm around me and ask myself what I need right now.
If I can get used to doing these things after 18 years of unhelpful habits then I may not need the medication any more, but it's no big deal if I do. I'll see what happens...
Excuse me while I give myself a little therapy session today! I'm trying to get to the bottom of something;
In the last few days I have been working hard at college, and work is encroaching into home time, lessening activities that relax me or are pleasurable. I have noticed that I will keep going even if I feel tired or hungry. I'm trying to figure out why I do this and think back to a possible belief that my needs are not important compared to what I'm doing or other people. I've noticed I do quite a lot of things when I don't really feel like it. Usually because I feel guilty, for example I have to take the kids out or they won't get any excercise even though I'm really tired. Or I'll keep going at college thinkng that I'll just carry on until I'm done so I won't have to go back to it later. This is all quite normal I suppose. Maybe it depends how often I do this and if it's normal
STOP!
I've just noticed I'm trying to figure it all out again. Lets look at the positives; I have been keeping an eye on myself and at least know what I need even if I don't do something about it strait away. Secondly, I'm obviously feeling tired at the end of a hard working week - the first since I was ill with a virus. I am worrying again that I'm going to get ill with anxiety again and worrying is pointless so I'll stop. All I can really do now is rest if I'm tired and only do what I want for a while, and carry on practicing noticing what my needs are and deal with them as they arrise.
I also want to log something about the diagram the counselor drew me in my last session with her. It was about the window of tolerance. At the top is high arousal (excitement, anxiety, panic, stress) and at the bottom - low arousal (a swiching off from things, taking a step back, feeling numb - I don't recognise this as I don't think I do this.) So, I need to regulate myself so that I keep returning to the window of tolerance or safety, where I feel alright - calm , quite happy, okay. The idea is that I push the lines outwards increasing the size of the window of tollerance, thereby feeling more comfotable with more circumstances in life. It works well for agoraphbia too. I like to have a picture in mind of the window as it makes it easier to remember what I'm doing and why. I'm going to look into this more.
loved reading this, has been really helpful x good luck and keep writing it is inspiring! Sue
I've now spent a while researching the window of tollerance and how to fix it.
All this has done is, yet again, make me feel as though I have something wrong with me that if not fixed with cause me to continue suffering with unhapiness or anxiety. I became more worried and even considered getting a book that would have carried this on! This is no good. I started to read about it to improve myself and feel better and it's had the opposite effect. I'm more tired and grumpy than when I started, I've been up for two hours and haven't had breakfast, so I'm neglecting myself in favour of dwelling on how to fix myself. My mission this morning was to relax and do things that make me happy and the opposite had occurred.
Any focussing on myself appart from noticing what I need right now and doing what I need to make me happy right now, is not good for me.
I'm going to eat my burnt porridge now, and sit in the sun and when I have the energy take my sons to the park!
Sue
Thanks so much for saying that Sue. Even though I'm mostly writing this for me to get and stay better, I'm really happy you find it helpful, it's given me a boost and reassures me that I'm doing something right!
Cathy
Today I re-read some of the posts I've made here and realised the success I've had with some of the methods I'm using. These have made me feel so much better now than when I first started posting. I didn't realise until now that I don't feel as tired, and negative thoughts are much less frequent. I haven't felt anxious lately and I notice when I worry and can stop it. It's easy to go to college now and I feel relaxed when I'm there. The evenings are pleasant and free from rumination and negativity. When I wake up in the morning I will think about my art work unsually and hardly ever worry about anything or feel down. Today as it's Sunday I let myself sleep on and off until 10am. This is a great sign for me as it means I must be relaxed generally and I am giving myself what I need to stay well. (Hubby had a lay in yest. so it was his turn to get up with the kids.) Also I did lot's of hand sewing yesterday which I really enjoyed - I adjusted some tops so they're less tight around the thigh so I'll wear them more.
I almost forgot - I went out with hubby on Thursday night. I made an effort and wore nice clothes and did my hair and makeup. We only had enough money for a coffee and we ended up at his sisters house for a good chat. Lots of successes there, I felt great and we both had a good time.
After yesterdays thing about the window of tollerance I have to admit that I was bored in the afternoon and watched the guy who wrote about it on youtube. Basically he said to practice being mindful, even 10 mins a day of mindful meditation (noticing your breath (as an example) and coming back to it over and over when the mind wanders while acknowledging it's wandering is normal) is beneficial. Also social interaction and close relationships are essential as well as pausing before reacting to something. I'm now feeling satisfied that I'm trying to practice these things already!
I think the idea is that if a person reacts quickly and in an extreem way to feelings/thought/situations etc, either with high arrousal (anxiety) or low arrousal (shutting down) much of the time, their window is small and they often come out of it. When in the window a person will feel good about them selves, they feel they can cope well, feel confident in their abilities, and take on challenges. They get that feeling we get when life feels good for us. By using the techniques this guy Siegal mentions, we will be better able to notice what we're thinking and feeling and have time to rationalise and calm ourselves, thus bringing ourselves quickly back into our window. As we practice this the window gets bigger as we may not react as we once did and feel more comfortable and in control in those circumstances more of the time. If anyone reads this and thinks I've misunderstood please correct me immediately! I feel better now I've clarified this for myself, and am not worried that I'm not doing something I should be!
One last thing; I am trying to remember not to think - what can I do not to feel bad, but - what can I do to feel good. Weekends are difficult for me as there is no structure and I have to make an effort!
You're doing well, keep it up! Stay busy at weekends if you can. :D
If you look like my picture, I'm very jealous, would love to have purple hair but my job is too corporate!
I started sewing and adjusting my clothes this weekend, it is a great distraction, time flies by and keeps me busy. I lost weight with anxiety and wanted my summer clothes to fit me!
Hi Cathy
I've just read your post for the first time and all the way through it I was thinking 'wow this is amazing and wow you are amazing for really taking control of your life'.
You should be very proud of yourself xx
Hi Hazel, am I going mad or did you change your picture. I thought it was of a brown haired girl with glasses, 'cos thats what I look like! Would I like purple hair? Maybe, I am starting to go grey, and art school is the perfect place for it!
Thanks for your support. Hope your clothes look great!
Cathy
Aaah, I did change my picture, the previous one was as you describe, dark hair and glasses!
Thanks for this post, it's so good to read positive stories, keep fighting!:D
Hi Kelly
Thanks so much for such a positive message! It means alot.
Cathy X
No problem Cathy-I honestly meant what I said.
It is so great to see stories that show if you keep trying no matter how hard it is then you really can get there in the end.
x
We're getting ready to go to St Ives tomorrow, so todays success has been to notice when I'm getting stressed and a step outside the 'window of tolerance' and taking time out to 'regulate'. I did this by laying on the bed, closing my eyes and noticing my breathing for a few minutes. Then I felt like reading, then I got up and felt much better!
I'm looking forward to all the successes I can write when I return!
Have a good trip and I look forward to an update.:D
Hi cathy, could you give me the link for the John Kabat Zinn YouTube video as u can only find the google one. I have heard a lot of good things about mindfulness but can't find anything useful!!
Your story is truly inspiring, im in a bit of a crap place at the mo, but know I will get there!!
Hi ames,
Thank you for your kind message.
I think it is a google thing, the links for the two I've seen are;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSU8ftmmhmw and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nwwKbM_vJc.
I learned a lot more about it from this book;The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness (includes Guided Meditation Practices CD) (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindful-Way-Through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1302558931&sr=8-1) by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal and Jon Kabat-Zinn (Paperback - 21 Jun 2007) from Amazon. It's in the library too.
Not sure if you want this but the one sort of about the window of tolerance is;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gr4Od7kqDT8
Your attitude 'but I know I will get there!!' is one we share. It doesn't feel like it sometimes but then I'll remind myself of the progress I've made. Even the relapse before Christmas was nothing compared to the one I had 6 years ago. I was able to seek the help I needed and put everything I'd learned into practice again. And it all worked! The more I deal with it the better I get and the more of a full and positive life I'm living. Worry, anxiety and difficult feelings are put into perspective; something everyone gets, they come and go if I let them and they don't have to overwhelm me.
Good luck ames!
Cathy X
The holiday to Cornwall was a success! Full of many small successes. I admit that I was thinking about coming home on the first night because myself and son were suffering with hay fever and couldn't sleep. But once I got to the Tate the next day the holiday truly begun and we had a great time. We even stayed 3 nights longer than planned.
There was a challenging bit at the Tin Mine, when we went down a mining tunnel that was just wide enough to walk through and was very dark. I had tried to prepair by telling myself 'how bad can it be it's only for tourists' and 'I'll regret it if I don't go - I want to join in with the family' and 'I'll feel good once I've done it'. Well, on entering and discovering it to be worse than I thought, I held my husbands hand tightly and said quietly; "I don't think I can do this!" But I let the initial shock of anxiety pass, and carried on walking thinking 'I know how to deal with a panic attack and that's all I'm afraid of', 'it won't be long before we're out again' and 'just keep walking, you'll be okay!'. I very soon calmed down and after getting used to the dark and hitting my helmet incased head on the low parts a few times I was soon out again and wondered what he point of it was! This was a big achievement for me, as I may have in the past, either not gone in or been completely exhausted afterwards with the effort of getting through the extreem anxiety.
When I got tired, as we did lots more walking than usual, I accepted low moods and they soon passed.
We took a boat out to St Michaels Mount which I was nervous about, but went for it and really enjoyed it!
Now I'm back I feel great and will be booking a trip to France soon!
HELLO CONFIDENCE!! Welcome back!
I've really been trying to notice when I need to tend to my basic needs and am doing well. All the fun of the holiday has really lifted my spirits.
Another thing I've been trying to do lately is when I'm going to sleep I try to remember all the good things that happened that day.
Hi Cathy,
I love this thread ...really find it uplifting.
was very low tonight and agitated weepy .......................but feel better after reading this
thank you ..................you are doing amazing :)
Hi Snowgoose
Thanks for your kind message, it's great that my experience made a little difference. I hope you feel better today.
Cathy X
There are a couple more things I've been remembering that are helping me. One has helped me a lot and it's a tip my friend told me from Paul McKenna I can make you thin book, it was to only tackle things if you feel 100%. I know that in the past I have spent most of the time running on nervous energy. I notice that a lot of other people will do things slower or do one chore in a day where I would do many. Of course nervous energy is feeding anxiety! I though it was because I liked to be busy but really I was so used to that pace that I thought it was normal. Anyway, that tip causes me to stop and think about how I feel before I rush to the shop or start a difficult essay or whatever. I can ask myself - can this wait and do I feel 100% - not with anxiety as I'm doing well with that, just basic needs again. Yesterday I'd had a busy day and instead of tidying my really messy house, had a lay on the bed and read. I felt a little guilty, but after a while I felt refreshed and did the jobs happily. I'm trying to regulate myself, keeping myself happy and well as much as possible, I've been asking myself why I feel the need to push myself. When I think about it that way I am starting to realise that my reasons are outdated. I can stop now and be happy and relax.
What's the other one? I can't remember! I'll write it when I remember!
I wanted to write today to simply say that as far as anxiety is going I'm getting along well. I feel like the strategies I have been using are working so well that I am not even needing to use them much anymore, either that or I don't notice when I do use them. I haven't been anxious for ages. No panic's and no worry that I can recall. I am doing well in giving myself what I need to be relaxed, and comfortable, and as happy as the next person.
Each day there might be a small but 'normal' issue I need to deal with like being tired through lack of sleep, having pmt, or spring hay fever, and I feel like I'm dealing with these for what they are instead of contributing feeling a little down to depression or anxiety, thereby making it worse and prolonging it. I can tell myself I'll feel better in a while and get on with the day and do feel back to a normal level of contentment again soon. Yesterday for instance, I was feeling grotty in the morning and so took it easy, I said to myself 'what do I feel and what do I need'. Well basically I felt tired and needed to rest, and a little grumpy so listened to some music and painted my toe nails green and sparkly to lift my mood! We visited my sister in law and partner for bbq at their house, and we had such a good time we stayed for the rest of the day. I was able to ignore habitual worries about old food phobia's and was not affected at all. We all took a walk without me being worried about how far I was from their house. I tried to relax and be myself socially and was easily able to do that. It was a really great day.
I'm at the stage where I'm not really thinking about what I'm doing much I'm just living life and enjoying it. I've been making some homemade birthday cards which has been fun, it's something I can pick up & put down to prevent boredom.
Another aspect is dealing with issues not from an anxious point of view, which was my default setting in every troubling situation, but realising that it might just be that I don't want to do something. I know that from all my experience of facing up to fears, and the fact that I am feeling strong right now, I am able to do anything that I want even if it makes me feel scared. Anxiety doesn't stop me. And so picking my battles is a skill I'm learning. I'm specifically thinking about a yearly family holiday to France. Basically I don't want to go this year, for many reasons, and the only reason I feel I should go is down to a sense of duty - one my parents haven't shared as they've only been back here once since they moved there 5 years ago. I'm 40 two weeks before the holiday that my brothers and families have already booked, and I'd rather spend what little money we have on doing something we want to do. To be free and in peace. It's okay to be selfish sometimes, isn't it?
I guess I'm at the stage where I'm out of the tension and misery of worry and anxiety and am trying hard to put helpfull habits in place that will keep me within normal levels of these without becoming overwhelmed, exhausted or depressed with them.
In order to do this I have to know myself and act in my best interests first. I know I will always be kind and thoughful, and make sure I'm fair and that others are okay, feel heard, understood and loved. I'll still have these qualities if I make my life happy first. I've been studying others that do this and deal with life well, and now I'm learning how. Finally!
I'm exctied to write this next lot of successes because I feel like I have recognised the beginings of what causes problems for me.
This week has been the lead up to a few major things happening next week; two college deadlines (one is a presentation - horrid!), pmt, and my young son going on a school trip to France. Also this house is a mess as always and I've had hay fever and therefore haven't been sleeping well.
The first success is that I have noticed changes in me that signify the beginings of, whatever can I call it? - stress? It comprises of negative thinking, unwanted thoughts, overthinking, tiredness, dissorganisation, frustration, ignoring basic needs, overworking, overplanning, making unrealistic lists of things to do, getting too excitable, and a tiny little anxiety once in the night - I think that's all! It's all been building up and this morning, after a lively conversation with my husband about trying to reach a conclusion about my art and the art world in gereral - big things of which there is no conclusion - I realised just what I was doing. It sounds simple but it was a revalation to me as the words I said to my husband came out of my mouth; 'there's so many things to do, I need help, I feel overwhelmed, it's all in my head at once.'
Only then did I see what was happening and how I was habitually and uncessucsessfully dealing with stress. I could see that I was trying to 'solve' something unconnected to the thoughts and emotions that were overwhelmng me. Ones that I couldn't get rid of or solve right now and to feel like I was doing something that made me feel in control. I have used this unhelpful strategy for years without realising it was making things worse until the last few years, and then gradually weaing myself off!
Only then could I put in place the strategies that may help;
1. I named the problem - ' I'm overwhelmed - everything is in my head at once.'
2. Acknowledging that I am nervous about my son going away, it isn't nice but I have to accept it, just like most of the other mums. And also accepting that the deadlines will make me feel tense, just the same as everyone else in my class. Feel it all and carry on.
3. I told myself 'I need to concentrate on one thing at a time.' Saying it all out loud seems to make a difference to me, my voice focusses my concentration. I literally said out loud the names of the clothes I was finding to get dressed! Sounds crazy!!
4. I noticed myself getting back into the world and out of my head by seeing properly what was in front of me as I walked up the stairs.
Then I got all excited and had to come and write it all here!! So this is the stage I am at now.
We've a really busy day as it's the last day to get certain things done before the deadlines and trips. So I've made a list. I've got ready, eaten well and am hydrated. I will try to concentrate only on what I am doing, repeating phrases of what I'm supposed to be doing to myself when I notice I'm worrying about something else. I'll try to have a relaxed floppy body throught the day, and carry water. I'll rest when ever I can and do absolutely nothing ( I have a habit of - 'I'll just pick this book up while I'm resting and read a bit more for the essay!) -NO YOU WON'T! , and, reluctantly get some early nights!
I'll see how that works out! The aim is to get some of what I need to get done, done. The not feel completely exhausted at the end of the week. To have attended to all my basic needs. Take frequent breaks. Keep concentrating on one thing at a time, keeping in mind a prioity of things to be done. And remember that my son will be home again soon, I've aleady done enough to pass my project and the rest is just to increase my grade, and the presentation is just a necessary evil everone has to go through!
Appologies for any errors in this, I'm in a rush to get going!
Thanks for your posts Cathy they are a huge help
That's groovy, thanks Elen!
Yesterday went well. I felt relaxed as we went through the to do list. There were things that weren't done but I didn't worry about it, as I know I did my best. I even went to bed early! I woke in the night and nearly started worrying about an unwanted thought, but I started to observe myself. This allowed me to detach myself from the thoughts and noticed that all I was doing was following a habit of thought that I had from ages ago that were triggered by a feeling I had. The feeling itself was harmless, and unworthy of the importance I placed on it. I soon fell asleep again.
Today is another challenge, but I have my realistic list of things to do in priority. Also I have worked out with my husband who will do what, so I don't feel it's all down to me and we're organised. My husband is really helpful but I forget to ask for help sometimes and get all flustered. I've learned how important it is to be clear and calm when asking for help.
It is the end of a long and eventful week. My Son went and returned from a school trip to France, I missed him very much and am so glad to have him safely home again. My success in this instance was feeling the feelings, not trying to dismiss them and letting worrying thoughts pass. I noticed when I was starting to think negatively, and realised I was feeling a little down so it passed quickly.
I survived a 15 min presentation successfully - it wasn't brilliant but I did what I needed to pass. It is a requirement of the course that carries few marks and I kept this in perspective so I wasn't to nervous or wasted too much time on it. I also successfully made my art project deadline and produced some successfull work. I achieved this by being organised with my time and getting in early which is the way I've found best for me. I did carry on when tired and hungry sometimes and felt I should have gone home earlier some days, but I guess that's what most people do when there's a deadline so I won't beat myself up for doing something wrong. To be expected I've been feeling more tired and have had some stress that has manifested itself in some unwanted obsessional type thoughts. I have dealt with these better sometimes than others. I haven't reverted back to old unhelpful ways which is a success for me. I haven't asked my husband or mother for reasurance either. I have been trying to remember why I'm tired and a little stressed. Someone once said 'stress gets you at your weak spot', so instead of worrying about why I feel or think the way I do, I try to isolate it as stress and do my best to neutralise the stress and accept it all knowing it'll all pass.
I was really intersted when a friend told me about feeling really anxious when she was prepairing for a difficult interview. Because she doesn't have a problem with anxiety normally, she carried on as normal without worrying about how she was feeling and a few days after the interview she was fine again. It made me realise that my 'normal' in the past was running too fast (as I've said before) so I would usually be anxious, worried and stressed. Plus I always wonder what Citalopram does for me and what I need to do to feel okay without it. I've learned over the years that the answer is more complicated than I thought and requires change in quite a few areas. I think I'm a good way there, I just need to repeat the new things for long enough for them to be my new habit. The hard thing was that the strategies can be learned, but at the end of the day everone has slightly different things to apply them to. I made the mistake for ages thinking that all it would take is for someone to realise what's wrong with me exactly and tell me my own special step by step plan to be happy again. It sounds silly as I write it but this is what I thought. Now I know otherwise I am having more success and am relying on me which has greatly improved my confidence. It was a scary realisation at first, I felt vulnerable and alone. But now I feel I can stand on my own two feet, and that has made me feel much happier.
During this week I've been examining, when it happens, why I feel the need to push myself to get the best marks regardless of my basic needs. I got top marks for my last course, but at great cost. I did nothing but work. I worked past my energy threashold over and over again. I didn't do things I enjoyed, or take time out to relax, or enjoy time with my family. All that mattered was the grade. As a result I wasn't enjoying myself while I made the art, or life in general. Even after getting the grade I wanted I wondered if it was all worth it, I suppose I was valuing myself in relation to my achievements which is obviously wrong! Perfectionistic tendancies stop me doing things as I know I will put so much effort into it, but if I start doing something I really want to do I expect a heck of a lot from myself. The only things I truly care about are my family and now art. And I usually feel I'm not doing well enough in both! It's taken me till I'm 40 to finally be doing the art degree as I didn't feel good enough before. I'm rambling. Basically I'm trying to remember what I really want which is the usual - enjoy spending time with my family, art, and myself whenever I have the oportunity. I'm trying to notice when I am doing these things, even if it's just a moment I've shared with someone that was special, even if it was that I was more patient with someone. Even if it was noticing that I was lost in a moment whilst painting or sculpting.
Ramble over!
One more thing! Trying to please other people is a fruitless task isn't it! I'm trying not to do that anymore! The times I've worried about what total strangers think is ridiculous. As my 12 year old now says - 'you won't see them ever again!'.
Sucesses for this week include;
+ Not getting too stressed about an essay draft, but doing my best and asking for the help I need with it (academia is not my strong point!)
+ Getting an A for my last project, which I achieved by being in college at the times I'd set myself, a bit more organisation and doing rather than thinking about doing!
+ I got a B for my presentation.
+ Family & me went to Pallant House Gallery in Chichester after quite a stressful day yesterday evening, and I coped well by conciously relaxing my body on the way there. I had zero anxiety during the whole thing, and enjoyed it - when the kids weren't complaining of boredom and hunger! And I didn't feel guilty feeding them junk food on the way home!
+ I got the children out the door and off to school on time today after we all got up late!
+ Another main success is that I walked to the school to collect the children the other day with hubby and enjoyed it! The school run has always been extreemly anxiety provoking with agoraphobia. Some days I would find it almost impossible to drive the 2 mins round the corner to get them. It had become a deeply ingrained thing in my mind, so even if I was feeling okay memory would kick in and start off a chain reaction. Some days I would worry about the school run from lunchtime. The afternoon was worse because I was more tired and had time to think about it, as opposed to the morning rush. That was when it was at it's worse, but at a good point after I'd worked on the list of feared situations they tell you to do, I achieved walking to school alone with only my keys in my hand. So I know it can be done. The reason I feel I ended up fearful of it again was stress related to dealing with my parents moving abroad. I wasn't assertive enough about my limits or basic needs, not even realising what they were in fact, and not asking for help with it all. So good, I know where I went wrong, and now I'm at the stage I'm at, I'm better equiped to keep anxiety and agoraphobia in it's place.
+ Success as far as thinking goes - As this is a stressful time at college with lots of dealines, when I notice I'm starting to think about how I feel and wondering if I'll panic, I think to myself 'there's no need for that, I'm not in any danger', and as I'm not running too hot at the moment it works and I relax. When I was running too hot the chain rection in my head would be too quick and I'd be extreemly anxious strait away.
+ Last one! Keping in perspective (on and off!!!!) that getting this degree is only part of my life. It is good enough to do my best whilst looking after myself and not overdoing it. Grades aren't important, enjoying it and passing is.
I think it is important to note at this stage of a stressful time at college that I am balancing things out with relaxing activities, and keeping things in perspective.
Things are going well. I did start to get the old anxious thoughts that came just from habit at a stressful time. But from all I've learned, I was able to remind myself why it's a stressful time, know it'll be over soon, and look forward to life after! Having a laugh with hubby helped, and a good escapist action film perked me up no end!
I've been trying hard every day to get to grips with an essay for college. It's been really hard going as I'm not used to writing on this level. I've been feeling myself get more and more tired and I've felt pressured in a few different areas.
I have had a few successes during the last few days:
In the afternoon I let myself lay on the sofa, after which I feel I have some energy again.
I've been getting a few depressing thoughts which I have acnowledged and quickly moved on from, often thinking myself round to a different perspective. When I successfully do this I actually pat myself on the back! After all, thoughts are just thoughts, they don't mean anything, it's just memory from when I felt exhausted with anxiety. The quicker I disregard those random thoughts the less time it takes from my life. I might get a random thought but I can choose what I think after it. Also I felt quite down for a little time the other day, and instead of worrying about why and trying to get out of it, I let myself feel it, I wasn't afraid, and after a moan about all the things that were bothering me - not including how I was feeling, we were watching an engaging film and I felt back to normal.
Probably the best and most beneficial success has been to ask for help from learning support. My muddled thoughts are now clarrified and I have had confirmation that I'm doing okay, enabling me to feel confident and enthused again.
Usually I would have felt the stress and tiredness and worried about 'getting like I was'. But I've manged to keep believing that I am suffering the same stress that eveyone else has, and when I'm walking around in a daze, have a terrible memory, and can't think strait, I can believe there's nothing seriously wrong with me! Brain fag as Claire Weekes would call it. And now, I label it that too, and it enables me to not go down the road that leads to worry and anxiety.
Keeping myself cheered up, I watch fun stuff on tv, and cuddle the children and husband as much as possible! Just concentrating on them and spending time to have a proper conversation restores me.
There's been a couple of times that I've been assertive, with myself especially, in not doing things I don't really want to do. For instance going to the cinema to watch to another animation with hubby and the kids was something I felt obligated to join in with, but I didn't really want to go, I get a bit bored, so I stayed home to rest instead, without feeling guilty! When they came home we did something fun together.
I think that's all my successes lately, I seem to repeatedly write the same successes, but these are the things I'm working on most and need to achnowledge here as a reward, and to remind myself how I stay well! Speaking of rewards, a few chocolates help with the studying! I give myself a treat after every goal achieved. This may be a bad idea in the long run, but it won't be for long!!
Big success this morning as I've finnished all my written work for college!
It has been a really stressful time for me and I've learned a lot about myself; mainly that I can't stand it when I don't know what I'm doing properly - it's like pulling teeth to get work done if I feel like that! It gets me really down. I had to practice getting on with it without knowing how it will turn out, and telling myself 'it isn't perfect, but it's good enough'. Being 'good enough' is something I've been working on for agas and I find it hard to not have to go for the highest grade in college even though it puts me through a great deal of stress and I become obsessed, especially as I've never been great at written work. Consequently I have been really bad lately at balacing my life and keeping happy, doing far more research than I need to and spending evenings and weekends doing it. So the main success happened yesterday when I realised I just had to get on with it and whatever I end up with will just have to be good enough because my mental health is far more important and I want my life back! Putting things back into perspective - I don't need an excellent grade - I just need to pass - I'm not perfect - I am good enough. My value does not depend on how successful I am academically, or what others think of me.
Speaking of what others think; I had a successfull night the other night at a get together at a friends house; I'm usually self concious, uncomfortable and quiet, which makes it a boring night for me. Actually sometimes I cancel because I don't want to cope with it all. So the first success was going! And I told myself I'm just as good as anybody else and if they don't like me when I'm being myself then that's fine. So I was more talkative, relaxed and enjoyed myself. I think they still like me!!!
I just want to add that even though this was a difficult time, I didn't have a relapse, I kept my eye on the end, knowing I will feel lots better when it's over and that helped me throught it. This is a success as I would have normally overreacted and expected to spiral into anxiety and worry. I did think about it, but kept things on perspective.
One more thing I need to remember - It's okay to feel stressed and it's okay to feel down, these are normal and temporary states to be in under the circumstances, I did well not to worry about them!
After finishing my coursework I took a few days to wind down and I've learned alot from the experience.
Success today = waking up with lots of thoughts going through my mind and then accepting it all and it all going away (after a chat with hubby too!)
It was my birthday yesterday, I simply told myslelf I wasn't going to worry about anything, so when I stared to I reminded myself and stopped. I had a great day!! If I can do it that day , I can do it everyday.
londonchris
16-06-11, 20:06
I really enjoy reading this thread! happy birthday for the other day and congratulations and keep it up! And keep us posted :)
Thanks Londonchris
Sorry about late reply, only I've haven't been on for ages, mostly because I was getting ready for and went to France! And after coming back I've been busy.
If you've been reading then you'll know I was having trouble getting the courage to go, mostly because of anxiety. But after the presure of the course wore off I felt more in the mood to take on the holiday. The main thing was being stuck on the ferry if I was feeling sick, so I got some sea bands and ginger tea and didn't really feel sick at all. As the fast ferry isn't usually completely still, it still wasn't a great experience but as I didn't feel ill I was over the moon! The rest of the holiday went really well, I had no anxiety! The journey back was even rougher and so I'll not go on that boat again, maybe the Eurostar next time.
I had such a great time as the whole family was there, and I re-discovered how happy that makes me. I did lots of walking while there and that reminded me that I feel so much better generally when I'm more active. So as a result I will arrange more get-togethers and hubby and I will be getting some bikes next week, as that's something we both enjoyed when younger and just need to get back in the habit. If I can cycle to college that will great.
There's more to say but littleone is waiting for the laptop!
Cathy
My lack of posting here is an obvious sign that life is going along nicely. So anyone who stumbles upon this can see that there is without doubt hope that life can be good again. That a person can have anxiety or depression and come through it and feel like them again. Even if they feel they have suffered so long that they can't remember what 'normal' feels like anymore as I did. I've had no anxiety since - I can't remember! I have pinpointed (I've probably written this lots already) that what preeceedes anxiety is stress and before that worry and old thinking habits. So I have had the time and space, being on citalopram, to notice worry or stress and guide my thoughts into a more helpfull direction, or just take it easy. I am still telling myself "I'm 40 now, probably half way through life (if all goes well!) and I need not waste any more time with worry or unhelpful thoughts, I can be happy now". If I had tried this months ago it wouldn't have worked as my thoughts and physical reactions worked too quickly to allow me to intervene. That's how the medication as helped me.
Something I want to stress that even though I mention that I am dealing with thoughts or worries, what I mean is that I have the same worries and thoughts as anyone, and what used to happen is they would spiral into something unhelpful or unrealistic. Now they stop where they are supposed to, and only rarely, I notice it's gone a step further and for me to pull it back. There is no effort involved appart from noticing when it's hapening. I'm merely nipping in the bud the thought patterns that I am now changing for good. They might need nipping in the bud again when life throws me a challenge or I'm overtired etc, but this is what I believe all people do (i.e. ones who haven't had anxiety or depression.)
So, all is well and I think about when and if I'll come off the tablets again. I have been dealing with the above for so many years that I want to make sure that I have really re-routed my thoughts properly and created a better lifestyle for myself before I start coming off. That was the mistake I made the last time I came off them.
People have written about all the things that they think have helped them be well. I believe that every person has to find their own way, what triggers them off, what makes them worse or better. For me, after trying lots of things out from diet to cbt, I have learned that what has had the most positive effect on my happiness and wellbeing is learning to observe myself and then be kind to myself. Notice how I feel (good or bad) and accept it. This sounds wishwashy but these simple things have changed my life for the better. I stopped doing things simply to prevent myself getting ill again (for example I'd get stressed if I didn't go jogging, by the way I am active now without doing any formal excercise, I find this works for me). And just be easy on myself. I found I was more relaxed about life and had more enthusiasm if I basically did what I wanted more instead of being afraid of getting ill or what others think, or whatever. But that's me - as I said everyone has to explore a little to realise what their fears are, how to face them, what negative beliefs have been put into heads from experiences or people from the past, which need to be put to rest and replaced with more realistic ones.
The whole reason I started this post was so that anyone else who cares to read it can see my progress to being well again. FOR GOOD. And so to give hope when things seem very difficult, bleak and neverending. Of course there is unhappiness and stress in everyones life, it's so important to remember this, because experiencing it and panicking that missery is coming back again is what will make it do so. These experiences tell us something about what is going on right now, and by having the courage to accept it all, being realistic about why it is there and being physically and mentally kind to yourself until it goes again (AND IT ALWAYS WILL GO AGAIN), well, that the secret to my success anyway.
I am well. My life is normal, I am happy and enjoying life. Being 40 has been liberating which I didn't expect and I have finally made a long overdue decision to stop making myself suffer and do things and think things that make life to be as good as it can be.
The other thing I forgot to say that I need to remember, and is extreemly important, is not to underestimate rest and sleep!
I didn't think I would have much more in the way of success to write considering I'm feeling very well but this morning I have. Having the tablets to help protect me from physical anxiety and anxious or negative thoughts means that I don't often get to deal with them to enable me to feel confident enough to come off the tablets (although I know it's fine to stay on them indefinately if I decide that's what's best). Yes, it's all easier to deal with, but as with every person some mornings I wake up and am thinking a little more negatively (usually at pmt time). It doesn't last once I'm up and doing things, but because of all the past misery I naturally worry about having the thoughs at all and that gives them life. I did think about meditating or jogging but they would have been distraction in desperation, trying to get away from the things I didn't want to think about. Good to be distracted, bad to run away. I am just dealing with thoughts and so I need to fight fire with fire so to speak!
People without anxiety have and accept unwanted thoughts and carry on as normal. It has became a bit of a habit for me to wake up and almost look for the thoughts I don't want to have, find them and then worry about them. They don't bother me much, cause any anxiety or depression, they are just annnoying and perhaps without the meds would escalate into something more. This morning I lay in bed with the thoughts and realising it was a habit I don't have to live with, tried a method I've written here before but forgot about. Acceptance for me is a great skill I practice to stay well, and also remembering everyone has thoughts they'd rather not have from time to time. What I don't do so much of is try to swop the thoughts for other, better ones. I used to think that by doing this I would be trying to push the negative thoughts away and that wouldn't work, but actually it's an extension of accepting and moving on. It's not 'don't think of the pink elephant', it's 'I've thought of the pink elephant and now I will think of some other colours and a couple of other animals...'!
This morning I remembered a method I used a while ago; Think of all the nice things that happened yesterday. Very pleasant, I felt immediately better. Then I noticed something; the pleasant thoughts were quick and contained - they didn't move on to other thoughts or feelings. Whereas the more negative ones jumped from one to another, as I tried to figure out why they were there and what to do about them. One of the pleasant thoughts did develop, it was about getting my sons school uniform, and that led to thoughts about sizing and other bits to get ect. My brain was chewing it all over, in the same way that I chewed over the negative thoughts, but of course there is no conclusion to be had from these in the same way as thinking over a task or challenge. I used to treat negative thoughts as a threat and try to work them through to a conclusion, which ended up in more knots and misery. Right now even though I know it is futile to work out why, I still see the thoughts as a threat instead of banal, causing enough worry for it to continue over many mornings instead of the seconds it took to have it. This made me realise that although negative thoughts are just thoughts, the same as the pleasant ones, I was treating them in a different way. This is obvious I suppose but it was a bit of a light bulb moment for me at the time. It became clear to me that;
1. I can choose what I think about, and even though it's wrong to push thoughts away, it doesn't mean I have to put up with them just being there. Accept them AND think of something else.
2. My brain seems to enjoy working through challenges and does so automatically. Negative thoughts are not challenges, or threats. I can be selective about which thoughts I develop further.
I've noticed other unwanted thoughts that I don't mind having so much and have noticed that there are no feelings or subsequent thoughts attached to them. I know they don't mean anything and they don't go anywhere. There might be therapy to be had to get to the bottom of why I find certain thoughts more disturbing, but having had quite a lot of that already, I think it's more useful not to delve further into it, but to start to walk away from it. I suppose a small reminder to myself in the form or a phrase to say inwardly when I notice it happening. Like, oh I don't know; ' This thought is just a thought the same as any other, I can leave it where it is, it doesn't mean anything.' I know I've written similar things before but as time goes on, I revisit strategies as and when they come up and then they get stronger and more accesible and helpful.
My husband just read this and said 'that's just acceptance isn't it', but it's more than that because it's harder to accept something that automatically connects itself to a seemingly deep-seated or subconcious link to fear or sadness. Whether we know why or not can be helpful but not essential as Claire Weekes would say!
I've been writing about thoughts but to remind myself about about feelings of fear or sadness - I haven't had this to deal with lately but for future reference - accept and do. I read somewhere once;
If you have anxiety - face your fears.
If you are depressed - be more active.
Sounds simple enough even though it isn't! But it helps me to distinguish which I'm dealing with and how best to deal with it.
Think that's all!
oops forgot one very important one;
3. Don't worry about the thought after it's gone!
I know that the positive parts of our experience in life are important too but when I am down I am down. My fear is that people around me will tell me to snap out of it and that will freak me out even more. I post this with some fear but this is where I am at.
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