Hi :)

[secretlyscared]

I'm new to NMP, wish I could say I was new to anxiety / depression / panic attacks ;)

Thinking back, I've always been anxious-I'm a bit of a cliché-typical high achiever / perfectionist.

I was officially 'diagnosed' with anxiety / depression in 2004/5.
Have had an on / off relationship with citalopram since then.
Back on them now, 40mg a day, but still experience early morning waking, nightmares and low mood.

I feel so isolated and alone-the 'outside' me people see is very, VERY different to how I feel.

I'd just like someone to talk to, actually I think I need a hug! Trouble is, if anyone tries to help / offer support, I just push them away, withdraw. It's too painful, I feel like I'm always about to fall apart and lose the tenuous grip I have over myself...

[nomorepanic]

Hi secretlyscared

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[Gannlenny]

Hey if you want to talk I can listen and who knows it might just help us both. I have struggled with anxiety, nerves and OCD throughout most of my adult life and I'm 48 now. Last year was a bad one for me and am trying to turn things around this year but boy is it a hard thing to do, sometimes I feel like I am on some mad merry-go-round that wont stop for me to get off. Like you say what people see on the outside is no reflection on how you really feel. Some days I would like to just curl up in bed instead of going to work, but as am the main money earner in the family that is not an option so I try and slap on a happy face and get on with it despite the pain. As I have to juggle work, family and keeping an eye on my elderly parents its hard to find things to make myself feel better. Even when everything seems to be going well I still feel fed up. Everyone else just seems to be in control and enjoying themselves, I would so wish to be like that. Its hard to find someone who can understand, but at least on this site there are people that do. Hope you find the support you need. Feel free to talk to me anytime.
:hugs: Gill

[secretlyscared]

sometimes I feel like I am on some mad merry-go-round that wont stop for me to get off.


I can really relate to that, the feeling of going through the motions, waiting for "things to get better" but day after day it's the same. I look around at people I work with, my friends, family and think "How has no one noticed I'm losing my mind..." it feels unreal at times, the front I put up must be a bloody good one!

[Gannlenny]

You know hun it will be an excellent front that you have put up I have one exactly the same, its our survival strategy. Maybe the people around you do think you are troubled by something but because they do not understand anxiety, panic, ocd, depression or whatever else you want to call it they just choose to ignore it, its just easier for them than to try and learn about how you feel. Thats what I've found anyway. I dont really have anyone that I can talk to about how I feel, my husband is very supportive but I think he just gets fed up with me going on about the same old stuff all the time.

Gill

[secretlyscared]

What do you think is "the same old stuff"? I'm sure he doesn't get fed up.
I'm sure you're right-people do probably think either I'm headed for burnout or all is not well with me, or maybe I'm just being paranoid!

[Gannlenny]

Well am always asking him what I should do, should I go to the doctors, should I just wait and see if things go away, whats this pain, whats that pain, as if he would know, why should he, he doesnt know any more than I do, even I get fed up with the sound of my own voice.
Are you in a relationship? No one at all who you can confide in?

[secretlyscared]

Do you have any strategies that you use that might help you work through some of the thought patterns?

I'm on my own, not even a cat or gold fish for company! ;)
In all seriousness, I am desperately lonely but I don't want to "inflict" that on anyone else, I've constructed this self sufficient outward appearance that, like I've said, I'm far too scared to let anyone know how I'm really feeling

[Gannlenny]

When things get bad I try to distract myself with something else, I dont really have many friends but my daughters can be a very good distraction in some ways, but in others seeing them excited about doing things and going places makes me feel worse as I would like to be doing the same. I like to keep busy as not having much to do allows my mind to wander and remind me of how bad I feel sometimes. Even though I have people around me I still feel lonely, how on earth does that work?
Why do you feel as if you cant allow anyone into the world that you have created for yourself? Do you feel like people will judge you for being weak in some way, I know that is something I worry about. I think people just assume that depression is just something you can get over. Well if it was that simple we would have done it years ago wouldnt we?