Please help me, feeling very scared....

[tracey2009]

I am new to this website and want to tell you my story as I desperately need some advice. I apologise if my post is long but I feel I need to get everything out.
I have always been a 'worrier' as a little girl I would wake up in the night panicking and crying to my mum and dad about what would happen when they die! I have always been able to control my 'worrying' - until 2 years ago when I turned 30! I started having this overhwelming fear of my parents getting elderly! My dad is very fit and active at the moment and I constantly worry about him not being able to cope with old age when he is unable to run and do the things he does now. My fears are made worse when I think about him also suffering from anxiety. (I know that he does although I have never asked him about it) I know that he worries too about getting old.
This is my main worry although I also worry about my brother as he too suffers (I think) and I feel guilty as I am financially better of than he is!!
I went to the docs 2 years ago and they send me for CBT which I hated - think I did not bond with the therapist!!
Now I am worse than ever. I wake up feeling very low and down in the dumps, I worry constantly. Now for the wierd bit: I have a great well paid job, 6 mths ago I moved into a brand new house with my lovely boyfriend, I have a nice car.... But I am so unhappy and my anxiety gets worse as I feel guilty about feeling so unhappy!
I don't have full blown panic attacks but I have a 'feeling' that is there all of the time. The panic hightens maybe every hour or so then calms down a bit but is still there! I have a fear of 'time' now I am 32 and I feel that with every year that we reach I am going to feel worse.
If I feel like this now how will I cope when 1 of my parents does pass away? Will I crack up completely?
Now I am 32 I am also starting to think about starting a family, but how can I do this when I am the way I am.
When I was younger I could always stop the anixiety as I would tell myself "oh you don't need to worry about that yet" - now my family are getting older all of the time and I am worried sick.
I go to work every day but I have no interest in anything/my sex drive has been effected and I just worry and panic constantly.
I fear that this is the way I am now and that there is no help for me.
Anyone have any advice? Do I suffer from GAD or a much more complex panic disorder.
Thanks for listening
Tracy

http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/images/nmp/misc/progress.gif

[jenbo50]

Goodness me Tracy we could be life twins :-)

I am 32. Up until I started a family 18 months ago I was in the same boat. Great job, sports car, lovely boyfriend, no money worries but a constant worry about aging parents including a father suffering with GAD following a health scare! I never had actual panic attacks then, i just used to "fret" i suppose. However I also used to "stress" about work alot. I thought this was normal at the time and just part of my personality. So i totally sympathise with the constant awful thoughts....

If I was you, i would speak to your dad firstly as it may help if you have both your feelings in the open and you may even be able to help each other along?

Would it also be worth starting some form of relaxation such as yoga and maybe going back to the docs and asking to see a different therapist or alternative treatment? It does sound from the lack of sex drive etc that you may well have some form of anxiety/depression so it would be good to get some support to manage the symptoms so you can enjoy life?

Don't be put off starting a family. In fact pregnancy can change hormone levels so it's not necessarily going to make you feel worse having a baby...don't let it stop you living your life! Despite having my anxiety disorder I wouldn't change having my little bundle of trouble for the world...he's currently making me smile dancing in the living room with a spoon! :-)

Anyway...you're not alone I promise! Hugs xxxx

[tracey2009]

Jenbo thankyou so much for your post. I am sorry that you have been in a similar situation as I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!
I have taken all your advice onboard.
I am so pleased what you have said re having children. I was also scared to death that my anxiety could get worse (if that is possible) during pregnancy and that I would constantly be worrying about the children. Also, didn't think it would be fair bringing children into the world when there's a chance they could inherit this!
I will definately speak to the doctor and see about trying the CBT again.
Im not sure talking to my father is an option as he is very deep and doesn't say very much. If he does suffer like I do (which Im sure he does) then I don't want to risk upsetting him more by having him worry about me!
Thanks again x

[jenbo50]

If he does suffer like I do (which Im sure he does) then I don't want to risk upsetting him more by having him worry about me!
Thanks again x

Ahhh I totally get that :-(....we avoid the topic too but I thought i would suggest you to do so as I know that is what we should "both" be doing really lol.....nice to know I'm not alone too actually!

If it reassures youanymore at all.....pregnancy was the easiest time of my life to date....I sailed through it, loved it, glowed, no worries in the world, just loads of happy hormones all over!! Shame you can't be pregnant forever ha ha.....
:hugs:

[jenbo50]

Also, didn't think it would be fair bringing children into the world when there's a chance they could inherit this!


Oh just wanted to add that don't forget that EVERYONE has some kind of disability/ problem/ issue to carry or overcome in life....some are just more visible than others but believe me, no-one is without weight on their shoulders.

Example....i was speaking to a girl in the playcentre with a boy same age as mine. She was confident, great big smile on her face, good looking, slim (no baby weight!) long blonde hair etc etc....anyway she had to ask me to repeat myself a few times. It turns out that tucked behind her ears, behind the lovely long, blonde hair were 2 hearing aids. She told me how she had been bullied for years and hated them being there. That she struggled to hear people and tests results now showed her boy had the same condition and she was devastated for him. I'm friends with her now and we meet up each month and often discuss our "disabilities" lol :-)

As i say some conditions are more visible than others and people everywhere are trying to hide/ suppress/ eradicate "something" in their lives......

So please don't think like that chick xxxxxxx

[tracey2009]

Thanks so much, you're like a breath of fresh air!!
It's so great for me to hear how well your pregnancy went as I was starting to worry about that alot! How sad for your poor friend; makes me think I should be grateful for what I have.
Thanks for your post, you have helped me alot :-)