I can't do this

[Sekost]

Hi all, I'm a mess i have to go to work in 30 minutes and i am struggling to get to the front door let alone drive 25 miles. I feel worthless today, i am in the wrong career and have been for 15yrs. i have no one, no friends, no family to give me the time i need, work colleagues no nothing of my condition but as a manager i have to deal with members of staff everyday who exibit the same symptoms that i hide. Tears now and i dont know why, i feel broken inside like i have no fight left. I just want to curl up in a ball in the corner and turn off the light... I hate this!

[macc noodle]

Hi there

What would you advise your colleagues to do if they felt like this? - it sounds as if you have dealt with work colleagues suffering similar.

Have you got any leave due? Why not take a break and re-evaluate how you want to proceed - where you want to go from here.

Good luck

:hugs:

[Sekost]

Hi macc and thanks. i find it so easy to help others but hard to help me as i dont think im worth it. Sounds sad i know and the worst thing is i have no one to tell.. except you guys... I do have leave pending however i am an IT manager for a large blue chip company and just cant get away at the moment...

[macc noodle]

Sometimes you just have to put yourself first!

Of course you are worth helping - that is just how you feel at the mo. because you are a bit low.

I know times are tough but we are all still entitled to some R&R now and then.

Why not take a weekend break and find something to do to recharge your batteries and let you re-assess ?

:)

[Sekost]

Thanks macc i really appreciate you taking time to talk to me. I am going to give it a crack i have holiday to take before April so i will talk to the boss today.... I;m off to work now will try and log in when i get there... this site is all thats keeping me going at the mo...Have a good day and i will update this thread later..

[clivjoo]

Hi there hope you are doing ok.

I agree with others, you have to put yourself first now, putting others first right now is contributing to your illness, i think, so its wise to take some time out.

Does your company give sick time? if so, utilize it, speak to a doctor too, just to make sure everything is ok.

[Sekost]

Hi clivjoo, and thanks for the feedabck. Yes they do sickness time however i have just had 3 weeks off as i have a compressed disk in my back. Your right about thinking of me first. I think i do it sometimes as way of saying "i am ill but i'm a nice guy". its uncanny how the people around me that dont care are so much more chilled.
Thank you all made it through another day and its in no small part due to your support and advise guys. Once again many thanks.

[Rachieroo]

Hi, I just wanna say I think I know how you feel. I've only been qualified in my profession a few yrs but I feel like I've wasted my time at uni working so hard as Im really finding it hard to feel happy with myself in my job. When I first qualified I worked for a small company which meant that I had to take on lots of responsibilty really quickly, make decisions for myself that affected how my patients were treated etc. I really loved it and whilst I'm sure the depression/anxiety was niggling around somewhere back then, it was always something I could control. But with the recession looming a few yrs ago I decided that the safe option would be to take a role with a large secure company. I dont know if this is what triggered everything off but I've suddenly became trapped in a role where my clinical judgement/freedom is overridden by the corporate "policies", where my qualities are realised by how much money I (dont) make rather than how much benefit I can be to my patients, and how quick I can move on to the next task. I also work in a very "cliquey" environment where my equals are treated better and are more well thought of than me since I am most definitely not one of them. I'm scared to mention to anyone, like my directors, how I feel as most of my colleagues consider depression something that you just snap out of, and that if they are working to the same capacity as me then why can't I just deal with it like they do? I cant leave my job just yet owing to transport constraints and when I have good days I feel that I shouldnt be made to feel unwelcome and forced out, I have as much right to enjoy my career there as they do, but those good days seem few and far between lately. My GP said just to hang in there, being in a similar profession he knows how i feel and that if i feel the same the same ina few months that i should go back for some pills. Im sorry that I've kind of hijacked your thread here, but I had to mention that you're not alone in this, I know exactly how it feels to dread work. Maybe there are others here who are also in similar situations where we can help each other through the bad days xx

[Sekost]

Hi Rachieroo.... You can hijack my thread anytime if it helps you...
My biggest problem where my job is concerned is that i have no passion for it, no buzz whatsoever, I did a HND in Applied Biology at Truro college a few years ago and i absolutely loved it but my mum died and i had to come back to Leicester as my younger brother went off the rails and i never got the chance to go to Uni to get my Degree... But hey ho thems the breaks...
I do hope you feel better soon and think of the company clique this way... they should be trying to fit in with you not the other way round..
Be proud to stand in your own space and the gods your not a sheep like them...
Take care x

[joolz07]

Hi Sekost,

Did you feel like this before the death of your Mother? I know first hand what a loss can do to someone suffering from anxiety. I really think you need to take the advice of other posters and look after number one for a change (easier said than done I know!). I have been in a state of 'High Anxiety' for weeks now after the sudden death of my dog (and I know this in no way compares to the death of a parent for most but it did to me). I had another couple of set backs quickly after until it all built up and I couldn't cope any longer. I am now on the sick but hoping to go back home (I'm staying with my parents at the moment) and to work on sunday. Everytime i think about it i feel awful but I am going to do my damndest to go back so I know i've tried.
I find it amazing how we can all give eachother such good advice, as you did to Rachieroo. It's a shame we cannot take it ourselves!!
I guess thats all part and parcel of sufferinng with anxiety though.
Are you taking any meds? Have you tried relaxation techniques or even spoken to your doctor about how you are feeling?
I know you feel alone .... to some extent I think everyone with Anxiety/Panic does as until you have experienced it you really have NO idea. You are most certainly not alone on here ... I have only been a member for a short time too but have met some very kind people.
Hope you are feeling better and sorry to blab on for so long!
Take care of yourself
Julie xx

[SHYGIRLAJB]

Hi Sekost.

How are you now, I hope you manage to get your holiday, leave from work soon. I agree you need to look after you. If that means taking some time off , then so be it. Otherwise you might make yourself really ill or what not.

Hope you will be ok

Anita.

[Sekost]

Hi Anita. I've made it through another week just to find myself facing another weekend alone. Feel pretty low and empty at the mo. Think i will just hide...

[Rachieroo]

Thanks for the reply sekost, I totally get where your coming from. Seems you have had things pretty tough over the yrs. As for this weekend, it must be daunting to face it all alone, maybe you should try going out for a break? If you drive maybe go for a drive somewhere, maybe somewhere known for its scenery or walks and just go for a stroll? I made a conscious effort this week that i would leave work for at least 5-10 mins during my lunch break even its to do a bit of window shopping and it really does help, plus it means I dont get harrassed to give out advice, sort out referrals/paperwork as I'm not on the premises to be harrassed! Maybe it would help you to do the same on your days off. If you like sport maybe take up a class at weekends where you can keep fit and active and maybe meet new ppl? Maybe take up a new hobby. I promised I wouldnt hijack anymore so I'll stop here for now haha! x

[macc noodle]

Hey Sekost - look at it this way - it is the weekend and you can damn well please yourself! So, what would you like to do????

There must be something you fancy taking up and I would like to bet that if you took the plunge and joined something you would soon find like-minded people to hang out with.

Hell, we are all at the end of the computer, what more could a guy ask for :D

[Sekost]

No don't stop i enjoy talking. I may have said my ex left me because of my illness she came last night and picked up some of her stuff... and i believe she is already seeing someone else so i think im just feeling sorry for myself...:meh:

[macc noodle]

Her loss !

My husband really struggles with my anxiety problems (God knows he has stuck with it for the last 15 years :)) and he still doesn't really get it - we fall out terribly when I am really bad because I think he is being mean but I do see his point when I am feeling better :winks:

Listen - there is a big wide world out there full of nice young women who would love to be with a sensitive caring guy and who would see beyond any anxiety problems you may have.

Don't let your health issues define you, they are a tiny part of the whole person - get out there man and join a sports club or something - are there any people at work who you could see yourself socialising with (in fact, do you have a social club at work?) ?

Have you tried the chat room on here - it whiles away an hour or so with likeminded peeps?

Jan

[Rachieroo]

I'm sorry to hear that, that really is stress that you can do without right now. But at the same time it may be a good way to consider it a new start, I mean you joined on here, you are asking for help, its all got to be part of the new you. Sometimes, when we are in relationships we dont get to do what we used to enjoy when being single, I dont mean going out and flirting with ppl (lol) but sometimes we dont have time for hobbies. Is there anything you really used to enjoy doing when you were previously single? If so, get back to it! Its time you were completely selfish, you can do whatever you want (within reason!) without fitting it round someone elses life, make the most of it!

[Sekost]

I'm choked, you guys are amazing. I feel blessed that you take the time to care... thank you and bless you all.
In answer to your posts -

joolz07 - Yes i did feel that way as cliche as it sounds my mother is the cause of my illness now - another story altogether. I dont take any meds as when i do feel anxiety its a by product of clinical depression. I am starting CBT on 12 Apr and i am trying to concentrate on self help. Its a struggle but can't win if i don't take part.

macc noodle/Rachieroo - your are stars, thank you. Can't do any sports at the mo as i have a compressed disk in my back (hospital Monday). To be honest its not the loss of my ex that i mourn but having to watch yet another relationship fall to pieces. I think like you said its all about me now. Hopefully this weekend I will be able to get into the chatroom as i will have been on 5 days. Speak soon. Neil. X

Ruudy hell i am in the wars lol!