Wilson Blackburn
09-03-11, 17:35
This could be long winded but I really need an opinion so here goes :)
I'm 23 Yeras old.
In March 2008 I couldn't get to sleep worrying about something really daft. This went on for about 2 weeks before I went to the doctors and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
Things got much much worse when in May 2008 I noticed twitching in my left hand index finger. It was none-stop and lasted for months before spreading to the rest of my body and then becoming more sparse. (The twitching still happens now regularly.)
I was rowing at a pretty competitive level at the time and I saw out the season till August winning all but one of the races.
In September I cycled 1200 miles to Italy with a friend.
On my return my anxieties went through the roof. I'd hop up and down the stairs for hours at a time to see if my leg was getting weaker. I'd meticulously measure each and every body part and completely freak out when I found out my left side was slightly thinner.
My achilles is/was alot fatter on the right side. My girlfriends confirmation sent me into over drive and I started going to see every doctor in the city.
I'd sit there ALL day and night checking my body. When people were talking to me I wouldn't be listening at all and as soon as they looked away I'd do some kind of test by putting pressure on my little fingers to see if they were different ANYTHING for some reassurance....
I noticed my left hamstring was a lot thinner also, like there was only half a muscle there.
Yet I wasn't really feeling much weakness, although something did not feel right.
I was put on anxiety meds and saw lots of counsillors and doctors. I also became a recluse, an alcoholic and stopped going to the gym completely.
I was doing a Biology degree at the time and we had to do a nerve conduction test. Which I recall my left arm failing somewhat (it bugs me to this day whether or not I messed it up)
A year later, things were at an all time low and i spent each and every day gripped by fear, my palms would sweat profusely, but I hadn't told a soul about ANY of it. They just thought I was neurotic and lazy and a bit of an internet addict. (I disguised my constant googling with poker and facebook :)
Eventually my doctor sent me off to a Neurologist (for peace of mind), who had my strip off so he could look at my body properly, all fine apparently. The he did some reflex stuff with a little hammer and told me everything was fine and that I mental problems.... anyway...
In mind I didn't care, I was dying and I was 99.99% certain of it.
A year after THAT my girlfriend left me and moved to america. She'd had enough, I didn't blame her.
We'd been together for 5 years, since school. I was crushed.
My head felt heavy on my neck and It was getting stiff all the time (It still does) but I got on with life, living for the next drink to forget about my relentless frustrations.
So we get to now, 3 years later.
I got back with my girlfriend in October and my life has improved quite a bit. Everyone thinks I'm back to my old self and i've stopped drinking mostly. My relationship is also going well.
But the fear is STILL there. I just cannot let go of this irrational fear and it still eats up 90% of my waking thoughts.
What on earth do I do to get over this, it's been 3 hard, horrible years....
Really appreciate anyone who comments on this, what an essay!!
I'm 23 Yeras old.
In March 2008 I couldn't get to sleep worrying about something really daft. This went on for about 2 weeks before I went to the doctors and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
Things got much much worse when in May 2008 I noticed twitching in my left hand index finger. It was none-stop and lasted for months before spreading to the rest of my body and then becoming more sparse. (The twitching still happens now regularly.)
I was rowing at a pretty competitive level at the time and I saw out the season till August winning all but one of the races.
In September I cycled 1200 miles to Italy with a friend.
On my return my anxieties went through the roof. I'd hop up and down the stairs for hours at a time to see if my leg was getting weaker. I'd meticulously measure each and every body part and completely freak out when I found out my left side was slightly thinner.
My achilles is/was alot fatter on the right side. My girlfriends confirmation sent me into over drive and I started going to see every doctor in the city.
I'd sit there ALL day and night checking my body. When people were talking to me I wouldn't be listening at all and as soon as they looked away I'd do some kind of test by putting pressure on my little fingers to see if they were different ANYTHING for some reassurance....
I noticed my left hamstring was a lot thinner also, like there was only half a muscle there.
Yet I wasn't really feeling much weakness, although something did not feel right.
I was put on anxiety meds and saw lots of counsillors and doctors. I also became a recluse, an alcoholic and stopped going to the gym completely.
I was doing a Biology degree at the time and we had to do a nerve conduction test. Which I recall my left arm failing somewhat (it bugs me to this day whether or not I messed it up)
A year later, things were at an all time low and i spent each and every day gripped by fear, my palms would sweat profusely, but I hadn't told a soul about ANY of it. They just thought I was neurotic and lazy and a bit of an internet addict. (I disguised my constant googling with poker and facebook :)
Eventually my doctor sent me off to a Neurologist (for peace of mind), who had my strip off so he could look at my body properly, all fine apparently. The he did some reflex stuff with a little hammer and told me everything was fine and that I mental problems.... anyway...
In mind I didn't care, I was dying and I was 99.99% certain of it.
A year after THAT my girlfriend left me and moved to america. She'd had enough, I didn't blame her.
We'd been together for 5 years, since school. I was crushed.
My head felt heavy on my neck and It was getting stiff all the time (It still does) but I got on with life, living for the next drink to forget about my relentless frustrations.
So we get to now, 3 years later.
I got back with my girlfriend in October and my life has improved quite a bit. Everyone thinks I'm back to my old self and i've stopped drinking mostly. My relationship is also going well.
But the fear is STILL there. I just cannot let go of this irrational fear and it still eats up 90% of my waking thoughts.
What on earth do I do to get over this, it's been 3 hard, horrible years....
Really appreciate anyone who comments on this, what an essay!!