Hi from new member

[manders]

Hi everyone

I actually signed up for this site about 3 weeks ago, but I am only now getting round to actually making a post!

My name is Mandy and I'm 36 and a mother of 3. I have been suffering from severe clinical depression for almost 2 years now. Medication wise I am currently on Effexor 150mgs a day and Mirtazipine 30mgs a day. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for just over a year and basically I don't like myself at all.

To be perfectly honest I don't feel any different from when my depression was diagnosed. My mood is still extremely low, my sleep pattern is all over the place, I don't think about eating, I will make meals for my children but don't bother myself, I don't bother with my appearance, basically just drag a brush through my hair in the mornings and that's it, my concentration levels are extremely poor.

I have been suicidal on more than one occasion, the latest time being only last week. I have even planned how I will 'do it' so my children aren't in the house. The first time I was suicidal it was only the thought that my children would be the ones to find me that actually stopped me, which is why I then planned the best time to do it was when they were staying with their dad.

I do know the main cause of my depression, but it has been a variety of events in my life over the past 4 years that have built up until one major event was the final straw really.

I haven't worked since October 2004 due to my depression and I am now on Incapacity Benefit. I am lucky that I have a good support network of health professionals, family and friends. However I do tend to keep a lot of things to myself as I feel that I am constantly complaining to everyone. Although they are all very supportive, none of them really understand what I am going through which is why I hoped this forum would help me as I would meet others who are experiencing the same thing.

I really want to get better as I know my illness is affecting my children and I don't want them to end up just remembering their mum as always being sad and crying (although I always try not to cry in front of them). It just seems to be one step forward and 10 steps back all the time.

Sorry I seem to have rabitted on a bit.

Mandy

[Karen]

Hi Mandy

Welcome to the forum. I too experience depression and it can be very hard sometimes to see a way forward, but it sounds like you have the determination to motivate yourself to work to overcome this.

Your children sound like your motivating reason to avoid acting on suicidal thoughts. Mine is a good friend and I imagine her with me, what she would say or do, when I am feeling so low that I feel like giving in.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, even when depression doesn't feel temporary when you are experiencing it.

Are you receiving any kind of therapy in addition to the medication? Something solution-focused, which works on developing coping strategies for the present and future, and challenges thought patterns is most helpful.

You will find a lot of help and support here.

Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[manders]

Hi Karen

Thanks for your reply. You're right my children have been the only reason I haven't acted on my suicidal thoughts, even though sometimes I feel they would be better without me.

I have just started CBT, the problem is it's aimed more at people with mild to moderate depression. At the time I was referred for it, I was feeling better but things took a sudden turn for the worse not long before my appointment. My next appointment is next week.

I am also due to see my psychiatrist again later today. I was on the emergency admission list for the ward up until last month when he decided he would be able to take me off it, however this last month has been particularly bad so I am fully expecting to go back on the ward list so I can be admitted immediately if need be. So far I have managed to avoid admission but I do sometimes wonder if I would be better off being admitted for a short period.

Like you said it can be hard to see a way forward at times, and I sometimes wonder if I will ever get back to the way I used to be.

Mandy

[Karen]

Hi Mandy

Sorry this past month has been so bad. Can you identify any particular trigger for feeling worse again?

I hope the appointment goes well. Let us know how you get on.

I would also say give the CBT a chance and this can seem very difficult to start with but learning how to change those negative thoughts that accompanies depression is one of the key aspects towards recovery.

Karen



Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey

[trac67]

Hi Mandy,

Welcome to the forum you will get a lot of good advice here and make some new friends.

Take care

Trac xx

'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'

[Alexandra]

Hi Mandy

Welcome to the forum.

You will find lots of help & support on here.

Mid 2003 i took an overdose of tablets but then realised id be hurting so many people if i did this & how devestated it would leave them. I know sometimes feeling low can make you think like this but you have so many things to live for & there is light at the end of the tunnel. We will all get there in the end.

I know how you feel hun ive been off work since early 2004 myself with depression, anxiety & now agoraphobia.

We all understand how you feel here & are all here for the extra support.

Take care & keep your chin up.




Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

[hayles]

Mandy,

just a quick hi.
I have only been registered about a week
and the forum has changed my life.
Just realising that there are so many people out there who suffer the same and that I am not alone is such a big relief.

I hope things work our for you.

Hugs

Hay x

[lisarose]

Hi Mandy, A big WELCOME to the forum, you will find so much help and support here and meet some great people.
I know what it is like to be where you are now as I suffered severe postnatal depression along with panic attacks and anxiety after the birth of my son in 2000. I felt like I would never get better and felt sucidal and my kids would be better off without me. I took an overdose in February 2001 and immediatley regretted what I had done and thank god every day that I am still here to enjoy my kids grow up. It took me 4 years to get better but I never gave up hope. I too took Effexor and that was the turning point for me and it enabled me to get my life back on track. I also saw psychiatrists and was admitted to a psychiatric ward but I felt they didn't help that much, a community psychiatric nurse was much more helpful, she came to my house every week for a for a few months and just talking to her about my feelings helped me so much. I am living proof that you can get better, I am now expecting my third child due on 22nd April and even though I am scared of the depression returning after the birth I am at least prepared and know what to expect and how it can be treated plus I have this site now for support, I just wish I had found it at the start of my illness.
You will get better,beleive me and my children have suffered no ill effects from my illness they are both very happy children and seeing them happy makes me happy and thankful to be alive.
If you ever need to chat you can send me a PM or email me, you never have to feel alone and all of us here will be with you every step of the way to your recovery.
Take care
Love Lisax

[manders]

Thank you to everyone who has replied, it really helps to know there are people out there who know what I am going through and who are willing to share their experiences to help.

This past month has been particularly bad due to a death in my ex-husband's family and him and his family then treating me like something they stood on. This really upset and hurt me, especially as I have so far remained on very friendly terms with my ex, I now feel he has really let me down especially as I have really supported him while he has been ill by attending his hospital and GP appointments with him.

My appointment today went well, had a long chat to my psychiatrist and finally admitted to him that I have even thought of self-harming by burning myself with cigarettes. I have thought this for a while and I have only just admitted it to him. As I suspected I have been put back on to the emergency list for the ward if I need it, hopefully I won't but it's nice to know the facility is there for me if need be.

[Two heads]

Hi manders!I found this forium about to months ago and i think its great,im on it nearly everyday!You will get better just keep trying with different things and you will find the thing that works for you,you wont be like this forever.Just try and sort the route of the problem out, and as you said you seem to no the cause.If you ever feel bad just log in and we will surport you best we all can,just remember you are never alone!xxx

[May Day]

Hi Manders

welcome to the site ... sorry you're feeling so low ... i had similar thoughts to you a few years ago but a mothers instinct is a strong thing so hang on to thoughts of your kids ... it will give you the strength to carry on while you get better ... imagine all the good things you'll share with them in the future ... i hope you find the information on this site helpful .. the people are friendly and supportive so when you feel down, some here and talk

Take care

May

The brightest, sunniest day may follow the darkest, stormiest night ... enjoy the sun

[nomorepanic]

Hi mandy

Just wanted to welcome you aboard and hope you get loads of support here.

Nicola