Is it just me !!!!

[ell1877]

I suffer with ha which alot of the time I deal with but then I get low sometimes and it takes over :(

At the moment we are in the process of moving house I have got the opportunity to be really happy so why can't I be!!!!

I can't seem to get excited everytime I think of something positive a negative pops up and I think I'm not going to be here long anyway!! Why do I think like that is it a sign and im really not going to Live much longer or is it just the wY I think ??

It scares me I want to enjoy my family and our new house but I'm scared I won't be around to see it
Does anyone else get these thoughts or am I just a freak :( :(

[Pan9]

No I know exactly how you feel! I have just been promoted at work, have a lovely boyfriend and am due to move into a new house also- I actually have a lot to be happy about....but I still don't feel happy! Keep thinking I shouldn't be getting a mortgage in case I end up with a disease (namely ms) and won't be able to pay for it!!
xx

[ktg123]

Hi ell1877 :)
I am the exact same and have been for years If anything good is happening in my life my mind always thinks well something good happend so now something realy bad is coming (like me dying) Things like birthdays and christmas are realy bad I never think I will make it to christmas I always see and think that I will die before.Even on christmas day in the back of my mind im thinking is this my last christmas.:weep:
I stopped smoking for a few weeks a few months ago and all I could think was what is the point in going through all this stress when i wont be here soon.I hate these thoughts but just cant get rid of them and the inpending doom I feel.So i can really symperthise with you :hugs:
Hope the moving goes well Take care Kim x

[ell1877]

Thanks guys it's nice to know I'm not on my own but it's horrible my little boy cuddles me and I think to myself what does he know does he sense something!!!
Not oh that was sweet bless him it drives me mad

I have a pain/ache in my said and its constantly on my mind n I think well this is it they will find out it's something serious and it'll be too late for me :(

[Pan9]

I'm sure they won't- it is more than likely absolutely nothing but your fear is feeding it, so as to speak. I'm exactly the same...every little twinge sends me into a panic! I spent most of Saturday in tears as my leg was really sore (I've had it before) and I convinced myself that it was a sign of something serious...I just hope one day it stops for both of us xx:hugs:

[ell1877]

Thanku me to it's awful isn't it You can make pains worse yourself can't you just by your mind why do we do it to ourselves I wish I could stop x

[rosi]

No,it's me as well. I'm emerging from a 6 month long HA attack. About 8 times over that six months I have emerged the other side and felt great and looked at all the things I've neglected and rejoiced that I have no worry and then I start to body check again.

Last night I was feeling good and in my mind I thought 'well I cant be having that' and so explored my armpit and ,yep, found a spot there. I seem to be prone to spots in this region but I don't see them as spots I see them as lumps and serious, my current HA attack having centred around breast cancer.

If I see the light and start to think that now I'll enjoy myself I quite deliberately sabotage myself by checking, prodding, clawing at my skin to worsen whatever it is I've found.

I swear if this spot goes I'm never going to check again (I have got a lot better at checking). It seems that my body has got so used to being stressed and my mind so used to fear that happiness is to be feared and chased away.

[ell1877]

Oh my god that is so familiar I found a lump in my side when I was stood with my hand on my hips I went hot cold and panicky this was it I had a lump aaarrrgh
Well I calmed myself down and began examining I couldn't really find a matching one on the other side so that worried me but then I thought it's probably always been there as it's quite lumpy n bumpy when you prod around your stomach/side type area so that was ok

Hmm n now the last few weeks it feels a bit sore around my left side now is this the mind or is it real what if the lump I found is something !!!

I had a full blood count done recently n came back normal so everything should be ok right??

I have to try so hard not to keep prodding around to see if it's there or anything else it's do sad I feel such a freak xx

[honeyp1e]

Am the same I can't remember the last time I was actually happy !! I have a lot to b happy for, I have four fab children / great boyfriend and great family / home etc.. But I just can't ever find myself enjoying and to b honest its gets me so low I just don't wanna be here....WHY ?? If am so unhappy & down ??
I no am feeling this way just because of the anxiety cos if this wasn't with me I month I'd be happy..
But right now I just can't be happy I've found myself stuck in a rut I can't get out.. I do have good days but these good days just mean my anxiety isn't as high as the bad days but I am still suffering I think WHY ME? It is just a phase am going through a challenge in life that will pass or am I stuck like this now forever ?

[kah]

I'm exactly the same.
I moved into a new house in November, it took us 3 months before that to renovate it but I spent the whole time thinking 'it's not really my house because I'm not going to be alive long enough to enjoy living there!'. I try so hard to be positive but it's difficult when I'm 100% sure I have a serious illness.
We were trying to plan some time down with my brother in Devon but was so scared to confirm dates because I honestly didn't think I'd be here. Also every Christmas/birthday I think it's my last and go overboard with photos so that my kids don't forget me when I've gone.

HA is so so hard to deal with but I'm sure we'll all get better, it'll take some time but we'll get there and be able to live normal lives once again.

K xx

[Pan9]

I hope you're right hun...xxx:hugs:

[darcy]

wow.. you all sound like me!!! i only said to my mum the other day, i look round at everyone and think 'why don't they worry about things like i do' ive got a hen night in london soon and instead of looking forward to it, i'm worrying about the journy... i havnt been on holiday for 12 years cause im scared i'll fall ill on the plane, crash or die when i'm there..... i visit my brother and the dog starts wimpering so i think he's picked up the scent of cancer on me and he's trying to warn me.. its mad isnt it!!!?
i'm glad your all here to let off steam to, anyone else would prob lock me away in a white coat lol
xxx

[miggymoggy]

Oh yes, this sounds just like me! Have been trying to adopt a child for 4 years, finally got our daughter in January and ever since I've been convinced I'm going to be diagnosed with a terminal disease (the "c" one) and not be able to enjoy her now I've finally got her! Convinced something will go wrong now I've finally got what I wanted. It's mad! so I'm anxious all the time which has made me lose weight which makes me think I must be ill which makes me anxious, etc, etc, and so on!