View Full Version : controlling relationship
where do i start????
firstly apologies if i have posted in the wrong place.
Im a 35 year old Female, been with my fella for 19 years. had a good career as a retail branch manager for 11 years since school. had an unexpected pregnancy 9 years ago. Had our son following a difficult labour. Resulted in Post natal depression. The company medically retired me in 2004. Havent worked since.
My fella (we are not married) is the worker who brings in all the money. I do EVERYTHING in the house, I dont mind, infact enjoy it. My fella resents me.
Im trying to just give you all bullet points here, because i dont want to write too much.
I cant do a thing right. if i go out its wrong, if i stay in im lazy. he calls me either at home or on my mobile approx 4/5 times throughout the day. mainly to ask if the postman has been, but always follows it up with....what are you doing?
I have been on anti depressants since the birth of our son 9 years ago. I have no confidence and no self esteem.
I have put so much weight on, that i cant bear to look in the mirror naked as i hate the way i look. I wear make-up every single day...but as a mask.
Everything i do is looked as at being crap or not good enough. I dont work, so dont get an income apart from my incapacity benefit. I am getting into serious debt (which he knows nothing about). He expects me to pay for things and rather than have a row about where my money goes i pay it on a credit card.
He has his own business and can on a good day earn up to £400 a day. I dont see any of this money, although he pays mortgage, all household bills etc and if we go out for a meal he always pays for everything.
I would like to be able to pay but have NO money to be able to do so.
im sorry, this has probably all just come out as a mass of words and makes no sense but its hard to talk about. feel a useless failure.
I cant leave him, i have no where to go, no money and no savings. everything is in his name. I have 2 options that i can see. Stay here or suicide.
what is a controlling relationship??? what do i do?? where do i turn??
Hi there :welcome:. That really sounds like no way to live. Could you find out if you have Women's Aid locally and maybe speak to them about what your options are and just get some support? Perhaps you could also or instead speak to your doc. Please don't consider suicide - apart from anything else, I don't think you would want to leave your son in the care of this man. Please stay with us too :hugs: xxx
Thanks for such a prompt reply and such a lovely Welcome.
He is not a bad person, he has never hit me and loves our son to bits. He can be incredibly caring to others too, is very generous to homeless people and by no way is a monster. But just has this major issue with me.
Its so hard to explain 19 years worth of issues to strangers. I feel like i need to let a stranger get into my head to be able to obtain advice.
I would have no worries about leaving our son with him as our son is treated exceptionally well.
there are just sooooooo many issues to talk about, i just dont know where to start. Today as an example..walked our son to school, took both dogs with me. walked home. had arranged to meet a few friends at a local pub for breakfast as it was a friends birthday. He was in the lounge having his breakfast. I went in with my handbag and shoes. he said 'where are you going?' i said where i was going, he said 'you went out on Friday night to celebrate her birthday!' I told him that it was actually her birthday today and we had flowers, a balloon and card for her. he then got really annoyed, told me that i had no money and that there was things in the house that needed doing such as painting etc. I told him that i wasnt going to be long. he clearly wasnt happy about it.
I told him that he was very controlling and he told me he wasnt.
I do understand what you are saying. It's at least something that he doesn't abuse you physically but that doesn't necessarily mean the relationship isn't harmful to you. I think it's quite common for people who treat their partner in not good ways to seem perfectly normal and nice to the rest of the world. Helping homeless people is great - but it's not great that he treats you the way he does. He may love his son but IMO he's not setting him a very good example. Are you able to talk to your friends about the way things are? I think it would be good to get some support from somewhere xxx
ohhh dear sounds like my hubby,,who went through this,,i got called fat and ugly,,if i put makeup on i was told he didnt know why as i was still ugly,,id been bullied at home so allowed the words to effect me big time to the point,,i became a mousey little housewife,,i took years of it,,till i became ill,,thats when the worm turned,,he said one day after id painted a picture,,look at the state of that,,i was proud of my picture,,ok it was no master piece but id enjoyed painting,,anyway i turned in my seat just looked at him,,and said if you can do better do it,,thats when it all changed,,if he says im fat,,i,ll agree yup its true,,ugly nahhhhh besides ugly are those who are cruel,, when he couldnt pull me down with words he raised his hand to me,,i told if he was going to hit me do it well,,and dont sleep too sound because id get my own back,,but when i looked into things i found he,d been bullied at work,,and as he has aspbergers he cant show any feelings,,his no longer cruel,,although we dont talk,,and he still shows no feelings or affection,,but i took him on for life so thats how it is,,but with your hubby he sounds like his very insecure,,perhaps he thinks he will lose you,,if you go out,,so he gives you no money so you cant,,i think far from not caring his scared of getting hurt,,
thank you so much. Yes i do have friends who i can talk to, but tbh would prefer to do it to strangers because i feel embarrassed and a failure talking to my friends. I did tell one of them about todays scenario and we had a giggle by saying i would be better off if i ran on batteries and were controlled by a remote!!!
HypnosWisher
15-03-11, 14:51
Hi NMP,
Sorry to read about your problems. I was in a controlling relationship for 2 and half years with a girl and it is not a nice place to be. Luckily for me there was no kids involved. Unfortunately there is no right or wrong answer. There are many supportive people on this forum that will listen and be able to help guide you through your troubles. I would suggest maybe confiding in a friend. Don't feel it is a sign of weakness as identifying problems is the first step of a journey to make things more positive again. Hang in there.
:hugs:
harasgenster
15-03-11, 15:46
Hi
I was also in a controlling relationship for 2.5 years, although thankfully we did not have kids. I lost all my self-esteem and came out of the relationship a different person - it's taken me six years to get used to doing some of the things I used to before that relationship again without fear.
When you're in a relationship like that, you do say that he is a good man, there are good points to his personality. I did this but I did this because I was terrified of what would happen if I didn't, it was like I thought he had cameras on me all the time, I was terrified he might find out. He wasn't physically abusive but he was much taller than me and he could push me into a corner and shout loud around an inch from my face. He could pick me up from a sitting position and physically place me around the room. Just because they don't hit you, doesn't man they're not abusive.
For ages I told myself that he was a good man, but he ruined a good part of my life and telling myself constantly that he was a good person made it so much worse, because I ended up feeling guilty - why can't I make this good person, who helps others so much, proud and happy of me? Why does he have such a problem specifically with me?!
Now, the person above is right. He is probably acting this way because he is insecure but that's no excuse. I understand why you don't want to tell friends. In my case, my guy could put on such a good act outside of the home that people didn't believe me even when I eventually told them! But if you explain they will eventually believe. No one doubts what I say about him now. Tell someone you are close to, maybe your parents if you are comfortable with them?, and find some support through professional networks.
It's important that you are able to see the way out of this. It sounds like you want to leave and you can. I know it's a big step when there's kids involved but you have people who love and care for you and I'm sure you'll find that if you ask for help you will get it.
Take care and good luck x
Have you ever considered getting couple counselling? Sounds like you have a huge communication breakdown... perhaps you need the impartiality of a third party? If you are considering suicide as "the only way out", don't you think you owe it to your son to find the strength to fight a bit harder? You say that he will be fine with his father... but what about the impact on his mental health if his mother commits suicide?
Hi I have read all of this thread and whilst i agree with most of the comments the thing that rings out to me is that people who put you down are doing it because they are already down there and want you to join them. Also when you are bullied this way you become complient to keep the piece which i totally understand and the fact that he controls the money says it all he controls it. Try not to get in anymore debt as the stress of it may make you feel down...
There are loads of people on here for you please stay with us and the little one...
Hope you fell better soon...
once again. Thanks for the replies.
Been going to this course thing for the past few weeks. This week the topic was Assertiveness. Got a lot out of today and i am going to try my hardest to be more assertive in this relationship.
Hi.I was married to a man that was controlling,woman basher and mental abuse,he used to keep me away from friends and family,I was called ugly for years,he used to put me down in front of all his mates.One night he came home pissed and laid the boot into me I was 28 weeks pregnant I lost that child,plus 2 more.I could not have kids after that,he did to much damage.I finally got out of there with the help of family,friends and the Police.Now I have my life back after long sessions in therapy,I am now studying and working part time in the Women's shelter where i spent some time.The mongrel is in Prison now where I hope he rots.So my dear if you are frightened in any way of him you should leave.In my case he used to apologise and say it would never happen again,but it did.You Take Care of you and your son.
Love Lola x:hugs:
well, another day. Tried my assertiveness which failed miserably! went something like this...Him-we need to go shopping tonight. Me- No, its too late tonight, we will go tomorrow. Him- NO, we will go tonight.
I failed....I will try again though.
Another kick in the teeth after looking in my sons school bag and finding a paper people chain that he had done at school, each paper person was a family member. The only one out of 5 people with a sad face was me. when i challenged him about this. My son said its because you are always sad and miserable because of Daddy and stuff. Clearly all this shit is affecting him.
Im a little pre menstrual so feeling ultra sensitive, but not sure how much more i can take. I seem to have a real bad snoring condition at the moment too which is causing rows during the night. I dont even realise im snoring and keeping him awake until i get a kick in the leg or a whack in the back, and a "F***ing shut up".
I just feel that i have no quality of life anymore. he has torn away every last bit of confidence and self esteem i had. He doesnt say im fat or ugly or use any nasty spiteful words, but will say things like ...I have to get a good nights sleep, ive got to work all day tomorow. he says it in a tone which straight away refers to the fact im not working and at home for the day. I desperatly would like to work, but in honesty i think he would make it impossible for me.
When he bought a new family car, he told me that he doesnt want my friends to go in it. he said that he doesnt work his guts out for my no-hoper friends to ride around in.
The only time my friends would ever go in the car would be if i went shopping to tescos or something and they would come with me as company for me.
We have this hands-free system in the car but i could never use it should my friends be with me as i would be so ashamed by the way he speaks to me, i couldnt let my friends here it. in a way i suppose i am protecting him.
today at 2pm, a few other mums from school (my friends) are going to an afternoon Bingo session in the town. I would love to go, but have had to say No, because if he Rings me and asks where i am he would get so angry and all the verbal abuse would start...something along the lines of " F***ing brilliant, so im out working while you are out swanning around with your mates". He is so predictable, i know that is what he would say and then i would be so worried about the reaction i would get when i get home that i wouldnt enjoy it anyway. its just best to stay home.
SWhen i was upset and crying last week, he asked me what was wrong and i told him i was feeling fed up etc. and his response was..i need to do something. i said to him...what can i do? to which he said, you are at home all day doing nothing, yes you keep the house clean and tidy but thats all.
I kind of want to print this whole thread off and show him, but i just know his response would be ...F***s sake, i aint that bad!!!! thought about suicide every single day now for the past 2 weeks, how i could do it, where i would do it etc, i just havent got the guts. I'm so bloody useless, knowing my luck it wouldnt work.
My son is so happy when he is with him, Im just the wicked witch who makes him brush his teeth, go to school, go to bed, do his homework. Daddy is the fun parent, the one who buys him expensive things and takes him to exciting places. I have absolutely NOTHING material to offer him. If i was to leave this relationship, how could i take our son with me???? I couldnt take him away from his home and all his things. Like i said i have no money, no life and as far as i can see No future whatsoever.
Please please please dont think im looking for any sympathy card here. im not. I have simply got to that stage in my life where i am a total doormat, and i want out.
Thanks for reading (if you got this far xxx)
Hi again :hugs: I read it all. You might not want sympathy but you have mine anyway. I understand what a difficult situation you find yourself in, because there isn't an easy way out. I used to always think my kids would see me as the "bad" mummy because I was the one who did all the nagging etc, but I know they love me and I can especially see that through the relationship I have with them now they are teenagers.
Your son clearly loves you and is obviously more aware of the way your relationship with his father affects you than you might have imagined.
Isolating you from your friends is another classic act of control.
Just wanted to know there are people here for you and listening xxx
Lola :hugs: to you too. Your experience was horrendous. So glad you managed to break free and piece your life back together. What you have achieved is amazing xxx
Thanks once again for the reply Jane and Yes Lola, well done for finding the courage to move your life on. xx
hi All,
Had a brilliant weekend, but yesterday was rubbish and so is today. It seems that i am unable to cope with anything out of the ordinary. something very minor can happen and i cant cope.
Hi nmp, glad you enjoyed the weekend. Why have the last 2 days been crap??
Just a foot note... can you get into the chat rooms yet...? if so come in tonight i will be in there and there are loads of people you can talk to and if you dint want to talk to everyone you can private chat with a memeber in there...
it just seems that as soon as my fella is back to work he gets grumpy, miserable etc. Of course i am the only one for him to vent his anger on, so i get the vocal abuse.
weekends are normally always good, because we do stuff as a family.
I cant really get on to the chat in the evenings because of my man being around and wanting to know what im doing.
That sounds a bit unfair... Does he hate his job? Have you spoken to him about how he makes you feel when he is like this? I take it he does not know you are signed up with this site? If you need to my email is on my profile or you can private message me on here and you can contact me anytime... Take care... I will be in and out most of the day as i am at work so keep posting if you want to vent and i will try and reply...
Thank you xxxx
No he doesnt know im on here. Yep, tried to talk to him...Many times in fact!
Your welcome.... so whats his answer when you talk to him?
:)hiya, i hope you dont mind me adding to this thread - i am so anti-bullying, i had to get involved - where is the line between bullying and abuse? does it matter anyway because ppl who are bullying are essentially abusing you? - if he had perfect conditions in his life would he still be like this with you? if you think the answer is yes, which i suspect it would be - even if he had a job he liked and no money worries, once ppl think they can treat you like this they will - for me in my own situation the most painful, part and i guess its the same for you, is that the person doing the bullying is your husband who is supposed to love, cherish and support you, not take his frustrations out on you? - id say forget counselling - i did it, they will try to see his point of view too which wont make you feel any better at all - he is bullying you, even though he is your husband - accept this and then your depression may lift and you may be able to take positive action - i felt exactly the same, and ive only got one friend and i hardly ever see her, so i had to do it alone - although i did have my sister to talk to on the phone and she is going through similar - and for her as well no matter what ppl say she doesnt feel at this point, like me that there is a way out - what i have done is take citalopram so i didnt feel depressed by his antics and also to DEFEND myself!!!!!! as hard and painful as this has been, becasue i didnt want to have to do it, it has paid dividends, however i dont feel the same about him anymore and that can stilll hurt, but the meds help with that - let me ask you this - why should you who isnt a bully be looking for a way out of life? you need to get angry with the actual bully! even if that is just inside, coz i dont advocate you putting yourself in any danger - also with regards your son - kids are much much cleverer than adults, they see things with clarity, he will know whats going on and he will not love his dad anymore than you, but his dad is playing the game and your son is benefitting, what kid doesnt want to have fun or have stuff? but if that was all he had his life would become meaningless and he'd become like his dad - he needs you to balance his dad - so dont think anymore about ending it - go to your docs, get some meds, continue to see your friends, dont even waste your breath telling him it has nothing to do with him who your freinds are - he's prob jealous you've got some -and start to carve out a life for yourself - it is really hard when you have a child, because you are very limited when you can work, how about jobs in schools? or volunteering in your childs school, and then maybe doing a teaching assistant course which would prob only be a couple of hours in the evening? or distance learning or anything that makes you feel like going on for you and your son? get thinking about all the things you like, the things that make you happy and the things you could try to help even if its only a little bit, and bear in mind you do have friends - they are priceless really for something to do and for distraction - why not start jogging or cycling with one, bingo is good but it is expensive and addictivwe and unless you win its not much fun and its then a waste of money too? me and that friend i mentioned sometimes go, but it always makes me feel flat, she is loaded and addicted but i cant afford to get a habit - so why not try something that might help you get fit and feel better about yourself and also can help to lift depression? i hope ive helped and not bored you to death? take care, emma :hugs:
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