Accepting my illness

[sarah1984]

Hello all! I used to be a regular visitor to NMP in 2006/7 and this is my first visit back for several years. In 2006 I had to take a year out of uni suffering from severe GAD/depression. Happily, I made a full recovery and I was really well from Nov 06 to July 10. However, on 2nd July last year, I plummeted back down into anxiety/depression and my life went from heaven to hell literally over night. I've had to give up my job, my flat, my wedding plans, my driving lessons etc and move back in with my parents. There was absolutely no trigger for my relapse and it was such a terrible shock because I genuinely thought I would never be ill again.

I'm still struggling on but I'm absolutely determined to get well again.
I've now come to realise that I'm predisposed to anxiety/depression :weep: and that I'll probably experience mental health problems again further down the line. However, I'm really struggling to accept this. I would be really grateful to hear from other members who've had several episodes of anxiety/depression and have learnt to accept their problems. How do you manage to enjoy the good times when you know you could become ill again? Is it possible? I really hope so ....

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Sarah I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing anxiety and depression again. My diagnosis is 'severe recurrent depression' currently stable. I have had numerous depressive episodes throughout my adult life. I have had hospital admissions and I am now on meds which I will probably be on for life. I hope that you haven't abandoned alll your plans and that your boyfriend stood by you? Has your pdoc indicated that you will stay on meds indefinitely? You have the capacity within yourself to get well. For me this time I have monthly visits to my GP, My psychiatrist who I see when necessary (last visit in June) I have tried most sorts of therapy and they have all helped in their own way. Most recently I have found hypnosis to be helpful. If I was seriously ill again I would try meds first and hypnosis. I am married and have a son of thirteen. I also work part time and belong to three choirs. Music is also therapy and I have supportive friends including my boss. I am taking lithium and mirtazapine. It is easy to forget how severe and debilitating depression can be. No-body knows the complete story only my family and I have plenty of skeletons in the cupboard! I do worry that the doctors treating me will retire or move away. Take small steps at first to build up your confidence. You might not have any more episodes of depression. Try to have some support strategies in place in case you become ill again. EJ

[lior]

Scary stuff. I've only been acutely depressed for one episode - after that, being mildly depressed on and off during most of my teenage years doesn't seem to count.



How do you manage to enjoy the good times when you know you could become ill again? Is it possible? I really hope so ....

I think you know the answer to that... enjoy the good times while they're there. There's no point thinking about being depressed when you're in a happy moment - except if you can manage being aware that you have been depressed and you're happy right now, without it affecting your happiness, to appreciate the moment more.

You have felt all these feelings before, and you have overcome them. If you could do it that first time round, you can certainly do it now, with the years of experience you have had since then. Your previous depression made you stronger; a more complex, wise person.

Every experience we have, we can learn from - and we learn more from the bad experiences than the good. What did you learn the last time you were depressed?

I don't think it's a good idea to resign yourself to the idea that you'll be in and out of depression your whole life. You don't know what the future holds - this could be your only relapse. It's good to be aware of all the possibilities, but often we make self-fulfilling prophecies about our lives. Think what the best future would be, and will it to happen. You might not get what you want, but at least you can try. If you think you'll be in and out of depression for the rest of your life, it's going to happen - so don't think about that.

Good luck. Remember there is a strength in you that has overcome depression before. You just need to bring it out again. xxx

[ElizabethJane]

Dear Sarah I assume that you are talking about depression that completely overwhelms you and comes out of the blue? If this is the case then no amount of 'prevention ' will stop it happening. This has been true in my case. When I was younger I thought 'if I get married I will never become depressed again' not true. If I become pregnant I will not become ill again' untrue. I think that you need to have a chat with your pdoc/GP and ask them what the prognosis is for you? You can still live an active and fullfilling life (I have) Don't give up on your dreams. I wish you well EJ.

[haz]

Hello all! I used to be a regular visitor to NMP in 2006/7 and this is my first visit back for several years. In 2006 I had to take a year out of uni suffering from severe GAD/depression. Happily, I made a full recovery and I was really well from Nov 06 to July 10. However, on 2nd July last year, I plummeted back down into anxiety/depression and my life went from heaven to hell literally over night. I've had to give up my job, my flat, my wedding plans, my driving lessons etc and move back in with my parents. There was absolutely no trigger for my relapse and it was such a terrible shock because I genuinely thought I would never be ill again.

I'm still struggling on but I'm absolutely determined to get well again.
I've now come to realise that I'm predisposed to anxiety/depression :weep: and that I'll probably experience mental health problems again further down the line. However, I'm really struggling to accept this. I would be really grateful to hear from other members who've had several episodes of anxiety/depression and have learnt to accept their problems. How do you manage to enjoy the good times when you know you could become ill again? Is it possible? I really hope so ....

Sorry to hear you're unwell again. Are you currently on medication? Have you been medicated since 2006?

I've been medicated since 1993. A hospital admission in 1994, another one in 1996, then NONE until last year when I was hospitalised in May for 7 weeks and again in November 2010 - January 2011. I've been told that I have a psychiatric disorder that will probably require me to be medicated for the rest of my life. I accepted my illness a long time ago and realise that I have to keep my life as stress-free as possible or I become ill. I have good days and bad days. I believe my latest relapse was due to a series of traumatic life events which happened quite close together. I also think it might be hormone related (I'm 42). However, I am looking forward to CBT therapy as I think I need to challenge my thoughts and be more positive about things and not worry so much about everything but that's easier said than done when you have an Anxiety Disorder!

Hope you feel better soon. :hugs:

[sarah1984]

Dear all,

Thank you for your responses.

ElizabethJane - My main problem is anxiety but my psychiatrist has given me a diagnosis of severe anxiety and depression with obsessive thoughts (why not throw the whole book at me!?!). My obsession revolves around a fear of something terrible happening to me that would be so frightening that I would either have to commit suicide/spend the rest of my life struggling with anxiety/depression without getting better. The psychiatrist has told me that I should stay on medication for the rest of my life and I don't have a problem with that at all except the meds don't seem to be doing anything for me at the mo. My bf is wonderful and it's him that keeps me going. I'm so glad that you have been able to achieve your dreams despite recurrent episodes of depression - thanks for sharing your experiences with me.

Lior - Wise words - I know when I do make a recovery from this, I won't feel so fearful of it happening in the future because I'll know it will be possible to go through hell and come out the other side. And when I am well, I want to make the most of every single moment!

Wishing you all well - keep strong!

[harasgenster]

Hi
I'm sorry to hear you have been unwell and I hope you begin to feel better soon. I actually strongly believe that in most cases, depending on whether there is a psychiatric dimension to your illness, affective disorders don't need to be a lifelong condition. I'm not a doctor, so I really don't have a clue, but the word "affective" has always given me hope. It might not be possible to completely rid yourself of anxiety and depression - these are normal emotions anyway - but it may be possible to learn techniques to prevent these episodes turning into a disorder again. That's my opinion anyway. So while it's good to accept that you're ill and you have to do something about it, I always think that, for most of us, it's a case of realising that affective disorders are not psychiatric disorders - we are lucky in that we've got a much greater chance of getting out of this, so don't feel like you need to give up!

Are you sure there wasn't a trigger? Unless you're going to go with the "sudden imbalance in brain chemistry" theory then it's likely that something you were unaware of happened in your mind to bring on the episode. Have you seen a therapist to double check there was no trigger? If you were able to get to the root of this and understand why you ever became depressed in the first place, you might be able to get some idea of how to avoid being depressed again in the future.

Of course, I say this, but I have never had a period of wellness since my disorder began so I realise I'm in a different boat and I may not totally understand your situation. It's great you had those times, though. Keep remembering that you've already proved you have no need to be depressed. :)

I hope everything goes well for you.

[Anxiousgal]

Sarah - what med are you taking and for how long? Maybe you need to try something else medwise? Hope you feel better soon.