what IS the matter with me

[Paddington]

i m typing my way thru bad PA,started as soon as i got up,dizzy,numb feet and hands ,feelin sick,head hurts,jaw stiff[tht's new!]the usual 'i'm dying' scenario.i am hoping typing will make it go away.i do think that even tho i had a good day yesterday ,i am so full of grief that it is causing this anxiety.i sooo wanted to howl my head off yesterday when i'd put the obituary in,but i swallowed it down as my Son ws there and i didn't want him to be angry or think i was being over the top[it is his best friend who has died you see]but i loved him too,very much and cant believe i wont see him again.well now i am shakin and cryin so i guess i am right in thinking this is grief,and despair that a life has been wasted[he killed himself]i've known him since he was 4 yrs old,and he was 30 when he died.so thats a lot of years isn't it?it was a cry for help that went tragically wrong,and it is haunting me.i know time will make the pain less and it helps to tell the forum,but sometimes you need someone to hold you and let you cry.but i am the 'strong' one and hve to support my Son.I am finding it very hard today.thanks for reading this.thank you Dawn for your beautiful card,it is special as it aknowledges MY grief.i will treasure it.P A subsiding some what,so that is a relief,still feel numb in the arms ,horrid this sensation.i wonder if i am havin a rection to the medicine i am takin for my cystitus??dont feel right at all.oh lord,it's sweepinover me again,gunna go in to the garden folks,got get thru it.love mary-rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[mirry]

hI MARY,

I am so sorry to read about your sons friend, something like what has happened would really really shake you up.
Last month my friends husband comitted suicide and i was just like you really shaken up, you see they live across the road to me and I didnt know the ambulance was for her house ,i thought it was for the eldery next door. When someone dies like this it leaves everyone feeling confused and full of grief. I remember thinking if only i popped over the road and stopped him doing it.
You are allowed your time to grieve and have a good cry for your loss, dont bottle it in and please remember he isnt suffering any more, he is in peace. It takes time mary and remember everyone on this forum is here for you.

mirryx

[wendy]

Hi Mary

My thoughts are with you and your son, A sucide is such a hard thing to cope with (my dad died this way when I was 15). Please take time to grieve and look after yourselves and take counselling if you feel it is needed, If you ever need a chat please feel free to contact me

Take Care

Wendy xx

[Paddington]

thank you for replying to my post,i have pm'ed you all.Feeling drained today and quite poorly[mind you have got cysitus!]funeral on monday and my Son wants to go with his brother while i wait at his flat!What can i do,but respect his wishes.i would probably goto pieces any way ,and his Mom doesn't need that!Well thank you again ,love mary.xxxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[sassy]

hi mary, sorry for your loss. grief comes in all shapes and sizes, there is never a right or wrong way.
my ex commited suicide after i ended the relationship, and altho it happened 9 years ago, never a day goes by when he isnt in my thoughts. when he died i thought my heart was tearing in two..i found writing letters to him, or writing my feelings down helped. i cried every second (crying helps) of the day for what seemed like forever. talk/cry/write..i also spoke to the samaritans, they called me every night for over a month.
perhaps speak to a grief counsellor? suicide is a tough thing for anyone to get their head around. of course you must be there for your son, but you must deal with your grief in able to keep strong for him xxx
(im here if you need a chat)

[carlin]

Hello Mary, so very sorry you are going through this, my feelings are with you all at this most dreadful time. xx

[Paddington]

thank you so much sassy and carlin,for your thoughts and understanding.god bless you.love mary-rose.xxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[Keitharcher]

Hi Mary

My thoughts are with you and i can understand why you are so upset. Dont be ashamed to cry, its one of natures ways of allowing us to vent our feelings.

Keith

[Coni]

Hi Mary,

I'm really sorry for what you are going through just now. I agree with Keith, allow yourself to cry, tears are healing. I'm thinking of you and your son.

Take care

Coni X

[Paddington]

thanks Kieth AND Connie for your kind toughts and support,i do keep having moments of overwhelming sorrow and have to have a weep.i know people on here TRULY understand how i/we are feeling and i thank you for that,god bless,love mary-rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[clickaway]

Hi Mary,

I'm so sorry to hear about this. You may need time to have some space at first, but do consider some bereavement counselling to help you through. You are in a state of shock so you will suffer all these symptoms, some of which will be new. They are not harming you, so try not to be afraid of them. Of course, people could have said that to me many a time, and it doesn't seem to make a difference, but I hope it does.

Remember that time is a healer.

Hugs,


Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers

[ashley]

Dearest mirry.
Sorry to hear of a tragic loss, how awful was that to happen and young too.. you and your son must be so so hurting right now, but its true it will get easyier.
My best mates little sister killed herself and it was just so upsetting, hard for them though because there was no reasons for it,she was due to get married .. dont get it.. how sad.
Your be fine mary and your son,,, oviously it takes time and time heals hay..what more can one say..

thinking of you , and we are hear for you .pm when ever you feel the need.


ashley x

[Piglet]

Mary rose - I have no clever words to say hun but I am thinking of you and your son at this very sad time.

Love Piglet xx

[Paddington]

dear nigel,clickaway,ashley and piglet,thank you all for youe kind words,ash i am so sorry about your friends sister,it is the shock and an apparent waste of a young life that shakes us all so i think.yesterday went well,my son told me it was standing room only and that his brother and mother were very brave.i mustsay on sunday night i had a wonderful experience!i used my reiki to send love and healing Dave and his family,and to myself and my sons,to all friends and family who were so broken by dave's death.I went into almost a trance[never happened before]i found myself talking to Dave,he was with his Dad!sitting in a meadow,it was beautiful!he told me to let him go as he didn't wnt to deal with my pain and he was happy,more was said but i will keep that private in case any one who knew him reads this!Well,i felt strong and positive yesterday managed the drive to my son's flat[coming back is another story!!!]no tears,i sat with the dog and wa very calm ,saic some prayers 4 everyone at the funeral,but felt that Dave was not there,but somewhere calm and beautiful.so,that's hoe it's gone so far,and thank you all for your support and loving thoughts,it means soooo much.More driving today!going to pick my Daughter up from work[at a different place .further away!!!!]will take someone with me,but am determined to do it!will let you knowhow it goes!love mary-rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[Alexandra]

Dear Mary

Was thinking of you throughout yesterday & i was so glad you had my no so you could txt at anytime.

I know what grief is like to lose someone you care about so much. Time is a great healer so the saying goes & we are all here for you every step of the way.

(((((((((((((((((Mary))))))))))))))))))))))

Take Care

Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

[ashley]

Hi mary
You are sounding like you dealing very well ,, dispite the situation well done for this.Things will get better ..it is hard to except , but as days pass, you will begin to feel a little easyier .. and as hard as it may be the family too..
When i say my prayers tonight i will pray for healing to be sent to you , your son and thier family too..

Pm me love if youde like a chat

with love ashley xxxxx

[Paddington]

just read these,thank you sooo much,it means so much to know you guys are there.Hope you all doing well too[being a bit shut off at present]you are never far from my thoughts[specially when i doing somthing that scares me,i feel you spurring me on,lorks,with the ammount of drivin ,i gunna end up in John 'o' groats!!!!!!!]he he he he!!love m'rose.xxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[Paddington]

well,i drove to the college to get laura[gulp]and back[gulp gulp]i do wish the fear would at least START TO LESSEN!Oh well,faint heart never won fair maiden,or words to that effect!So going again at 5.15!not on my own,i admit[not sure of the way,i could get lost in my own back garden!]feeling more like my old self ,specially since 'my chat' with Dave.thanks you guys.love mary-rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[dawnym]

Hi mary just wanted to say you are such a nice person and I am here for you anytime :D

love n hugs Dawn

[Paddington]

dawn you are a treasure,you really are.Had good drive yesterday with my daughters boyfriend,he is so patient and kind.he couldnt believe how much i was trembling!!and he said there is nothing wrong with my driving,just lack of confidence.Had day off today tho.start again after Easter.Have a good one ,Dawn and everybody else too.love mary[hell on wheels,he he he ]xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[Paddington]

Dear nigel,those vibes did work,and it was alovely thing for you to do,thanks again......It was a magical place that i went to Nigel,and i find all things spiritual very comforting.I had blip all over Easter,panicky and anxious.I went to ludlow,and it was too busy,so i freaked,i thought i was going to do arunner and lose control,when low and behold,a little chid came running past and STOPPED right in front of me,he had lovely rosey cheeks,and he smiled and said hello,he kept looking and smiling[he was only about two!]he sai Nana and pointed to a lady sitting on a bench,seemongly unpeturbed by his talking to me!Well he toddled off,but every so often ,turned round and waved and said 'bye-bye',he kept it up 4 it seemed ages.All i know is when i looked back later they were gone ,and so was my panic and anxiety,an earth angel at work i think?????If you believe in angelic realms and trust them they will help you ,of this i am sure.I wll ask them about the whizzing about in my car ithink too!!Lovely to talk to you ,as always.lovemary-rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore