View Full Version : My Story
I find it hard to put it all into words so bare with me on this.
Im not bitter about my life & what has happened in it but i maintain what i have gone through is down to my father. I have slowly been building bridges with him over the last two year, previous to that i had'nt spoken to him in two years.
From 11 years old i have suffered with panic attacks on & off some bad some not so.
As far back as i can remember like a few people have said on here with parents or a parent who belittles their child that happened to me. I was regularly told i was stupid etc & again as others have said if i got something right in school then it was just a fluke, i never got any praise for any reports either. Luckly though i do have a wonderful mum & that helped & has helped so much.
He also had a big problem with drink when i was growing up & myself & others would say he is an alcoholic, i would sit there in fear of what kind of a state he would come home from the pub in, he would regularly start arguments so he could have an excuse to go to the pub again, he would also when talking to mum & i come right up close to our faces it put the fear of hell in me. (i now cannot stand someone to get close to me when they have had a few drinks the stench on the breath makes me feel so sick)
In my life time i have been pushed up against a door by him, he has held me by my ankles over a balcony & ive had a knife put to my ribs (two of those incidents was when he was under the influence of drink)
At 27 i finally went to my doctor as after 3 years of starting work in a call centre & life at home being unbearable (my mum by then was helping to look after my then baby neice in London) i got signed off with depression, i had felt down for a while but tried to carry on the best i could but had to admit to myself i was just very tired of everything that had gone on work wise & home wise.
It was in this period that i decided to take an overdose then i realised what i had done & became frightened, i told my mum what i had done & she of course immediatly rang for an ambulance, i had an over nights stay in the emergency ward that monitored me every hour, next day i was told id taken about 200mg (i was told i had given it a damn good go) I swear now i will never ever put my family & close friends through that ever again, in the cold light of day i realised how selfish i was to do that & all the upset & distress it would have caused if anything had happened. (Please note in a million years i never thought i would do anything like suicide, i really scared myself that day).
After having the time out things started to look & feel better but in early 2003 my wonderful aunty had a massive asthma attack & died all very sudden, a few months later my lovely Uncle died from terminal cancer. However there was light there as in late April of that year i met my future husband Chris who has been so supportive, very kind & means the world to me.
I tried getting back into the swing of the call centre but had lost my confidence with it so asked for a transfer to the admin dept which is in another area of Bristol. It was there again i was to meet a bully of a supervisor that no matter what i did nothing seemed good enough again i tried & tried but i just was'nt strong enough to take stuff like that anymore i had already been physically drained enough. I went to my boss & told him what was happening but he didint seem to want to understand & seemed to try & brush things under the carpet, i then went to his boss who i had worked with previously in the call centre, by then though it was to late though i was so low i just used to cry buckets at lunch time on the phone to Chris who was very upset & worried about me & angry that nothing was being done to help. Again i went back to my doc who once again signed me off & that is where i had been in limbo since as the depression & anxiety went into agoraphobia in late 2004. Work had been willing to keep my job open for me & get me into a different office from this supervisor but i just couldnt get my head round any of i
Paddington
07-04-06, 12:11
dear Alex,i will text u any way,but i know how important it is to get replies when you have opened your heart.I am glad you have told your story,as you have kept this to yourself,whilst being very supportive to others on the forum[me included]i know it is sometimes easier to help others than recieve help.I t can make you feel vunerable.I too was 11 when i had my 1st panic attack[spooky !!]and had a drinker for a parent[hey one day mayb i'll spill the beans too!!]so i can empathise with you totally.You have been very brave today so you chill and rest and KNOW that we are here for you dearest alex.love Mary-rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore
Southern_Belle
07-04-06, 13:11
Alex,
I think it has been very brave of you to tell your story. My husband lived with an abusive drinker father and unlike your mother, his mother also became a drinker and joined him. He had no support at all! His childhood did not contain any love. His poor sister cannot still hug anybody not even her own brother! The abuse that can go on from parents who abuse alcohol is appalling! I am so glad you are still here! You are such a strong person to have gotten help and to be able to help others. I am sure with the support of your husband and the steps you have taken you will overcome this and be able to go out again. To me, you have been very brave.
Bel
Thanks Mary & Bel
Really appreciate your words of support.
Mary, Thankyou for being there & im glad to have been of support to you.
Bel, Im so sorry to hear your husband went through the same with his parents, at least he has you now & you are there for each other.
Take Care
Alex
Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart
Hello Alex
You have been so friendly and supportive to me since I joined and I just wanted to say that you are very brave for putting your story down in words. Perhaps it will even feel therapeutic for you after the drained feeling wears off. I know that sometimes when I put thoughts into words it makes it all seem clearer in my mind.
I am sure that you will get through this with the help of Chris who from what you say is a totally devoted partner.
Hugs
Spice
xxx
Thanks Spice
Yes i think that writing it all down like this has help alot. I also feel better for having done this as well.
Take Care
Alex
Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart
As a child that must of been very frightening,and i can fully understand the way you feel and why? poor you...
My ex- was extremley violent especially under the infulence of drink..infact he was a physco and tried drowning me,strangling me and all sorts of horror storys.. this is part of the reason im caught up in my anxiety and depression..i so understand how you must be feeling.. i also am riddled with guilt as my 12 year old daughter saw the last time he hurt me..he badley beat me up in frount of her ,she was so scared and told me exactley how she felt.. she ran to the nieghbours ,they rang the poilce and he did time in prison...
my whole story from beginning to end is awful and i feel so useless and worthless because of it all, i know exactley how you fee..im worried about my daughter ... really expecially as she is a constant little worrier...its all my fault..
I am so sorry for the bad times that you have had to go through alex...i hope my daughter doesnt grow up and feel the same way as you do alex, because she could couldnt she after what she witnessed..
Im sure the sun will shine from now on...especially with your lovley surportive partner there by yourside.
ashley
Hi Alex
Just read your message.
Your openness will give inspiration to all others who can identify with you.
It is good to get all the past out and the time must have been right for you to do so.
I dont know you personally but I do know that you have a great strength and ability to say the right words to others suffering and your words of wisdom that you have spoken on this website will have helped many others.
What happens in our past has a huge impact on how we live our life and you can hold your head up high and look at the kind and caring person you have become. Your fiance Chris is a very lucky man.
I wish you both well for your future together and remember you have inner strength and courage.
Take care
Darkangel
........life is for living not just for surviving
Thanks Ashley & Dark
Im so sorry to hear what you & your daughter went through Ash. Its certainly something that none of us should have to go through. Hugs to your & your daughter Ash (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
Dark, Thanks for your good wishes to Chris & i we really appreciate it.
Take Care
Alex
Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart
Hi Alex,
I'm glad you've felt able to put everything into words. Sometimes it can be very helpful to 'open up'. You have been through such a lot, both at home and work and you show real kindness and support to others on these boards. Its wonderful that you have found such a lovely partner and have your wedding to look forward to and you obviously possess great personal strength.
You have been very kind to me since I started visiting this site and I would just like to say thank you.
Take care
Coni X
Hi Alex, not really a lot to say that hasent been said but well done on writing your story, it definitly helps to open up, thanks for the support you give to me too.xxx
Thankyou Coni & Alexis
For you kind words i know that you have both gone through so much too & im so happy that in someway i have helped you both with support as well.
Take Care
Alex
Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart
hey alex!!!
FOUND IT!!! nice to hear your story!! good luck for ur last cbt- let us know how u get on!!!!!!
Ammegxxxxx
Hi Ammeg
Yes i finally got to writing it up. As i said before found it very hard to do but it is done now & it was the best thing i could have done.
Take Care
Alex
Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart
Hi Alex
I think that was very brave of you to write such an open post about your history and why you have ended up in the position you are in today. Recognising how and why, and then working on accepting, letting go and moving forward is a way to recovery.
I've had emotional problems for most of my life and it still causes me a lot of hurt and upset to talk about it. I was never physically hurt as a child, but through therapy have learned that what I experienced was emotional abuse. It has taken me a long time to accept that this is the case, and at times I still blame myself. Those constant put downs and being told I was worthless and my birth was a mistake still haunts me today.
I am glad the CBT has been helpful and if you keep working at it you can and will get there. You have been strong enough to come this far and can make it the rest of the way.
We are all here with you.
Karen
Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of travelling.
You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough ~ Christine Cagney, Cagney & Lacey
Hi karen
Thanks for your message i appreciate it.
We are all here to support you as well.
Take Care
Alex
Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart
Hi Alex,
I can't add much to the things others have already said but you did so well to write all that down and post it, well done you. It can be therapeutic to get it all off your chest.
Lisa x
Alex!!!
I think it's fantastic you felt able to write that all down. You have been like a warm blanket always around to comfort me and everyone else over the last few months and I am so glad you have got the confidence to tell us your story!
I too was brought up by an alcoholic father and both my parents were critical of me (when they remembered I was there) and I was never shown any affection, moving around the country living in pubs. I never experienced physical abuse until a boyfriend beat me up about 5 years ago and realised how lucky I was not to have that in my childhood.
I agree with what others have said here - it is good to be aware of what has created the tendency to anxiety and depression and feel able to talk about it openly. Hopefully this will lead you to being able to really progress.
I have no doubt that with a loving partner, the CBT skills and your obvious strength and ability to emphathise you will conquer your agrophobia.
This is going to be your year Alex!!!!
Good luck and I am always here if I can help in any way.
loads and loads of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[8D][8D][8D][8D][8D][8D][8D]
Fee xxxxxx
www.like2like.com
Why live life anticipating the bad things when you could be anticipating the good?
Good and bad things WILL happen!
Hi Alex,
Writing this down and opening up is all part of the recovery of heaking the wound. Like Karen, I was never physically hurt, but emotional scars run deep. But why should I blame my parents just because they made the wrong choice of partner all those years ago, as they are both good people. It was their happiness and constant rowing that lead to a string of events in my case.
We have to accept the hand we have been dealt with and try our best to get on. That usually needs a lot of help from others over a long period.
Alex, I am so so pleased you have met somebody who is so supportive so you can enjoy the rest of your lives together.
Take Care and thanks for being here,
Ray
http://www.anxietyrelease.org.uk/
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance.
~Mark Sanders and Tia Sillers
Warmest hugs :):):)
Love Piglet xx
Thankyou, LJ, Fee, Click & Piglet.
I appreciate your messages of support & again im truly happy that i have been able to give out help & support in return too.
Take Care
Alex
Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart
Dear Alex,
This could get boring! Because I know I'm only going to say what so many others have clearly said before me. But it's so worth saying!
And I'll keep it simple:
First, you are genuinely brave and courageous for having got your story out like that. You deserve the results of your courage to be great improvements for you and the way you feel. I feel sure they will be.
And second, what a kind and supportive person you are to others in this little community of ours here. It didn't surprise me at all to hear others note that too. So on the record, I have appreciated every one of your PM messages to me, and you are a little part of my recovery in that way. If I can help be part of yours in future, I hope you will ask.
With admiration, gratitude and warmest wishes Alex,
Jason
xx
Thanks Jason
Appreciate your message like the others very much.
Take Care
Alex
Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart
Updated 12/04/06
Have decided today it is for the best to continue with CBT up to the wedding.
As well as being an exciting time it will be good to have the safety net there of the CBT just in case i get overly stressed.
Alex
Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart
Hi Alex
After having just joined this site, I have just read your story and cannot believe how similar it is to mine! I never really connected before why each of my female siblings and mother have all suffered this way - I just thought it was a hereditary thing. Can I ask if you what if any medical treatment you have had? Would you take medication? I found Fluoxetine a real life saver!
Best wishes
pinklady1
Hi Alex
After having just joined this site, I have just read your story and cannot believe how similar it is to mine! I never really connected before why each of my female siblings and mother have all suffered this way - I just thought it was a hereditary thing. Can I ask if you what if any medical treatment you have had? Would you take medication? I found Fluoxetine a real life saver!
Best wishes
pinklady1
Hiya
I started off with fluxotine but it gave me nasty side affects i had the shakes & felt like a zombie so i was put on citolpram & have been on them ever since touch wood no side effects.
Other than that i have been to counsellors & at pres have found CBT the most effective for me.
Take Care
Alex
Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart
Thanks for sharing hun and being so brave to write it down. I'm so sorry you have had to go through all that.
Take Care hun,
Love PIP'S X X X X
Thankyou Pips :)
Alex
Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart
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