Dan21
21-03-11, 20:52
Hello.
It’s been a while since I last posted and to be honest my HA has been pretty much under check for a good while. I’ve been moderately stress free but recently I have had a real setback and I guess rather I need a channel to vent through. As usual, NMP is my normal port of call.
We lost my Dad to cancer (bladder and then secondary in his lungs) back in 2006. To be honest, I’ve only recently started to feel anything like my old self (although I don’t believe I’ll ever be as ‘together’ as I was before Dad died.) but my Mam has got herself into a real situation that pretty much beggars belief.
About two years ago, she met a guy who was just a bit younger than my Dad was before he died. Mam was quite apprehensive but their friendship blossomed and the started to spend more and more time together. I was shocked but she seemed to be happier than she had been for some time and I was very much of the mind that as long as he didn’t mess her around, then I was OK with it. If the truth was known, I was still dealing with my loss. Mam was pleased to have a new companion yet we still had phone calls where she was asking me what I thought and how she felt like she was being silly spending time with this guy.
Things moved on and one day I was talking to Mam – I could tell there was something the matter and as I pressed her about it, it emerged that the guy (lets call him Paul) had suddenly shown the same symptoms my Dad had at the onset of his illness. Paul’s family simply didn’t want to know – I don’t think it’s that they are cold; it’s more that they simply are ignorant of the fact that he was potentially very ill. Tests were carried out and indeed Paul was diagnosed with the same thing as my Dad. I couldn’t believe it…it was like fate was playing some sick joke on us. I wasn’t close to Paul so my primary concern was (and is) understandably for my Mam. Over the last months, Paul has deteriorated and the doctors have confirmed his condition is terminal and all they can really offer is palliative care.
Now this may sound completely fu**ing selfish, but I don’t feel we should be dealing with this on our own. As I say, his family have their heads buried in the sand and it’s my Mam who is running around getting his meds, taking him to chemo, nursing him…seriously, it’s driving me insane. I’m so angry at this guy’s family, but in another way, I’m angry at my Mam for dragging us through this. She has said that their relationship is based only on friendship but I feel like we have had more than our fair share of misery over the last few years without having our faces well and truly rubbed in it again. My HA is brewing like a pressure cooker (I can feel it). After losing my Dad, I want to be spending the time we have enjoying each other, not going through the whole ordeal (and it really is an ordeal) again because someone’s family don’t want to deal with THEIR reality/responsibility. I’m sorry if I sound obdurate or cold but watching what happened to Dad scared me deeply and even watching my Mam take the brunt of Paul’s condition frightens me and unsettles me greatly.
I’ve started to get tingles when I pass water and I’m trying desperately to tell myself that this is due to me being uptight (believe me I’m aware of the danger signs) but nevertheless I’m starting to feel the icy finger of my panic starting to take hold. Being exposed to this level of stress/trauma is ramping my HA right up when I've worked so, so hard to get it under control over the last 2 or 3 years.
I’ve explained to my Mam that I think Paul’s family should be stepping up to the plate in terms of caring for their own family member but she is so embroiled in this, I think she feels like she couldn’t walk away even if she wanted to…which I’m not sure she does.
As a lot of people on here know, any sort of illness is a terrible thing and nobody knows how long any of us have. But it is precisely this fact that makes me desperately angry in that my Mam feels she should shackle herself to Paul when our family would rejoice in spending more time with her.
I'm not sure what to do for the best...
It’s been a while since I last posted and to be honest my HA has been pretty much under check for a good while. I’ve been moderately stress free but recently I have had a real setback and I guess rather I need a channel to vent through. As usual, NMP is my normal port of call.
We lost my Dad to cancer (bladder and then secondary in his lungs) back in 2006. To be honest, I’ve only recently started to feel anything like my old self (although I don’t believe I’ll ever be as ‘together’ as I was before Dad died.) but my Mam has got herself into a real situation that pretty much beggars belief.
About two years ago, she met a guy who was just a bit younger than my Dad was before he died. Mam was quite apprehensive but their friendship blossomed and the started to spend more and more time together. I was shocked but she seemed to be happier than she had been for some time and I was very much of the mind that as long as he didn’t mess her around, then I was OK with it. If the truth was known, I was still dealing with my loss. Mam was pleased to have a new companion yet we still had phone calls where she was asking me what I thought and how she felt like she was being silly spending time with this guy.
Things moved on and one day I was talking to Mam – I could tell there was something the matter and as I pressed her about it, it emerged that the guy (lets call him Paul) had suddenly shown the same symptoms my Dad had at the onset of his illness. Paul’s family simply didn’t want to know – I don’t think it’s that they are cold; it’s more that they simply are ignorant of the fact that he was potentially very ill. Tests were carried out and indeed Paul was diagnosed with the same thing as my Dad. I couldn’t believe it…it was like fate was playing some sick joke on us. I wasn’t close to Paul so my primary concern was (and is) understandably for my Mam. Over the last months, Paul has deteriorated and the doctors have confirmed his condition is terminal and all they can really offer is palliative care.
Now this may sound completely fu**ing selfish, but I don’t feel we should be dealing with this on our own. As I say, his family have their heads buried in the sand and it’s my Mam who is running around getting his meds, taking him to chemo, nursing him…seriously, it’s driving me insane. I’m so angry at this guy’s family, but in another way, I’m angry at my Mam for dragging us through this. She has said that their relationship is based only on friendship but I feel like we have had more than our fair share of misery over the last few years without having our faces well and truly rubbed in it again. My HA is brewing like a pressure cooker (I can feel it). After losing my Dad, I want to be spending the time we have enjoying each other, not going through the whole ordeal (and it really is an ordeal) again because someone’s family don’t want to deal with THEIR reality/responsibility. I’m sorry if I sound obdurate or cold but watching what happened to Dad scared me deeply and even watching my Mam take the brunt of Paul’s condition frightens me and unsettles me greatly.
I’ve started to get tingles when I pass water and I’m trying desperately to tell myself that this is due to me being uptight (believe me I’m aware of the danger signs) but nevertheless I’m starting to feel the icy finger of my panic starting to take hold. Being exposed to this level of stress/trauma is ramping my HA right up when I've worked so, so hard to get it under control over the last 2 or 3 years.
I’ve explained to my Mam that I think Paul’s family should be stepping up to the plate in terms of caring for their own family member but she is so embroiled in this, I think she feels like she couldn’t walk away even if she wanted to…which I’m not sure she does.
As a lot of people on here know, any sort of illness is a terrible thing and nobody knows how long any of us have. But it is precisely this fact that makes me desperately angry in that my Mam feels she should shackle herself to Paul when our family would rejoice in spending more time with her.
I'm not sure what to do for the best...