Death Lingering Overhead and Worried Depressed and Just Plain Sad

[looking4answers]

Hi,

Here I am again... don't know what to make of things..I should be the happiest i have ever been. but yet I find no happiness.

I can't really find a cause for it.I do feel bad everyday and don't look forward to sleep at night as it brings weird and unstable dreams..I really don't rest well.

Most people can look forward to rest and dreaming and feeling refreshed. I wake everyday feeling as all days is just the same day over and over. Lately I have been getting bouts of depression..Lingering overhead like a vulture waiting till the body is cold to strike.

Im not sure what is happening to me. Surely I don't really feel that bad and im not really that ill as people older than me are getting out going on cruises and traveling all over the world,taking walks and enjoying life ..I suppose somewhat..

Im scared Im so scared. I don't want to go to the doctor.. Im scared of the doctor. Im afraid they may find what I fear the most. I scan for symptoms to diseases everyday looking for tale tale signs of what is to come.

But I feel tired.. really tired and weary.. I feel weak thus I do nothing and feel weaker..I feel like death is not far away and can't really find anything to ward it off like a special something to look forward too..Im scared..I don't want to die..

Im scared to go on like this.I want to enjoy the little time i have left here, yet im scared to go to the doctor to put my mind at rest.. How did people that didn't have the medicines we have today do it?How did they survive long into their 80's and 90's How how how..They didn't have a team of medical specialist nor surgeons standing by to rescue them in case of emergency and they didn't have commercials to tell to sue for this reason or that one or to scare them to death about something they should sue for in case they were exposed to ..yet many lived long productive lives exposed to so many dangerous things..

Why don't I have that courage to say I don't need to go to the doctor..Others lived and enjoyed their lives without MD"S galore..or hospitals galore.

I suppose life is a gamble. I hope that I make it..MY neck feels so weird it bothers me day in and day out.I suppose its a result of bad posture but then what if it is an aneurism or a tumor..? I worry because my neck looks weird..What if it is a blocked artery that has swollen to cause my neck to be fat..or what if its just fat causing me to be fat..and have a big neck?

Endless days and nights and "what ifs" I hate this so very much I want to feel better..

I look at my faded eyes and bad skin color and missing hair and age spots.
I have to wonder who that old fat person is ,then I glimpse a photo of what was ,just seemed a few years ago..What a few years can do to a person,

I haven't even been through a bad life in the last few years.I have been exposed to the elements nor drugs ,nor drinking or anything that would cause so much aging..What happened? What happened?

Im really sad ..I can't think of why really other than its hard to face the end..

I can just really feel it lately ..I feel death.. in the shadows..and the thing that worries me the most is I know its ok..its life..but I don't like it..I think its a cruel joke to be tossed into a world for a mere 50 or 60 or 70 years and then an eternity of nothingness... Its sad anyway you look at it..So damn sad..

What can I do to feel better.I can't think of anything at all. Nothing to look forward to.The same day tomorrow as today ,nothing really to get up to so stay in bed..well in bed doesn't feel good either. I feel im in-between and don't know where to go or what to do..

Im worried..this is terrible..this feeling of being on the edge and slipping slipping into the abyss .. what is a person to do.. ?

[paula lynne]

Oh Michael, Im sorry you feel like this. Ive replied to your other thread about your neck. You dont sleep well, and that can affect how we feel day to day. Think about investing in a great mattress, maybe a memory foam one, it adapts to the sleeper, and really helps. They are expensive, but a good mattress is really important.

You say you are weak. I believe we become what we think we are.....you tell yourself you are weak, this thought connects to the sub-concious self, and makes us physically weak. My daughter thinks shes loosing her youth, shes 21! I feel old and Im 40....and so it goes. Nobody wants to die do they, but its inevitable. The best we can do is count our blessings, and live everyday as best we can. You are not in a wheelchair, or on life-support.....so what if you have age spots and thin hair....? Embrace your life, step out of the comfort zone. Stop fighting your life Micheal.

Instead of sitting around thinking of the inevitable death and dying scenario, how about filling your day with something else? Gardening, paint a picture, read a book, cook a meal, play some uplifting music, call a friend, write a letter, clean out the garage, visit family, see a concert, treat yourself to a gift, ANYTHING except sitting around in this black void scared to death and shaking with fear about the future. NOW is your life, go out and live it! xxxxx :hugs:

[Zee]

Hi Michael

I can relate to so much that you wrote there. I should be one of the happiest people.Everything around me is good and yet I allowed myself to slip into this awful state of mind. I should have seen it coming after 6 years of family/pet losses one after the other..then one day I woke and the world was a confusing place.
Its so hard trying to crawl back out of the gloom.. I try just getting on with everyday things and finding an interest but I cant seem to apply my mind the way I once did.
Therapy helped me for a month or so and I thought I was getting better, but it only takes one more negative thought to start it all off again and the struggle starts over.
I dont talk to people about it all other than on here because anyone who hasnt experienced these feelings, in my view , can sympathise but they certainly dont have the understanding of the conditions..sadly , that also includes the medical proffession in many instances...all we can do is keep trying.

[looking4answers]

Hi Paula and Zee,

Well today I woke and maybe I rested better last night...My neck hasn't bothered me too much today.It feels..well a little better in someway. I took your advice and went out and did somethings today .I ran some errands and then came back and worked in the yard a bit and then did a little biking..

We stayed outside most of the day and i was upright and not leaning on my neck..maybe that had something to do with it..stayed pretty busy and then with it getting summer here it stays light longer until about 7pm...

We then came in and watched a little television and ate dinner tonight and now we retired to the bedroom where the computer is and im going to try to make it an early evening tonight.We are starting to look for the type of mattress for us to perhaps help us to rest well..Im 56 since you didn't know just how old I am.. Yes you are correct im not on life support nor in a wheel chair.. and am grateful for this . However my legs hurt so bad some time.. I hate this and feel so cheated as I have used my legs much of my life to pedal a bicycle and walk many many miles..I can no longer do this as It causes me unbearable pain.I suppose I have crippling arthritis in my legs which comes as no surprise as I never knew my mother and aunts not to limp.. They all had this in their legs.. It depresses me so much as I love to walk and also to bike..Thank God for electric bikes so I can still pretend to ride.. and get out and see the world other than a auto.

I suppose there are so many alternatives to doing the things I used to .I did draw some today ,I didn't paint a picture as I could but haven't.We have been waiting for summer or spring to get good weather so that we can start making pottery in garage again. I have been waiting all winter just to get back to potting..I love clay and creating things..

I don't know if Im really afraid of death as much as I hate the fact that our iives are so short and then we are gone. I do understand that we all die..and have accepted it but lately I have been feeling that death is near..Im not just sure why but I have.

I guess the depression makes you feel that way . I suppose maybe you are right,I have been just sitting around too much and worrying.. I do cook by the way and very seldom listen to music but when I do .. I think it does help.. We have friends that come by from time to time but im not much for talking on the phone.. I do email people but very seldom get email.As for writing a letter.. Do people really actually do that anymore?

In recent weeks I have been cleaning out the garage which I think has led to some of my depression..I just don't have the strength nor feel like I used to and when I do physical work around the house I get exhausted it makes me depressed that I can't keep going like I used to ,this affects me a lot.I feel cheated and am in shock that my strength is leaving me..

It was just a few years ago that I realized I was older..I never before then knew I was older.My wife kept telling me that we were getting older..I didn't believe it but suppose it has finally sunk in ..I feel old ,,broken down and useless but will keep on keeping on and don't worry..I do count my blessings.. things could be so much worse..

Thanks to you Paula and Zee for answering me..I get lost in a pity party I suppose and thanks for rescuing me from myself and opening my eyes.. If you are just 41 ,you better get busy and tell your daughter that you need to do as much as you can do as long as you can ,for your youth will fade away before you know it..

Im sorry .. I just don't think of myself as that broken down old old guy I see in the mirror..I am still that 18 year old kid.. that likes to have fun..Pity what nature has done to me.. although I won't go quietly into the night but I will fight and rage with the light.. to keep on living and doing and breathing until the very end...

Thanks again for making me feel that someone cares and feels what I do.. and that im not alone.. Thank you both so very much.. Michael

[paula lynne]

I agree, old age is cruel. We arent on this earth for long, just need to make the most of our lives. Youve done fantastic doing all those things Michael, I hope its lifted your mood a little. Hopefully, summer can lift all of our spirits, especially as we spend more time enjoying nature. Hey, I like the sound of the electric bike! The clay sounds great too, I did that for A level art, youve given me food for thought...maybe its time I thought about doing more of the things I enjoy. Take care, be happy x

[Zee]

Its good to hear that you felt a little better yesterday Michael.The clay modelling sounds great. Ive always wanted to give that a go.
My particular interest is in writing( local history and poetry mostly). I used to be able to pick up a pen and writing would just flow but the anx/depression over 12 months took that away from me..
Im the same age group as yourself and I understood completely what you said about being that 18 year old in your head.. I am much younger than that at times :). Thats half of the problem. The child inside of us never goes away.The child inside of us shapes who we are as adults in so many ways.I recall saying to hubby a while ago that in depth of feeling low and anxious I feel like a scared child who is lost..
Today, the sun is shining so like yourself i am aiming for the garden even if its just a stroll around there.

[looking4answers]

Although it seems that summer makes us feel a little better..I grew up here to where we moved.Summers for some reason would depress me.Im not sure just why and fall would always make me come alive..I think the sultry balmy weather in the summer here makes me feel bad and then the allergens and pollens.. even worse..But suppose if I grew up here I can fight them and depression again.. Funny my wife has always said I was a great writer too and encouraged me to write.. but then I never get around to it..however I do love to work in clay.The clay is so forgiving and if you work in it...it doesn't care what you make or how you make it..then if you change your mind you can always crumple it up and start again.It soothes your nerves and lets your mind wander because you don't have to think about what you are making ,you let your clay and your hands tell you..then you sit back and look at it and find what you have is something unique ,then if you like it alot you fire it in a kiln and make it permanant..Its simple and enjoyable..By the way Paula.. here is the link to the site that makes the electric bikes..all sizes ,kinds and prices..check them out..they are really nice..Thank God for them..Sometimes I almost feel like im really riding again..and there is something timeless about riding bikes..http://www.currietech.com/. Zee..Thanks for telling me im not the only one.. and Paula you as well.. Time is our enemy but then again man created time. .but suppose its only to mark the years.. who knows..Its sad and cruel and yes we are like lemons ,you have to squeeze all the best of the time that you have. Take care and thanks so much to the both of you.Paula get you a bike..You will love it. Michael