Assertiveness/dealing with unhelpful comments

[harasgenster]

Hello
Not sure if this goes in general anxiety as it's kind of more general advice! I was just wondering how people react when someone is making unhelpful comments, but probably has the best intentions at heart!

I'm going to quit smoking at the weekend and was going to keep it secret from my best friend because she always makes unhelpful comments about it, then I start smoking again. But due to circumstances, it's not really going to be possible to hide it from her.

She quit smoking using Alan Carr's method and believes this is the only one that works. That may well be true but I don't know that for certain and I am more comfortable using replacement therapy. But each time I've tried to quit smoking she's immediately said I can't do it and it'll never work because I'm doing it wrong! She could be right, of course, but all this really does is break my resolve. But if I say anything against Alan Carr, she says that I could make her a smoker again by disagreeing with him!

So, it's difficult. This is a friend that often makes unhelpful comments about other areas of my life (although these are relatively rare and we generally have a great relationship) and has treated me badly when we were young (but then I regret many things I did/said as a teenager). I've never said anything to her about it but that just means that I tend to lie awake at night feeling really angry that she doesn't treat me like I treat her!

I think she has my interests at heart but I find her unhelpful in a few ways. Is there a good way I can explain this to her if she says something again when I have another go at quitting smoking? I think if I told her her comments were making it more difficult for me she'd get in a mood! But I'm really useless with these situations and rarely tell people when they've done something to upset me because I worry that in doing so they will get upset. Then if I do say something and they seem upset or annoyed, I feel really guilty about it and always apologise (whether it's my fault or not!) to make the situation comfortable again, which doesn't really get the message across!

She's a good person and she wouldn't like to think she's upsetting me, so I think she just doesn't realise. But then she has suffered from almost all the same neuroses as me and I'm worried that it would affect her self esteem if she knew. I don't want to be responsible for making her feel unwell, because she's been doing CBT and is doing brilliantly! I'm not sure this would even be the right time to say anything. At least not until she's been better for quite a while.

So is there a way I could speak to her about this that wouldn't make her feel bad about it but would get the message across that her words affect my confidence and self esteem?

Thanks :)

[Rain]

It's total rubbish to say there is only one way to quit smoking. Different methods work for different people. I quit a 30 year 40-a-day smoking habit purely by using nicotine replacement patches.
It sounds as if your friend is more pushy than you and is subtley dominating you. You need to be strong, stick to your guns and say 'This is the way I have decided to proceed. This method suits me and I'd apreciate your support.' Keep it short and simple but be firm.

Giving up smoking is the single biggest thing anyone can do to massively improve their health. Don't let anything this person says stand in your way.

[snowgoose]

hi :)
not really answering your question here .....but want to say there is an excellent stop smoking forum by No Smoking Day [just google ]...........excellent advice and support plus a bit fun sometimes .
all methods supported from Allen Carr /Nrt /cold turkey

the best thing is the fantastic educational links on why we smoke ..the effects .... how to change your mindset .
sound evangelical ha ha !...................but this forum stopped my 35 year habit .
good luck xxxxx

[loops81]

I gave up with patches and I joined the above site, no smoking day forum, was very helpful, all supporting eachother.

I have been quit just over 2 years now :D

[harasgenster]

Well done all three of you! :D I'll check out that forum tonight :) I think it's good that Allen Carr and other techniques help you understand why you quit and help you to never become a smoker again by understanding the psychology behind it, but do you think I could do both that and use NRT? I'd like to take it in small steps really! My friend says the two techniques contradict each other so it isn't possible to do both, but that's just put me off opening Allen Carr's book to be honest with you!

[snowgoose]

Hi :)

hey I used patches ,the inhalator .Allen Carr......Paul Mckenna cd...the works .
Cos I was a scaredy cat with anxiety ..no stone left unturned for me :blush:
it felt safer and no one blinked an eyelid .
that was the first of my quits :blush:
the final one I had learnt enough from the forum to bite the bullet ] and go cold turkey [nicotine out of system in 36 hours]
it is the psychological and habit bit that was the hardest for me .
hey ...............go go girl go ! you wont regret it ............and you must save the money in a jar for something to make you feel lovely xxxx

[LoneRider]

Do it for you and the way that works for you! - That is the only way anything will work!

I'm going to be blunt sorry no offence meant ...

Your friend does not sound that much of a friend and if was me I'd be telling her or avoiding her. But that is me and I'm quiet until something upsets me then it kinda builds for a little while then bam ;-)

She is happy to give you negative thoughts so correct her and use the CBT for reference let her know that her negative thoughts also impact you and your recovery and progression as well as vice versa.

If she isn't knowingly acting in that way then she will never know till someone tells her. If she does know then you need to stand up for yourself.

Hope all works out for you in the quitting smoking and your friendship.

[harasgenster]

Do it for you and the way that works for you! - That is the only way anything will work!

I'm going to be blunt sorry no offence meant ...

Your friend does not sound that much of a friend and if was me I'd be telling her or avoiding her. But that is me and I'm quiet until something upsets me then it kinda builds for a little while then bam ;-)

She is happy to give you negative thoughts so correct her and use the CBT for reference let her know that her negative thoughts also impact you and your recovery and progression as well as vice versa.

If she isn't knowingly acting in that way then she will never know till someone tells her. If she does know then you need to stand up for yourself.

Hope all works out for you in the quitting smoking and your friendship.

Thank you :)

I've deliberately only put bad things about her here because they are the issue but I could feel pages with all the good things! We've been friends since we were 11 and I consider there to be many things wrong with out relationship - whether she knows that, I don't know, but she might be thinking exactly the same thing as me and be too scared to say it! However, there's also a lot of great things about our relationship and nothing is really worth letting it go.

I could try telling her when she says things that upset me. I usually get a bit annoyed and stressed out then I just try to change the subject. She tends to get really defensive and lash out if she feels under threat. Like when she was with a man who was no good for her and she asked my honest opinion about him I said I thought she should leave him, but I never said she shouldn't go out with him in the first place, I only said she should leave him when she said he was upsetting her. However, she saw it as an attack and lashed out at me. Meanwhile, if I want to go out with someone she doesn't approve of she takes the line of "you can make your own stupid mistakes but don't expect support from me"! She often reminds me of how my problems have a negative effect on her. For instance, I was very, very ill a couple of years ago and she sent me an email saying she didn't want to see me again until I was better because my mood and behaviour was making her life difficult. I stuck by her request until she emailed me a couple of weeks later to say sorry and I really couldn't be bothered to tell her it had upset me! Besides, my problems WERE having a negative effect on her life, so do I even have the right to be upset? It's just the truth!

If I could fault her I would say that she tends to put herself before others, but she often complains that she needs to put herself before others more often because she feels she does too much for others! Because of that, I question whether I'm right that she is being self-centred and then I don't want to say anything in case this is all in my head and I'm interpreting it wrong and I'm upsetting her for no reason! Also, on the odd occasion she says I am "arrogant" or "manipulative" and I feel bad for a while, but then once I do bring it up with her and say I'm worried that she might be right she says something like "oh don't be stupid, that was a passing comment, I was in a bad mood" and then I feel really silly for getting upset.

I really know I should say something, but in any of these circumstances - such as quitting smoking - is there a way I could word these things so that she won't feel bad about herself? Is it ok for me to tell her her comments are making it difficult for me to quit/or making me feel upset or will she then blame herself for making me feel bad? When she tells me something I have said/done has upset her/made her worse I feel awful! I don't want to be responsible for making her feel like that! Also, how do you know if you're in the right to feel upset? Couldn't it actually be your own interpretation of things?

[LoneRider]

Your feeling far too guilty for just being human. To me from what you have put she lets you know when you've made her feel bad so why can't you do the same if you are true friends isn't it supposed to be a two way thing of give and take ... she has a go at you for making her feel bad and messing up her life look at how she is making you feel your having to tiptoe around someone who obviously doesnt hold back her own negative thoughts, somethings she needs to work out in life is that a negative comment is not an attack on her its an observation and like her own comments require thought and respect. Of course she must also be a good friend otherwise you wouldnt have been friends for so long.
No no-one likes to make anyone upset but if someone is making you feel bad in your life you have two options really say something (in the best possible way) or just forget it and get on with it and put it down to "thats the way they are, ignore them take it with pinch of salt" - I think only you would know how to talk to her from knowing her so long.
I feel maybe the thought you are having is a worry that you will fall out of the friendship if you say anything "wrong" but why shouldn't you say the things that hurt you and have a negative impact on your life?
You are allowed to feel the same as she does, yes she may need to put herself 1st but so does everyone else, its a matter of striking priorities in life and those in need an tact. It'd would be nice if she treated you the way you treat her, you sound a lovely person but she is defo the dominant one.
You're allowed to feel and think about your feelings first! Your living and health is for you and no-one else.
It must be bugging you otherwise you wouldn't have said about it.

Sorry for my gabbling and no offence in anything I put I'm just typing what comes out of my head lol

[harasgenster]

Thanks LoneRider, your comments aren't offensive at all. I feel like I've gone off on a massive tangent on this thread, but like usual I think I've started writing about a particular problem that is part of a much larger problem and then I've ended up rambling on!

Thanks for your advice and I will try to speak to her. Thanks also for all the advice on quitting smoking :)

I might just need to start trusting my emotions on this one. I think there's a lot of history between me and my friend and each little thing is just adding to a list of resentments. Because of this, she could annoy me just slightly and I'll get really angry, and then the people around me will tell me I have no right to be angry, because she clearly didn't mean it the way I have taken it! But really it's just because I'm already angry with her for so many things that I blow up at anything and end up moaning to my bf/family! So, yeah, it all gets complicated. I shouted at her once a couple of weeks ago because she started having a go at me for doing something that I didn't even actually do and I got sick of it. I felt terrible for shouting and immediately apologised but, to my surprise, she just said that she was in wrong and apologised back! I guess I don't expect that stuff, but maybe if I gently told her I was upset instead of shouting (which I don't like doing) she would apologise instead of getting moody, since she apologised when I shouted that one time!

I'll have a go at it next time she upsets me as a bit of an experiment and then I'll know for definite how she'll react :)

[LoneRider]

TeeHee aww sorry that made me chuckle ...

Yeah but its all the little things that we store up that make it into one big issue no one is expecting. which in turn makes it more of a drama.

Sort the little things out and then the big ones hopefully don't build up :-) She's probably a bit shocked when you do say things as it's obviously not the norm.

I do exactly the same so no worries, easier giving the advice than taking and doing.

Keep us/me updated :-)

[evil monkey]

to your friend - I have found a massively mis-used phrase, is "thats not right", in place of "in my experience thats not right". other people blanket opinion things, when it is their experience/opinion. i do believe that a lot of times people just cant be arsed (possibly cant be arsed in a harmless way.)

maybe she might have meant "this is the only way that works [for me]" which is true. in a way, she was trying to press her own achievements into your situation. nothing wrong with that i guess. as long as you can finish her sentence yourself.

There's also the phrase "those who mind, dont matter, and those who matter dont mind" - I think this is also rubbish

[Spongeballz]

I might just need to start trusting my emotions on this one. I think there's a lot of history between me and my friend and each little thing is just adding to a list of resentments. Because of this, she could annoy me just slightly and I'll get really angry..


Maybe this is just me, but maybe the reason you get so angry is because you care so much about what she thinks. It seems like you're incredibly attached to this friend and take her word as golden, which may also be an issue with going against what she says about how to quit, which by the way, you should. To echo what's been said before, her method is unlikely to be the method that works best for you; if her method was the only foolproof one, working for everyone every time, then everyone would do it and there'd be no need for choice! :tongue:
I find a similar thing happens when friends talk to be about my mental health. It's hard to relate to depression, or mental health in general, and to advise about it unless you've had it yourself. My friends are always saying ridiculous things like "Those pills won't work" (they haven't tried them, of course, or needed to..), or "Well if you think you're more happy, surely you'll just be happy?", and even "Why are you worried? You're stupid to worry over these things, you have no issues." (That one REALLLY gets my blood boiling, it makes it sound like I'm CHOOSING to worry). And they're constantly suggesting ways of getting to sleep for my insomnia, that I've clearly already tried: "Well why don't you just lie there and you'll fall asleep?", or "Have you tried cocoa before bed? That'll fix it.." >.<
What you have to remember is what you said before, at the end of the day this girl has your best interests at heart Haras, and though she may portray this in totally the wrong way, try not to get angry at her for it. At the same time, you need to explain to her that there is no one way to beat smoking, and that whilst Whatyamacall'im Carr's way worked for her, you're doing your alternative method because it works for you. Make sure she knows that you appreciate her concern and support, but if she wants to support you she's going to have to do that on your terms :okay:

I wish you the best of luck with your battle, and a big big :bighug1:for now :tongue: