A cry for help :( (relationship ocd)

[miniholly]

Hi everyone,
I've recently over come Health Anxiety which I'm proud of, I felt great and I could finally get on with my life.
Then for some reason this horrible thought came creeping in saying "Now, do you really love your boyfriend?" and I felt awful, I panicked.
Then I had a dream with one of my guy friends in it and I woke up panicked and thought it meant I fancied him, which it took a long time to realise I didn't so you could say that was my first "spike".
I felt better after that for about a week or so, then me and my boyfriend were talking about getting engaged and married in the future, then it hit me like a ton of bricks "What if me and my boyfriend aren't still together by then? What if I meet someone else?".
I feel like I can't tell anyone about these thoughts, and I'm scared if I do people will be under the impression that I don't love him at all and it won't be OCD :(
Then I Read on the internet it only becomes a problem if anything he does annoys you, and low and behold EVERYTHING is all of a sudden like that, I feel so awful.
I'm petrified, I don't want to break up with him or for him to break up with me (Another OCD thought, urgh).
I know its OCD as my boyfriend didn't respond to my text the other day, I thought he was ignoring me and I was in a right mess for the rest of the night and we argued the other week and I was really upset.
What can I do to relieve these thoughts? I've had enough of it all I just want to be happy again, I don't get why my OCD has decided to focus on my relationship, out of ALL things. I love my boyfriend so much I don't want to feel like this :(
Can anyone help me at all please?

[miniholly]

hi thank you for your response :) its comforting to know i'm not the only one who's had thoughts like this.
i do feel a bit better today though, as my boyfriends getting worried i'm going to break up with him because of the way i've been acting which has hit me i don't like thinking that i'm making him think that way :( i didn't even realise i was that bad until he said feel quite guilty so think im going to treat him to something next week to make up for everything, feel guilty i'm making him feel this way but its given me a wake up call and do feel a bit more settled today for some reason xxx

[uk23]

My girlfriend has these OCD and we are open about it. We have broken up 3 times because she gets concerned that I will leave her, but I understand about her OCD.

I do think it might be worth explaining to your boyfriend, how open is he to this sort of stuff?

[miniholly]

he is quite open :) when i first told him i had depression it kind of shocked him at first and kind of distanced himself from me for a couple of hours but he always has been supportive about it ever since. i do want to tell him as it feels wrong keeping it from him.
i have had a good day today though, hoping tomorrow's the same aswell as i'm seeing him xxx

[si1982]

Hi, I just read this thread and despite feeling pretty scared I thought I might reply. I have had a few relationships which have been on and off and I first noticed my OCD when I was at Uni about 10 years ago, my mind is hugely analytical and obsessive at times. When I'm good I'm great and when I'm bad I'm awful. I've just broken up with my latest girlfriend for the 3rd time and to be fair to her I thought it would be best to cut contact. I broke up with her at the end of last term (I'm a teacher) because I was so tired and could not shake obsessive thoughts (was she right for me etc), I focused on her very few negatives and gradually got irritated with everything. However, the minute that contact was cut I started missing her, she is amazing and so understanding. Coming back to school today was a massive heartbreak. I know I can't put her through things again but I just feel so lost and pretty alone in terms of people understanding what goes on in my head and to be honest the only person I want next to me is her.

[notsogood99]

OMG, can't believe what I have just read. This is me all over! Is it really part of OCD? ( I do have a cleaning and counting thing going on). I thought these thoughts were more anxiety/fear?

I constantly think my BF is going to leave me, if he doesn't text me on his lunch break or come to see me enough thats it my head is whirring! But it is constant. Poor bloke can't even be busy at work for me to start thinking the negs!
Well anyway few weeks ago as I was getting very bad with whole depression I told him all about it.I Had managed to hide how ill I was when i saw him. He totally does not understand it all. He thinks I should be happy as I have everything!!
Things have not been so good, bickering a lot etc. Anyway i got in such a state he'd end it that I ended it at weekend :-(
My mood didn't change I didn't feel any better or any worse!

I know I love him, It's so hard. He is so fed up of having to reassure me though and he says sometimes I come across as desperate.

I got back in touch with him and tried to explain how I am and I am trying to get better.
He agreed to give it a go. Im not taking all blame as he has done a couple of things which hasn't helped my insecurities!
So I haven't seen him since weekend, we have had a long chat but now i'm worried about seeing him incase I say something stupid! I just can't control it. It takes over everything!

I even worry my kids will hate me when they are older!!

What can I do to control these thoughts?? PLease help!!!

[princess84]

Hi Guys,

I want to share my story. I unfortunately have always suffered from OCD to a point where I get consumed with anxiety and withdraw from all things I enjoy. I have obsessed as a child about dying for two whole years. I nearly drove my parents mad. I look back now and think MY GOD what was I thinking but the awful thing about OCD is it manifests itself in so many different ways!! I get it very badly when I am either under pressure or unhappy with my life. I started suffering badly with anxiety and panic attacks in 2011 due to being in a toxic relationship for 4 years. I started counselling with an excellent psychiatrist. He helped me overcome this to a point were I could live normally again!! (Drive, socialize etc).

During my Masters at college 2012-2103 I had a severe bout of anxiety and OCD due to severe pressure which spiraled into a psychotic depression. I unfortunately left it too long to go to my psychiatrist for help as I was in denial and I had no alternative but to go on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics.
I had a bad break up with my boyfriend at the time who I adored and loved very much. He just couldn't take it and it was all too much for him!
I was let go from my first Graduate job in March this year after 6 months due to a lack of available funding to pay my salary. This shattered my confidence!
This is when I met my current boyfriend. He is from Scandinavia and so has a slightly different culture. We love many similar things dancing, music, animals cinema, movies etc. He is the most gorgeous man ever!! My parents love him and when I am with him we have lots of fun! He has a different sense of humor to me and is quite insecure (due to his own baggage) but we get on extremely well. He is very supportive with everything.
I am very unhappy with other areas of my life at the minute particularly loosing my dream job and being unemployed and feeling unfulfilled. This is when OCD always attacks me unfortunately!!
So now the OCD has me obsessing about my boyfriend and all the things I cant accept with him! I just woke up in a state of panic beside him 8 weeks ago and felt I had zero feelings for him!! It was awful and I grew more and more disconnected from him! I blamed all of my bad feeling on him and looked at all his flaws with a microscopic lens! I couldnt meet him, be in his company because I felt utter guilt and anxiety! How I know its anxiety is because I am obsessing!! I cant think of anything else and there are other bad areas in my life (no job) that are depressing me more than him! My psychiatrist is great and telling me if I wasnt obsessing about my boyfriend I would find something else! He is in the firing line at the minute. Also an important thing to note is that if I break up with him I will also obsess about that too!! So it wont stop!

Thankfully I have a great mum also who can identify when I am obsessing and when I am not!! This helps a lot when someone you trust and know can see you are self-sabotaging.
Thing is I am very worried about my future and feel a sudden pressure to settle down and get engaged, plan a family etc. Im 30 and my boyfriend is 24. He is all on for this and really content that I am his future but I worry about the age gap, that my biological clock is ticking, that I will earn more money than him when I get a job, that I will resent him for this, that I will land my dream job and meet someone else that better fulfills me!! Thing is I DONT WANT TO MEET ANYONE ELSE!!!! I dont look at other guys in this way!! But my OCD is telling me different all the time!!

I am sorry for ranting here but I feel if I can share this with you guys you might feel a little more at ease and know you are not alone in this nasty battle! Every day is a struggle when it takes hold of you and no normal thinking person can understand it! All I can say is be strong and try to identify that it is a mental disorder and it can be treated. I am hoping to start CBT therapy soon which might help my way of thinking.

Support and love to you guys
x

[b0yer]

Yes this is relationship OCD. I have had this and gotten past it. I would suggest therapy as it really helped me. Just make sure you find someone who specializes in OCD. Also I just jumped on some medication. This is a personal choice, but it has helped me relax a little more.

OCD attacks the things you love most and where you are most vulnerable. Remember that.

[WelshBambi]

Oh my God, I came to these forums to get some advice on what to expect from my boyfriend and his depression/anxiety.....but all of the above is ringing true for me.

For reasons currently beyond our control, we can never spend our weekends together. We both work in the week, him well into the evening so it is about 9.30pm by the time he gets to me. Then off again on Friday morning and I don't see him until Monday night.

Well.....I have spent many days and weekends lately in a state of absolute panic and tension because he does not reply to messages fast enough or in a way I think is befitting a boyfriend (even though Rational Me knows he has depression and is currently in an episode so therefore I need to stop thinking I am the centre of the universe). I barely eat (and I LOVE my food), I chain smoke, I obsess over the situation and what he might be up to that means he is not hanging on my every text, fantasize about lashing out at him (verbally) to try and make him feel guilty for messing him around but then when I do get to speak to him, am nice as pie as I am terrified of losing him. My stomach is constantly full of dread and I cannot concentrate on anything of worth.

All fine again once he's actually in my company though.

Consider my eyes opened.....

[princess84]

Yes this is relationship OCD. I have had this and gotten past it. I would suggest therapy as it really helped me. Just make sure you find someone who specializes in OCD. Also I just jumped on some medication. This is a personal choice, but it has helped me relax a little more.

OCD attacks the things you love most and where you are most vulnerable. Remember that.

Thankyou Boyer :)

It helps when you can see other people have experienced this nasty cycle
Every time I am away from my boyfriend the nasty cycle starts, rumminating, looking for excuses to leave, feeling like he is holding me back from finding a dream job blah blah blah........ but when I feel these thoughts I get an anxious feeling in my gut not a relieved one!!
When I go to meet him I have worked myself into a frenzy and then I start crying when I sit down with him. I want to hold him and touch him etc
Then I calm down and the feelings are better but still there!! I still enjoy our physical relationship very much and then I dread leaving him because the thoughts just intensify :weep:
My physicatrist is considering changing my meds to an OCD one to try and stop the ruminating and obsessing. It is consuming my day unfortunately so I see no alternative.
The last thing I want is to end my relationship and I will do anything to break free from all this!!
Its latest belief is that I dont have OCD and that my feelings are TRUE!! :lac:

This sucks but hell we can all beat it!!!!!

Lots of Love and support to you fellow sufferers xxx

[91Aycliffe]

Have the same love my wife and family but my thoughts are telling me to see someone else. Unbearable sometimes

[Rachh]

Hi,
I struggled this and in a googling frenzy got all sorts of answers like u shouldn't be together if your doubting yourself blA blA bullshit.

Although her writing is a bit 'spiritual/deep' please have a look at sheryl paul concious transitions website. Put it in google and it will pop up. It's really good and really helped. She blogs about it and people can respond.