Alex DeLarge
23-03-11, 22:45
Over a year and a half ago I took LSD for the second time in my life, purely as experimentation. I was really into psychadelics and 'consciousness expansion' and all that silly stuff proposed in the 60's. I had done my research and was pretty sure of myself. I tripped alone with friends, and long story short, had a trip that lasted 24 hours long, perpetuated by my anxiety and panic that endured throughout the entire 'trip' and I felt like I was still tripping the next day (Never went to bed), while in actuality I was still in a permanent panic mode. There were so many factors that led to my trip being bad, but essentially I developed an anxiety disorder. On top of that, I was scheduled to study abroad in a WEEK in Germany. I foolishly thought it would be a good idea to take LSD, alone, a week before going to another country, far away.
I spent the entirety of my year in Germany in what I figured was going to become a psychosis of sorts. I was, as you describe, lost in thought; thoughts about my anxieties, thoughts about reality, how long i'd be sane, suicide, etc. Even toyed with the old solipsistic view that I am the only one and everyone else is an extension of my existence or imagination. That always turns out dark. Well I came home for the holidays and was put on prozac. I had also been taking xanax which seemed to work a bit, but by basically turning me into a zombie.
Well when I returned to Germany, one night I was sitting on a castle wall and started vividly imagining myself jumping. And since then I have been obsessed with suicide by jumping from any heights. I would say it is probably OCD, but it's hard to tell. I have been on Zoloft, and a bunch of other random stuff that three different psychiatrists that I have seen have put me on. I am not on anything currently, but seem to be experiencing withdrawal symptoms from alcohol any morning after binge drinking or even in the same night if I only have a few beers or a glass of wine with dinner. I assume this is my body using it as a medication and then when it's out of my system I experience withdrawal from it. Even after taking nyquil one night, my mind went into the same panic mode that it does if I just have one or two beers.
Well, the point is, I am completely obsessed, compulsively with jumping. I think of it anytime i'm near edges, and anytime I am remotely anxious or depressed, as I connect the feelings. Our brain catergorizes, and this is probably where phobias originate.
I also experience strange coincidences on a daily basis, keep seeing the number 23, and also sometimes experience pre cognition, usually with dreams. My dreams are almost always vivid, and whenever I wake up I am still a bit shooken up having to distinguish between reality and my dreams. My mind seems to always also experience deja vu, usually it feels as if it was something I had dreamed before. And I often, randomly have vivid memories of dreams from long ago.
This is all incredibly mentally exhausting, and sometimes my obsession/fear of committing suicide becomes something I actually start contemplating. I know I don't want to die, but sometimes I get tired of every day being a battle. It has been this way for so long, and it is so difficult to get help.
I think this is just another example of how little we know of our own brains, and how our understanding of the world may be a tad bit off from what is actually reality. I am not suggesting the supernatural, as this is where most of my fears originate, so anything that IS seemingly supernatural, my OCD brain assimilates towards.
I spent the entirety of my year in Germany in what I figured was going to become a psychosis of sorts. I was, as you describe, lost in thought; thoughts about my anxieties, thoughts about reality, how long i'd be sane, suicide, etc. Even toyed with the old solipsistic view that I am the only one and everyone else is an extension of my existence or imagination. That always turns out dark. Well I came home for the holidays and was put on prozac. I had also been taking xanax which seemed to work a bit, but by basically turning me into a zombie.
Well when I returned to Germany, one night I was sitting on a castle wall and started vividly imagining myself jumping. And since then I have been obsessed with suicide by jumping from any heights. I would say it is probably OCD, but it's hard to tell. I have been on Zoloft, and a bunch of other random stuff that three different psychiatrists that I have seen have put me on. I am not on anything currently, but seem to be experiencing withdrawal symptoms from alcohol any morning after binge drinking or even in the same night if I only have a few beers or a glass of wine with dinner. I assume this is my body using it as a medication and then when it's out of my system I experience withdrawal from it. Even after taking nyquil one night, my mind went into the same panic mode that it does if I just have one or two beers.
Well, the point is, I am completely obsessed, compulsively with jumping. I think of it anytime i'm near edges, and anytime I am remotely anxious or depressed, as I connect the feelings. Our brain catergorizes, and this is probably where phobias originate.
I also experience strange coincidences on a daily basis, keep seeing the number 23, and also sometimes experience pre cognition, usually with dreams. My dreams are almost always vivid, and whenever I wake up I am still a bit shooken up having to distinguish between reality and my dreams. My mind seems to always also experience deja vu, usually it feels as if it was something I had dreamed before. And I often, randomly have vivid memories of dreams from long ago.
This is all incredibly mentally exhausting, and sometimes my obsession/fear of committing suicide becomes something I actually start contemplating. I know I don't want to die, but sometimes I get tired of every day being a battle. It has been this way for so long, and it is so difficult to get help.
I think this is just another example of how little we know of our own brains, and how our understanding of the world may be a tad bit off from what is actually reality. I am not suggesting the supernatural, as this is where most of my fears originate, so anything that IS seemingly supernatural, my OCD brain assimilates towards.