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[RavenLight]

hi, everyone. i've been roaming around these forums for awhile but haven't posted. i've found this to be the best place to come when the anxiety and dp start taking hold of me. daily for the most part.
i decided to finally post because there are probably going to be some major changes in my life and i'm afraid the anxiety/panic and dp are going to get worst. guess i'd just like to have some reassurance before then. or gather up some support.
i don't even know where to begin. i've had depression and anxiety for as long as i can remember. i'm 34 now. panic attacks since i was a teen. though they did go away for about ten years. came back about 2 years ago. but this time with the dp. i've never had it like this before. usually i would get moments of depersonalization during a panic attack but then it wold go away. last year around new year's it came on full force. the worst thing i've ever experienced. lasted for 2 weeks almost. just completely feeling crazy, not real, in a dream. so very scary. and much of this year has been me trying to keep it under control.
and now i'm pretty sure that me and my partner of over 3 years are going to be ending our relationship. i have an 8 year old son and this man has been the main man in his life. i'm scared of how it's going to feel if we end it. i'm scared of how it's going to be if we stay together.
i've been going more and more into my head with the thoughts that if i weren't so crazy it wouldn't have gotten like this. if the anxiety weren't so bad and the depression so bad then i would have had better control. i don't know. it all hurts.
i want to get better. i want to stop feeling trapped in my head and body. trapped in these thoughts.
i apologize for such a long post. and for probably not sounding very coherent. it's been a long day of him and i going back and forth talking about everything and lots of tears and lots of me trying to keep my panic and dp from taking over. congrats to me that i actually did a pretty decent job of that. :)
looking for encouragement. (if you've managed to read this far) looking for reassurance. and someone to please please please tell me that we can beat this. i get scared of what i might do if it continues. that might be one of the scariest thoughts.
thanks, guys. again, sorry for this being so dang long.

[nomorepanic]

Hi RavenLight

A huge warm welcome to nmp.

You'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way.

Best wishes

[Jemlou]

hey lovely,

Sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time. I know hoe you feel in terms of worrying the changes will make it worse, I am facing a few big changes in the next few weeks and I am teriffied that i won't be able to cope, as i am struggling as it is. but then on the other hand maybe change is what i need to get back on track and start a fresh.

are you on any meds or recieving any therapy for your anxiety/dp?

[RavenLight]

thanks so much for responding. just knowing someone else is out there feels good.
i'm not on any meds. i was on zoloft a few years back but that made things worst. and since the dp i've been terrified to get on anything. i just started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. seems to be helping.
and, yes, maybe a change is what is needed. guess i was just hoping it would be one of those, "you've won the lottery!" type of changes.
and, as terrible as i'm feeling, i hate that other people have to go through it, too. (though eternally grateful that others understand) any way that i can lend an ear and/or support?

[Jemlou]

Yes i agree - found this forum a while back but only just signed up and started posting. I like you tried medication last year and it didnt work for me at all, i felt worse. However last week everything came to a head big style and i ended up in a right state, back to the doctors i went (crying before i even got through his door) and i have gone back on meds (Cit) and also Diazepam so help me settle on the cit as i am convinced the cit will make me worse and it causes me more nausea. Touch wood I am feeling so much better than i did - certainly calmer. Also I am looking at seeing a therapist or something to help me get back on track.

Last week i thought there was no hope for me and id never get out of this cycle and although i still have a long long way to go, I feel like I am on the right track now, altho I have a banging headache today (silly Cit side affects) Ive been signed of work tho so there is no rush for me and the presure is off a bit.

Just goes to show that as low as you are feeling, we have all been there and got through it even though we have been convinced we wouldnt!

I think we just have to push ourselfs a bit tho, i would happily stay huddled in my divet feeling sorry for myself and fretting about the future but if you force yourself to do something else it takes your mind off of it (maybe only for a bit) but its a bit of breathing space from your own thoughts which is useful sometimes.

xxxx

[RavenLight]

glad to hear that you're feeling better. always hopeful. i've been dealing with this for so long. some days are better than others and i'm probably a lot better than i was before. but those times when it slams you to the ground are terrible. it can be so exhausting.
the depression is creeping in. in a big way. and along with the anxiety and dp, i've been trying to fight that off as well. again, exhausting. and it's the depression, for the most part, that makes it so hard to get out and push yourself. i wake up and think, what's the point? and i know this is just the depression, but it's so strong and i'm already exhausted from not getting enough sleep, or terrible sleep, or too much thinking, or anxiety, etc, that i give in. and it all starts up again.
just want to get off the merry go round for a minute and take a break.
and i guess there's a lot of the fear of breaking up going on. self esteem very very low.

[Jemlou]

I know its hard, im not pretending otherwise, but you have your son to focus on, he needs you son heres the point :)

It is exhausting i agree but you have to try and find some focus, something to focus on. Have you tried self help teqniques - they have helped me recently, writing out a ten year plan what i hop to have achieved in 10 years, a 5 year plan a yearly plan a monthly plan and a weekly plan, and then each day i make a plan for tomorrow - doesnt matter if not everything gets done but it provides some focus, something to work towards therefore giving you a point!

Also ive found it helps to set aside specific worry times, 15mins each morning specificly to worry about the future events, then suring the day if you find yourself worrying you say to yourself "i will worry about it later" it makes it easier to deal with than saying simply stop worrying... Sounds like mubo jumbo i know but it does help a little and its all the little bits of help that bring your life back together.

If you need to talk about anything especially if you end up facing a break up feel free to pm me anytime. you WILL get through this, and one day you will watch your son graduate and achieve great things and see him get married and have his own children and it will have all been worth the struggle. chin up lovely you are doing fab. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Jemlou]

ps sorry for my terrible typing - my new laptop has tiny keys and i cant seem to get my silly fingers on the correct ones haha... hope you are able to make sense of my replies

[Trizzy]

So nice to know people are out there feeling the same. i have been on Prozac now for three weeks and really dont feel there is an end to the anxiety. My horrible thoughts are ruling my head :(

[RavenLight]

thanks so much, jemlou, for your suggestions. i'll give it a shot. for some reason, though, thinking about doing that makes me anxious. i don't know how to explain it. i'll think about getting on a schedule, or making plans, or being healthier, and i get anxious. my thoughts start up: you're always going to be stuck in this head space. you know you'll never leave so why try? you're always tired. even if you wanted to get something done you couldn't. you'll be like this forever.
and even though another part of me knows this can be fought, the thoughts are so strong and overwhelming that i give up. fine, you're right. and it just continues. or i'll have a good day and tell myself, you know it's not going to be like this all the time. you're going to go back to how you were.
and i do get good days. many more now than i used to. but i'm so so tired of the struggling. i'm tired of always having to talk back to my thoughts. brain fatigue. and i have nothing to switch it off. calm it down.
ok, talking about all this is making me exhausted. i'm feeling halfway decent at the moment so i think i'll try picking up a bit. depression usually means my house doesn't get picked up the way i'd like it to.
and, trizzy, as terrible as i sound at the moment, please believe that it does get better. i have gotten better and i continue to get better. it's rough. and sometimes takes longer than we'd like it to, but it does come. talking to people and learning more about panic helps a lot.
i promise we'll make it through this. sometimes we need that reassurance, though.