Really, really, really trying to help myself, but afraid to be "blissfully ignorant"

[harasgenster]

Hi
I have posted here so much recently and it's always about the same thing. It's always my self-esteem that is the problem. It's now affecting my relationship and it's making my wonderful bf unhappy, which just gives me extra incentive to get better. Also, I have had wonderful support here and I want to take everyone's advice and try very hard to follow it so that you don't just have to keep telling me the same thing over and over again!

I've done a lot of CBT this morning. I've made a spreadsheet and used a self-help book to do a lot of exercises. But I have hit a major barrier.

Most of my thoughts boil down, at some point, to me thinking "I must not lose sight of my failings. To do so would be to never improve". I'm scared to be "blissfully ignorant". I feel that if I was happy I would remain inferior and because I was happy I wouldn't do anything about it. It's like I think my depression will protect me from ever becoming a bad person or ever allowing things to slip. Because of this, I'm not engaging with the therapy. I don't want to believe any positive things about myself because if I let go of that control - of always trying to be acutely aware of my flaws - I may not be able to moderate myself and perhaps I will always be inferior to others, while if I am aware of my failings I have the chance to improve and then there's hope that one day I will not be inferior.

Does this make sense? It's a similar feeling to what I had with eating disorders. You don't want to be ill but you don't want to get better, because if you do your worst fears will come true - you will put on weight. Unfortunately, now mostly recovered, I actually do sometimes wish I was still ill because I want to be underweight again, which doesn't make me feel much better about the whole blissful ignorance thing!

Has anyone hit this snag and can you think of anyway around it? I don't want to just continue being ill and worrying the people around me.

Thanks

[kibbutz83]

Hi, I think group psychotherapy would be a really positive experience for you... I think perhaps you need to "see yourself" through other people's eyes, in a controlled but supportive environment... not sure though if these groups still exist under the coalition govt...

[harasgenster]

Thank you Kibbutz. It's a good idea but I don't know if I could face group therapy. I could put some thought into it, though, and see if I can think my way around it. I'm not sure I could talk about the things that really bother me in front of non-professionals. Like if it had to do with sex or my bladder problems - which really tie into my self-esteem issues and are often at the front of my mind - I just don't think I could tell strangers about it!

[kibbutz83]

Hiya, you'd be amazed at the things people open up about in group therapy! I was in a group for 14 months, and we had everything from masturbating in public, to a guy who used to be a nurse, who admitted to "killing" three patients... he said it was euthanasia, I'm not convinced! Another guy admitted for the first time in his life that he'd been sodomized at boarding school. The therapist is always there to keep everyone safe in every way... I believe that psychotherapy can save lives :) x

[harasgenster]

Thanks for your reply Kibbutz, I will certainly give it some thought. My only experience of psychotherapy was, unfortunately, a very bad one. I had the misfortune to end up with a therapist that was very unhelpful for six months. His technique was to tell me I was boring, deny I was depressed, encourage me to stop taking my medication and shout at me for using the diazepam my GP had prescribed. In a very vulnerable state at the time, I believed him and left feeling that I was a boring person who was failing to cope with normal emotions. I refused to believe I was depressed, felt incredibly guilty for wasting his time, and was eventually dragged to the doctor's office by my Mam when she forced me to open the door to my flat after I had not washed for days, with mess everywhere, sitting in the dark because all the lights had blown and I couldn't cope with changing them! I was told I was, in fact, depressed and offered help.

Sorry to recount a whole story, but I'm a bit worried that this is a normal psychotherapy technique? I.e. my therapist was not a bad one, but doing his job as usual. I understand now that he was trying to make me show anger. He kept telling me I was angry inside and needed to show it so I think he was trying to get a rise out of me. Unfortunately, I actually tend to take all criticism on board and have total faith in anything a doctor tells me (it's in my interests) so this technique is not useful for me.

As you have had psychotherapy, I just wanted to ask if this is a usual technique or was this just a bad experience? I'm waiting for CBT but I'm willing to try anything.

[kibbutz83]

Hiya, no, our group therapist didn't work this way! You were just unlucky I guess. But I will also add that these groups do get you to "face yourself" and your patterns of bad learnt behaviour, which are very often keeping you "trapped".. therapy needs to be assertive and somewhat confrontational, otherwise we learn nothing about ourselves :(

[shoegal]

Hello. What has happened? You've been telling us what a wonderful supportive boyfriend you have and now you're saying he is unhappy? Has he said as much or are you just guessing?

You have noticed that your thoughts boil down to "I must not lose sight of my failings. To do so would be to never improve". How about looking at things a different way? Instead of thinking that you need to be the best at everything how about changing the thought to something more attainable like "I try hard and I am the best that I can be" or "It doesn't matter if I'm not good at this because I am good at other things" etc. Everybody is good at something and less good at other things and that's what makes us individual. It's not a weakness not to be good at everything! In fact it's impossible! My boyfriend is brilliant at written English and I am not so good at it. That doesn't mean that I am inferior to him. It means that my strengths lie elsewhere. I am good at sewing and textiles and I am proud of my achievements in that area, but that doesn't mean people who don't share my skills are inferior. There is nothing wrong with being aware of our flaws and trying to improve on them to a degree, but comparing yourself to others and always wanting to be the best really isn't healthy. You need to learn to love yourself the way you are and be happy with who you are. :)

[andrew]

Hi Harasgenster,
Im not sure I understood this but wanted to post a reply.
I was thinking the snag is that your thought pattern was the problem? Is it not just keeping you in anxiety? I remember reading another post you wrote about seeing patterns from your childhood. This might be a variation of that ... producing the same feelings in you.
I think you would benefit more from trying to accept the person that you are, the feelings that you have and then moving on from there.
I also thought you would benefit from a group situation. I dont think you need confronting or anything but just to hear your own voice talk about yourself and maybe realise your are not the little freak your anxiety wants you to believe you are. Ive seen a lot of different therapists, some have been good, some rubbish. But that confrontational style is not the norm.
Also you dont seem like the type of person who will have the luxury of being blissfully unaware even when you are recovered so I wouldnt worry about that.
You take care

[Sekost]

WOw i feel ther same way. I start CBT in a month and im sacred that if i get better i will realise all the things i have missed over the last 15yrs. Its sary but bring it on!

[harasgenster]

Hello. What has happened? You've been telling us what a wonderful supportive boyfriend you have and now you're saying he is unhappy? Has he said as much or are you just guessing?

He's upset that I'm upset all the time. He's still being very supportive but the fact he feels like he can't help me is getting him down and it's difficult for him to be around someone who can just suddenly start feeling teary at any given moment! He's got a lot of stress on himself and I want to make sure I'm doing what I can to reduce the stress I put on him.

Totally agree with you all.

Shoegal: Yup, this all makes complete sense to me, and I feel like you've told me that about 20 times now! This must really be getting on your nerves! Trying to take it in. Weirdly, I read your words and I feel better and the next day it's like I've completely forgotten and all my thought patterns are the same again! I don't seem to realise I'm thinking in exactly the same patterns - I see it as a whole new problem - and it takes you to point out that I just need to realise I don't need to be the best at things for me to understand that this is all the same issue again!

Kibbutz/Andrew: Thanks guys. Since there's two of you speaking about group therapy I definitely have to give it some thought! I'm glad it doesn't have to be confrontational. As I have had extremely few arguments with the people around me (prefer diplomacy in all cases) I really lack argument skills! I tend to just accept what people tell me, because I can't think fast enough to decide whether what they're saying is right or not, so the confrontational style really wasn't for me. Maybe I'll see if there's a group I could just go to one session for and see if I like it. I find it incredibly uncomfortable to be upset in front of others (I can't cry in front of therapists so definitely not a group!) and almost as uncomfortable to see others upset. Plus I'm very shy and my cynicism around others (I'm very judgemental, which isn't always that nice of me!) makes me very uncomfortable around most people (I've already worked out how they are most likely to screw me over or bully me in the first few seconds I meet them!) So this would be a giant leap for me. I will think about it, though.

[andrew]

Hi again,
I know that 'no panic' do telephone recovery groups, it might be an easier introduction for you.
I do understand what you mean about not wanting to talk about your stuff. Ive had anxiety attacks about it and even paid to sit in counselling and not say anything. You can only give it a try. I do think you would benefit from hearing your own voice talking about yourself, even one to one counselling. Also, lol, try not to analyse all of the posible outcomes and difficulties but live in the moment.
About thinking in the same patterns, looking at it differently might give you more control. Maybe your feelings are in the same patterns. The thoughts are following the feelings. Its very difficult to control how you feel but easier to control how you react to how you feel. Looking at it that way helped me.
You take care.