Sexual Anxiety need your advice..

[Desprate Dan]

Dear NMP Friends,

I really am I need of some advice. After years of suffering with depression and anxiety, I an now feeling much better and have stopped all medication and I am happier than I can ever remember being..

Sexual Anxiety... Its something that is rarely talked about and its ruining my new found happiness has anyone any advice or can relate??

I believe the key to my new found happiness Is I have met the most wonderful women, after spending most of my life avoiding sexual relationships, because I was so anxious. I know feel so comfortable with this person, I think about them all the time, and just love being close to them.

We have tried to have sex 6 times now and we both feel we are ready for it and want to have sex, the problem is I can not maintain my erection and soon lose it, which is upsetting and frustrating although my girlfriend say's its fine and it doesn't matter, It really does matter to me. I really love this girl and want to do my best to make her as happy a she makes me, so why if I am so attracted and In love does my erection fail me? I don't think it's physical health problem as such, because if I am alone and think of this girl I have no problem maintaining my erection.

Its really destroying my new found confidence and happiness. We have tried taking things slow and relaxing together for long periods before trying but still no joy.
I have thought about trying Viagra, My thoughts were If it helps to maintain my erection then my confidence will grow and hopefully once it I have used it a couple of times, It will have broke down my mental barriers and I will be able to perform without it. I am worried about buying online because of all the scam's and what your buying might not be genuine..

I really don't know what to do. Your thoughts and any help and advice would be greatly welcomed.

Kindest Regards

Dan

[shoegal]

Hi Dan. Firstly, congratulations on finding yourself a lovely lady. :)

OK, down to the nitty gritty. If you can maintain an erection when you are alone then I'm certain that your problem is 'performance anxiety'. This woman means a lot to you and you don't want to let her down which means you are subconsciously putting pressure on yourself to perform. I don't think viagara is the answer because it won't remove the underlying problem (your nerves), unless you just use it for the first few times to build up your confidence as you suggested. I think you would be better off relaxing and just engaging in heavy petting etc and gradually building up from there. You can please a woman using your hands and/or mouth (or even with a toy if you're into that sort of thing) which may even help you with your problem. One day you will get so carried away that it will just 'happen' I'm sure... and then there will be no going back!

Good luck, and please try not to worry.

[harasgenster]

Hi Dan
My bf had this problem for the first six months we were together and he knew it was anxiety. He tends to get anxious then doesn't want to do anything about it, which I usually think is silly, but actually, through not fighting it he got better. He said the problem is that after it happened the first time, he thought it would happen again and again. He'd say: Oh I can't do it now because I'm tired which may make me lose it, or I can't do it now because I lost it earlier so I definitely can't maintain an erection now. But once he started thinking: "Who cares if I lose it I may as well try", he gradually started to get better and recently - for the last four months or so - he has had no problems at all!

One thing that helped my bf was explaining to him that women don't view penises the same way men do! We're not going to be horribly disappointed if you can't keep it up! There are so many other things you can do and women's bodies are so sensitive that if you can't do "that" then you'll just do something else! It's no skin off our noses!

Basically, I feel like the pressure you are putting on yourself is completely coming from you. As you say, your gf doesn't mind. I understand that you want to show her how you feel about her but there's loads of other ways to do that. You're still showing her you find her attractive by touching etc and, if you're not too shy, you could always just keep telling her how sexy you think she is! What happens down there isn't the be all and end all. With time, you will not have this problem anymore. You just need to realise that actually, it really doesn't matter. There can be no pressure, because it really doesn't matter.

Easier said than done I know!

[Bill]

Dan:) Good to see you again and that dreams do come true. Well, I did tell you they do so now maybe you'll believe me!:D

Seriously Dan, what does it matter....really? I mean, there is so much hype made about the importance of sex and all the countless ways of performing something that should just come naturally out of love for another. If you make it such a big issue because you feel it's something you Have to do to please her, you're going to end up heaping pressure on yourself which will make you So anxious that it'll totally stress you out and stop you from performing!

Just like all anxiety, the more we make something feel important and the more we Really feel we Have to succeed, the more pressure we put on ourselves creating tension making it a battle to be won.

my girlfriend say's its fine and it doesn't matter, It really does matter to me.

Relax!!! She's Happy as you ARE. You can still please her with other parts of your anatomy if she felt she really wanted you to. Love Isn't just about sex. If she walked away just because you couldn't keep it up, she wouldn't be worth worrying about but she's not like that! She loves you for who and what you Are so be Happy that you're giving her all she needs. In doing so, you'll feel more relaxed ad it'll just happen naturally with time. Don't make it such an issue!!!

I've had to live without for years but not through choice so yes, I do envy you very much but when we're both old and things stop working, there will be far more important things to worry about so stop stressing yourself by being safe in the knowledge that it doesn't matter to her. After all, she could be thinking she wants to allow you to perform to please You.

Remember this from July last year?.....

So affraid of intemacy/affection please help.
I know this sounds really weird, but the thing i want more than anything in the world, is the thing i fear the most. I long to be part of something to be loved by someone and to share the love i have. But the thing that comes so natural to others, i find so difficult . I ask myself what is so wrong with me, will i die a lonely old man who never let anyone get to close for fear of getting hurt. Oh i really wish i had someone to love and cherish, but thats wont happen because it so frightening. I find it so embarrasing, i wish i was scared of spiders or heights, but how do you tell someone you are frightened to love. I feel so trapped and all alone i don't know what will become of me, please i need your advice its getting me so down, i find it so difficult to talk to anybody about this. Please help.

Dan:smile:

Picture sitting at the dock watching the big cruise liners leaving port. Now imagine thinking to yourself you wished you were on one of them but then thinking to yourself what if there was a big storm and it sunk, and you couldn't swim!:scared15:.....but YOU'RE Still sitting on the dock!:shrug:

Now picture you decide to go for swimming lessons then go out on a small boat before then trying a yacht then a speed boat...and then decide to get on the cruise liner........and it indeed sinks:scared15:........and you get on a lifeboat and you find yourself on a desert island surrounded by half-naked native girls who can't keep their hands off you because they've never met such a sensitive caring bloke as you!:yesyes:

Moral of the story...don't worry about drowning before you step into the water because things could always turn out much better than you expect, even if at first things seem bad.:winks:

Or to put another way...find yourself lots of people to get to know and don't think about anything more than making some friends because one day a beautiful rose will appear who will open her petals up never to let you go because from your friendship they will have discovered what a Special fella you are so they will have All the time and patience in the world because they just won't want to let you go......at which point just lay back, let her have whatever she desires and most importantly, forget the past and future, and just enjoy the present because with a girl like that, every future day will be just as enjoyable....and yes, I'll envy you!:winks:

Bill you have such a great way of putting things..:smile: I like the idea of being on a desert island surround by half naked native girls..:blush::blush: Thanks everyone... Now were do i find such a lovelly girl????

Now back to today.....Well, now you've found her, so Just Love her Dan though love, affection and hugs....and Forget the other because then it'll happen because it won't be such an issue.

Remember, an orgasm has a limited life but love can last a lifetime. Going all the way really isn't That important in the wider context of loving someone who loves you for Who you Are so Be Happy.:)

[Desprate Dan]

Hello and thank you for your replies..

I know what you say about it doesn't matter and there is lots more to do, and it isn't everything. But I still can't help thinking what is so wrong with me. I really want to have a full sexual relationship and I have been in this situation before, and people say if she doesn't stick by you, she is not worth knowing, that is a very hard pill to swallow when you really love this person and to lose them would hurt so much.

I am now in two minds, is this is down to anxiety or its a physical problem, either way i would like to get to the bottom of it and start sorting it out because, i want to have a full on relationship sex and all..

Dan.

[Spongeballz]

It's just anxiety dan. You're creating too much pressure for yourself and thinking too hard about the whole situation, putting yourself under pressure to perform and that's physically meaning that you can't. If you can maintain an erection when you're on your own then it's probably not physical, and more to do with the anxiety of whether or not you'll perform this time.
Trust me, I've had the same problem. When you think too much about your erection, and about wanting to perform, thats when you lose it. Sex should be relaxing, a release, a time to share with the one you love, not a worry and a burden as to whether or not you'll "crack it" this time. Like shoegirl said, ease into it, do other things first and it'll happen.
Best of luck mate :)

[cymraig_chris]

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[haz]

Hi Dan,

Are you on any medication that could be causing your erection problems? You might find this difficult talking to a woman about this, if you do, that's cool, I won't be offended! Do you ever wake up with an erection or can you get one on your own?

My boyfriend and I are both on medication, we have a sex life, but there's no such thing as a quickie for us! We both understand that our medication and our anxiety can both contribute to problems sometimes and we're both fine with it. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.

To reassure you, we women really are very understanding about these things. As another poster said, there are other things you can do sexually and sometimes a kiss and a cuddle is just as nice.

The more you get to know each other and become more relaxed in each others company, things will improve. It will happen when you least expect it. Meanwhile, just enjoy each others company.

Regards.

Haz

[haz]

Sorry Dan, just realised you've already answered my questions! Didn't read your post properly first time around. I've just taken my night time meds:wacko: