itwillbeokay
28-03-11, 17:19
Hi all.
Wasn't quite sure where to post this.... anyway... :)
Where to start? :) From when I was younger (I'm 29 now) I have gone through phases of thinking I had various illnesses and that I was dying, breast cancer, colon cancer, brain tumors... Around 2004 my ex and I got broken in to, he was drugged up and at one point held us at knife point. I can't remember how long it was after this but I started getting anxiety. I remember also at this stage being obsessed that I had something wrong with my eyes and was going to go blind. I wasn't working at this point and so stayed home everyday just worrying. I suffered a migraine (although no pain at the time) one day and had a weird almost like a kaleidoscope affect. I totally freaked out and insisted I had to go to A&E. In 2005, I think, we were on holiday. We were having dinner in the hotel restaurant, I remember crunching down on something, next thing I know I have blood in mouth, I took out whatever was in my mouth and it was a piece of glass. Not being traumatic enough, my experience at the Spanish hotel was even more horrendous. After this I was convinced some glass was ingested and afterwards I kept getting sharp pains in my stomache. From here I suffered my next big round of anxiety which lasted for months and months, I have a habit of blocking out horrible things in the past so my timeline of things is a bit all over the place. After this I thought I was dying from some sort of brain tumor as I was getting really bad headaches, next it was cervical cancer. It was so tiring and depressing. I once woke up during the night and felt absolutely petrified of something... I felt like I couldn't breathe and was in complete fear, I was so afraid I even got my ex to call for an ambulance which I hated myself for, later I started to calm down when the paramedics arrived. I decided to get a job, and found this helped a lot with keeping anixety at bay, I suppose I didn't have time to dwell on the little things anymore.
During October last year my 10 year relationship ended, I later found out that they had also been cheating. I was devatstated and in shock. I moved back with my parents instantly. For the first month I didn't really eat, took 3 weeks off work and cried a lot. To peoples surprise I didn't lock myself away, under a duvet, festering away. I made sure I was dressed nicely and did my hair/make up everyday just to make myself feel a little better, I also wanted to be around people all of the time, I felt lonely and lost and just wanted to be outside surrounding myself with others. In December I decided to join the gym to keep myself occupied. I started to work my days off, as soon as I got home, I'd have a quick lunch and go to the gym for 3-4 hours, go home, eat dinner, watch tv and fall in to bed, repeating it every other day. The days I didn't go to the gym I made sure I went out, in to town shopping, for a walk, anything so I wasn't just sat at home having time to think. In February myself and a friend of mine went to Amsterdam for a couple of days. While there we decided to try some space cake. I don't smoke and rarely drink but everyone I talked to beforehand had said it'll just make you chilled and have a bit of a giggle. I could do with a bit of that after what I had been through! We had a piece, we didn't notice any difference, a couple of hours later we had 1 more piece each. What we stupidly didn't know then is that it takes a couple of hours for it to get in to the blood stream. On the coach back to the ferry I remember being extremely relaxed, got off the coach, giggled for a good few minutes then the paranoia/anxiety kicked in. I was terrified. I spent the entire ferry trip back home in my room freaking out. Thinking I wasn't real, that maybe we had been killed and this was the afterlife. I still didn't feel totally right when I got back home, felt spacey and just not with it. A couple of days later when I was at work I felt so trippy, everything felt wierd, people seemed different, I felt paranoid as hell like everyone was looking at me. I freaked out wondering if it was still the spacecake left in my body. I told my team leader I had to go home, on my way out I heard the manager talking to someone and heard him say the word "spacecake" in the conversation. Obviously he didn't say this so I panicked even more.... the people on the bus home weren't talking English, just gibberish. I was wanting to go home and be safe and for everything to start being normal. Another day at work I started to feel light headed, like I was walking on a boat, I thought maybe it was because I had been on a ferry for a couple of days, even though it wasn't even rocky! Pretty much everyday I started feeling lightheaded/dizzy at work. I got more depressed. Stopped going to the gym and didn't want to go out anymore. I took a week off work, went to the doctors, she offered me medication but I turned it down, she also sent me for a blood test which I'm still waiting for the resuts. During the end of this week my anxiety lessened, even though I still felt dizzy/lightheaded, I felt better and went back to work. From then until now I've had the lightheadedness most days, had anixety, one night I woke up in panic and comepletely terrfied, I asked my mum to give me a cuddle and eventually I was able to calm down. At the moment I go through periods where I'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything, getting confused, I can't think properly, I keep double checking on things as I'm thinking I'm going crazy and panicking when I don't understand something, I'm also finding it hard to fall asleep at times as I'm having random thoughts going through my mind, it just won't rest. Today at work, I didn't feel dizzy but felt like something was going to happen. I kept telling myself it's just anxiety, it won't hurt me, and to relax. On my break I got confused by something and panicked. When I went back on the shop floor (I work in a supermarket) everything felt weird, people seemed to act differently and I felt it too overwhelming, it felt simliar to the attack I had when I came back from my Amsterdam trip. I just wanted to run out. I didn't want to interact with people as I was scared what they would say or act in a odd way or that I wouldn't understand what they're were saying, making me panic more. I've started to obsess that the space cake has damaged me some how. Right now I feel so scared, I feel exhausted, my mind feels exhausted from worrying and double checking everything, I feel like I'm going crazy, that I have some sort of mental disorder. I miss the comfort I got from my ex, they would always make me fee safe and always promise me I was okay. I don't have that now, and the fact they lied to me in the end makes me feel like what they promised meant nothing. I almost miss having something physical to worry about too, the mind is a powerful thing and it's scary as hell. I feel like I should just go on medication as I don't know what else to do but I'm scared of the side affects and will it all return when I come off them? I'm also comtemplating going on long term sick as I just can't face going through what I went through today again, I almost think being at work triggers it sometimes. Sorry for the long ramble and thanks for reading if you got this far.
Julie
Wasn't quite sure where to post this.... anyway... :)
Where to start? :) From when I was younger (I'm 29 now) I have gone through phases of thinking I had various illnesses and that I was dying, breast cancer, colon cancer, brain tumors... Around 2004 my ex and I got broken in to, he was drugged up and at one point held us at knife point. I can't remember how long it was after this but I started getting anxiety. I remember also at this stage being obsessed that I had something wrong with my eyes and was going to go blind. I wasn't working at this point and so stayed home everyday just worrying. I suffered a migraine (although no pain at the time) one day and had a weird almost like a kaleidoscope affect. I totally freaked out and insisted I had to go to A&E. In 2005, I think, we were on holiday. We were having dinner in the hotel restaurant, I remember crunching down on something, next thing I know I have blood in mouth, I took out whatever was in my mouth and it was a piece of glass. Not being traumatic enough, my experience at the Spanish hotel was even more horrendous. After this I was convinced some glass was ingested and afterwards I kept getting sharp pains in my stomache. From here I suffered my next big round of anxiety which lasted for months and months, I have a habit of blocking out horrible things in the past so my timeline of things is a bit all over the place. After this I thought I was dying from some sort of brain tumor as I was getting really bad headaches, next it was cervical cancer. It was so tiring and depressing. I once woke up during the night and felt absolutely petrified of something... I felt like I couldn't breathe and was in complete fear, I was so afraid I even got my ex to call for an ambulance which I hated myself for, later I started to calm down when the paramedics arrived. I decided to get a job, and found this helped a lot with keeping anixety at bay, I suppose I didn't have time to dwell on the little things anymore.
During October last year my 10 year relationship ended, I later found out that they had also been cheating. I was devatstated and in shock. I moved back with my parents instantly. For the first month I didn't really eat, took 3 weeks off work and cried a lot. To peoples surprise I didn't lock myself away, under a duvet, festering away. I made sure I was dressed nicely and did my hair/make up everyday just to make myself feel a little better, I also wanted to be around people all of the time, I felt lonely and lost and just wanted to be outside surrounding myself with others. In December I decided to join the gym to keep myself occupied. I started to work my days off, as soon as I got home, I'd have a quick lunch and go to the gym for 3-4 hours, go home, eat dinner, watch tv and fall in to bed, repeating it every other day. The days I didn't go to the gym I made sure I went out, in to town shopping, for a walk, anything so I wasn't just sat at home having time to think. In February myself and a friend of mine went to Amsterdam for a couple of days. While there we decided to try some space cake. I don't smoke and rarely drink but everyone I talked to beforehand had said it'll just make you chilled and have a bit of a giggle. I could do with a bit of that after what I had been through! We had a piece, we didn't notice any difference, a couple of hours later we had 1 more piece each. What we stupidly didn't know then is that it takes a couple of hours for it to get in to the blood stream. On the coach back to the ferry I remember being extremely relaxed, got off the coach, giggled for a good few minutes then the paranoia/anxiety kicked in. I was terrified. I spent the entire ferry trip back home in my room freaking out. Thinking I wasn't real, that maybe we had been killed and this was the afterlife. I still didn't feel totally right when I got back home, felt spacey and just not with it. A couple of days later when I was at work I felt so trippy, everything felt wierd, people seemed different, I felt paranoid as hell like everyone was looking at me. I freaked out wondering if it was still the spacecake left in my body. I told my team leader I had to go home, on my way out I heard the manager talking to someone and heard him say the word "spacecake" in the conversation. Obviously he didn't say this so I panicked even more.... the people on the bus home weren't talking English, just gibberish. I was wanting to go home and be safe and for everything to start being normal. Another day at work I started to feel light headed, like I was walking on a boat, I thought maybe it was because I had been on a ferry for a couple of days, even though it wasn't even rocky! Pretty much everyday I started feeling lightheaded/dizzy at work. I got more depressed. Stopped going to the gym and didn't want to go out anymore. I took a week off work, went to the doctors, she offered me medication but I turned it down, she also sent me for a blood test which I'm still waiting for the resuts. During the end of this week my anxiety lessened, even though I still felt dizzy/lightheaded, I felt better and went back to work. From then until now I've had the lightheadedness most days, had anixety, one night I woke up in panic and comepletely terrfied, I asked my mum to give me a cuddle and eventually I was able to calm down. At the moment I go through periods where I'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything, getting confused, I can't think properly, I keep double checking on things as I'm thinking I'm going crazy and panicking when I don't understand something, I'm also finding it hard to fall asleep at times as I'm having random thoughts going through my mind, it just won't rest. Today at work, I didn't feel dizzy but felt like something was going to happen. I kept telling myself it's just anxiety, it won't hurt me, and to relax. On my break I got confused by something and panicked. When I went back on the shop floor (I work in a supermarket) everything felt weird, people seemed to act differently and I felt it too overwhelming, it felt simliar to the attack I had when I came back from my Amsterdam trip. I just wanted to run out. I didn't want to interact with people as I was scared what they would say or act in a odd way or that I wouldn't understand what they're were saying, making me panic more. I've started to obsess that the space cake has damaged me some how. Right now I feel so scared, I feel exhausted, my mind feels exhausted from worrying and double checking everything, I feel like I'm going crazy, that I have some sort of mental disorder. I miss the comfort I got from my ex, they would always make me fee safe and always promise me I was okay. I don't have that now, and the fact they lied to me in the end makes me feel like what they promised meant nothing. I almost miss having something physical to worry about too, the mind is a powerful thing and it's scary as hell. I feel like I should just go on medication as I don't know what else to do but I'm scared of the side affects and will it all return when I come off them? I'm also comtemplating going on long term sick as I just can't face going through what I went through today again, I almost think being at work triggers it sometimes. Sorry for the long ramble and thanks for reading if you got this far.
Julie