Spongeballz
29-03-11, 21:50
Upon stumbling across a fantastic joke by Nikk posted in the Pen Pals section HERE (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=87249&page=2), I decided it was time to put on my creative socks and try and write a poem again. I used to love writing, particularly little rhymes a couple of years back, and since things got all sad in the old brainbox I'd ceased to write.
The inspiration for this particular attempt, aimed to be a remake of sleeping beauty, was inspired by Roald Dahl's revolting rhymes (my dad used to read them to me before bed and play the taped version in the car!). This is for all you NMPers that have forgotten how to have a little chuckle :yesyes:
Let us know what you think!!
Sleeping Beauty Revolting Rhyme
“You’re dumping me?!” he screamed in rage,
“But we’ve been together for such an age!”
“I’m sorry but the blatant truth
Your randiness is so uncouth.”
Beauty’s dude was mortified
His eyes ablaze, his mouth was wide.
“I put on you a curse!” he cried,
“You’ll sleep until the day you die!
Until a bloke more fit that me
Snogs your face and sets you free!”
As Beauty’s body hit the floor
She saw him running for the door
She screamed, her body writhed in spasm
“You’re puny, I faked every org*sm!”
The ambulance comes, the sirens drone,
Poor Beauty’s body turns to stone,
Medics rush her into bed;
Her mother waits, face etched with dread.
The doctor comes and delivers the news,
“A coma, I’m afraid, brought on by booze.”
“My daughter!?” mum yelled, “an alcoholic?
Sure, she often loved to frolic,
But test again, and you will see,
That she’s as sober as can be!
Sorry to be such a bugger,
But she drinks tea with milk and sugar!”
Hands on hips Doc stood perplexed,
For he was absolutely hexed.
“How can it be this gorgeous girl
Has drank enough to make her hurl,
When you claim all she drinks is tea
Tell me mum, how can this be!?”
Beauty’s mum looked fit to cry,
But before she’d managed to reply
There sounded an almighty din
And Beauty’s ex came crashing in!
“I’m sorry!!” he sobbed, “I confess
It’s my fault she’s in such a mess!
You might as well go fire your nurse,
For I have placed on her a curse
To sleep until the day she’ll die
Unless she finds a decent guy.
The only way to end all this,
Is to gain from her true love a kiss.”
Beauty’s mum sighs, “Thanks for that!
You always were a total prat!”
“You’ll pay for what you’ve done!” she squalls,
And kicks him right between his balls.
She left him squirming on the floor,
Went and walked straight out the door.
She couldn’t care for his lamb chop,
As she was hunting for a shop.
After walking round and round,
A newsagents was finally found.
And there she searched, she found and paid
For every newspaper displayed.
For hours she sat at home and dialled,
The lonely hearts ads she’d compiled.
To every lonely man she pleads,
“Maybe it’s you my daughter needs!?”
Bachelors flocked from high and low,
Desperate to give Sleeping Beauty a go.
Many came to break the hex,
Whilst others just came hoping for.... companionship!
Beauty’s mum sat and watched in shame,
As her daughter was snogged by guys so lame
It made her cringe to see them fail,
All her efforts to no avail.
Just as she’d almost given in,
Piles of papers in the bin,
In popped a man with just a body and head,
“I’m completely ‘armless”, the poor man said.
“No arms no legs, can you not see
That I’m as perfect as can be!
I can’t run away, I’ll never beat her,
And I will never be a cheater!
The problem is I have no hips,
Could you please lift me to her lips?”
Mum stood there thinking rather bleak:
“How can I let her date this freak!?
Of all the ugly looking guys
I have the worst before my eyes!”
Mum strugged her shoulders and faked a smile,
“Sure, why not, you can have a trial.”
And with this she lifted the torso high
Setting him down on Beauty’s thigh.
“She’s beautiful,” he said aloud,
“To kiss her lips I’d be so proud.
He shuffled up onto her paunch,
Smiled, and then began to launch
Himself towards her bottom lip,
Letting out an almighty yip!
Beauty’s eyes began to flutter
Her mouth ajar, she coughed and spluttered,
“Oh mum, is this some kind of joke?!
This cannot be my ideal bloke!”
The little man looked quite distressed,
He opened his mouth to request:
“Pardon me for being so rude,
But may I interrupt this feud?
As I was the one who broke the hex
My reward should be to now have.... companionship!”
“Aww, that’s so sweet!” Beauty said,
“It even made my cheeks go red!
Actually you’re rather cute,
Sorry I was such a brute.”
With that she clambered out of bed,
And picked up the sweet body and head.
All the way to the church she carried
Her new man so they could get married.
And they lived happily ever after,
In a life of frolicking, and laughter.
:flowers: :flowers: :flowers:
The inspiration for this particular attempt, aimed to be a remake of sleeping beauty, was inspired by Roald Dahl's revolting rhymes (my dad used to read them to me before bed and play the taped version in the car!). This is for all you NMPers that have forgotten how to have a little chuckle :yesyes:
Let us know what you think!!
Sleeping Beauty Revolting Rhyme
“You’re dumping me?!” he screamed in rage,
“But we’ve been together for such an age!”
“I’m sorry but the blatant truth
Your randiness is so uncouth.”
Beauty’s dude was mortified
His eyes ablaze, his mouth was wide.
“I put on you a curse!” he cried,
“You’ll sleep until the day you die!
Until a bloke more fit that me
Snogs your face and sets you free!”
As Beauty’s body hit the floor
She saw him running for the door
She screamed, her body writhed in spasm
“You’re puny, I faked every org*sm!”
The ambulance comes, the sirens drone,
Poor Beauty’s body turns to stone,
Medics rush her into bed;
Her mother waits, face etched with dread.
The doctor comes and delivers the news,
“A coma, I’m afraid, brought on by booze.”
“My daughter!?” mum yelled, “an alcoholic?
Sure, she often loved to frolic,
But test again, and you will see,
That she’s as sober as can be!
Sorry to be such a bugger,
But she drinks tea with milk and sugar!”
Hands on hips Doc stood perplexed,
For he was absolutely hexed.
“How can it be this gorgeous girl
Has drank enough to make her hurl,
When you claim all she drinks is tea
Tell me mum, how can this be!?”
Beauty’s mum looked fit to cry,
But before she’d managed to reply
There sounded an almighty din
And Beauty’s ex came crashing in!
“I’m sorry!!” he sobbed, “I confess
It’s my fault she’s in such a mess!
You might as well go fire your nurse,
For I have placed on her a curse
To sleep until the day she’ll die
Unless she finds a decent guy.
The only way to end all this,
Is to gain from her true love a kiss.”
Beauty’s mum sighs, “Thanks for that!
You always were a total prat!”
“You’ll pay for what you’ve done!” she squalls,
And kicks him right between his balls.
She left him squirming on the floor,
Went and walked straight out the door.
She couldn’t care for his lamb chop,
As she was hunting for a shop.
After walking round and round,
A newsagents was finally found.
And there she searched, she found and paid
For every newspaper displayed.
For hours she sat at home and dialled,
The lonely hearts ads she’d compiled.
To every lonely man she pleads,
“Maybe it’s you my daughter needs!?”
Bachelors flocked from high and low,
Desperate to give Sleeping Beauty a go.
Many came to break the hex,
Whilst others just came hoping for.... companionship!
Beauty’s mum sat and watched in shame,
As her daughter was snogged by guys so lame
It made her cringe to see them fail,
All her efforts to no avail.
Just as she’d almost given in,
Piles of papers in the bin,
In popped a man with just a body and head,
“I’m completely ‘armless”, the poor man said.
“No arms no legs, can you not see
That I’m as perfect as can be!
I can’t run away, I’ll never beat her,
And I will never be a cheater!
The problem is I have no hips,
Could you please lift me to her lips?”
Mum stood there thinking rather bleak:
“How can I let her date this freak!?
Of all the ugly looking guys
I have the worst before my eyes!”
Mum strugged her shoulders and faked a smile,
“Sure, why not, you can have a trial.”
And with this she lifted the torso high
Setting him down on Beauty’s thigh.
“She’s beautiful,” he said aloud,
“To kiss her lips I’d be so proud.
He shuffled up onto her paunch,
Smiled, and then began to launch
Himself towards her bottom lip,
Letting out an almighty yip!
Beauty’s eyes began to flutter
Her mouth ajar, she coughed and spluttered,
“Oh mum, is this some kind of joke?!
This cannot be my ideal bloke!”
The little man looked quite distressed,
He opened his mouth to request:
“Pardon me for being so rude,
But may I interrupt this feud?
As I was the one who broke the hex
My reward should be to now have.... companionship!”
“Aww, that’s so sweet!” Beauty said,
“It even made my cheeks go red!
Actually you’re rather cute,
Sorry I was such a brute.”
With that she clambered out of bed,
And picked up the sweet body and head.
All the way to the church she carried
Her new man so they could get married.
And they lived happily ever after,
In a life of frolicking, and laughter.
:flowers: :flowers: :flowers: